First month dating ISTJ guy = minimal communication

[Artemisia]

There's a childish way to deal with dating or relationships and the grown up way. He took the childish way out.

Although everything may not have been figured out between them, doesn't mean communication should suddenly stop taking place. If he sees she wanted more but he didn't, he could have been more up front. This idea of I'm just going to hide away or duck out is immature and irresponsible. If he communicated that he didn't want more, but yet she keeps pursuing, then yeah, she would then be responsible for own unwillingness to let go. However, not being clear and ignoring the person is just rude and bad manners, no matter how justified the person feels in not wanting to pursue anything more.

It's also a convenient cop out to say that because they hadn't agreed what the relationship was that this excuses the unwillingness to communicate. Simply because you have sex with someone casually, doesn't make this kind of response ok. A real adult owns their feelings and takes responsibility. Avoidance is child's play. Sounds more like game playing. This idea of I'm going to ignore someone until they go away is just rude, or acting as if you're interested and then ducking out, is not something to encourage or justify. It may be a popular way to deal with unwanted feelings or conflict, but it's just rude and a sign of immaturity.

You are right, of course. It's just that it is way too early for me to see what he may or may not want. I slept with him three days before leaving for a month, so things may or may not change when I get back. He has been good with "liking" some of my statuses on FB and such, but it is not enough. He seems to be more of an action person and like most men, reacts when he sees me. Not sure if "out of sight=out of mind" occurs in his case. Unlike a few of my previous men, however, this one is not seeing multiple people.

 

[Gaze]

You are right, of course. It's just that it is way too early for me to see what he may or may not want. I slept with him three days before leaving for a month, so things may or may not change when I get back. He has been good with "liking" some of my statuses on FB and such, but it is not enough. He seems to be more of an action person and like most men, reacts when he sees me. Not sure if "out of sight=out of mind" occurs in his case. Unlike a few of my previous men, however, this one is not seeing multiple people.

Ah, maybe I was too quick to judge him then. I was more responding to the previous poster's points about you expecting more than he seems ready to give. Probably too much is being assumed about him and the situation perhaps. However, I would caution you in thinking that simply because he's almost 30, that this somehow makes him more mature or responsible. That's not a given in today's world. People don't necessarily hold themselves more accountable or responsible for how they deal with people in dating or relationships just because they're a particular age. It's more the reality today, that people feel "free" to behave however they choose. They are not likely to see themselves as responsible for anyone else's feelings but their own. They're also more likely to dive in very easily into the physical but take the emotional or social aspects more slowly. They tend to separate the two as if there's no connection unless a relationship is officially established. They tend to dip in first, then feel things out. Not necessarily right, good, or healthy, but that's the norm today.

 

[The Anchor]

The answer to this problem seems to be in the title. I have been in this situation, on the opposite side as you, OP. Even though that person might still like you and find you interesting, there could be a lot that he is pondering over in his head. Maybe he is insecure, having silent doubts or doesn't have any idea what to do to bring this 'thing' to the next level.

Him being an ISTJ, means he has not the best intuition, plus his extraverted feeling is low. He might not be very much aware of what his actions (or lack thereof) might do to the other person, as much as an extraverted feeler could. Though this is all just guessing and brainstorming on my part.

So again, the answer is in the title. What I want to say is, and what others have kind of pointed towards, is just having an honest conversation. Just tell him how you feel, and how his behaviour affects your feelings. He will respect you for being honest and will probably be honest to you in turn. I understand this may be a challenge to do without feeling a bit apprehensive, but it is the only way to find out about the nature of the situation in a healthy way. It worked for me!

"Understand, to be understood"

 

[Artemisia]

The more days pass, the more anxious I feel about this communication thing (he hasn't replied to a message I sent him) and I guess this is a sign that I should walk and date the next guy.

 

[Erlian]

The more days pass, the more anxious I feel about this communication thing (he hasn't replied to a message I sent him) and I guess this is a sign that I should walk and date the next guy.

One casual date doesn't hurt. I wouldn't walk away just like this though.

I'd tell him about what bothers you: communication.
If he's like: *shrug*. Just walk away.
If he comes up with something else, you can give him a second chance depending on his response.

 

[Gaze]

The more days pass, the more anxious I feel about this communication thing (he hasn't replied to a message I sent him) and I guess this is a sign that I should walk and date the next guy.

