Early stage dating INFJ

ClevelandINTP said:
So I do think she’s a cluster B, and she’s even mentioned as much. She didn’t disclose her MBTI, but there was enough evidence and experience on my end to put her there...

Scientist, sapiosexual, ends up dating people who are eccentric and have gone through hell and back, very sensitive, very reclusive, charasmatic, complex irrational emotions, has been described by others as “nice, smart, crazy”, used to others (and sensitive to) other people looking at her like she’s crazy, a hippie and nerd at heart, can pick up any small detail, dramatic and romantic, indirect with a fiery passion underneath, a dom/sub so she’s controlling, constantly in tune with the social part of things, giving me feedback and pushing me to be better, and I’m not sure what else that is other than an INFJ.

I don’t think she was interviewing others, and she was only talking to me. Which is why I think she was upset that was my approach, but honestly, that happened after she broke it off. She wanted to be the one, and only, and I am fairly confident that’s what she was doing. Her telling me she liked me was only after she broke it off and came back. I think at that point it was fair for her to express her feelings especially because how would I know her motivations for coming back.

The push/pull thing is annoying. This person has commitment issues and things from the past that cause it. They are nice and just want to protect themselves more than anything. They want to be secured, loved.

It’s been quiet on both ends. I do want to connect with her over this whole thing. We have so much connection to other things, it’s not just personality and how she makes me feel. We went to the same college, go to the same church, study and work on similar things, have the same ethnic background. And we crossed paths in a random place that we are in now. I know these are coincidences, but they happen to be a lot and they are deeply rooted soul type coincidences. I do love her. So I have no idea how to get back to that point now unfortunately. Sucks
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If she said she was a cluster B...beli bel her and walk away. It's going to be difficult. When she sees you doing this she will move heaven and Earth to get back. Then she'll drop you.

It's trauma bonding. A total nightmare. You owe yourself much much more from life and relationships.
 
Skrimpshidy said:
If she said she was a cluster B...beli bel her and walk away. It's going to be difficult. When she sees you doing this she will move heaven and Earth to get back. Then she'll drop you.

It's trauma bonding. A total nightmare. You owe yourself much much more from life and relationships.
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*Believe (typing on a busted phone.)
 
ClevelandINTP said:
I believe her. She’s schizoid, so I guess that’s cluster A. So very antisocial and avoidant
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ClevelandINTP said:
I believe her. She’s schizoid, so I guess that’s cluster A. So very antisocial and avoidant
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That's still a very dark path to travel. I've been there more than once. One even went so far as to put me in jail on accusations of abuse. That's 5 months or my life gone. Everything I just rebuilt gone. I'm only left with scars on my face and head.

See what I"m getting at. I know you want something with her. They can be captivating. That's their job. And you will feel compassion and use your natural desire to help the hurting. Eventually you will equate this with love. That's when she'll drag you into the abyss. Once you get there. It's going to be nearly impossible to tell where you end and she begins.

The journey out of that pit will be long and hard. It will take a long time to stop feeling her darkness and return to your light.
 
Hey!

Looking for some insight if there is any saving a strong connection. Started seeing an INFJ, and we hit it off, and might have been on the verge of dating. As what usually happens in the day in age of online dating, when you get to that point, it’s a gut check and all the doubts happen because no one actually thinks you could find such a great connection. This one was one of a kind, real unique, beyond just the INFJ thing.

So we get to that point and things got a little strange. I fell for her hard early. I don’t normally do this but it just happened, so I know I gave off that vibe which was a turn off I’m sure. She overlooked it, so much so that she went on Tinder to see if I was there. We met on Bumble and I actually deleted that just not Tinder because I really don’t date people there. She didn’t address the problem with me directly but I could tell it was an issue. We went on 3 dates, I mean, cmon, but we had high hopes.

Long story short: confusion and doubt crept in and she ended things. I played it off and accepted and didn’t contact her. It sucked, it felt like an actual breakup. She came back a week later asking if we could hang out again. By this time, I had already started seeing a few others. She said she liked me, etc. I was still real guarded because we just met and you’re pulling this stuff. So then the holidays came and we got separated geographically. She was in NY with family and I was in Ohio.

We didn’t talk much and I got real sick. When we finally did she happened to be at a place I’d really like and I told her that. I was still really being distant though as I was sort of upset still. She went and bought me a gift.

The next day she texts asking how I am and that she bought me a gift. I didn’t respond until the next day, and when I did it wasn’t the best. I got no response back, so she was pissed. We texted a bit since, but I think she’s picked up I’ve been seeing some other people. Honestly, it’s only a few people I met during her week of silence.

So now, we’ve texted a little but she’s being brief and matter of fact and now she’s gone so far as to not answer my last basic how are you text. I’ve dated an INFJ long term before, and what irritated me during the process was feeling like I needed to walk on eggshells. In other words, I didn’t feel quite like myself. So this time I thought I’d try something different. I’ve been a little more blunt and aloof.

Wondering if I should just leave her alone or be direct and ask her to address the elephant in the room. What are your thoughts?
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Hey, you know, I had almost the same situation, when I was texting with a girl via dating site and you know, she was interested in me, but, after 2 weeks of intensive communication, she simply disappeared, and, a month later she answered, she doesn't want to communicate with me anymore, because I'm not confident in myself and I'm too childish in communication with girls and sent me the site with tips on how to communicate with Irish mail order brides... As she said, the tips from that site are universal and will let me learn how to behave with girls... I've never been so humiliated. However, frankly speaking, the tips really helped to understand women better
 
LForward1 said:
Hey, you know, I had almost the same situation, when I was texting with a girl via dating site and you know, she was interested in me, but, after 2 weeks of intensive communication, she simply disappeared, and, a month later she answered, she doesn't want to communicate with me anymore, because I'm not confident in myself and I'm too childish in communication with girls and sent me the site with tips on how to communicate with Irish mail order brides... As she said, the tips from that site are universal and will let me learn how to behave with girls... I've never been so humiliated. However, frankly speaking, the tips really helped to understand women better
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Wut?
 
