Going from dating older men to dating younger men

[CindyLou]

That's because you are too young for mature men in their mid 40s. In my experience as a general rule the mature ones don't date women that are much younger than they are, only the immature ones do.

Oh that is a great point!

 

[HunterO]

Could it be not the age but the geographical location of the men you're choosing? I don't want to seem prejudiced but I've only had less than par experiences with American men. 20s-40s, they are essentially all identical. The one absolute thing I can say about men who were raised in the US is that they tend to be self centred, pathological liars. (Minus my male platonic friends lol)

In contrast, British men tend to be of a similar mindset to me, and we make it very clear from the beginning exactly what we are looking for. For marriage and commitment, I think British men would be the most honourable.

 

[HunterO]

Could it be not the age but the geographical location of the men you're choosing? I don't want to seem prejudiced but I've only had less than par experiences with American men. 20s-40s, they are essentially all identical. The one absolute thing I can say about men who were raised in the US is that they tend to be self centred, pathological liars. (Minus my male platonic friends lol)

In contrast, British men tend to be of a similar mindset to me, and we make it very clear from the beginning exactly what we are looking for. For marriage and commitment, I think British men would be the most honourable.

OK, I amend my previous statement. I'm sure there are a lot of great American blokes out there, minus the LA douchey types.

 

[Gaze]

Could it be not the age but the geographical location of the men you're choosing? I don't want to seem prejudiced but I've only had less than par experiences with American men. 20s-40s, they are essentially all identical. The one absolute thing I can say about men who were raised in the US is that they tend to be self centred, pathological liars. (Minus my male platonic friends lol)

Yeah, interesting note. What are some of the other differences you've noticed in dating men from other cultures?

I do think there is less directness and a good amount of unnecessary game playing when dating in the US. Nothing is ever really straightforward. There is usually a lot of facade, which means much of it is empty, and rarely substantive. British appear more direct and practical, but I don't have personal experience so can't say for true. In US, the emphasis is on the superficial and quite a bit of time is spent not being taken advantage of because of too many hidden personal agendas. And people tend to behave as if they're doing you a huge favor if they want to date you. They walk around parading their dating or life resumes as if dating you is based on a process of going through rounds before you get to final approval not unlike the tv show The Bachelor, oddly enough. *rolls eyes* Yes, I get it, you've had a ton of life experience or umpteen number of exes, yata, yata, yata but enough already! Not that this attitude is not present in all cultures, but since US and the Caribbean are the ones I have the most experience with, this is my observation from what I've seen. It's just so ridiculously false, and most of all the false energy never goes anywhere. Apparently, dating around is the only way to go, and apparently there's some unwritten law against sticking with one person. No one ever takes anything seriously. Everything is a joke or a game.

 

[Odyne]

In my experience as a general rule the mature ones don't date women that are much younger than they are, only the immature ones do.

You know, I have always wondered about this, and the only reason I came up with was "looks". Younger women are just that, younger. I know that some younger women can be mature and reasonable, but there are older women who are just as mature and reasonable, yet much more accomplished and their own people in a sense. But what you described makes so much sense as well.





I dated older men, not terribly older, because I was looking for maturity as well. The one thing that bothered me is that they can be inadvertently patronizing. They act parental without realizing, and some times feel obliged to tell me how to deal with things in the way that they would, because they got so many years on me and therefore more "life experience", disregarding how I feel and view the situation, and the fact that I am and could be more than capable of dealing with it on my own.


Now, I simply seek for what fits me best, regardless of age; it's all about compatibility.

 

[HunterO]

Yeah, interesting note. What are some of the other differences in dating men from other cultures?

I do think there is less directness and a good amount of unnecessary game playing when dating in the US. Nothing is ever really straightforward. There is usually a lot of facade, which means much of it is empty, and rarely substantive. British appear more direct and practical, but I don't have personal experience so can't say for true. In US, the emphasis is on the superficial and quite a bit of time is spent not being taken advantage of because of too many hidden personal agendas. And people tend to behave as if they're doing you a huge favor if they want to date you. They walk around parading their dating or life resumes as if dating you is based on a process of going through rounds before you get to final approval not unlike the tv show The Bachelor, oddly enough. *rolls eyes* Yes, I get it, you've had a ton of life experience or umpteen number of exes, yata, yata, yata but enough already! Not that this attitude is not present in all cultures, but since US and the Caribbean are the ones I have the most experience with, this is my observation from what I've seen. It's just so ridiculously false, and most of all the false energy never goes anywhere. Apparently, dating around is the only way to go, and apparently there's some unwritten law against sticking with one person. No one ever takes anything seriously. Everything is a joke or a game.

