Fred... why god why?
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Hmm, im not sure, I havent ever been average in any sense of the word, but for me it sounds like "this sucks... im bored, I want meaning, please god let there be more to life then just eating, fucking, and getting "things", I want to build a powerful human being from scratch, I want a family, I need a place to grow roots." something like that.
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i wasn't calling you average @Billy just wanted to understand the average response... your words are like ultra softcore chick porn btw....feel free to keep going
LOL ok well then, I think my emotional clocked has always had a slow tick to it, being a lover type and the eldest of all my siblings I have always had a very "care-taker" mentality, not just with family, but everyone, I tend to really want to help people and make them into the best versions of themselves I can, not really manipulatively, but with genuine support and encouragement. So I basically helped raise my younger brothers to a degree, and we always had like babies in the family and children and I always adored them and their innocence, and I went through some bad shit as a kid, which kind of put me into hyper-overprotective mode especially regarding children and people who didnt have the same strengths as me...
but as with all things in time, that has softened a bit and now its like I just want to have something meaningful, I guess if I was an INTJ or something that would entail some master plan or something, but being what I am, it involves people and a feeling of closeness emotionally to people... and I have often pondered on how having a family of my own would change me and would fulfill certain empty voids I have always felt and how good it would feel to have something so meaningful to me to pledge 100% of my being to making it work and pouring in countless efforts to supply them with whatever comforts I could.
I think the arrival of my nieces and nephew really put that into overdrive, being involved in their lives fills me with so much intensity of emotion, its not explainable I just begin to get teary eyed and feel a sense of peace. Just watching them play (they're 2 now, twins) is like an exercise of tranquility, all the horribleness of life seems suddenly balanced on some sort of cosmic scale, whereas before them I would have said that life is just pure misery and back stabbery, now those thoughts give way to tenderness and a longing to be a father and to shepherd a family through the terrors of life with as much diligence and courage as I can muster... I often believed that once you have that, your life doesn't belong to you anymore, and its funny for some people thats a terrifying thought but I actually embrace it, I often felt the most meaning in life in service to others, its what made me feel the most useful and the most loved. And going forward in time, the concept of having a child to rely on me and to see myself in its very DNA would be... indescribable... words cannot encapsulate the intensity of that feeling. I have jested and told friends I never wanted children, but usually that was just because I know the weight of the situation and what it means, but deep down, where I truly reside beyond all the bullshit and scar tissue, its the one and only thing I have ever wanted, a true reason to put all my gifts to use, because lord knows I squander them now and see now reason to use them for myself other than fanciful idle time, but to have a cause to pledge them to... that would truly be something.
Sensiko
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[MENTION=1451]Billy[/MENTION] i srsly thought your avatar with the cute kid was just a ploy, lol.
thanks for being honest, it's nice to see your take on cosmic scales *now your talking my language* im pretty sure the thought of having kids for INFX's is a very heavy thing, god knows it is for me. i was dead set against having kids for too many reasons to count, but really it was because my ex-husband would have made the worst father ever and i knew it, but at the time i loved him more so it didn't matter. now he's out of the picture i can't help but fantasizing about having a kid ---just one-- and really enjoying that thought. like scarily enjoying that thought. i know i would make an awesome mom --people tell me this all the time. so who knows... but all you said rings true for me.... however that being said i would still be okay without having one too. what doesn't sound okay is the thought of not finding someone to connect with on this dumb planet, that is truly frightening to me.
thanks for being honest, it's nice to see your take on cosmic scales *now your talking my language* im pretty sure the thought of having kids for INFX's is a very heavy thing, god knows it is for me. i was dead set against having kids for too many reasons to count, but really it was because my ex-husband would have made the worst father ever and i knew it, but at the time i loved him more so it didn't matter. now he's out of the picture i can't help but fantasizing about having a kid ---just one-- and really enjoying that thought. like scarily enjoying that thought. i know i would make an awesome mom --people tell me this all the time. so who knows... but all you said rings true for me.... however that being said i would still be okay without having one too. what doesn't sound okay is the thought of not finding someone to connect with on this dumb planet, that is truly frightening to me.
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@Jill Hives OMG! Yes, those god forsaken spawn from hell. I forgot how freaking creepy those things are. I would rather tape my mouth to the exhaust pipe of a running car than watch 10 minutes of that. 30 seconds of Fred had the same effect.
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A ploy for what? hahaha you should see my phones photo library the vast majority of the pictures are of my nieces lol.
All I have is my antenna pointed into the nether of the cosmos, its my thing really. Everything for me is connected. I know what you mean by word of scarily enjoying the thought, I do as well. The sense of purpose it gives me, i've always craved it. I know I would made a very devoted father, and I learned from the mistakes of the fathers I knew and watched and know what things I wouldn't do, would I make mistakes? yes im sure of it, but they would be mistakes made in the light of trying to protect and grow the young. Would I be ok without ever having a kid? Yeah, I would be ok, I will make the world my child in that case and find my path in it to nurture it any way I can. Its kind of weird I always felt like I had a mix of maternal and paternal instincts not just for whats best logically for things but what they need to feel good. And yeah the thought of never finding someone is not ok, I mean I would survive, but living that kind of an existence seems less than appropriate for me, because I already know I am the best me I can be when I am emotionally secured in a committed relationship where I have someone to pour my affections into and receive them back, its just a pity that up to now I havent found someone who is able to stay on the same wavelength with me, i have come close on some levels, but that need for being understood and appreciated as I am has yet to be fulfilled, I guess thats what I long for the most, that cosmic synergy of 2 forces coming together in a symphony, that sense of partnership, that 1 person so close, so endeared, that you just want to be as deep into their life as you can go, and them into yours, to give all you can to their cause to see them reach the heavens and have those efforts returned. To feel like part of something greater than oneself, to belong, to sense millions of years of evolution, history, time, space, distance, impossibility be swept aside to find that 1 congenial heart in which you can plant the seeds of your love and watch it grow into a mighty tree... to feel connected at every level, to live without that would be a truly sad life.