I agree with walking away. If he's not going to make the effort, then is he really worth it? I understand what it is to be the age that we are and want to find someone who is consistent, lasting, and responsive. It's tough because the world we live in, is very "every person for themselves." No one really thinks about the consequences of their actions anymore. They seek out what they want, go for what they can get, then move on. In any case, if he can't express himself and talk about his feelings, then do you really think it would have worked out in the long run? Yes, maybe he was a nice guy, but maybe it just wouldn't work.

At this stage in life, you want someone who knows what they want, knows how to communicate, and also knows how to responsible and direct. Others, it's just games. So, you're likely better off letting him go, and moving on. If you have to keep wondering what he's thinking or whether he's really interested, that's just going to drive you crazy in the long term. And you're likely, not to want to have that stress. I would suggest in the future, waiting to have physically intimacy even if you feel comfortable with the person, because today, people are selfish when it comes to sex. They get and go and don't think of effects of their behavior. You may have to consider the criteria you're using for choosing a partner.

You shouldn't have to make so much effort to know or find out if someone is interested and wants to continue. That shouldn't be necessary at this point. You may also want to consider dating more extroverts since introverts sometimes have the tendency to not be as verbal about what they want or are looking for. And consider dating people who expressly state they are looking for the same things you are and show that in their actions, rather than assuming from age or "maturity" that they feel the way you do. Get to the know them, and then figure out if they're worth it.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

I think I solved the problem. F's should not date T's

 

[Barnabas]

*raises hand*

Question. Have you sat down and talked to him about how you feel and your needs for communication in a relationship?

 

[Artemisia]

You know what though, he very well may be interested, but just not in the way you need him to be. I was into this guy (ISTP) who hardly ever made me feel wanted the way I needed, he insisted he was into me, and was 'in with both feet' and insisted we were exclusive. At the same time, he'd hardly ever communicate with me, he was super stressed about other life things and my needing anything just made him more stressed out, in which he'd then blame me for his stress. And he just CLOUDN'T GET why I didn't feel like he was into me. We talked about it, we even established ways / things we could do to help me feel more wanted. He tried (he said he was trying hard), but it just didn't work. I was MISERABLE and only wanting what I felt like were pretty basic things. He's not a horrid person, he's great AS A FRIEND (for me). But not cut out to be my boyfriend / partner.

It's really important to know what you need in a relationship. It sounds like you know this guy isn't meeting your needs. And it's smart of you to recognize this and work towards moving on. He doesn't need changing, but neither do you. You two just need other people. Fighting like hell to 'not be miserable' is robbing yourself of the beauty you could be experiencing with someone who *does* make you feel wanted/desired/valued/appreciated.

This. I guess the best thing I can say at this point is that his level of interest and expression of that interest is not working for me. And what is really a pity is that he is not seeing someone else, so his level of interest is directly related to his personality and how he behaves in relationships, not because there is a third party involved.

 

[Artemisia]

And he just CLOUDN'T GET why I didn't feel like he was into me.

I can relate to this too. I felt the same about my ex, even though he said to me "I care about you very much, but you don't believe I do." Well, his level of caring was casual in my book and didn't make me feel wanted emotionally (sexually we were great). Come to think about it, the ex was also an ISTJ. Perhaps they just don't have the ability to show emotional depth and make INFJs feel loved the way we want to be.

 

[Artemisia]

Might even be an xSTx thing. Since mine was ISTP. He seems similar to the two guys you describe, communication wise. Then again, there are probably feelers out there similar to this too.

All I know is that I need to *feel* someones interest and attraction. I need to feel adored. It's out there. And I've found it, and seen it in male friends too. Just hard to find. Worth it though, when you do find it.<33

The first person to make me feel *completely* adored in the way I crave = INFJ

I'm ENFP... or well, at least NF.

Yes, I get what you are saying. With STs, it's like a major ingredient is missing. I too find that the men who make me feel adored and loved tend to be Fs, whether NFs or SFs.

 

[Artemisia]

OK, we went out a couple of times these past two days and it is as many of you said and what I knew all along. He is just not meeting my needs and expects me to make plans for everything. I'm just going to walk. I will be hard though because we live in the same place (an overseas institute) and will be in close proximity to each other until June. Who knows? Maybe me walking away will give him a wake up call. I am not going to waste anymore time with him.