Detecting and dealing with Fakeness

[gloomy-optimist]

Fake people are everywhere. Society expects people to be fake. There are certain emotions we are not supposed to convey, certain thoughts we are supposed to keep to ourselves, and some people believe that being fake has more positive benefits than negatives.

Honestly, I either ignore it or I go with it. If someone wants to give me a compliment, that's their choice -- I can tell if they're being fake or not, so it doesn't matter to me. I'll take it or leave it depending on the vibe. It doesn't much bother me -- it means they either don't know me and might want to or they have to deal with me when they otherwise wouldn't. I wouldn't hold that against a person.

Really, I've gotten used to the fake-culture. I respond politely to people who are polite to me; if someone compliments me, I'll smile and say thank you. Fe-dominant users are notorious here because they feel very strongly towards doing the "right" thing socially -- if they are upset when they feel they shouldn't be, they'll put on a face; if they don't like someone but don't want to cause conflict, they'll force politeness; etc.

But in some ways, that's not all bad. It helps avoid some conflicts. If you have to deal with someone, it's really not that bad to deal with fake kindness -- especially if you respond sincerely. People tend to become more "real" when you respond warmly and openly; it breaks down their defenses. That doesn't mean you have to break down your walls, but if someone smiles and asks you about your day, respond brightly and honestly, and they'll either open up or be satisfied and leave you alone. If they don't, find an excuse to break off the conversation yourself -- but it's always nice to give people a chance. Most people do mean well.

But malicious-fake is different, of course. If you feel like someone's being too forceful, manipulative, or has a detrimental alternative motive, then keep on your guard.

There have been a few times when I've been thought of as fake. Sometimes my actions can take its exact opposite depending who I am talking to. I'm serious at one time, and then, see me with another person I'm loud and bubbly. Almost overreacting. I can't help it sometimes, I don't know why I do it.

I have a similar issue. I'm comfortable with some people, so I show more emotion and excitement, whereas with others I'm more distant and composed -- it seems like I'm hiding parts of myself, when really I'm not. To me, it's just natural for the situation.

 

[Top cat]

^Nowadays I just try to act the same in general
And I only act like my bubbly self when I'm in privacy with the other person

People are always watching...

It's simple really, don't play into the fallcies they give to you. That only gives them exactly what they want.

I had a really terrible experience when I didn't give them what they want
Some people seem to believe when they act fake, that it's just expected a person will do what they want... and they have a hard time dealing with someone who doesn't go their way. They think "they don't get it"
And I had no one on my side who would believe me (Somehow they don't see through fake behaviour)

Anyway I've sort of developed my own 'mask' too.. and just go with the flow. Not necessarily fake, it's more of a shield.. I give them a little of what they want but not at 100%

 

[Gaze]

I'm comfortable with some people, so I show more emotion and excitement, whereas with others I'm more distant and composed -- it seems like I'm hiding parts of myself, when really I'm not. To me, it's just natural for the situation.

Yeah, same here.

 

[the]

Don't reciprocate it.
Be yourself and act however is natural to you. I'm sure that kindness and common courtesy are things you value.

Those things are not fake. If you think being kind and courteous to someone you dislike is fake, then weigh the pros and cons of being civil and keeping the peace or causing tension and conflict with someone.

As for flattery, I wouldn't bask in it or encourage more of it. As a habit, I usually respond to it with a stone face and a quick nod. That conveys that I'm not about the bullshit, no one seems put off by it.

This is exactly the opposite of how you act.

 

[sassafras]

Honestly, if I bother to notice it at all, it doesn't irritate me in the slightest. People have their reasons, and if it makes them feel better about themselves, well, so be it. And I've learned that it's best not to contradict them. There are always going to be times when you can use the knowledge of the truth to your advantage later.

The only people I actually care about being genuine are my family and a few close friends. Everyone else I keep at arm's length.

 

[NeverAmI]

Honestly, if I bother to notice it at all, it doesn't irritate me in the slightest. People have their reasons, and if it makes them feel better about themselves, well, so be it. And I've learned that it's best not to contradict them. There are always going to be times when you can use the knowledge of the truth to your advantage later.

The only people I actually care about being genuine are my family and a few close friends. Everyone else I keep at arm's length.

Mmm, excellent answer.

 

[Jayce]

I think there are different levels of fakeness. For example, I'd put hiding your emotions as to not burden others (like the mom example) in a different category from a backhanded compliment.

