Confession (a long one) of INFJ hurt by INTJ

Best of luck with it! :) I know it can be hard. I'm not that insightful. I've just gone through similar breaks time and time again.
It's like that old saying from the bible. Although I'm not religious, I find that helpful at times. Here it goes,

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference."

That you reacted so strongly to the question of how you feel with it, might have to do with the personality type you/we are – INFJ. But it also goes to show how emotionally invested and hopeful you've been here with this guy. Give yourself the time to heal. It's O.K. to grieve, but don't put yourself down. Like
@Eventhorizon said above, sometimes people need different things and that is just how it goes. Hopefully next time it will be better.

You noticed how "emotionally invested and hopeful" I've been - and you're saying that you're not insightful :smile: I couldn't sum it up better. And yes, I try to accept, but it's clear indeed that time is needed for processing this bunch of feelings.
Neither am I religious, but I happen to know this old saying. The 3rd line has been the struggle all my life :yum:
I'll grieve, there is no other way to get over this experience.
Thank you - know that there is one more person who feels grateful to you :yum:
 
One just doesn’t date Petyr Baelish.
 
I must be honest, I’m not sure if this is purely an INTJ thing, I ran into the exact same problem with an ENFJ male.... as I read your story, I had major flashbacks into a long period of time of trying to make something work that just never ever will.... if you need the emotional connection through certain acts or dedication then you’re best suited with someone that can give that to you naturally.... stay strong, there will be better suited partners for you in the future... honestly, I’ve racked my brain on this a thousand times over and it’s actually quite amazing, some personalities just don’t work, everything else could be great but there will be that one mismatch that just invalidates it all.... point being, if you’re with someone and you feel like you’re settling on your own needs... it’s time to relook things... super proud of you for sharing your story and for making the decision despite the hurt you must be feeling right now...all and all it doesn’t seem like there is a ‘bad’ person in this scenario, just two people with needs that didn’t align...
 
if you need the emotional connection through certain acts or dedication then you’re best suited with someone that can give that to you naturally....

..some personalities just don’t work, everything else could be great but there will be that one mismatch that just invalidates it all.

.. point being, if you’re with someone and you feel like you’re settling on your own needs... it’s time to relook things... super proud of you for sharing your story and for making the decision despite the hurt you must be feeling right now...all and all it doesn’t seem like there is a ‘bad’ person in this scenario, just two people with needs that didn’t align...

in reply to the first piece of your post - exactly! What I needed was a display of his feelings to me, if there were any, in understandable way for me. I prefer to know where I stand and dislike uncertainity. But, as you pointed out, it's important when it comes naturally from the person. He did try - God sees he tried his best - to do what I had asked him to do, but I'm afraid it was like breaking into other person for him..

I refuse to believe that some personalities just don't match. All depends on how strongly these people are willing to work on their difficulties. When I'm in hurt mode, I also think with bitterness that we'd better not meet each other and hadn't tried to make it work. But hey, what else is worth enough to suffer over if not a chance for fullfilling and enriching relations?.. The point is in desire and willingness to make efforts. I guess for him it was too much.

Thank you for your kind words! Means a lot, as sharing so openly doesn't come easily to me, but I found here support.

And true again, no one is bad here. He's a wonderful person, whose attitude to me has been very careful. I miss him so much. Actually, it was my overreaction, the need to "know it all". I was hurt in the past, so there is this "inspector" in me who is scanning any "bad" signs in a relationships in order to prevent another hurt done to me. Ironically, I called the hurt upon myself - myself. Of course he did some wrong moves towards me in terms of communication and emotional responding (avoidance), but we could have worked on it if I hadn't been so reactive.
 
in reply to the first piece of your post - exactly! What I needed was a display of his feelings to me, if there were any, in understandable way for me. I prefer to know where I stand and dislike uncertainity. But, as you pointed out, it's important when it comes naturally from the person. He did try - God sees he tried his best - to do what I had asked him to do, but I'm afraid it was like breaking into other person for him..

I refuse to believe that some personalities just don't match. All depends on how strongly these people are willing to work on their difficulties. When I'm in hurt mode, I also think with bitterness that we'd better not meet each other and hadn't tried to make it work. But hey, what else is worth enough to suffer over if not a chance for fullfilling and enriching relations?.. The point is in desire and willingness to make efforts. I guess for him it was too much.

