[INFJ] Do INFJs have problems with low self-worth and low self-esteen, or is it just me?

[Sandie33]

Growing up, I struggled with doubt from myself and others. When I wasn't reading, I was looking for opportunities to excel. Over time, I got involved with a variety of organizations. I failed, I succeeded. These small failures and successes laid the floor for higher stakes. I learned to bet on myself. If a person doesn't have themselves then they don't really have anyone or anything else.

God damn it, let's fight until it's done.

I learned to bet on myself. If a person doesn't have themselves then they don't really have anyone or anything else.

God damn it, let's fight until it's done.

Contextually, Pin, it is not a fight, or least it shouldn't be; instead it's a reckoning of acceptance...thus, making it much easier to navigate.

 

[Wyote]

it's a reckoning of acceptance

Haha! Love that.

 

[Sandie33]

Haha! Love that.

'Tis true for many

Once the reconcilliation of our lights and darks takes place we're more a determined shade of gray

 

[Wyote]

'Tis true for many

Once the reconcilliation of our lights and darks takes place we're more a determined shade of gray

 

[Sandie33]

Egg-sactly!!

 

[Jonah Caan]

You are such a beautiful and kindred soul, my friend.

I honestly felt I was reading my own story in many ways. The severe bullying, not having many friends, feeling alone and alienated. A bit of a dysfunctional household--- In a way, I think it sort of affected me when it came to my insecurities in relationships---having this weird abandonment issues and feeling as if I wasn't good enough due to seeing how screwed up my parents' relationship were and the complicated divorce. Of course, it is much better now, but I still have to fight that negative urge and remind myself that I am good enough...

Also, I heavily relate to the image problem. When I was younger, I was considered to be an "ugly duckling" so to speak. I was very overweight and had some acne when I was in my early teens. Once I hit 16-18ish, I sort of grew out of that awkward phase---more once I hit 20--- and I look completely different now. But the wounds of the bullying and subconscious beliefs that I am ugly and nobody will love me sort of still stays with me a bit. I have had many people tell me I look like a combo of Monica Bellucci and Jennifer Lawrence, and have various compliments which I am really flattered of but no matter how hard I freaking try, I cannot seem to comprehend or understand it. I still see myself as that vulnerable, shy, and insecure girl who desperately wanted to be accepted but was ridiculed instead. It's hard to remind yourself that you changed physically and emotionally as a person and you are in a better place, but sometimes it is easy to succumb to the darkness.

That "ugly duckling" syndrome is an actual real thing unfortunately... I do wish you the best and lots of amazing memories with another man who will give you the world. You deserve it and you seem like such a wonderful, lovely person---inside and out. I understand your situation, I really do. Just know you aren't alone and we are in this complicated but beautiful journey together.

And you are by no means a narcissist. Usually those who are narcissist usually doesn't see anything wrong with themselves and don't choose to see how they really are. You are too kind and sweet to be one.

Much love. *hugs*

You are such a beautiful and kindred soul, my friend.

I honestly felt I was reading my own story in many ways. The severe bullying, not having many friends, feeling alone and alienated. A bit of a dysfunctional household--- In a way, I think it sort of affected me when it came to my insecurities in relationships---having this weird abandonment issues and feeling as if I wasn't good enough due to seeing how screwed up my parents' relationship were and the complicated divorce. Of course, it is much better now, but I still have to fight that negative urge and remind myself that I am good enough...

Also, I heavily relate to the image problem. When I was younger, I was considered to be an "ugly duckling" so to speak. I was very overweight and had some acne when I was in my early teens. Once I hit 16-18ish, I sort of grew out of that awkward phase---more once I hit 20--- and I look completely different now. But the wounds of the bullying and subconscious beliefs that I am ugly and nobody will love me sort of still stays with me a bit. I have had many people tell me I look like a combo of Monica Bellucci and Jennifer Lawrence, and have various compliments which I am really flattered of but no matter how hard I freaking try, I cannot seem to comprehend or understand it. I still see myself as that vulnerable, shy, and insecure girl who desperately wanted to be accepted but was ridiculed instead. It's hard to remind yourself that you changed physically and emotionally as a person and you are in a better place, but sometimes it is easy to succumb to the darkness.

That "ugly duckling" syndrome is an actual real thing unfortunately... I do wish you the best and lots of amazing memories with another man who will give you the world. You deserve it and you seem like such a wonderful, lovely person---inside and out. I understand your situation, I really do. Just know you aren't alone and we are in this complicated but beautiful journey together.

And you are by no means a narcissist. Usually those who are narcissist usually doesn't see anything wrong with themselves and don't choose to see how they really are. You are too kind and sweet to be one.

