Ever cheated on your spouse?

[Matariki]

I agree that not rocking the boat for the 'sake of the children' is just about the worst thing you can do to both yourself and your children. As someone who comes from a divorced family it's not the big terrible crushing thing that people make out it is. Having parents living a lie or constantly at each other is. Do the adult thing here and resolve your relationship conflicts in the best possible way, that is a good role model for children and far more important to their emotional wellbeing than merely sticking together for the sake of it. If you can demonstrate good relationship skills for them, even if the relationship eventually ends, then you are doing them a truly great service.

I'm 50/50 on this.

Yes, to live out a lie is far more painful in the long run then telling the truth. Once you know the truth you can decide your course actions and possibly come up with a solution to the problem at hand. My parents have been on the verge of divorce before, mostly to do with my mother, I no longer trust her as a parent. I'm not saying that the OP's children will have the same reaction but It will need to be expected especially if the children are close to the father. The only reasons my parents are still together was partly because of my fathers income and
the fact that Christianity plays a big part in our family, but I can tell already that our family is emotionally broken. The cracks are showing.
You cannot be selfish in a marriage, when you stop caring, shit happens.

To the OP, does your husband know about this or know about this other man?
The longer you leave it, the harder it will be to tell him and your children and the more painful the outcome will be. Treat the wounds while they are fresh.

 

[Stu]

Find a counselor for at least no other reason then your children deserve it. I may not have a spouse, but I come from a broken family that easily could have been saved if they just put effort into it.

This will hurt your children more then anyone else.

Be advised, there are a lot of folks on here that were minors less than five years ago. (if not right now). You are entitled to a full blown mid life crisis. You are the one most a risk to be hurt here, and have the most to gain.

The hardest part is to see clearly.

 

[Nevermore]

I'm 50/50 on this.

Yes, to live out a lie is far more painful in the long run then telling the truth.
You cannot be selfish in a marriage, when you stop caring, shit happens.

Just to clarify, I wasn't suggesting a divorce was the best course of action here. I was merely pointing out that keeping a relationship only because there are children involved would be a poor choice.

 

[Matariki]

Just to clarify, I wasn't suggesting a divorce was the best course of action here. I was merely pointing out that keeping a relationship only because there are children involved would be a poor choice.

Yes, I agree with this.
Thank you for correcting me, I am humbled by your response. Children are important but as you say, it shouldn't be the only thing that should hold a marriage together.

To the OP, I apologize if this too much of a personal question, I respect other peoples privacy.
My only interest in asking these questions is so people here may be able to give you further help.
May I ask when did you found yourself becoming emotionally detached from your husband?
Did anything change or happen when this started?

I believe that a possible answer to the problem could be residing in there.

 

[Tulip]

Everyone has a chance to fall in love with someone else other than their spouse if they allow themselves to be in that situation. Love is a feeling that comes and goes. Maintaining a long term relationship involves commitment, not just relying on feelings alone. You can always find people around you that are attractive at any stage of your life. You cannot stop a bird flying over your head, but you can stop them from building a nest on your head.

Love is something that needs to be cultivated, if you stop watering your husband's plant but instead continue to add water to your male friend's plant, it is inevitable that the plant of your husband will eventually wither while that of your male friend will grow and prosper.

This male friend of yours most likely has some qualities that you husband lacks of, that is probably why you find him attractive to you in the first place, and he is probably able to meet certain needs of yours that your husband is unable to fullfill.

Every coin has two sides. No one is perfect. We can always find flaws and faults in a person if we only choose to magnify the negative and disregard the positive. Your male friend may be able to satisfy some of your needs now, over time you would probably find there are other areas he may fall short of as your feelings to him wear off.

We would be very lucky if we could find one person who could meet all of our needs. In the real world, we will most likely have to have these other needs to be met by other means and other people such as family members, relatives, or a few close friends of the same sex, rather than expecting them to be all coming from your significant other.

 

[sunny]

Wow Tulip, thank you so much for that insightful advice! That is basically what I've told myself throughout my marriage. I don't know if it's midlife or what but I just feel tired and frustrated with the way things are. I sometimes feel we are so incompatible. We don't share many similar interests and I wish we did because there are so many things I do with friends and relatives (camping, hiking, dancing, taking the kids places)that I'd much rather do with him, but he has no interest. He has always been a loner (INFP) and spends most of his time on his own interests. No matter what we try that's just the way he is. Your right that my male friend has qualities that my husband lacks and meets needs that my husband doesn't. That's why I'm having a hard time breaking up our relationship.

 

[Fallen_Adalia]

I'm curious, how come you never felt that way with your husband? Is there anything he could have done to connect with you, or make you feel how this other man made you feel?

What did this other man do to make you feel this way?

Are you perhaps in your shadow?

Do you know your husbands type, if so do you understand their type? If not what efforts have you made to understand his type, or your own?

I would suggest like everyone else that you see a professional, it might help. Still sometimes I note that a lot of issues happen when people don't understand each other. We all have different needs and each type shows deep affection differently. Connections can happen between any two people who understand and respect one another.

Sometimes more temporary connections are based off of temporary but mutual needs or desires, but those in my short experience have rarely ever been something special.

Anyway I suggest you try marriage counseling before you do anything like divorce.