Do you expect too much or too little?

Passion Incarnate said:
This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. It turns out, I expect a lot! I have always thought of myself as accepting of everyone, but then I realized, I only pursue certain types of men (or in other words, I only see there being a chance with certain types and don't really try as hard to make other relationships work). Anyway, I expect that the guy I'm with be logical (someone I can depend on to keep me from getting too emotional), like to go out and do things (bring out the extroverted side of me), be able to make me laugh, be a good person with similar morals, genuinely care about me, be relaxed (in order to keep me at low stress levels), be confident, know who they are/what they stand for, and be a good listener who values my opinion. Basically, an ENTP. If he doesn't have these qualities... well, I don't really expect it to work, and I'm not really happy in the relationship. I refuse to settle for less than what will make me happy. Is that a bad thing...? I expect a lot out of myself in a relationship... I usually feel inadequate and like I am lucky to have them. If I think the relationship will go somewhere, I give it my all and I am very loyal.

Balance? Basically, because I expect a heck of a lot out of myself and feel like I'm never good enough, the way I get balance is making myself relax and believe that I am good enough for them. BEFORE a relationship when I'm dating different guys, I find balance by trying not to judge guys before I know what they are like, and trying to be open-minded in visualizing possibilities of a relationship with them.

I think as long as both me and my guy are giving our all and our personalities match up, we should be satisfied with the relationship. We can grow together and become even better for each other as we do so.
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Read my mind . . . well.
 
I've been programmed to believe that I expect too much lately. If you're single and over 30 (not by much dammit!!) you're standards must be unrealistic right? All my ex girlfriends tell me I'll always be single because of this. My friends and even my mom does too. I'm starting to believe this.

All I want is some intellectual stimulation from the girl that I'll be spending and devoting my life to (and of course compatible chemistry).

Is that really too much to ask? I've rarely discussed anything more complicated than a tennis ball with the women I've been with. And my standards are too high for leaving them?

TENNIS BALLS FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!
 
Atlas said:
I've been programmed to believe that I expect too much lately. If you're single and over 30 (not by much dammit!!) you're standards must be unrealistic right? All my ex girlfriends tell me I'll always be single because of this. My friends and even my mom does too. I'm starting to believe this.

All I want is some intellectual stimulation from the girl that I'll be spending and devoting my life to (and of course compatible chemistry).

Is that really too much to ask? I've rarely discussed anything more complicated than a tennis ball with the women I've been with. And my standards are too high for leaving them?

TENNIS BALLS FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!
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< divorced, single, 30+ here. I don't think I expect too much. Compassion, Commitment, Faithfulness, Love, some shared interests, mutual attraction, the ability to understand my emotional theories, a good sex drive...

Okay I expect a lot, but I don't think it's too much. :)
 
Solar Empath said:
< divorced, single, 30+ here. I don't think I expect too much. Compassion, Commitment, Faithfulness, Love, some shared interests, mutual attraction, the ability to understand my emotional theories, a good sex drive...

Okay I expect a lot, but I don't think it's too much. :)
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Umm . . . Well :m083:
 
Solar Empath said:
I wouldn't expect those things if I didn't think I deliver on those same points. I do. Why should I not expect the same in return?
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Not a criticism. I was just responding in good fun.

Your expectations are pretty normal and well-balanced.
 
Expectations (on other people) are pre-meditated resentments. One of my character flaws is having high expectations of other people, and I have found that it has hurt me. When im upset with someone it is usually because they haven't met my expectations of them, usually in terms of what I expected of the relationship. I have found that no one can meet anyone's expectations. Im trying to give myself a break as well, and just do my best.
 
Solar Empath said:
< divorced, single, 30+ here. I don't think I expect too much. Compassion, Commitment, Faithfulness, Love, some shared interests, mutual attraction, the ability to understand my emotional theories, a good sex drive...

