Familial Estrangement

PintoBean

PintoBean

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Have any of you here coped with familial estrangement from one or more family members?

I was just reading a thread on reddit about this issue and it seems so many people have stories to explain this sad phenomena:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/17bhzn/people_who_have_cut_family_members_out_of_their/

I haven't spoken to my mother in over 2 years. She kicked me out of the family when I was 13. Actually sent me to live somewhere else far away with people I had never met before. This after some years of physical and emotional abuse. I tried for years (well into my 30s) to do everything have some semblance of connection with every member of my family, including her. I finally gave up a few years ago because I couldn't shake the lies told about me to my siblings and others. Or the dynamic of me being an outsider to the family. I felt I was a family ghost, that I needed to always be on defensive to prove I was not "bad," or deserving of being sent away. She never reached out to me once when I quietly stopped calling her some years ago. The pain became simply too immense for me, but I must say the silence is deafening too. I thought I would get some relief, but I continue to suffer bouts of sadness hen I think how totally alienated from my family of origin. If I saw a sibling or my mother walking down the street at this point, I would hide my face and run away. The pain continues to be deep and unremitting for me.

Have any of you dealt with familial estrangement? Why did it occur? How do you feel about it today? Any thoughts or insight appreciated. I would really value reading the experiences of others.
 
i cannot tolerate my father, he treated my mother and my sibling and me deplorably, i moved away with my mother when she divorced him and changed my legal name. he will never find me, i never want to see his face again in my life.
 
Yes, I deal with this as well, [MENTION=13730]PintoBean[/MENTION] and [MENTION=1814]invisible[/MENTION]. I am so sorry for you.
My mother threatened me when I was 13. She said she would send me to juvenile prison if I didn't do everything she said. Of course, I made sure out of fear and abuse that I did everything she said every day until I left for college to be free. It was the best day of my life because it was the first time I felt like I could live through this. It is a very sad situation but the knowledge that the one who caused the estrangement is mentally ill helps somewhat. It took years for me to realize that I did all I could but she was not capable of a healthy relationship. It is just sad that she is my mother.
 
I'm not close with my dad even today because of my (previous) stepmother. She used to bully me and I was only just a small child. :( She treated me in much different way than the other children... And I was too shy to tell to my dad. She was very clever and bullied me when my dad wasn't seeing anything. She always joked about me in such cold way and often I cried when I went to sleep... Because if I would cry even for little front of their eyes, they would shout to me and say all kinds of horrible words. It's such a long story. Just 2 years before dad and she divorced, I heard the first apology EVER from her after many YEARS. She started bullying me when she and dad started living together, so I was 6 years old and it took 9 years from her to say sorry... She finally admitted that she is a crazy person and far from normal human being. I just couldn't face it anymore and I couldn't stop crying, so she came to my room and started talking to me and being sorry of everything. I will never forgive her. I think she has some kind of serious personality disorder and needs help. Why an adult woman bullies a small child for many years?!
 
No one deserves that type of treatment; bullying, abuse, drama, etc. I am estranged from my entire family after a lifetime of abuse. My mother is a narcissist and my father a sociopath. You have to do what's best for you. Don't worry about the label of "family" or whatever that may mean. Every one needs to practice self-care and self-love and cut out anyone who doesn't give you the respect you deserve.

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My values are so far from family's that there is no more emotional connection anymore, even though I still live with them at home.

Why not broaden the definition of family, to include people who share the same values etc with you even though they may not be of the same blood as you? If you think about it, familiarity alone is not a good criteria for relationships. When we do not honour our true selves in a relationship, we disrespect and disempower the other person by not bringing authenticity and truth to the relationship. In that case it is better have to no relationship at all than the corpse of a half-rotting one.

In any case, didn't the Buddha find some like minded homies to meditate in the forest as well? He hobnobbed with them for the rest of his life instead of his birth family.
 
idiot12345 said:
My values are so far from family's that there is no more emotional connection anymore, even though I still live with them at home.

Why not broaden the definition of family, to include people who share the same values etc with you even though they may not be of the same blood as you? If you think about it, familiarity alone is not a good criteria for relationships. When we do not honour our true selves in a relationship, we disrespect and disempower the other person by not bringing authenticity and truth to the relationship. In that case it is better have to no relationship at all than the corpse of a half-rotting one.

In any case, didn't the Buddha find some like minded homies to meditate in the forest as well? He hobnobbed with them for the rest of his life instead of his birth family.
Click to expand...

Family is whomever you choose to bestow that title on. I have friends that I consider family and blood relatives that are just acquaintances.
 
I'm estranged from my brother.

He and I were very close, while growing up, but as we entered adulthood, we became very different people, with very different interests, goals, values, etc

For a few years we would occasionally stay in touch, out of nostalgia, and to please our parents. However, we gradually mutually agreed that we didn't have any interests in common. For example, neither of us care for birthdays or presents, so we stopped contacting each other on birthdays. Similarly, we mutually agreed that getting together just to make other family members happy wasn't a priority for either of us.

It's a bit disappointing that the closeness we had as kids didn't carry over into adulthood, but creating artificial closeness would be more disappointing.
 
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