Much love. *hugs*

Thank you for your warm and kind words; they left me speechless for a while.

I completely understand what you wrote abut your insecurities from childhood resurfacing within relationships. I found I have an anxious attachment style because of mine. Essentially, this means that I can become constantly worried about losing someone I love, especially if I feel like they have begun to distance themselves from me. If someone’s honest with me and I know that they’re well and we’re okay, I could stay without talking or seeing them for months. But when my attachment anxiety kicks in, then it’s a different story altogether.

What I realised from falling so deeply in love is that I don’t like it; it makes me feel needy and like I’ve lost myself; my independence and space. Now that I have overcome the heartbreak (mostly, haha), I feel like my ‘old self’ again but stronger. I love just being by myself again; I had forgotten how much I loved that before being in a relationship. I feel like I'm constantly growing mentally and spiritually and hopefully this is the final phase of mending my heart too.

But although I don’t like being in love, I feel like I live to love. I just think what’s the point of life without great, deep and mutual relationships? I guess I’m still finding the balance.

I think the ‘ugly duckling’ syndrome is fascinating and I relate to what you wrote; it was very similar for me indeed. I think as a kid one f my core beliefs was that my parents were always right and so on. So everything my dad said to me resonated as truth; I didn’t question it.

Thank you for your heart-felt wishes. For now, I’m truly enjoying being by myself having found myself again (if that makes sense). I still have occasional days where the pain resurfaces, and I miss my ex terribly, but those days are few and far between now. I’m so relieved to be able to write that; it’s been one of the hardest periods of time in my life (not to sound too dramatic, haha). But I really have learnt so much and I don’t think there are many things more valuable in life than wisdom, and I feel like I gained a bit. I actually feel like I deserve it after going through those depths of pain.

I’m glad some of the things I said gave you some comfort; I guess it’s that thing of knowing that we’re not alone. Reading your kind words though, just make me think “I’m not a good person, you don’t know what evil and selfish thoughts I feel at times” haha. I guess I just have high expectations for myself; need to tone it down.

I wish you continued strength, love and the little joys of life.

Much love in return

 

[JennyDaniella]

What I realised from falling so deeply in love is that I don’t like it; it makes me feel needy and like I’ve lost myself; my independence and space. Now that I have overcome the heartbreak (mostly, haha), I feel like my ‘old self’ again but stronger. I love just being by myself again; I had forgotten how much I loved that before being in a relationship. I feel like I'm constantly growing mentally and spiritually and hopefully this is the final phase of mending my heart too.

I relate strongly. It is that odd feeling knowing that being in a relationship will sort of make you more dependent on the person in a way, makes you feel needy of their love and all. It's why I haven't been in a relationship for the last two years because I don't like those type of feelings I get, having those worries and not being fully independent---but I believe if you find the right, ideal person for you; you honestly won't have those feelings because you will feel secure and confident in the relationship and know deep down that they are the ideal person for you who won't stab you in the back or distance from you. However, before we get into the dating field, we have to work on ourselves first and work on self-love and appreciation, and do some inner soul work.

Reading your kind words though, just make me think “I’m not a good person, you don’t know what evil and selfish thoughts I feel at times” haha. I guess I just have high expectations for myself; need to tone it down.

No human is perfect. I believe even the most kindest and and selfless person will have their moments of selfishness and mean thoughts; it's unfortunately human nature. But the important thing is that once we acknowledge that we have those feelings is when we have to catch and remind ourselves that we are better than our negative thoughts. It's a gradual process. Everyone struggles to keep a positive and kind face, but as long as we try and put some work in being good human beings and be kind to others, then that is more than good enough.

And you're welcome! I'm glad that my words helped in some way!

 

[Jonah Caan]

I relate strongly. It is that odd feeling knowing that being in a relationship will sort of make you more dependent on the person in a way, makes you feel needy of their love and all. It's why I haven't been in a relationship for the last two years because I don't like those type of feelings I get, having those worries and not being fully independent---but I believe if you find the right, ideal person for you; you honestly won't have those feelings because you will feel secure and confident in the relationship and know deep down that they are the ideal person for you who won't stab you in the back or distance from you. However, before we get into the dating field, we have to work on ourselves first and work on self-love and appreciation, and do some inner soul work.

I completely understand what you're saying; I'm just sitting here nodding my head. I hate feeling needy; I love loving people (who I think deserve that love, haha) whilst maintaining my independence and not wanting anything in return.

