Dating the addicted (alcohol and/or drug).

midnightmelody said:
Why are so many infjs in these kinds of relationships?


We, of all people, obsessed with finding our perfect partners, end up with people that don't even cherish us like they should?

Ok, that was a bit of a rant, but I am noticing a bit of a trend.
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I see mostly females commenting, but let me assure you it is not only the female INFJ's that do this--we male INFJ's are perfectly capable of getting into these same types of relationships, and we do! Most of my relationships have been about "saving" someone.

First, our mates have to understand us, which is very hard. And oh, do we long to be understood! Yes, we are obsessed with finding our soulmate, but we also have a huge need to rescue or save someone. It has to do with empathy. We feel the good in everyone, and since we can see it, we think we can bring it out. It doesn't always work that way. People have to want to change. They have to realize it's ok to have faults and still love themselves.
 
INFJs want to be "Needed". Such a pity.

ENTPs tend not to "Need" as strong, but are much more stable, much more appreciative and loving, as well as need on a different level.
 
Wow, I wake up this morning to be hit with a whole slew of responses! :)

Anyway, as for "addiction..." Maybe I am a little naive on the subject, but I would think that it comes down to personal responsibility and accountability. Additionally, I believe this to be the case with many (ie, bipolar, personality disorders) mental illnesses, as well.

With both of these conditions, you have a lack of awareness, so I would imagine healing and managing symptoms would be about learning to take responsibility.

I have stated to Erin over and over again via personal example and via teaching her (She told me she wanted to be my "thesis," LOL) ways to be aware, and I know that she is more than aware now of her actions. The problem is she wants to gain sympathy... she literally has an attention problem. She told me that when she was younger she used to fake being sick just to get attention and miss school... this (attention-seeking behavior) has extended in other areas of her life.

I appeciate all the responses that were directed at my question. I am wondering, besides Ent, if anyone else has been in a relationship with the addicted or mentally ill? I am wondering if you would be willing to briefly share your experiences?

I guess what it comes down to is me examing MY reasons for staying... ie, if it's so "bad," why am I staying? Honestly, I do care about her (of course), but underlying that is fear... fear of being alone. I guess I fear not being able to A. Support myself emotional, and B. Find another partner. I have all these ridiculous fears. For example, I seem to think "I'm getting 'older,' and the older I get the less likely I will be able to find a partner... ie, people are getting married, have families, etc." So yeah... sometimes I let my fears get the best of me. Other times I have serious doubts when it comes to my self esteem (it often fluctuates depending on how productive I feel) and so I will feel the need to rely on someone emotionally and fear with out that my world may fall apart.

I know realistically this is not true. I know that I could handle being alone, but it wasn't until recently that I even realized this was the (main) reason I was staying in this (and other) relationships. So now where I'm at is I'm thinking "Okay, I've outlined for her (first, myself) what it takes to have a healthy relationship..." I have literally done a lot of research and come up with a diagram. I figure I'll give her/us a chance to see if she can demonstrate what I have laid out. I figure "Well, before I did not lay it out so clearly for her/us and so maybe this will help."

I don't know, maybe that's a cop-out and an excuse, and I'm just dragging out the rel. when it's already over, but the least I can (will be able to) say is that I truly tried.

I honestly think at this point I am ready to meet someone new. I have laid out these standards, have given Erin and I a shot over and over, and I am tired of the same results. I am ready to build a healthy partnership. I think I will slowly begin to seperate from her and prepare for the arrival of a new partner. I have already made an aggreement to myself (and stated clearly to her) that I will not be engaging in any "physical" activity with her. I told her that I made a mistake by having sexual intercourse with her before trusting her (once again, my own issue). I thought that I trusted her, but my "radar" was off (it's been off... for years); until, again, recently, when I came up with this list of standards.
 
Questingpoet said:
I see mostly females commenting, but let me assure you it is not only the female INFJ's that do this--we male INFJ's are perfectly capable of getting into these same types of relationships, and we do! Most of my relationships have been about "saving" someone.

First, our mates have to understand us, which is very hard. And oh, do we long to be understood! Yes, we are obsessed with finding our soulmate, but we also have a huge need to rescue or save someone. It has to do with empathy. We feel the good in everyone, and since we can see it, we think we can bring it out. It doesn't always work that way. People have to want to change. They have to realize it's ok to have faults and still love themselves.
Click to expand...

