ENFP got rejected by INFJ-what is he thinking?

CuriousENFP said:
He was the one who offered to meet up for lunch/tea etc. So afterwards, I asked him where was he going, and he said the bookstore. So i accompanied him to the bookstore, for a while, because I had to collect my hamster's birthday cake later on. But when I got to the bookstore I was super shy soo I said lets go to our own sections><(I think he was trying to reach out to me in the bookstore but I was soooo shy) Well, afterwards I asked him a lot of questions(through the messaging app) and his responses started getting less and less enthusiastic. He didn't ask much about me. Then his replies got more sporadic. But still I bit the bullet and kind of hinted that I liked him. Saying he is intriguing etc. Asking about whether he has dated before(before his reply became so unenthusiastic). Then I asked to meet a second time and he was like "nah, I am not into you." I think he also read my other posts about narcissism(wanting to marry an introvert with many friends/extrovert so that I would have loads of people to invite to my wedding) and before I met him, I couldn't understand why would anyone need a girlfriend/boyfriend in their life. I said that about another friend-who was upset that he couldn't get a gf. I was also late><so he went to the library to chill before meeting up with me.
Before meeting him, I was quite unenthusiastic about meeting him. After meeting him in person, then I felt myself liking him more and more.
I am an immature ENFP><:m015:so i guess my behaviour was really childish....:m096::m096::m095:
The second time(I asked him out) I wanted to make amends for the first meeting.....since I read that he values quality time....omg><
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Oh, okay! Thank you for the additional context! So I think that most men—regardless of personality type—really want to be the one to “chase” on a biological level. Maybe you came on too strong, too fast so he pulled away. As an INFJ, I love having deep, meaningful conversations. I will even answer deeply personal questions when asked, but I don’t like it when I feel that someone is going all in right away! Perhaps that added to it, for him?
 
As a fellow male INFJ, I'll try and explain this from his perspective.
First off let me explain it from the view as a man.
Women seem very unaware of how we navigate the convoluted realm that is dating.
The biggest misperception women make about us is that we're nonchalant and/or unaware. In fact, we are extremely aware and see red and green flags just as well as women. And as an INFJ, those insights are magnified greatly. It's difficult for other non NiFe's to understand the depth of what we see in others, since Ni is a subconscious process in every not Ni dom typing. And for us, it can be difficult to put into words as well, which is why we usually process/receive that info in "feelings."
So now I'll try and explain to you how exactly you made him feel. Know that some of this may come off as somewhat harsh, but you're 100% ok and your experience is 100% normal and not out of the ordinary for shy/nervous people in the dating world. I know, because I'm very shy and nervous around others in similar situations,
First of all, he would have gotten a bad feeling about you. The reason is because of your behavior. You seemed very disorganized, unsure of what you wanted, and generally frantic, awkward, creepy, unsettling, and the age old term "crazy." Imagine it from his shoes. Some woman wanted to meet up with you, and was suspicious of you and thought you were pretending to be someone else because of you happened to share the same age and location. That's crazy and will be a huge red flag off the start. And you would have likely shown a small combination of behavior and/or conversation that would allow him, as an INFJ, to put together the image of why you were suspicious of him. Basically, he would be aware that you were suspicious of him and exactly why you were. That would likely be very off-putting, but he'd be willing to brush it off.
Second of all, you asked to spend time with him somewhere, yet when you got there, told him you didn't want to spend time with him. What? At this point he probably understands you were shy and nervous, but most likely made his decision to not spend time with you anymore. You likely exhibited very awkward and generally creepy behavior that would scare anyone away, regardless of personality type.

My advice is to take a step back and view your behavior from the outside. What would you feel if someone behaved that way around you? Empathize.

Then know that this was a one time blunder, and in no way affects you now or in the future, so don't let it stay in your head. We all have our embarrassing moments, and they last as long as they occur. After that, we can let go as it does not affect us anymore. This is no different. My advice for you is not to let fear rule your decisions -- that's a personal lesson I've had the displeasure of learning myself.
 