Update: I've really missed this person. We haven't spoken in about 8 months. I am moving to a new city for a new job next week, so I thought no harm in reaching out to smooth this out "hey, old friend" style

Turns out she moved three months ago

But

She moved closer to where I'll be

So going to turn this "hey, old friend" into a "what's good, girl"
 
Too late response, but maybe she likes you and sees it as potential, like, willing to commit but she's also uncertain and not ready at the same time so wants to keep it slow and steady?

did I understand it correctly that she saw you still on tinder? --might've sucked to see a potential still going around.. hence, the avoidance to think clear and not let her emotions get the best of her.. then came back wanting to try it out again coz likes you that much but then you went around seeing others-- which made her doubts proven..

I understand her push and pull is annoying af. But I guess it's hard to be blunt and address an elephant in the room when you feel like walking on eggshells and she's too sensitive to take it.

I'm sorry for what happened.
 
Bellosome said:
Too late response, but maybe she likes you and sees it as potential, like, willing to commit but she's also uncertain and not ready at the same time so wants to keep it slow and steady?

did I understand it correctly that she saw you still on tinder? --might've sucked to see a potential still going around.. hence, the avoidance to think clear and not let her emotions get the best of her.. then came back wanting to try it out again coz likes you that much but then you went around seeing others-- which made her doubts proven..

I understand her push and pull is annoying af. But I guess it's hard to be blunt and address an elephant in the room when you feel like walking on eggshells and she's too sensitive to take it.

I'm sorry for what happened.
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Yeah, basic summary. I was on Bumble/Tinder. I only used Bumble, though. In fact, I deleted Bumble to focus on her, but I didn't delete Tinder. Weird, I know. Then she saw me on Tinder and assumed the worst and broke it off (without asking me directly.) Which then I would have said I deleted Bumble because I liked you

Then I used Tinder afterwards because I didn't want to make a new Bumble account, and she probably assumed she was right.

But, she was wrong. I mean, at that point, she broke it off, so logically I was free

So a big mess caused over nothing. In fact, if I wasn't so head over heels, it would have worked out. And it's funny because I am basically moving 8 hours, but somehow I am now much closer to her. We crossed paths before, too. Weird history us two
 
sounds like she isn't really into you, or just not into being with anyone. but honestly, this on and off internet sites for interacting with people you might want to get serious with sounds like a bad idea to me
 
Aneirin said:
sounds like she isn't really into you, or just not into being with anyone. but honestly, this on and off internet sites for interacting with people you might want to get serious with sounds like a bad idea to me
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yeah, i ain't deleting shit until a commitment next time. actually, even better, i am only picking up women in person out in the wild from now on
 
and i would agree with you except she bought me a present. do all INFJ women buy presents after raging out on people whether they want to date them or not?
 
ClevelandINTP said:
Yeah, basic summary. I was on Bumble/Tinder. I only used Bumble, though. In fact, I deleted Bumble to focus on her, but I didn't delete Tinder. Weird, I know. Then she saw me on Tinder and assumed the worst and broke it off (without asking me directly.) Which then I would have said I deleted Bumble because I liked you

Then I used Tinder afterwards because I didn't want to make a new Bumble account, and she probably assumed she was right.

But, she was wrong. I mean, at that point, she broke it off, so logically I was free

So a big mess caused over nothing. In fact, if I wasn't so head over heels, it would have worked out. And it's funny because I am basically moving 8 hours, but somehow I am now much closer to her. We crossed paths before, too. Weird history us two
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Yes. I agree that it would've been solved easily if she was just honest and said how she felt or thought. But I guess she felt shame and guilt for assuming the worst? And then I guess you felt like walking on eggshells and thought she couldn't handle confrontation? Maybe she couldn't, but you know.. sometimes people need to be confronted but also reassured that it's to progress and move forward rather than confrontation to say who is right or wrong.

Anyway, I don't think she's ready. If something this easy she already avoids, I don't think she'll be able to handle it if it went on longer and if the relationship got deeper. But who knows. Life can be tricky. It's good you're handling this well though.

Goodluck in whatever happens. :)
 
Bellosome said:
Yes. I agree that it would've been solved easily if she was just honest and said how she felt or thought. But I guess she felt shame and guilt for assuming the worst? And then I guess you felt like walking on eggshells and thought she couldn't handle confrontation? Maybe she couldn't, but you know.. sometimes people need to be confronted but also reassured that it's to progress and move forward rather than confrontation to say who is right or wrong.

Anyway, I don't think she's ready. If something this easy she already avoids, I don't think she'll be able to handle it if it went on longer and if the relationship got deeper. But who knows. Life can be tricky. It's good you're handling this well though.

Goodluck in whatever happens. :)
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I originally assumed she just came to her senses, and we didn't hash it out properly. this happened right before christmas, too, so we got separated for a few weeks geographically which added some complexity. i tried to talk to her twice about it, but she was being distant and dismissive

Thanks for the words of encouragement! You're right: life can be tricky
 
@ClevelandINTP

The cold-hearted son of a bitch in me thinks you should just ignore her and focus on making money. Those lovey-dovey feelings are going to come up, especially when you're drunk, but you've got to hide your love away. Otherwise, you're losing so much time.

Beautiful women come and go like the seasons but wealth is the fortress made of stone. Fight this war with yourself and win.

I'm sorry.
 
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