Thank you for your kind words! Means a lot, as sharing so openly doesn't come easily to me, but I found here support.

And true again, no one is bad here. He's a wonderful person, whose attitude to me has been very careful. I miss him so much. Actually, it was my overreaction, the need to "know it all". I was hurt in the past, so there is this "inspector" in me who is scanning any "bad" signs in a relationships in order to prevent another hurt done to me. Ironically, I called the hurt upon myself - myself. Of course he did some wrong moves towards me in terms of communication and emotional responding (avoidance), but we could have worked on it if I hadn't been so reactive.

You are being so incredibly hard on yourself, you’re allowed to have your needs met yes? And he is allowed to say, listen, I can’t give you what you need without completely changing how I am or how I deal with people.... the person I had this experience with loved to call me out on my emotional extremities or reactions or instability, but he refused to see that his lack of caring for me the way I needed to be cared for (not the way he chose to show it) was the cause of it.... don’t guilt yourself and don’t let this person guilt you for that reactiveness, you were fighting for your needs to be met.... sending so much positivity your way!! And thank you for your detailed response :blush:
 
You are being so incredibly hard on yourself, you’re allowed to have your needs met yes? And he is allowed to say, listen, I can’t give you what you need without completely changing how I am or how I deal with people.... the person I had this experience with loved to call me out on my emotional extremities or reactions or instability, but he refused to see that his lack of caring for me the way I needed to be cared for (not the way he chose to show it) was the cause of it.... don’t guilt yourself and don’t let this person guilt you for that reactiveness, .... sending so much positivity your way!! And thank you for your detailed response :blush:
Eh yes, sort of beating myself up for it :pensive: I want to acknowledge my own faults, so that will never happen again.

Well, yes - I told him in the open and direct way how he could fulfill my needs. He didn't say that he couldn't - instead he said that he'd try and he did so. I don't know why things went wrong after this. Maybe, it was unnatural for him; maybe my demands continued to be unsatisfied - since you know, when there is insecurity within oneself, there is never enough of displaying feelings of the significant other. That's why I say that mostly it's my own fault: I needed that constant reassurance, signs of his engagement, more and more, when in fact I should have looked inside troubled myself (I'm in therapy, btw, but it seemingly doesn't work well so far). He, on his part, never called me reactive or instable, and never blamed me neither said that I was doing something wrong. It's me who is saying all these to myself :anguished:

" he refused to see that his lack of caring for me the way I needed to be cared for (not the way he chose to show it) was the cause of it" - we had something similar to it at first. That was when I told him that for me keeping silent in days without any "how are you doing" felt bad, and he was surprised and said that for him keeping in touch all the time was never a priority :sweatsmile: Though later, like I wrote before, after my explanations of what did it mean to me, he agreed to show this care to me in my way, by writing more often. Next were my feelings of being needy once again... Back to unhealthy self, anyway.

" you were fighting for your needs to be met" - exactly, fighting! Did I have to fight for them?.. Now I think I had to say them aloud, yes, but not pushing so much..

All of it raises these questions for me, like: where is the line between meeting the other person halfway, making efforts on one's part in the relations, and between wrecking oneself for benefits of other? Trying to fit into other's expectations by any costs is unhealthy, but any relations requires some adjustments to one another, compromises, doesn't it?.. Where is the line then between having my own needs met and having some tolerance with the fact that some of the needs stay unmet/met in slightly different way, as every person is different in their ways of showing care?..

Thank you - for your interest in this drama of mine! You know, it helps: the more I read and write here, the more I am on my way to process this experience.
 
Eh yes, sort of beating myself up for it :pensive: I want to acknowledge my own faults, so that will never happen again.

Well, yes - I told him in the open and direct way how he could fulfill my needs. He didn't say that he couldn't - instead he said that he'd try and he did so. I don't know why things went wrong after this. Maybe, it was unnatural for him; maybe my demands continued to be unsatisfied - since you know, when there is insecurity within oneself, there is never enough of displaying feelings of the significant other. That's why I say that mostly it's my own fault: I needed that constant reassurance, signs of his engagement, more and more, when in fact I should have looked inside troubled myself (I'm in therapy, btw, but it seemingly doesn't work well so far). He, on his part, never called me reactive or instable, and never blamed me neither said that I was doing something wrong. It's me who is saying all these to myself :anguished:

" he refused to see that his lack of caring for me the way I needed to be cared for (not the way he chose to show it) was the cause of it" - we had something similar to it at first. That was when I told him that for me keeping silent in days without any "how are you doing" felt bad, and he was surprised and said that for him keeping in touch all the time was never a priority :sweatsmile: Though later, like I wrote before, after my explanations of what did it mean to me, he agreed to show this care to me in my way, by writing more often. Next were my feelings of being needy once again... Back to unhealthy self, anyway.