I can easily call people on their bullshit. Thankfully, I don't run into people like that a lot because it just isn't the kind of person I prefer to hang out with. If I'm forced into a situation with them I'll keep them at arms length and maybe humor them, if you will, to be polite. I do make it a point, however, to always be sincere whenever possible. Sincerity is something value extremely highly.

I remember there was this kid in my high school who was super popular with everyone, students and teachers alike. He was a huge asshole and the biggest faker I ever had the misfortune to meet. It pissed me off that people couldn't see behind his facade and loved him to death. He was the kind of guy who would compliment someone and then the second they walked away starting talking bullshit about them behind their back. I hated it and avoided him as much as possible, as did my other INFJ friend.

 

[Top cat]

I remember there was this kid in my high school who was super popular with everyone, students and teachers alike. He was a huge asshole and the biggest faker I ever had the misfortune to meet. It pissed me off that people couldn't see behind his facade and loved him to death. He was the kind of guy who would compliment someone and then the second they walked away starting talking bullshit about them behind their back. I hated it and avoided him as much as possible, as did my other INFJ friend.

These are such dangerous people...

I don't understand it either
this person's behaviour (and other people's, in believing him)--do you have any ideas? Did he even like anyone really? I read it might be a sort of sociopathy

 

[Roger]

Well, solongoton,

Actually there is no need to pay attention to them. I think we should leave them as they are. Means, just be focused about self behavior or self thinking. Well, you know we can't change others, so talk to them in a way so they can realize where they are making mistakes and it is not good thing to remain as fake person, have fake emotions.

Just be concerned about one's thoughts.

 

[soulseeker]

I think there are different levels of fakeness. For example, I'd put hiding your emotions as to not burden others (like the mom example) in a different category from a backhanded compliment.

I can easily call people on their bullshit. Thankfully, I don't run into people like that a lot because it just isn't the kind of person I prefer to hang out with. If I'm forced into a situation with them I'll keep them at arms length and maybe humor them, if you will, to be polite. I do make it a point, however, to always be sincere whenever possible. Sincerity is something value extremely highly.

I remember there was this kid in my high school who was super popular with everyone, students and teachers alike. He was a huge asshole and the biggest faker I ever had the misfortune to meet. It pissed me off that people couldn't see behind his facade and loved him to death. He was the kind of guy who would compliment someone and then the second they walked away starting talking bullshit about them behind their back. I hated it and avoided him as much as possible, as did my other INFJ friend.

oh my gosh!!!! that guy is like half of the people around me.. almost everyone here is like that...

i don't get why others don't see it
i have only one close friend who notices the same things but the others are sooo clueless they think that these people are sweet, kind, caring, whatever bla bla they only THINK that

but they don't see the hidden evil attitudes of those people

urghhh!!!!!! i hate those people who deceive other people to be praised and gain popularity and personal reputation

 

[sookie]

I hate liars. I think lying is the worst form of faking. Once I see someone lie I never trust them again.

 

[testing]

I hate liars. I think lying is the worst form of faking. Once I see someone lie I never trust them again.

Me too.

But there is a difference between faking (i.e. lack of emotional authenticity) and lying. If I didn't fake it fairly often, I could not get through my days, because I would
1. be hiding in the closet
or 2. be having some kind of emotional breakdown
or 3. be offending someone pretty much all the time.
I can't do that; it would be obnoxious and selfish. So, sometimes you just have to suck it up and plaster on that smile to get through life, and enjoy the good bits where you don't have to fake it.

 

[Gaze]

Hate to admit it, but if i didn't fake or perfom on a regular basis, i wouldn't have a job. It's what's expected. Sometimes, you can't get away from that. It's not always a choice, the need to be fake. There are so many social pressures today, that we almost always can't live through our work, home, or play days, without faking kindness or politeness in some way, just to get through it. If we were to be honest, no one would accept it, while others would certainly get away with it.

 

[Billy]

As an INFJ I have a very strong dislike for fake emotions, fake flattery, fake relationships, etc...

I can sense them very fast and accurately but I always feel uncomfortable because I do not know how to proceed after I detect it. I don't like forcing myself to be fake in exchange. Knowing something is fake such as a person, someone's feeling or reaction toward you in this society makes me bitter at times.

I personally despise it but I can't deny the fact that fake everything seems to make the world go around.

How do you deal with fake people, attitudes, situations, emotions...?

Depends on the people being fake. I wear a persona in public and business that comes off very extroverted and strong, if someone flattered me with fake praise out there I would find a way to use that to my advantage. If it was someone I actually cared about though I would probably feel a degree of distress and work through it in my head until I could or couldn't figure it out then either let it go or ask for clarification. Im good at sniffing out agenda though when people act fake to me.

