Fear of losing someone

I guess when I think about losing someone, I think of two ways this could happen: 1) losing someone romantically 2) losing someone to death.

1) I've never lost someone romantically because I've never been serious with someone for longer than 2 months. One of my character flaws is that I protect myself from rejection by choosing NOT to bust a move. "Can't lose something you've never gotten", right? Well, I know that's stinkin' thinkin' and it's something I'm currently fighting against.

If I ever do get someone, I can't imagine what it'd be like to lose them.

2) I haven't lost someone close me to death either. I came pretty close last year though. My dad was diagnosed with a very aggressive type of prostate cancer. He's in remission right now but if it comes back his chances aren't good. It's always out there and scary to really think about.


In both situations, I'm living in the shadow of something that hasn't happened yet. These are also situations that I can't control. I don't like the idea that I make decisions to avoid things I can't control though. To live in that kind of reality.. feels like I'm cheating myself out of a better life NOW.
 
I don't think I am afraid of losing people who are close to me. When my grandfather died I wasn't sad at all, I also didn't cry. He died naturally of old age and knowing that he had a rich life I thought that his time has come and that he led a good life. I was thinking more of whether I myself will be able to live my life in such a way that I won't regret it when I'm old. When another relative of mine died young (teenager), I wasn't sad because I lost someone close to me. I was sad because that person didn't have the chance to live life like, say, my grandfather did.
 
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