" you were fighting for your needs to be met" - exactly, fighting! Did I have to fight for them?.. Now I think I had to say them aloud, yes, but not pushing so much..

All of it raises these questions for me, like: where is the line between meeting the other person halfway, making efforts on one's part in the relations, and between wrecking oneself for benefits of other? Trying to fit into other's expectations by any costs is unhealthy, but any relations requires some adjustments to one another, compromises, doesn't it?.. Where is the line then between having my own needs met and having some tolerance with the fact that some of the needs stay unmet/met in slightly different way, as every person is different in their ways of showing care?..

Thank you - for your interest in this drama of mine! You know, it helps: the more I read and write here, the more I am on my way to process this experience.
I think the questions you’ve been asking towards the end are the exact same questions I’ve been asking myself lately as well!!! How much compromise is too much.... what is the difference between compromise and settling....I read an article that basically defined it as the following (not a direct quote) compromise is when you sacrifice or adjust your ‘way’ or need without feeling negative about it afterwards (it bonds and improves the connection with your partner in spite of self), settling is where you think you’re compromising but you feel negative or maybe even worse afterwards.... it’s a fine line and all of us, no matter how healthy or unhealthy our views of ourselves are, will need to face this whenever we step into a partnership with another person, it’s tough on all of us and we all have issues that we need to resolve within ourselves... by no means was that intended to make you feel that your dilemmas are not important, I was making that statement as a means to console... you’re not alone, most if not all of us struggle to navigate these kinds of scenarios... as long as we keep learning more about ourselves during these situations then we really can’t be too hard on ourselves...
 
I think the questions you’ve been asking towards the end are the exact same questions I’ve been asking myself lately as well!!! How much compromise is too much.... what is the difference between compromise and settling....I read an article that basically defined it as the following (not a direct quote) compromise is when you sacrifice or adjust your ‘way’ or need without feeling negative about it afterwards (it bonds and improves the connection with your partner in spite of self), settling is where you think you’re compromising but you feel negative or maybe even worse afterwards.... it’s a fine line and all of us, no matter how healthy or unhealthy our views of ourselves are, will need to face this whenever we step into a partnership with another person, it’s tough on all of us and we all have issues that we need to resolve within ourselves... by no means was that intended to make you feel that your dilemmas are not important, I was making that statement as a means to console... you’re not alone, most if not all of us struggle to navigate these kinds of scenarios... as long as we keep learning more about ourselves during these situations then we really can’t be too hard on ourselves...

Thank you, - it's good to be reminded of that I'm not alone going through all this stuff and questions.. I believe it's right - I felt bad after making agreements with him.. Though, not because I felt as if he was having his own way on me, no. Just bad because it felt as if I was dragging it out of him - talkings, decisions, our agreements - as if I was the only one who had to work on this particular problem. Anyway, here is a similar answer, found on INTJ forum: "I think it's about finding someone who has at least similar enough expectations to yourself, so you can compromise without feeling like you are completely neglecting your own needs. I hate feeling 'needy'." Yeap.

"as long as we keep learning more about ourselves during these situations then we really can’t be too hard on ourselves..." - golden words of yours! I'll demand the most from myself, as I don't want to hurt anyone never again.
 
Thank you, - it's good to be reminded of that I'm not alone going through all this stuff and questions.. I believe it's right - I felt bad after making agreements with him.. Though, not because I felt as if he was having his own way on me, no. Just bad because it felt as if I was dragging it out of him - talkings, decisions, our agreements - as if I was the only one who had to work on this particular problem. Anyway, here is a similar answer, found on INTJ forum: "I think it's about finding someone who has at least similar enough expectations to yourself, so you can compromise without feeling like you are completely neglecting your own needs. I hate feeling 'needy'." Yeap.

"as long as we keep learning more about ourselves during these situations then we really can’t be too hard on ourselves..." - golden words of yours! I'll demand the most from myself, as I don't want to hurt anyone never again.