 

[Atlas]

As an INFJ I have a very strong dislike for fake emotions, fake flattery, fake relationships, etc...

I can sense them very fast and accurately but I always feel uncomfortable because I do not know how to proceed after I detect it. I don't like forcing myself to be fake in exchange. Knowing something is fake such as a person, someone's feeling or reaction toward you in this society makes me bitter at times.

I personally despise it but I can't deny the fact that fake everything seems to make the world go around.

How do you deal with fake people, attitudes, situations, emotions...?

I could not have phrased how I feel about fakeness better than your words. Unfortunately I believe it's the norm more than the exception. How do I deal with it? I think that when you react to or mirror something, you only encourage it further. When I'm new to an environment or group of people, I put them through a break in period of "extreme genuine-ness" so they're not offended later when I don't react to them with patronization and sugar coating. Because I've been honest with everybody up-front, I can shed myself of the burdens of pretending that everything is wonderful, asking about co-workers' children that i don't care about, and greeting people with anything more than "hello" and "see ya", without people thinking I'm a dick. Although outsiders who are used to fakeness are shocked at first, I have the freinds and allies that I do very much because of this behavior, and I'm trusted by most people.

 

[daydreamer]

As an INFJ I have a very strong dislike for fake emotions, fake flattery, fake relationships, etc...

I can sense them very fast and accurately but I always feel uncomfortable because I do not know how to proceed after I detect it. I don't like forcing myself to be fake in exchange. Knowing something is fake such as a person, someone's feeling or reaction toward you in this society makes me bitter at times.

I personally despise it but I can't deny the fact that fake everything seems to make the world go around.

How do you deal with fake people, attitudes, situations, emotions...?

I have trouble detecting this, I sometimes have a feeling but I could be reading people wrong or I don't know.

I know, it's sickening how we have to fake everything in order to get through life. Faking a smile (though they say a fake smile can turn into a real smile very quickly), holding back tears, hiding your feelings, etc.

I'm just kind to them. I don't know their story, they could be having a lot of things going on right now, so I might as well be nice to them.

Or I sometimes ask them what's wrong.

 

[flux]

Isn't this one of those cases where Ni and Fe could have very different motives? Wouldn't Fe play a certain role in actually generating faker-y? Wouldn't some of us be caught in a double-edged game of needing to weed out the fake, but not being able to stamp out all of it out, even in ourselves? (This hasn't been my experience with INFJs, but typologically I can't yet make it work. I may have to piggyback onto another thread.)

I will say this though. It's been my experience that INFPs are more gullible than INFJs where outright duplicity is involved. I think it's in our nature to want to believe in a person's goodness.

I also think I was once the target of a past ISTP employer's tertiary Ni bullshit detector run amok, judging me harshly -- and incorrectly for that matter.

 

[Jayce]

These are such dangerous people...

I don't understand it either
this person's behaviour (and other people's, in believing him)--do you have any ideas? Did he even like anyone really? I read it might be a sort of sociopathy

I have a hard time trying to understand how people always believed him. He was really manipulative and a sycophant. I guess some people don't sense that kind of thing as well as others. He had a large group of friends. Like I said, everyone liked him. I had a friend who, in a moment of insight, told me "Wow...he's really a jerk." That's what I had been trying to tell for the past forever.

Even after that though she still hung out with him and had an extremely hard time turning him down when he asked her to go out with her.

So, I don't know! People confuse me!

 

[Julia]

I get detached from the situation when it feels fake. I think it might be partly anxiety, but I'm not sure. I tend to feel like I am observing the whole thing from a distance. The way I typically encounter it is when someone is competitively bragging at me to establish their status. I start to wonder how they view the situation and wonder how they view my reaction. I wonder why they are working so hard to impress me when I use a different sort of measuring rod. I think a person's worth is intrinsic and not based on performance. If they were mentally disabled I would respect them the same as if they won the prize. Sometimes I feel sorry for people who feel that they must construct their acceptability. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by external demands. Sometimes I'm just confused. All the while I smile and nod, which now that I think of it might be fake in its own way.

 

[SweetDreams]

I think that everyone is a bit fake to a certain extent.

I for one hate people seeing me when i'm feeling a bit down,
so i usually force myself to be a little more positive and outgoing.

I hate being negative, and feel as though it wouldn't be
fair to others.

However it depends on the situation- when i'm in one of those
moods and i get the opportunity to, i'll remove myself from the
situation and find some alone time.

As for other people, i'm generally more cautious around those
who give me bad vibes, and can usually tell when someone
isn't being genuine.