female INTP shocked by INFJ proposal

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Hello everyone:

I am a female INTP with a INFJ male bestfriend, i adore him, we have been friends for 13 years, we can talk about everything, or so i thought until yesterday.

Currently he lives in another city but we talk several times a week on skype. I recently broke up a long relationship with another guy, and my INFJ friend knew all the details about it... the thing is he is one of the very few people i feel such a deep connection with as friends and recently started to consider him in another light, thinking that perhaps we could start dating...

this week he came back to town, so yesterday we went out for a few beers and somehow ended up talking about our sex lifes(as i said we usually talk about everything) , it started as a normal conversation but then talk got weird, and he ended up asking me to hook up as friends... and kissed me...

I
 
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dont generalize people. Not all INFJs are the same...
 
o_q said:
All INFJs hate generalizations
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Hell no I love them, there the easiest logical fallacy to throw back in someones face.





see what I did there
 
Not that I agree with him but sounds as if he's trying consummate his deeper interest or he felt this way all along and thought it was time to go further. For him, since you've known him for 13 years, he probably thinks you already have a connection, you already know each other well, the most personal and intimate aspects of each others lives. So, for him, it's not a big leap for sex to be the next thing. You've already developed a lot of intimacy between you that most couples don't have, so he may think it makes sense that physical intimacy is the next step.

But it seems that you are more interested in serious committment with someone before taking that leap. And probably for you, although you are very close friends, you haven't had the chance to see and experience each other as romantic partners, so it feels rushed for you. Whereas his feelings have probably been there for a while, so it's not sudden for him.

I would sit down with him and explain your feelings. Discuss why you can't go there without discussing what your relationship is or will be. If you're someone who doesn't consider physical intimacy casually but wants to wait for a deeper and stronger relationship, that's great. Hopefully, if this is what you would like, he will respect this instead of wanting you to give in to him without thinking of the consequences to your friendship. One question you can ask him is do you want to risk what he has with you for something that may not work in the end? Also, physical intimacy will likely deepen those feelings you may have for him, and if he doesn't respond in the same way, you may get hurt as a result. So, if he is truly a friend, he will understand. My two cents. :)
 
Ame said:
Not that I agree with him but sounds as if he's trying consummate his deeper interest or he felt this way all along and thought it was time to go further. For him, since you've known him for 13 years, he probably thinks you already have a connection, you already know each other well, the most personal and intimate aspects of each others lives. So, for him, it's not a big leap for sex to be the next thing. You've already developed a lot of intimacy between you that most couples don't have, so he may think it makes sense that physical intimacy is the next step.

But it seems that you are more interested in serious committment with someone before taking that leap. And probably for you, although you are very close friends, you haven't had the chance to see and experience each other as romantic partners, so it feels rushed for you. Whereas his feelings have probably been there for a while, so it's not sudden for him.

I would sit down with him and explain your feelings. Discuss why you can't go there without discussing what your relationship is or will be. If you're someone who doesn't consider physical intimacy casually but wants to wait for a deeper and stronger relationship, that's great. Hopefully, if this is what you would like, he will respect this instead of wanting you to give in to him without thinking of the consequences to your friendship. One question you can ask him is do you want to risk what he has with you for something that may not work in the end? Also, physical intimacy will likely deepen those feelings you may have for him, and if he doesn't respond in the same way, you may get hurt as a result. So, if he is truly a friend, he will understand. My two cents. :)
Click to expand...

Seconded. As an INFJ male myself, I have had this same thought pattern sometimes in my excitement (pun not intended) at something finally being realized outside of my mind. Discuss this with him and be very clear; we can read between lines into worlds of meaning that don't exist. If he is serious, he should listen and respect you.

Good luck!
 
Well, just he just want to hookup, or does he want something more? If he really is an INFJ, I'm guessing it is something more.
 
"i thought that he saw me as more than hook up material.."