Aaahhh man you’re just the softest jelly heart Ever! You’ll find someone who’ll really appreciate that one day and take really good care of you in the way that makes you feel safe and secure...just be sure to keep an eye open to people that will take advantage of your gentle nature.. hope you’re doing ok and the forum is at least of some help/distraction.... the peeps on here appear to have some wacky alter-egos that can be quite entertaining, which is a nice distraction from the heavy conversations we all tend to gravitate towards more often than not :tonguewink:
 
Aaahhh man you’re just the softest jelly heart Ever! You’ll find someone who’ll really appreciate that one day and take really good care of you in the way that makes you feel safe and secure...just be sure to keep an eye open to people that will take advantage of your gentle nature.. hope you’re doing ok and the forum is at least of some help/distraction.... the peeps on here appear to have some wacky alter-egos that can be quite entertaining, which is a nice distraction from the heavy conversations we all tend to gravitate towards more often than not :tonguewink:

:blush:
Thanks, I hope for the best!
Yes, I've been trying to find some interesting conversations going on here, as distraction from my situation. Maybe, I could be helpful to someone :smiley: Though, it seems to me that there are not so many people active on this forum... Why so? Can't believe we INFJs have nothing to discuss/share with each other :confused1:
 
:blush:
Thanks, I hope for the best!
Yes, I've been trying to find some interesting conversations going on here, as distraction from my situation. Maybe, I could be helpful to someone :smiley: Though, it seems to me that there are not so many people active on this forum... Why so? Can't believe we INFJs have nothing to discuss/share with each other :confused1:
I’ll be honest, I felt the same last week, it’s a slow burn.... this week I feel well integrated here....the more you get to know everyone and comment on the threads the more you get out of the experience and other forum members get to know you too, I’m not actually very familiar with other forums, which other ones do you usually visit? I’d say give this one some time.... and everyone is super friendly to help out with any questions you may have....
I hope you’re feeling a little better though???
 
I’ll be honest, I felt the same last week, it’s a slow burn.... this week I feel well integrated here....the more you get to know everyone and comment on the threads the more you get out of the experience and other forum members get to know you too, I’m not actually very familiar with other forums, which other ones do you usually visit? I’d say give this one some time.... and everyone is super friendly to help out with any questions you may have....
I hope you’re feeling a little better though???

Thank you, I am feeling better a bit :kittyhug:
Going to search through different threads then, maybe get to know the members a little better. I used to visit INTJ forum to find my answers and surprisingly found there many issues "live" being discussed by many active users. After all, there is way more INTJs there in the world than us :grinning:
 
Some updates on my situation, if someone's interested still :)

So, we continued to communicate with him. Almost instantly after a "break-up", he wrote to me. And since then he continued to do so. At first I thought it was some kind of politeness, to check up on me how I was doing, - general stuff, as we had agreed to stay in touch after all. I expected that the contact between us would be rare and rather formal. I concluded that when we had been close back then, chat once a week was a norm for him, - so now when we ended so to speak, our chats would be probably once a month. But I was very surprised to see that he started to write me often, long, personal - asking how I was, sharing his life, etc. It was so unlike him. Knowing him, and knowing that he's INTJ - people like him don't spend so much of their time with random someone, and once INTJ decides it's the end - it's the end... I even thought that now he gives me what I was asking for in the past - his presence, attention... Anyway, I tried not to read anything in it, just accept how it was, - replied, warmed up to him again. It has been like that for about a month. I felt connected. However, felt tensed as well, as I didn't get what was going on between us. Eventually, the tension broke in my pulling back and pushing him away: I started being cold, touchy with him, wanted to be open and became defensive - all coping-strategies. He tried to assure me that there is nothing wrong in our differences, that he thought we have remained friends... Again our problems in communication showed on surface, and my overreactiveness made it worse. He was sort of confused as well, and we decided we need some time. I gritted my teeth and calmed down and tried to explain myself to him in a letter. It was a couple of days ago. Nothing since. And silence doesn't do me any good.

So, my questions are: what the hell was that? Why approaching me and making himself part of my life again? Friends? Missed me?

I can't ask him anything directly, because he doesn't know what he wants and feels, apparently. Worst of all, I don't know myself what I want. In addition, I always become so triggered with him that behave in a very unhealthy way.

Any suggestions, please.
 