Truth Eternity said:
As a fellow male INFJ, I'll try and explain this from his perspective.
First off let me explain it from the view as a man.
Women seem very unaware of how we navigate the convoluted realm that is dating.
The biggest misperception women make about us is that we're nonchalant and/or unaware. In fact, we are extremely aware and see red and green flags just as well as women. And as an INFJ, those insights are magnified greatly. It's difficult for other non NiFe's to understand the depth of what we see in others, since Ni is a subconscious process in every not Ni dom typing. And for us, it can be difficult to put into words as well, which is why we usually process/receive that info in "feelings."
So now I'll try and explain to you how exactly you made him feel. Know that some of this may come off as somewhat harsh, but you're 100% ok and your experience is 100% normal and not out of the ordinary for shy/nervous people in the dating world. I know, because I'm very shy and nervous around others in similar situations,
First of all, he would have gotten a bad feeling about you. The reason is because of your behavior. You seemed very disorganized, unsure of what you wanted, and generally frantic, awkward, creepy, unsettling, and the age old term "crazy." Imagine it from his shoes. Some woman wanted to meet up with you, and was suspicious of you and thought you were pretending to be someone else because of you happened to share the same age and location. That's crazy and will be a huge red flag off the start. And you would have likely shown a small combination of behavior and/or conversation that would allow him, as an INFJ, to put together the image of why you were suspicious of him. Basically, he would be aware that you were suspicious of him and exactly why you were. That would likely be very off-putting, but he'd be willing to brush it off.
Second of all, you asked to spend time with him somewhere, yet when you got there, told him you didn't want to spend time with him. What? At this point he probably understands you were shy and nervous, but most likely made his decision to not spend time with you anymore. You likely exhibited very awkward and generally creepy behavior that would scare anyone away, regardless of personality type.

My advice is to take a step back and view your behavior from the outside. What would you feel if someone behaved that way around you? Empathize.

Then know that this was a one time blunder, and in no way affects you now or in the future, so don't let it stay in your head. We all have our embarrassing moments, and they last as long as they occur. After that, we can let go as it does not affect us anymore. This is no different. My advice for you is not to let fear rule your decisions -- that's a personal lesson I've had the displeasure of learning myself.
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U mean the bookstore?("Second of all, you asked to spend time with him somewhere, yet when you got there...") True. I realise the things I shouldn't do are: overshare too much, show too much suspicion.....be too needy or clingy. I also think he saw some of my other posts in the forum. i posted in the narcissistic personality forum-because I have some traits. And being raised by a narc, probably that's a red flag for him probably.(It's actually Reddit)
He changed his Telegram username, and his number is visible on Telegram. i decided to delete my telegram account because otherwise the urge to contact him would be too great. Now hopefully one less way I can contact him.
 
i keep trying to edit my post to add more stuff but its past the 5 minute mark: I realised I have violated some social norms with others inevitably, like a few couple of other people i met, didn't keep in touch. Thinking back, I may have overshared too much or I appeared too crazy. I probably suck really bad at social skills...seriously. I also have traits of histronic personality disorder.
 
CuriousENFP said:
i keep trying to edit my post to add more stuff but its past the 5 minute mark: I realised I have violated some social norms with others inevitably, like a few couple of other people i met, didn't keep in touch. Thinking back, I may have overshared too much or I appeared too crazy. I probably suck really bad at social skills...seriously. I also have traits of histronic personality disorder.
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Are you self diagnosing or have you been officially clinically assessed by a professional?
 
CuriousENFP said:
I asked my pdoc and he said I do have some traits.
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So this doesn't sound like a diagnosis though you have to be assessed and fill out paperwork it's an entire process.

The reason I'm bringing this up is that it's really easy when you have anxiety to try to self diagnose yourself with all of this stuff but the reality is that most people have some traits of everything and when we try to self assess ourselves we can often overdo it and stress ourselves out. I do it all the time.

It's just not helpful, you know? Can get us in some dark dark places
 
slant said:
So this doesn't sound like a diagnosis though you have to be assessed and fill out paperwork it's an entire process.

The reason I'm bringing this up is that it's really easy when you have anxiety to try to self diagnose yourself with all of this stuff but the reality is that most people have some traits of everything and when we try to self assess ourselves we can often overdo it and stress ourselves out. I do it all the time.