You hit the nail right on the head with this. As an INFJ male, if I made that proposition (I wouldn't) and a girl said this to me, I'd be devastated in realizing what it was I was wanting - "just a hook up" buddy with someone I genuinely cared about. But it would be a devastation that would make me sit back and reflect about my values, and I wouldn't hold it against the girl for that statement. I would be the offender, not them. Even still, I would withdraw from them - maybe for a long time - while I figure out what I got wrong, and how best to reengage. For me, and I'd imagine many other INFJ's, mistakes like that are evidence of an internal misunderstanding, which can lead to problems later on if ignored. Furthermore, I wouldn't want you to agree to something like sex, and not be satisfied with the whole situation since you want a commitment from it. I'd be very concerned about how my partner felt about it. So I would prefer rejection to being oblivious to my partner's desires. If I'm oblivious, and they're seeking something more, then that makes problems for them to deal with, which will eventually come out - and there goes the relationship. I perceive more extroverted types as brushing off mistakes and move on, but the INFJ's I know tend to internalize them and dig to their root, so you're going to get shut out a bit if you tell him no, and use your feelings to justify why. Just don't be too upset with him, unless you want him to put up a more permanent wall (If someone expresses to me that I've annoyed them, I back off and raise a wall - and it's permanent). Then again, your friend might be completely different. What do I really know?

If I were your friend, I would reevaluate our friendship and seek to know if I wanted to be in a committed relationship, or if my proposal was the result of misplaced feelings - does that really mean I like you in a way more than friends? Am I just overly horny? If your friend does like you more than just a friend, and is aware of this himself, then chances are he's using this as a pretext (albeit, rather poorly) to getting more involved - thinking that because you're already such good friends, "casual sex" would be the next step to something more serious. Once again, I don't know him.

Whichever, as a guy, I would not recommend sleeping with him before there's a commitment there. Since you are good friends, he may not see sex with you as seriously as he does someone else. If he's really your friend, he'll respect your view of sex being based in commitment. If he's just a lustful pig - there is no specific MBTI personality for lustful pig - then he won't. Get him to fess up about his motives. Judge for yourself. Keep your head up, and don't abandon your principles. You have those for life.

And to answer your question, I idealize sex as well. Abstinence till marriage type. I find that MBTI has done a pretty good job of pegging me and my personality.
 
Ame said:
Not that I agree with him but sounds as if he's trying consummate his deeper interest or he felt this way all along and thought it was time to go further. For him, since you've known him for 13 years, he probably thinks you already have a connection, you already know each other well, the most personal and intimate aspects of each others lives. So, for him, it's not a big leap for sex to be the next thing. You've already developed a lot of intimacy between you that most couples don't have, so he may think it makes sense that physical intimacy is the next step.

But it seems that you are more interested in serious committment with someone before taking that leap. And probably for you, although you are very close friends, you haven't had the chance to see and experience each other as romantic partners, so it feels rushed for you. Whereas his feelings have probably been there for a while, so it's not sudden for him.

I would sit down with him and explain your feelings. Discuss why you can't go there without discussing what your relationship is or will be. If you're someone who doesn't consider physical intimacy casually but wants to wait for a deeper and stronger relationship, that's great. Hopefully, if this is what you would like, he will respect this instead of wanting you to give in to him without thinking of the consequences to your friendship. One question you can ask him is do you want to risk what he has with you for something that may not work in the end? Also, physical intimacy will likely deepen those feelings you may have for him, and if he doesn't respond in the same way, you may get hurt as a result. So, if he is truly a friend, he will understand. My two cents. :)
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thanks for this, we talked a while ago, and this is pretty much what he said, that he thought we were close enough as friends to experience something different.... and he also apologized a million of times for not considering the way i think about physical relationships before asking me to hook up... anyway it seems we will be taking things slowly. and date from time to time...

Thanks to everyone for answering! having different perspectives on this matter was helpfull to realize what my feeling about this were...
 
He wants more than to hook up with you, I think "hooking up" is just easier to say then telling a longtime friend that you have serious feeling for her.
 
I am a INFJ male with a INTP female bestfriend, i adore her, we have been friends for 3 years, we can talk about everything. Currently she lives in another city
but we talk several times a week on skype. We were surfing the web together when we stumbled on this story.This made our night, it was sooooo ironic!
 
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