Some updates on my situation, if someone's interested still :)

So, we continued to communicate with him. Almost instantly after a "break-up", he wrote to me. And since then he continued to do so. At first I thought it was some kind of politeness, to check up on me how I was doing, - general stuff, as we had agreed to stay in touch after all. I expected that the contact between us would be rare and rather formal. I concluded that when we had been close back then, chat once a week was a norm for him, - so now when we ended so to speak, our chats would be probably once a month. But I was very surprised to see that he started to write me often, long, personal - asking how I was, sharing his life, etc. It was so unlike him. Knowing him, and knowing that he's INTJ - people like him don't spend so much of their time with random someone, and once INTJ decides it's the end - it's the end... I even thought that now he gives me what I was asking for in the past - his presence, attention... Anyway, I tried not to read anything in it, just accept how it was, - replied, warmed up to him again. It has been like that for about a month. I felt connected. However, felt tensed as well, as I didn't get what was going on between us. Eventually, the tension broke in my pulling back and pushing him away: I started being cold, touchy with him, wanted to be open and became defensive - all coping-strategies. He tried to assure me that there is nothing wrong in our differences, that he thought we have remained friends... Again our problems in communication showed on surface, and my overreactiveness made it worse. He was sort of confused as well, and we decided we need some time. I gritted my teeth and calmed down and tried to explain myself to him in a letter. It was a couple of days ago. Nothing since. And silence doesn't do me any good.

So, my questions are: what the hell was that? Why approaching me and making himself part of my life again? Friends? Missed me?

I can't ask him anything directly, because he doesn't know what he wants and feels, apparently. Worst of all, I don't know myself what I want. In addition, I always become so triggered with him that behave in a very unhealthy way.

Any suggestions, please.

He's maybe confused about his emotions and how strong they are. My guess is he is either wanting to reconcile or at least feel ok about things.

The more important thing is how you feel about it all, imho.
 
He's maybe confused about his emotions and how strong they are. My guess is he is either wanting to reconcile or at least feel ok about things.

The more important thing is how you feel about it all, imho.

I feel confused and scared. I felt hopeful at some point that after everything calmed down between us, we were thinking, re-evaluated something maybe, and maybe will be able to maintain something good between us, no matter how to call it. That we would be able to learn how to behave towards each other in a normal way. I feel angry at the same time, that he didn't let me go. He had this opportunity, when I screwed this up, not to get closer to me anymore. Now I see it would have been for the best.
 
All in all, he'd better off me. He'll find many more interesting communication partners, - as far as I can witness, he continues using that website for finding language partners. And I had better have relationships with books, not with people.
 
It took me a while to finally dare to write on this forum, so here I am. I want to share my story here, in hope that it will help me to move on. Right now all is a burning mess from bitterness, disappointment, and sadness.

