Generation from the Divorced

[DevilDoll]

that's true, but the divorced parents I have met that have actually been able to balance things so that the children's needs are met have actually been in the minority.

I also think that it's impossible to expect things to remain the same once parents divorce and find new partners and live in different houses.

Generally I think children's needs can be better met with both parents in the house.

Not in every situation. Some people are toxic together. That kind of atmosphere is simply not good for a children. In most cases the child would be better off in a single parent home instead of the turmoil they would have been in had the parents stayed together. That all comes down to the question "Should parents stay together for the children?". Some say yes. I say no. If you're not happy and the relationship isn't healthy, then your kids aren't happy or healthy either.

 

[This]

Yes that is the most ideal situation, but reality is usually far from ideal. I notice a lot of people equate boys having behavioral problems because of divorced parents, the truth is that its when there is no father in the picture at all that those problems become apparent.

Well I don't think it even needs to be a father really, I just think it's important to have a positive male influence. I know one of my best friends growing up turned out well because his grandpa lived with him and his mother so he had that strong positive male influence. I also think a strong positive female influence is important but doesn't seem as relevant due to the fact that the mother usually gains custody in these types of situations unless the child is old enough to make their own decision.

 

[jyrffw54]

I am not the product of divorce either, but my parents were never married or even considered together. My dad and stepmom, though, have been together for over 30 years.

I have a lot of friends who's parents are divorced, but that doesn't deplete the value of marriage for me, it just shows that you are not going to always get it right on the first try. : )

 

[88chaz88]

that's true, but the divorced parents I have met that have actually been able to balance things so that the children's needs are met have actually been in the minority.

Oh I'm not disputing that it's the minority. Occurs more in middle-class households mind you...

Though I do think we should keep the issues of divorced parents and single parents separate. The two are certainly not in the same situation.

I also think that it's impossible to expect things to remain the same once parents divorce and find new partners and live in different houses.

Yes of course things change, but I don't think the damage done is anywhere near as severe as one of the partner's being absent.

Generally I think children's needs can be better met with both parents in the house.

Agreed, but not in all cases. I really doubt my life would have been better if my parents stayed together. They may have both raised me, but they've only just started talking together.

 

[CorLeonis]

My parents are divorced. Personally, I have no idea how they managed go get past the first date, let alone get married and have three children, they were awful together, and really have nothing in common.

I also don't know how much I can contribute to this conversation, because I don't think either of my parents should have ever had kids. Let alone have kids, and still be a good parent after a divorce. Not that I don't love my parents, don't get me wrong. But my siblings and I are all over the age of 21, and my father still tells us he's not ready for kids. HA.

With that said, however, divorce effected me a lot as a child/teenager (my parents divorced when I was 10).


And... in relation to me... hmm. I'm a single parent. And I am very unforgiving when it comes to how my daughter's father treats his child, because I know how it feels to have an uninvolved or dismissive parent, to come from a "broken home". It's hard for me to find the balance between wanting to protect my daughter, and wanting her to have her father in her life. I want him to be there for her, so she knows she's loved, but not if it means he's going to hurt her, over and over. I often feel it's my fault for making the decision to have her that she won't have a stable, 2-parent home. Then again, I love being a parent, and love that I can raise her in the way that I think is best without anyone disagreeing with me. heh. That's kind of nice.


I think it is amazingly, amazingly rare for parents to divorce without effecting the child. I think even amicable, civil divorces will change a child's... at least sense of stability and trust.

 

[kucala]

My parents separated when I was six.
I don't see it as a bad thing, it would have been a fairly toxic environment for me to be in, had they stayed together. I was lucky enough to split my time between my mother and father, and that's the way I would have chose it.
Divorce, to me, it's a good or a bad thing. It's just 'a thing'. I think that depending on the situation, it can be good or bad, but in and of itself it is neither.

 

[Galileo]

The way it usually works here, one parent will get custody for the week and the other will get them every second weekend, though of course that's in situations where there's actually been a court battle over it, if you're actually willing to agree on something then you can work out something better. I don't like the way it's done in court because one parent is clearly favoured over the other and it's not fair.

I was actually one of the minority cases of children who were given over to the custody of the father, so during my early teenage years I lacked a mother, which was really really hard on me.

 

[Peppermint]

I wish my parents divorced. Their relationship has been and still is hellish.

 

[Oranguh]

If you're actually willing to agree on something then you can work out something better. I don't like the way it's done in court because one parent is clearly favoured over the other and it's not fair.

I got kinda bored of the main objective of this thread so I'm going to introduce some new questions

In some cases parents get a divorce because they know it's best for their children, in some cases they don't go to court for custody of their children because they hold the interest of their children as a priority.