Okay I expect a lot, but I don't think it's too much. :)
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These expectations don't seem high to me either. There are just so many crappy people in this world.

But then again, a relationship requires compromise and selflessness. You need to understand that someone is not always going to be at their best. Sometimes you will be hurt, you need to be strong enough yourself to look past that and continue your love. You need to be willing to comfort when you feel like they don't respect you (Which is never the case, but our illogical emotions make it seem that way) Relationships aren't sunshine and lollipops, that is for sure. In my opinion, it is about helping each other grow, and if you choose to have children, uniting to raise some damn good men and women.

So many people are obsessed with instant gratification and are so short sighted that they don't realize what is really important. I have been guilty of this myself so many times, I just have to attempt to recognize it more often.
 
Tally-wa said:
Expectations (on other people) are pre-meditated resentments. One of my character flaws is having high expectations of other people, and I have found that it has hurt me. When im upset with someone it is usually because they haven't met my expectations of them, usually in terms of what I expected of the relationship. I have found that no one can meet anyone's expectations. Im trying to give myself a break as well, and just do my best.
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LOVE IT!!!!!! It is all internal, this is what I have found too.
 
I put my hopes in the back of my mind. I frequently daydream about them, paint them, and what have you. I don't necessarily expect them to happen, but at the same time, I feel utterly disappointed when they don't. I think that's why I daydream so much. I'm smart enough to know not to test most of my ideals in the real world. My mind = kinetic molecular theory.

I have high expectations and then get angry with myself for expecting such things.

me: I really want such and such.
me: But you already have everything you need. house, food, clothing, technology...what more could you possibly want?
me: ...
me: Why can't you just be happy?
me: It's not that simple.


Now I sound completely insane, but that's alright.

That is my Fe and Ti fighting to the death. Not like anything is ever accomplished, though.
 
In some ways i expect too much. In others I expect too little.

1. I expect a partner to be serious and funny
2. I'd like them to be settled
3. I'd like them to be in a place where they don't feel they have anything to prove
4. I'd like them to be stronger than I am
5. I'd like them to be caring without being controlling
6. I'd like them to have similar interests as I do
7. I'd like someone I can grow with (not complacent)
8. I'd like someone who challenges me intellectually but respectfully
9. I'd like someone who can accept the person (and not the image or idea of them)
10.I'd like someone who can be tactfully honest without being overly critical or patronizing
11. I'd like someone who can be selfless without sacrificing their own needs
12. I'd like someone who can deal with my high sensitivity without being overly emotional or highly sensitive (I mean at least one of us has to be sane)
13. I'd like someone who's ambitious but balanced
14. I'd like someone who knows how to sit back and relax

Too much, huh? (Feel free to critique list)
 
TheDaringHatTrick said:
Hmm. You suddenly switched the bulk of your post from your own expectations to living up to someone else's and how they perceive you. Forgive the clinical questioning, but do you feel validation comes from outside or inside of the person? Which do you feel has more weight?

I get the feeling that there is a discrepancy between what you expect of yourself and what you subconsciously believe about yourself. I'm asking, because I have this very same issue.
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Sorry it took so long to respond to your question. Here goes:

1. Do you feel validation comes from outside or inside of the person?
- Good question. For most of my life, it was external, based on recognition and approval. It was about doing what was expected and meeting expectations.


2. Which do you feel has more weight?
- I'd love to say internal but things are never so simple. Growing up, based on the culture, what others thought was more important. It wasn't so much the individual but the collective culture which defined who you were. Everyone was pretty much held to the same expectations.

"There is a discrepancy between what you expect of yourself and what you subconsciously believe about yourself."

This is an interesting statement. There is a discrepancy but I'm not sure how to define it. It's a classic example of the self-fulfilling prophecy. My self-concept was often based on what i accomplished in current circumstances. I never thought of myself outside of the judgments, expectations, acceptance, tolerance, or rejection of others. Of course how others perceive me is very different from how i see myself.
 
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