We met 9 months ago, online via a website for language exchange. At first, it was indeed language practicing, partnership, and interesting conversations. With time, our communication grew more personal – slowly, but surely we started sharing not only our thoughts/opinions/views on different subjects, but also getting to know each other’s lives, personalities, outlooks on life etc. He shared even more details about himself. We got in touch on a regular basis, usually once a week for a long call on Skype, and sometimes during the week we chatted on FB. Although we are very different people, at the beginning it wasn’t a problem: I admired his intelligence and calm approach to life, he seemed to like my emotionality and expressiveness. The better I got to know him, the more I liked him. It seemed to be mutual, but I don’t know for sure, not anymore. I used to have one internet relationships, which ended not so well for me at that time, although we’ve stayed as friends with this guy and I’m very pleased with this friendship. What I mean is that I didn’t want to fall again in this trap, as I knew from experience how difficult it is to be real, maintain a relationships in distance, and how easily one can misunderstood/misinterpret their partner due to internet communication’s distortions. So, I didn’t want that, but couldn’t help myself: I fell for him. Everything was fine till we approached 6 months period of our acquaintance. By this time I’d found out that he was INTJ: he had suggested this test once and we took it. I had been aware that I’m INFJ long ago, however, but nonetheless was curious to know his type and learn about it. Since things began to fall out between us, and it has lasted for the last 3 months, I turned to MBTI explanations not once. I was looking for answers, read people’s thoughts and insights both here and on INTJ’s forum – nothing helped. Anyway, going back to the time when all went wrong. I guess for me half-a-year of knowing him meant something, and I wanted further development between us. Maybe, more of his attention and presence in my life. For him, it was OK to continue having conversations once in a week; for me – this and other differences between us bothered me as signs of non-interest. Conflicts, or rather misunderstandings followed by not easy conversations started. One was when I started to feel like I was bothering him, needing him more than he needed me, writing more often and getting offended when he didn’t respond. He explained that it was normal for him, that even with the closest friends he interacted once in a week the most often. He didn’t understand my need to stay in touch at least, as that was an indication of care and being there for me. He was sure we’ll be fine, I’ll understand his way of communication and get used to it. I read in it insensitivity to my needs. We tried to stay for each other as random communication partners, as we both were satisfied with our intellectual talks, but nothing more, nothing personal anymore. He was the one who eventually broke this agreement, by starting talking with me in our old personal manner and wanting me to write to him also every once in a while, sometimes first, as it used to be. I missed him so much that I agreed to start over. Meanwhile I tried to get to the core of things, to understand, so that we’ll not have these problems again. I must mention that he is very classical INTJ type. Of course, the problems started again: I still needed him, felt like we’re stuck, felt insecure, needy, and dissatisfied with his rare availability, as if my emotions and needs weren’t heard. In return, he felt tensed, as he put it – because we kept having conflicts on the same matter. As an INTJ, he tried to reasonably explain himself, but it didn’t work – surely, I understood him from the logical point of view, but deep in heart my questions stayed unanswered. We began communicating less and less often. Next was the classical “INTJ/INFJ Death Spiral”: the more I tried to mend things, the more he distanced himself. We had these rough talks, couple of times we were close to breaking up completely. I don’t know what kept us together. Both of us could clearly see that there are huge problems on emotional and communication levels, but neither of us could handle them: he due to his avoidance, me because of my reactiveness. Then he started disappearing for weeks, apologizing later that he was going through some personal crisis (unrelated to me). I tried to be supportive, but not overall, as he needed. Then there was a long silence once again. These periods of being quiet were the worst for me. They felt as big gulfs between us which couldn’t be mended. When we don’t talk, all my black thoughts, doubts have a fertile ground to grow. I mentioned it to him, - and I told him that it would work if he were there for me more often, for example having short chats between our Skype calls, - he did so. I acknowledged his efforts. For some time, things run if not smoothly, at least normally between us – we chatted quite often, shared stuff, joked, discussed topics etc. However, it has been a long time since we had a proper call, due to routine and reasons like family’s birthdays etc. OK. Next fight was when I was about to share some of my old writings from my diary, as he previously had had some interest in, and he suddenly backed off from the idea. I felt rejected, almost lost temper in response. Then was again “the silent” week or so, which maybe was good for him to think and horrible for me to stew. After that was our regular tough talk of clarifying things, and he wrote that we kept having these conflicts, although he understood they were inevitable in any relations and therefore he wasn’t suggesting ending us or anything. I got it that he was confused, he said that he felt like I believed him to be the reason of why we couldn’t happen… I suffered and started more and more perceiving him as cold, detached – yes, I know, I know, INTJ would object me saying that for that fellow a sign of interest is that he’s willing to spend time with me on meaningful conversations, but it’s not enough for me. I needed to feel some bonding, to know that I matter to him. I couldn’t bring myself to write to him, and there was another week’s silence – I’d laugh now if I wasn’t so devastated. He eventually wrote to me as if nothing happened, I pretended as well. We were in touch, chatted nicely, but whom I was going to fool – when I’m hurt, I’m hurt, and it will show sooner or later. I just can’t get over things when they are not worked through, they leave scars… So, we stayed in touch, until there was another stupid conflict, - I didn’t respond to his message in my usual ample manner, which made him unexpectedly rude. We clarified it, but in the end I wrote that apparently I didn’t know him. As a result – please don’t laugh! – there was another weekly silence, which nearly killed me! His avoidance, instead of working through difficulties, has worn me off. It was a couple of weeks ago. I plucked up my courage and wrote to him with the aim to end this nightmare which our relations has become. Unfortunately for both of us, we preferred talking over writing. It was horrible. I was cross, he was detached, - he guessed that I was mad because of another f*cking silence. Unlike most of INTJ, he is not a direct person, to my horror. He couldn’t verbalize any disturbing stuff to me, he doesn’t know how. I tried to discuss things, he was mostly listening, until I said in despair that I couldn’t keep talking things for both of us. Yes, he said sorry. Yes, he said that understood me, - not like he felt the same, but like in abstract sense. Yes, he admitted that he cared for me, that he simply didn’t know how to mend things between us – but I had to pull it out of him. Awful. I said twice that I liked him, he didn’t say it in return… He said that he expected that eventually someone would write to another one, apologize, and all would be good – just like that! Asked me whether I still going to visit his country (that was our old plan), and on my surprised confirmation he said that it would be nice to see me in person, if I still wanted it… We even laughed during that horrid conversation! In the end, though, it gone a nightmare: I needed answers, pushed him, he locked up and was – literally – silent for the hell of time… I suggested mending things – silence. I suggested saying goodbye to each other right now – silence. Then I suggested taking a pausa – he supported that idea. On the next day, though, I switched couple of times from ending things to giving them last chance. We agreed on keeping silent and thinking about our condition once more, and getting in touch later. I sent my wishes on his bd, which was a few days ago, and nothing since. I feel it as dead end. Another factor in addition to my resentment – I noticed that he visits that website for meeting new people for language exchange (or not only for language practicing?..), and does it quite actively. I felt betrayed. Of course, running for fresh relations is much easier than trying to repair the current problematic one. However, nothing can be repaired. I’ve had this feeling for rather a long time, but I was clinging to this relationships – out of hopefulness, feelings for him, or more likely my own destructiveness. I admired his brains, vast knowledge, wittiness, satire, endless curiosity to life, kindness, and much more. But I’m damaged emotionally by him, and there is no way back. The most traumatic thing for me is that not only didn’t he understand my emotions/feelings, how it was like for me, the way I reacted to him and life – he even didn’t validate my emotions, as if he didn’t believe them to be true, genuine. Another sad thing: he’s intuitive enough, he knew that I was hurt, and couldn’t be bothered to reach out to me. Maybe, he didn’t care enough, or maybe I imagined everything and for him it was usual friendship and weird girl overreacting.