But

In most cases in a divorce parents are "blinded", so to say, by their disgust of their ex significant other. This often leads to crazy court battles and inhospitable environment for children to grow up in.

This is pitiful because in the minds of the parent they feel they are doing the right thing, but in fact their hatred/disgust merely overshadows/(fuses with) their desire to do what's best for their children. Which is srsly bad right.

uuuh~ I forgot where this was all leading to...... hmmmm

aaaaah :0~~ I should stop doing 5 different things at the same time >.>

uhm... just see this post as a bump then? lol

 

[Questingpoet]

I suppose I should say a few things here. I came from a very happy upbringing with two parents that loved each other, were engaged with their children and their needs, and are still together after 46 years. To present the other side of the coin to those whom have already spoken...I am in the early stages of getting a divorce. We have four children together and its never easy when there are kids. Anyone who knows me well on this site, knows how family oriented I am and how much my children mean to me. It was a years long and painstaking decision weighing all their needs and mine as well.

I recently posted a thread on "Loving Relations" that entails some things I've learned in hindsight about doing it right from the beginning. My hope in wirting that initially was that a someone reading it (hopefully) won't end up in the mess I am in now... with four little humans I love more that anything caught in the middle. When the one you choose as a partner doesn't hold up their end of the bargain, you are faced with a tough choice. What's best for the kids? For you? For all your sanity? In the past organized religion played a big part in couples staying together that were bad matches and unhappy. As Things change, this is less of a factor. And as has been said, women are much more empowered now then in my mother or grandmothers generations.

There are a lot more factors now that drive the divorce rate up. We live longer too. I wonder if perhaps we are not meant to be with one person for 50+ years in most cases. Does this (staying with one person for decades) stunt our growth as people? I think it can depending on the person(s). It doesn't always have to. It's so very rare to find that one superb match.

I think divorce does affect us as children and adults no matter what the circumstances. Most adults don't act very adult when divorce comes along and its the kids that pay the biggest price. I don't know where it will lead to for the next generation that wants to consider marriage. But it's certain societies idea of marriage (and divorce) will continue to evolve.

 

[slant]

My parents divorced when I was seven and of all of my friends, I only know one whose parent's aren't divorced or living separated.

I don't put much of a value on marriage and I view it as a strictly religious practice. Since I'm not religious, and none of my friends are, I doubt any of us will get married.

In stark contrast, my sister is an atheist but she plans on getting married. I don't understand that, but, hey.

 

[CorLeonis]

I got kinda bored of the main objective of this thread so I'm going to introduce some new questions

In some cases parents get a divorce because they know it's best for their children, in some cases they don't go to court for custody of their children because they hold the interest of their children as a priority.

But

In most cases in a divorce parents are "blinded", so to say, by their disgust of their ex significant other. This often leads to crazy court battles and inhospitable environment for children to grow up in.

This is pitiful because in the minds of the parent they feel they are doing the right thing, but in fact their hatred/disgust merely overshadows/(fuses with) their desire to do what's best for their children. Which is srsly bad right.

uuuh~ I forgot where this was all leading to...... hmmmm

aaaaah :0~~ I should stop doing 5 different things at the same time >.>

uhm... just see this post as a bump then? lol

I'm not sure what you were going to ask..... but oh dear... did I hate being put in the middle of my parent's squabbles. Being a pawn. UGH.

 

[Galileo]

I think it's important to note that there are, at least in some countries, benifits to getting married that have nothing to do with religion.

I'm also an atheist who is married, but my husband and I had little choice, considering I needed to be able to get Swiss Residency. Though I would have married even if there was a way in without having to do so. some people love the idea of a wedding. It's romantic to some.

However, after Peter and I married I found out that he actually now can pay 6000CHF less on his tax just because I've got his last name.

 

[Flavus Aquila]

Question out of curiousity:

Of those whose parents are divorced/separated: how many had grandparents that were divoced/separated?



I just ask, because it seems from this thread, that those who come from divorced parents have almost all made a point of saying how they don't think marriage is all that important - and that divorce was a good thing. Presumably, parents whose own parents divorced may have similar views.

 

[Solongo]

It's interesting to think about divorce affecting new generations but I seem to know also a lot of people just coming from a single parenthood. In either case, the effect is immediate in the way younger generations approach and view relationships. It is good and bad in my opinion. The good is that women and men feel free to learn and grow through various relationships without being pressured to settle down. the bad is that even with high divorce rates, dating sites and the notion that we have many choices for a potential partner leaves people lost.