It's just not helpful, you know? Can get us in some dark dark places
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I am a pretty self-aware person and the pdoc wanted to schedule a personality test but its 400 bucks so its out of my budget. I have met a couple of people with borderline personality disorder, and most, if not all, were insufferable to befriend, once I got close to them. They always yearn for close relationships. I don't know-I really lack trust in people, because I have been raised by an overly-anxious critical parent, who is always about the what-ifs. ("What if u get raped if u go clubbing?" "If you take this major, you might fail." "Nothing will come out of singing lessons". "Don't hang out with this girl cause you may suffer the same fate." "You are getting fatter." "You are flat chested and you can't fill out this dress".) She asked for the numbers of friends when I was hanging out with them-and wanted to know who exactly I was hanging out with. I think my mum is a weird mix of helicopter parenting, authoritarian parenting, borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. She has gone ballistic a few times and projected her anger and anxieties on me. The other time, I went to arranged to meet an internet guy friend who stayed over at my house. So he went to work in a new country for a while, and invited us there. "What if he kidnaps us and leaves us in a forest/kills us." When we were overseas and we were walking around without a tour guide, we kind of lost our way a few times and used Google maps. She got mad that the google maps interface kept spinning. (Some of them recent interactions btw)
Now I get anxious when meeting new people: What if they are carrying drugs?/What if they spike my drink?/What if they are masquerading as someone I know and I am actively avoiding?
I have been going low-contact with her because she never apologizes, and if she apologizes, her apologies are always half-assed and insincere. And I was supposed to count myself lucky that other people had it worse-that my cousin was locked in the toilet and being slapped repeatedly by her mum. It has done irreparable damage to my psyche, and sadly, the childhood years are the formative years of our lives.
 
CuriousENFP said:
I am a pretty self-aware person and the pdoc wanted to schedule a personality test but its 400 bucks so its out of my budget. I have met a couple of people with borderline personality disorder, and most, if not all, were insufferable to befriend, once I got close to them. They always yearn for close relationships. I don't know-I really lack trust in people, because I have been raised by an overly-anxious critical parent, who is always about the what-ifs. ("What if u get raped if u go clubbing?" "If you take this major, you might fail." "Nothing will come out of singing lessons". "Don't hang out with this girl cause you may suffer the same fate." "You are getting fatter." "You are flat chested and you can't fill out this dress".) She asked for the numbers of friends when I was hanging out with them-and wanted to know who exactly I was hanging out with. I think my mum is a weird mix of helicopter parenting, authoritarian parenting, borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. She has gone ballistic a few times and projected her anger and anxieties on me. The other time, I went to arranged to meet an internet guy friend who stayed over at my house. So he went to work in a new country for a while, and invited us there. "What if he kidnaps us and leaves us in a forest/kills us." When we were overseas and we were walking around without a tour guide, we kind of lost our way a few times and used Google maps. She got mad that the google maps interface kept spinning. (Some of them recent interactions btw)
Now I get anxious when meeting new people: What if they are carrying drugs?/What if they spike my drink?/What if they are masquerading as someone I know and I am actively avoiding?
I have been going low-contact with her because she never apologizes, and if she apologizes, her apologies are always half-assed and insincere. And I was supposed to count myself lucky that other people had it worse-that my cousin was locked in the toilet and being slapped repeatedly by her mum. It has done irreparable damage to my psyche, and sadly, the childhood years are the formative years of our lives.
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I relate to this, I had a similar upbringing. It does create a tendency to have anxious reactions and it is no fun. What happens in our childhood often impacts the development of our brain and I'm sorry you've had to go through that but I'm glad that you are aware and coping the best you can.
 
I think all romantic feelings are gone now, at this point. I realise I was in love with a vision, a fantasy, a mirage. All the blinders are off. He explicitly said that he hates narcs and he has door slammed a few people who showed red flags. Being raised by narcissistic parents, that wouldn't surprise me any longer. I realise he has a zero-tolerance policy and there is just no point pursuing this matter further. And probably contacting me on reddit where I openly posted on the npd forum wasn't a good idea.
 
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