Does getting inside someone's heart and head scare you?

XPD154 said:
I can see how all that would happen and I appreciate the warning, but if you don't have love you have nothing and there is no greater love than a man laying down his life for his friends. I've made my choice. I'll risk all that for him. It's worth the danger to me.
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I though you might say that :D. I think most INFJs have had to find their limits the hard way when it comes to unbounded love - I certainly did. The trouble is that we INFJs have inner emotional cliff edges in the dark that we only discover sometimes by falling off them - and our resulting emotional crisis can hurt our loved one really badly as well as ourselves. It's one thing to give up our lives for another, but quite another to lose our emotional stability and clear thinking. Sometimes, as well, part of the risk is that we need to be needed, and we can become dependent on the existence of the other's problems, which can perpetuate them.

We love them better by making sure we are healthy in mind and soul even if this means we don't let them right into our inner core. I'm not saying don't love as much, but it's important to love well. That means taking care of yourself too so that you can continue to love.
 
John K said:
I though you might say that :D. I think most INFJs have had to find their limits the hard way when it comes to unbounded love - I certainly did. The trouble is that we INFJs have inner emotional cliff edges in the dark that we only discover sometimes by falling off them - and our resulting emotional crisis can hurt our loved one really badly as well as ourselves. It's one thing to give up our lives for another, but quite another to lose our emotional stability and clear thinking. Sometimes, as well, part of the risk is that we need to be needed, and we can become dependent on the existence of the other's problems, which can perpetuate them.

We love them better by making sure we are healthy in mind and soul even if this means we don't let them right into our inner core. I'm not saying don't love as much, but it's important to love well. That means taking care of yourself too so that you can continue to love.
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You're right of course, but in the meantime I'm deep diving head first into his soul and I'll be literally doing it when I take him skydiving so I can bond with him doing manly, action based activities that he's interested in. Am I taking care of myself by jumping out of a perfectly good airplane? -no. It's dangerous and stupid, but it makes me feel alive and is the perfect metaphor for my situation. He may be the death of me, but at least I won't be bored or lonely.
 
John K said:
I though you might say that :D. I think most INFJs have had to find their limits the hard way when it comes to unbounded love - I certainly did. The trouble is that we INFJs have inner emotional cliff edges in the dark that we only discover sometimes by falling off them - and our resulting emotional crisis can hurt our loved one really badly as well as ourselves. It's one thing to give up our lives for another, but quite another to lose our emotional stability and clear thinking. Sometimes, as well, part of the risk is that we need to be needed, and we can become dependent on the existence of the other's problems, which can perpetuate them.

We love them better by making sure we are healthy in mind and soul even if this means we don't let them right into our inner core. I'm not saying don't love as much, but it's important to love well. That means taking care of yourself too so that you can continue to love.
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I couldn't agree more. It took me a good deal of growth before I could identify the pitfalls of idealistic INFJ love. To me, it was essential to discover that it is unfair to bring the expectations of an INFJ to the relationship table because most other types are incapable of reciprocating what we deliver. This creates frustration and disappointment in the INFJ, hence the dark cliffs. I have to say that it's not fair that we have this built-in tragedy BUT equally and more importantly [IMO], this shouldn't be pushed onto other people (most people) who are incapable of understanding or processing it. When we are young it is impossible to see this but as we grow and reflect on the past it starts to become quite clear. When young, we just want to feel better and so caution is thrown to the wind - often because desires and needs were not met in childhood.

There are good lessons to be learned here but I suspect that sometimes a steak is just too tempting when placed at the feet of a wolf / coyote / bear...
 
TomasM said:
To me, it was essential to discover that it is unfair to bring the expectations of an INFJ to the relationship table
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Not that they can be avoided entirely, but I find life more enjoyable absent expectations, and particularly so in relationships of all kinds.

Cheers,
Ian
 
aeon said:
Not that they can be avoided entirely, but I find life more enjoyable absent expectations, and particularly so in relationships of all kinds.

Cheers,
Ian
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When we are young, I think these are unconscious expectations and more related to emotional connecting than tangible. Ultimately, all relationships have expectations because time is limited in this life and we have to choose where and how each moment is spent or engaged. The closest I have found that doesn't include expectations [from my experience] is from parent to child (this is where it comes full circle for the INFJ and NF's).
 
TomasM said:
I suspect that sometimes a steak is just too tempting when placed at the feet of a wolf / coyote / bear...
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Everything is tempting when you're a coyote, nothing is in-edible
 
TomasM said:
The closest I have found that doesn't include expectations [from my experience] is from parent to child (this is where it comes full circle for the INFJ and NF's).
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@TomasM , the Fortunate Son.

Best,
Ian
 
Wyote said:
Everything is tempting when you're a coyote, nothing is in-edible
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Yeah, I threw that one in for you. Thought you might get a kick out of it.
aeon said:
@TomasM , the Fortunate Son.
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Good song. It's hard to keep things in perspective but we all do the best we can with what was given at ground zero. I think all NF's struggle with this, myself included. Fortunate is not a word that comes to mind during reflection - adversity and pressure seem more relatable.
 
Guys, I get it. I do. But:
I can't help how I feel. I know y'all can understand and sense that. I understand I'm not going to get everything I need or want from most of my relationships in life. I learned that long ago from relatives. I want to make those sacrifices for him. I want to use him as spiritual exercise to help me be less selfish. I'm really glad y'all are using intuition to protect younger, starry eyed INFJ's. Again, I can't help it. It's just the way my character is written this season - if you will.

Honestly, I just wish I had a girlfriend I felt this strongly about too. Talk about not getting everything you need, am I right? Lol
 
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