I think the ACA (Adult children of alcoholic or otherwise dsyfunctional upbringing) "Laundry List" can relate to most INFJ's. I am going to propose the possibility of this being true. Here is a list of the ACA characteristics:

  • We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
  • We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
  • We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
  • We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
  • We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
  • We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This enables us not to look too closely at our own faults.
  • We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
  • We become addicted to excitement.
  • We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people who we can "pity" and "rescue".
  • We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (denial).
  • We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
  • We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
  • Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of the disease even though we did not pick up the drink. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
 
Update: Erin and I are going on 14 months, and I just wanted to say we have the same issues as we always have... she dropped out of NA and is now going to my ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and otherwise dysfunctional families). I am thinking it is helping her and she is able to open up easier here, but it still doesn't negate the fact that she is a "dry" addict, similar to a "dry drunk." She still displays many of the characteristics of an addict or otherwise addicted person.

Anyway, another new piece of info is I think she's an ISFP. She has taken a few tests and scores both ESFP and ISFP. I asked her about her childhood and she said she was always very shy... very isolating... She is the lost child role in the family vs. family mascot, so based off that information and after having read some other info, I think she's an ISFP (slight I). Enneagram wise, she is either a SX/SP SP/SX 6w7 or 7w6.

I am currently depending on her for emotional support due to my inability to grieve the loss of my father (6 years ago). It's very frustrating. I have developed a plan for myself, and I am going to work (both for myself and others) to supply the means for myself so that I can get the true help I need and be more emotionally (and financially) independent. I have decided to go into business for myself and am now a personal development coach specializing in facilitating intrapersonal awareness. I plan to have my business solid in 1 or 2 years. I will be working on developing a more concrete business plan within the next 3 months.
 
What is your experience with addiction?

Ack! Nobody has continued this thread,and I would like to get it moving again :) Stories, anyone? What is your experience with addiction?
 
My parents are both recovering alcoholics/drug addicts. My father has been sober for 20 years and my mother for 18 so I haven't seen them go out and use.

I have an aunt who is an alcoholic/ occasional drug user whom isn't in recovery and due to that I can't see her, and her children whom are my cousins I don't get to see often because I have to stay away from her abusive behavior- and she is abusive. She threatened to light my sister's hair on fire and almost did it when my sister was six years old- and this is when she was sober.

My father's brother ( my uncle) has been sober about 18 years, and he has a daughter about my age, she'd be my cousin. Well her mom did a lot of cocaine when she was pregnant with my cousin so my cousin is all fucked up, not only that but her mom was in and out of jail her entire life until a few years ago when my cousin moved in with her. I can't go see my cousin anymore because now she has become an addict.

I'm a member of a youth organization that I was one of the original founders of that is designed to help kids who have parents in recovery. We're a prevention group but mainly our goal is to provide a safe place for kids who don't want to go down the same path as their parents and consciously chose to be drug free.

So, I go around with these kids, host meetings and talk to them about their experiences, we go talk to mayors and are active in the community. All of this happened because of alcoholism and drug addiction. They're pretty powerful things in my opinion and it's made me who I am, along a ton of other kids I know.
 
Both of my parents were heroine addicts the 1st 8 or 9 years of my life. When I was 9 I was sent to live with my psychotic aunt for a few months, I remember back then not knowing what was happening since no one told me, but my brothers were also split up between the family and we lost contact for a while. Ultimately though the folks were able to overcome it and we became a family again. Except much of what we were was just a commercial for everyone we met in the new town we moved to. We were still pretty dysfunctional and all that but at least we were together. I have great respect for what my family came through and went through, both of my folks had no father, had large families 5+ children and single mothers.

My own journey into drug abuse began when I went to college and I was away from my support structures which were 60 miles away back home. I started on pot and moved into stuff like E, mushrooms, and pills. Mostly I was just trying to stop feeling so fucking awful all the time and depressed. It did the trick, especially the alcohol which I abused pretty badly before I discovered marijuana.

I was never at any point "addicted" because I always knew what I was doing and why I was doing it. I made some pretty shitty choices though under the influence and there are a lot of things I cant take back that I wish I could. but I guess thats just life.
 
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