Anyway, I wrote this awful piece in hope that writing itself will help me, as it usually does. Thank all of you who read it J I hope it may be useful for those of you who have encountered INTJs and maybe have some struggle. One part of me wants to scream to all the INFJs out there – if you ever meet INTJ, run! For your own sake, as eventually it would be you who get hurt! On the other hand, some conclusions can be drawn on my story. I read that there are happy INTJ/INFJ couples. Maybe, it can work out, if both partners are mature enough. In my case, we are both 28 year old with unhealthy background in terms of building relationships. Any comments are welcomed.

P.S.: Sorry for my mistakes, English is not my native language.



I was married to an intj for 11 years I felt alone the majority of the time. In the end he started to show more narcissistic traits. He was all about vindictive revenge. He ultimately gaslighted me and had an affair with my best friend while I was pregnant with our daughter. I was emotionally terrorized by him for 3 years from his abandonment and dismissal of my validated feelings. I've been on my own now for over a year. I have forgiven him just recently as the last step to move on. I randomly met an infj like me and what a breath of fresh air. He's moving in Sunday!! Oh and when the ex intj found out my bf was moving in he tried to get me back after being gone over a year. Typical. I'll never ever date another intj.
 
I was married to an intj for 11 years I felt alone the majority of the time. In the end he started to show more narcissistic traits. He was all about vindictive revenge. He ultimately gaslighted me and had an affair with my best friend while I was pregnant with our daughter. I was emotionally terrorized by him for 3 years from his abandonment and dismissal of my validated feelings. I've been on my own now for over a year. I have forgiven him just recently as the last step to move on. I randomly met an infj like me and what a breath of fresh air. He's moving in Sunday!! Oh and when the ex intj found out my bf was moving in he tried to get me back after being gone over a year. Typical. I'll never ever date another intj.


Sorry to hear about your awful experience! That INTJ guy seems to be a real bas*ard, very sick personality.

My experience with "my" INTJ was nothing like that: he's one of the kindest and most patient people I've ever known. Revenge, unfaithfulness, or manipulations - these attributes are so alien to his personality. In fact, I should change the title of this thread to "Confession of INFJ who hurt INTJ" :(

It's awful that you had to suffer through all of this because of your ex, but hey, here is the bright side: I think especially after going through hell with that man, you were able to shape better what you want and what kind of man deserves to be around you. Hopefully everything works out, for both you and your daughter!

P.S.: gosh, where do you find INFJ guys? I'd not mind dating one :)
 
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