There's a guy I'm seeing now who said he has strong feeling for me and I feel the same about him. But it's scared me and I've distanced myself from him out of fear of being hurt again. I feel like such a coward, but having gone through the throngs of heartbreak I'm just in risk management mode. I'm going to see him again over the weekend though.

Once I had my heart broken, I felt like just 'closing it up'. But then I realised that's how so many people become 'cold-hearted'. And although the pain that can arise out of loving can be at times unbearable, I think it's better to keep an open heart because I feel that the capacity to love fully is one of the greatest gifts we possess. You're absolutely tight though; we have to step back and reflect heal and find ourselves again before we go back out there. But back out in the scary world we must go, for without it we would surely lose ourselves.

I guess there's no winning and I'll never have the relationships I crave; this isn't heaven after-all. I think my expectations of people are just too high; I make mistakes too and I have to remember that. But the thing is, in all my relationships, I can say with all my heart that I was never the one to f*** it up. I always saw how my partners could go wrong and I always explained to them that should they feel or think what I thought could ruin our relationship, just be open with me etc. But they always end up making the mistakes that I thought they would anyway. Just so disappointing.

I'm glad I'm in a place at the moment where I'm enjoying being by myself again; it feels like the best thing on earth. But I know that I will need to get back out there again. And then the whole cycle begins again... sigh.

But, I think that to have loved is to have lived. I don't see the point of a life without deep, intimate relationships.

No human is perfect. I believe even the most kindest and and selfless person will have their moments of selfishness and mean thoughts; it's unfortunately human nature. But the important thing is that once we acknowledge that we have those feelings is when we have to catch and remind ourselves that we are better than our negative thoughts. It's a gradual process. Everyone struggles to keep a positive and kind face, but as long as we try and put some work in being good human beings and be kind to others, then that is more than good enough.

Thank you for this; it really made me think and I will keep a space in my heart for such a person. I too believe that we are prone to make mistakes, and that it is what we do after making those mistakes that define us.

I always feel guilty for having negative feelings. But I recently realised that feelings are more like messengers rather than leaders. They help us understand what is happening, and it is up to us to make the desc ion based upon those messages.

I wish you continued strength and hope you find a person that makes you feel all those things you wrote about and more.

 

[Cookie]

I didn't have any issues with insecurities or low self-esteem till I hit about 9, when I started getting bullied in school. After getting called a "dyke" by an actual (I don't like the word but it has to be said) "Dyke" I decided to "fake it till I make it" I dressed girly and sexy and showed off my hourglass body shape only to get bullied more. I internalized everything and started fighting back but I still felt the things they said and things my horrible sister would say we're true. I got really depressed in highschool and gained a good 40+ pounds in the last two years of school. But I still faked it. Everyone thought I was this sexy mysterious intimidating chick. And in reality I was sitting there digging my nails into my skin to the point of drawing blood to stop my brain from thinking the fucked up shit it tells me is wrong with me. After I graduated I started reading self-help books for the multitude of things that was/is wrong with me. And I eventually dealt with alot of my issues and healed myself. Then I got into an abusive relationship with a horrible guy. All that hard work I did, all the building back up, he tore it down in the first 3 months of us dating. He tore me away from my friend's and family and did damage I wouldn't wish on anyone. I got out before it got to physically bad but the emotional damage was done. The next guy wasn't much better and just concreted the "your not skinny enough, pretty enough, asain enough, edgy enough, just enough" only in getting with my current ENTP who was a close friend in highschool, and is my best friend now, do i have good days again. And I have more good than bad. But the bad ones still creep up. But hey I'm a fake it till you make it girl. If I wasn't I'd go back to doing the unhealthy habits that only backfire in a few months. The fact is, you gotta try to love yourself, it's hard but it gets easier over time.

 

[origamipuzzleboxes]

For me what helps is practice and experience, being understood, and finding places where I can be understood. And speaking slower and more thoughtfully. And doing good, however you define that. And being armed with information. And above all understanding and being as moral and ethical ad you can be (which I know falls short of what you think you should be able to be, but is still a good deal more moral than the vast amount of society!). And just, if you have a concept for a way to do good, talk to people about it and just start it. No sense in waiting. It'll come. (Others see you as an inspiration when you talk passionately to them about just about anything. And this feels really weird, but also secretly really good).

 

[barbad0s]

Your mom is not critical because she’s an ESTJ. She’s critical because she’s an asshole.

Similarly, your problems cannot be explained away by identifying as an INFJ. You may temporarily feel a bit better, but you need to focus on addressing the actual problems and remove them, not try to “explain” them, ponder, dwell and wallow in your depression even more. It may be dangerous to identify with your current dismal state as being your basic personality. And that’s why I haven’t been able to stand looking at these forums for years.