Extraverted husband in social settings

[LearningSelfishness]

I am an INFJ with an extraverted husband. We generally have a great balance in our relationship but there are a few things that tend to bother me about the dynamic...

Being extraverted, he has the capacity to talk a whole lot. Usually because he just naturally enjoys talking and being in the spotlight but sometimes also because he can't stand silence and gets really uncomfortable.

When we are in a social setting he tends to become the centre of attention, talking about anything and everything and just jumping from one topic to the next. He is also really agreeable and seems to suck up to other people. I think it's just his way of ensuring that he is liked by others. After a while of listening to his constant chatter (usually at the 90 minute point), I start to feel like a bit of an outsider. I find it hard to partake in conversations that are moving so quickly or are not particularly interesting so I get overwhelmed and have the intense desire to leave. Especially when it's already getting late. My husband though? He gets stuck in his talking and can't sense when it's time to go or when I have reached my limit of social interaction. He doesn't notice my subtle nudges towards the door. Just keeps on talking about absolute crap. By the time I get home, I am completely exhausted, annoyed and irritable and a bit down on myself. Occasionally it sparks an argument.

I know that feeling this way is natural for me as an INFJ, I just hate that I end up feeling frustrated towards my husband. I feel like a crappy wife. If I was more extraverted I wouldn't care, so I feel like it's really wrong of me to get annoyed at him...

Part of me also feels jealous of him in this sense. I see him in the spotlight, everyone saying how funny and great he is, making new friends so easily. Sometimes I wish I could be like him. As much as I'm trying to accept myself for who I am, it's just so hard sometimes.

 

[James]

I am an INFJ with an extraverted husband. We generally have a great balance in our relationship but there are a few things that tend to bother me about the dynamic...

Being extraverted, he has the capacity to talk a whole lot. Usually because he just naturally enjoys talking and being in the spotlight but sometimes also because he can't stand silence and gets really uncomfortable.

When we are in a social setting he tends to become the centre of attention, talking about anything and everything and just jumping from one topic to the next. He is also really agreeable and seems to suck up to other people. I think it's just his way of ensuring that he is liked by others. After a while of listening to his constant chatter (usually at the 90 minute point), I start to feel like a bit of an outsider. I find it hard to partake in conversations that are moving so quickly or are not particularly interesting so I get overwhelmed and have the intense desire to leave. Especially when it's already getting late. My husband though? He gets stuck in his talking and can't sense when it's time to go or when I have reached my limit of social interaction. He doesn't notice my subtle nudges towards the door. Just keeps on talking about absolute crap. By the time I get home, I am completely exhausted, annoyed and irritable and a bit down on myself. Occasionally it sparks an argument.

I know that feeling this way is natural for me as an INFJ, I just hate that I end up feeling frustrated towards my husband. I feel like a crappy wife. If I was more extraverted I wouldn't care, so I feel like it's really wrong of me to get annoyed at him...

Part of me also feels jealous of him in this sense. I see him in the spotlight, everyone saying how funny and great he is, making new friends so easily. Sometimes I wish I could be like him. As much as I'm trying to accept myself for who I am, it's just so hard sometimes.

I don't think it's unfair for you to ask him to consider your feelings about social interaction. It's not like you are asking him to stay home, and you are going along with him. I think if you talk to him, hopefully he will understand and pay more attention to your cues. If not maybe being more assertive about how you deliver those cues, or just outright telling him, "I think it's time to go". I think it's natural to feel a little jealous, if he's dominating the conversation too much.

Some extraverts really do hog the "microphone". As long as that's not the main reason you are feeling unhappy. I'd suggest gently talking to him about all of it. Being an introvert doesn't make you a "crappy wife". You're both in the marriage, so both of your feelings matter. You have every right to want to be happy.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

You're married, so this problem has limited solutions.
There is an imbalance in how you feel your worth is compared to his.
Balance it:

• Become something that makes you feel worth equal.
  
• Or come to a realization that you are not worth less. (confront him on how you feel)

 

[LearningSelfishness]

Thanks for your responses!

I am trying to build my own self-worth so I know this contributes to my problem. It's just hard when I'm in the moment (ie. Social event) to remember that I don't need to feel insecure for not being in the limelight or not being as captivating as others. I have that bad habit of comparing myself and thinking 'the grass is greener on the other side'.

I do talk to my husband about all of this and he selflessly tells me I should kick him in the shin or tell him to shut up if his talking is getting out of hand lol. I just don't feel like that is very nice and I don't want to hurt his feelings in front of our friends. I also don't want to make a scene! And I don't like to keep bringing it up with him making him feel guilty.

Ideally, I think I would like to just react better within myself when he is talking away... that way he can enjoy himself and I won't get emotional...

 

[Flavus Aquila]

Thanks for your responses!

I am trying to build my own self-worth so I know this contributes to my problem. It's just hard when I'm in the moment (ie. Social event) to remember that I don't need to feel insecure for not being in the limelight or not being as captivating as others. I have that bad habit of comparing myself and thinking 'the grass is greener on the other side'.

I do talk to my husband about all of this and he selflessly tells me I should kick him in the shin or tell him to shut up if his talking is getting out of hand lol. I just don't feel like that is very nice and I don't want to hurt his feelings in front of our friends. I also don't want to make a scene! And I don't like to keep bringing it up with him making him feel guilty.

Ideally, I think I would like to just react better within myself when he is talking away... that way he can enjoy himself and I won't get emotional...

Presuming that you don't spend hours every day at social events, he probably spends a lot of time out of his recharger.

He probably has strategies around the home to feel more at ease (noise). Perhaps you can have a similar strategy for social situations (quiet).

When I've been stuck at functions, I'll hang around quiet conversations a little, and go outside for a smoke (when I used to smoke).. or to read some stuff for a few minutes.

You've probably tried this kind of stuff, but perhaps what is lacking is greater ease and comfort with moving out of the lounge and into the study/kitchen/whatever... or away from the tables and towards the bar area.