I appreciate your response man, when you say did yourself in, did drugs play a role into that?! I was reading about my personality type and I have a tendancie to "Burn Out" easily because I'm a helper type, I help and help and help and don't focus on me and just burn out. Made me umderstand my past a little bit. I just thought ibwas fucking crazy! Lol
I wasn’t on any drugs other than the Paxil prescribed for depression.
I was born depressed.
Honestly, my youngest memories are some of my crying into my Mom’s lap and telling her that I hated myself, that I can’t be happy, that I didn’t understand why.
So it had already been a lifelong struggle up to that point...the fuckery of the Paxil I think pushed me over the edge.
I will not however, attempt it again.
The only checking out early I plan to do is under a euthanasia type situation where I have something terminal and am sparing myself and others pain and suffering.
I found productive outlets for being a “helper” also in the medical field.
I started out driving old folks in wheelchairs to appointments...then became an EMT, then a Paramedic, was briefly in the Coast Guard, worked in a Heart Hospital ER, then because a surgical scrub nurse and for the last 12 years did all types of surgery, the last 6 of which were mostly spent as first assist in the Open Heart suite.
Then the rheumatoid arthritis type I have called “Ankylosing Spondylitis”, where arthritis spread up through your hips and spine, fusing it as it goes, started to really flare up, and the insurance didn’t want to pay for the IV medication that would have stopped it because it was too expensive.
So now I’m disabled...I have constant chronic pain...which exacerbates depression and anxiety...but for the most part I have accepted it and have it mostly under control with medication and meditation.
INFJs can burn out easy if they are doing something that they don’t enjoy or give too much of themselves without taking that time out to recharge.
There is a good portion that just get more and more cynical as they get older...I’m purposefully trying to not do that.
Glad to hear you made it through....glad to hear you are free of the drugs.
So you still have suicidal thoughts? I do, I think many people do...but I also know that I will not act on it again, I promised myself that a long time ago.