Understanding that we have choices forces us to really find out what makes us happy, unhappy, fearful, etc...essentially self exploration which was not really afforded to people freely in lets say 3 to 4 generations ago resulting in high divorce cases. With this new found freedom people are still lost as to how to find satisfying love.

 

[CorLeonis]

Question out of curiousity:

Of those whose parents are divorced/separated: how many had grandparents that were divoced/separated?



I just ask, because it seems from this thread, that those who come from divorced parents have almost all made a point of saying how they don't think marriage is all that important - and that divorce was a good thing. Presumably, parents whose own parents divorced may have similar views.

None of my grandparents divorced.

Though, one of the marriages ended because of suicide. So I assume (I did not know my grandfather) that the marriages were not... the best.

 

[This]

Question out of curiousity:

Of those whose parents are divorced/separated: how many had grandparents that were divoced/separated?



I just ask, because it seems from this thread, that those who come from divorced parents have almost all made a point of saying how they don't think marriage is all that important - and that divorce was a good thing. Presumably, parents whose own parents divorced may have similar views.

I don't come from divorced parents and I too don't think marriage is that important, at least not the legal contract part.

My parents have been married for 35 years and my grandparents that are still living 65 years.

 

[bickelz]

My parents divorced around the end of sophomore year. I kind of wish they split much before then though.

 

[Oranguh]

I think it's important to note that there are, at least in some countries, benifits to getting married that have nothing to do with religion.

Very true, my other uncle got married in Japan with his wife because her VISA was about to expire, but they do not know even know exactly when they got married to this very day. The question then arises what the merit of marriage itself is if it does not transcend these material benefits for some individuals?

I just ask, because it seems from this thread, that those who come from divorced parents have almost all made a point of saying how they don't think marriage is all that important - and that divorce was a good thing. Presumably, parents whose own parents divorced may have similar views.

All 4 of my grandparents were still together at the time. On the contrary, it was because my mother placed so much value on being together for the sake of "lifelong commitment" that the divorce became such a horrendous experience for some. The acknowledgement of this act may have triggered a backfire response in how other around her see marriage. They could have seen it as a mistake to uphold such a mentality. Not surprising after experiencing the effects first hand. (but yea, those crazy Si types drawing conclusions from experience. To be honest, such a mentality could have also spelled out a different scenario)

Understanding that we have choices forces us to really find out what makes us happy, unhappy, fearful, etc...essentially self exploration which was not really afforded to people freely in lets say 3 to 4 generations ago resulting in high divorce cases. With this new found freedom people are still lost as to how to find satisfying love.

True, in the past family structures were dominated by forced/planned marriages and lifelong commitment was almost always the norm. What's interesting to note is that these people probably coped and accepted society at the time. Would a stricter society result in an overall increase in happiness and stability? Also, since when was it the trend to defy the norms of society? Which generation started the trend where they felt entitlement to choice of their partners now and the rest of their lives? Why did they feel that? Was it an emotion all generations felt? If so, why was it possible for that one generation to actually execute change?

But that's all history.... Let's think about the present.

One thing seems to be very very apparent after discussing all these interesting points. The contemporary society, in regards to family structure, is not near perfect. This dissatisfaction will likely lead to change in how the next generations will handle their lives.

But isn't this paradoxical? One can conclude that high divorce rates were a result from new-found freedom. How will the newer generations go about changing if the source of the problem seems to be the fact that they have the ability to choose?

Is this really the source of the problem? Or perhaps is choice/freedom merely a factor that enabled the occurrence of a different problem...? (Ooooooooh spicy~~)

Do you think that humans are responsible enough to choose what will bring them happiness? Or will they, in their folly, inevitably make wrong decisions that they will regret (generally speaking?)

(Don't mind me, I'm just opening new avenues of thought, most of what I write cannot be verified for 100% truth)

Though, one of the marriages ended because of suicide. So I assume (I did not know my grandfather) that the marriages were not... the best.

Oooh, one of my grandparents also committed suicide. My Japanese grandmother actually, when she was 79 I think..... But it's a secret only me, my grandfather and my grandmother's sister knew. But my grandmother's sister had to "tell" me because she felt she felt the urge to share the truth. (complicated story, but it's very interesting)

 

[Galileo]

Personally I think that it depends on the type of person.

I think it can go either way. I think that lots of young people who have been effected by divorce in this generation will take marriage and commitment and family very seriously, it could even be a contributing factor for the decreasing birth rate in some societies.

But equaly I think there are going to be people who think that marriage is something that can be entered into lightly and casually because it's so easy to get out of.