I would say the British are definitely more direct and practical and dislike game-playing and unnecessarily leading people on- both men and women. In NYC, I have seen a lot of women primarily focused on the income of the man as the primary reason for dating a man. Although when I spoke to a platonic ESTP male colleague of mine about this before, he prefers that NYC women are honest about their materialism as he knows exactly how to approach them by parading his credit card. :lol: I tend to think the British focus more on internal values, goals, personality as more natural initial courses of dating. The people I know in the UK have probably been together longest as couples whereas my US friends change partners every 6 months, some perpetual bachelor types. I have a female lawyer friend in the States, and she went on a date nearly everyday for months sometimes, two dates per day with different men(eg, lunch, dinner) so that she could meet as many eligible men as possible. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I think multi-tasking people is probably more common in the larger bouroughs within both genders and an accepted cultural phenomenon in the US whereas in the UK, people tend to focus on one person at a time. I suppose it all depends on the person though.

 

[Deleted member 10171]

Age generally should never be an issue — for me it’s about compatibility. I’ve never dated older men but then I’m in a tricky situation where I don’t look my age and generally draw attention from men younger than me! My husband is younger than I am but he is incredibly mature (which is what attracted me to him) and also fun to be around. I spend most of my life/time being mature and sensible so it’s fun to switch off that mode once in a while.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

I think I am done with dating men in their 40s. As a 32-year-old woman, I've had some bad experiences with dating single/divorced men in their mid-40s these past five years. It seems that they are either narcissistic or immature at that age and I find that men my age or a couple of years younger are way more mature than the 40-year-olds plus they want a relationship whereas the older guys seem to want friends with benefits or no string attached.

What is going on with single and divorced men in their 40s? And have other INFJ women here gone the same way as me?

Who knows if this is true. All I know is that you chose the men you dated. To me that speaks for itself.

 

[CindyLou]

Well she did say date. She never said she was in full blown relationships with these men... she hinted that they didn't want a relationship. You can't really sum up a person based on who they go out with a couple times vs the type of people someone chooses for relationships.

 

[Artemisia]

Well she did say date. She never said she was in full blown relationships with these men... she hinted that they didn't want a relationship. You can't really sum up a person based on who they go out with a couple times vs the type of people someone chooses for relationships.

Indeed. I did like a couple of them a lot and wanted a relationship, but they were clearly not relationship material. One of them was divorced with two children and in his mid-40s. I assumed having children and being previously married would have made him more mature. Alas, he had the maturity level of a teenager (maybe that's why his ex-wife divorced him?)

I hindsight, it is good that I did not end up in relationships with these men.

 

[Solongo]

Supposedly men emotionally mature at around age 42 and women at around age 32. Maybe find a happy balance between the two? I always felt that 5 or 6 years older is always ideal. I think the differences are harder to adjust to when the age difference is more than 10 years.

 

[Gaze]

I think besides age, it's really what the person is looking for. It seems the common lesson so far is that older doesn't equal more mature. So, it's the individual and having the appropriate level of maturity that matters in terms of who someone wants to date. Sometimes, when we go into a dating situation, we impose our own ideals on person, assuming they should be or reflect a particular type of person we are looking for, but this means we sometimes don't pay enough attention to who is actually sitting in front of us, what they want, how they feel, or think because we are looking for things in what they say or do to reflect what we want them to feel or think. And many will pick up on that and try to give the impression that this is also who they are, until they hook the person and then switch. In terms of older, expecting someone older to be mature means we assume they are more mature simply because they are older. We project. Older men with more youthful dispositions will appear younger and they know this attracts younger women. But they also have more worldly experience than someone younger, so they will likely be more confident and feel more capable of making decisions and may want to determine things for their partner because of that experience. People are different at various stages of their life. As people get older, they are more decisive in who they are and what they want. They are least likely to change this and compromise, and are more likely to look for someone to fit them rather than vice versa. So, if you're going to date someone older, this will be a fact you will have tolerate for find someone else in another age group to date. Older partners will expect their younger partner to make most of the adjustments or changes, not the other way around. This is why it's usually a fail when dating to assume is a particular way and then look for confirmation, rather than date the actual person. When you date, first thing is to not impose your own expectations or assumptions on the person, but observe and let the person reveal themselves on their own terms. Don't expect them to conform to what you want them to be. Let them be exactly who they are, then you'll know who you are really dating. Actions speak louder than words. It's not necessarily that people will be intentionally dishonest or try to hide, but it's just the case that people will try to reflect the type of self that will be more highly regarded than other aspects. People slip up, and their actions won't match their presentation. It takes energy to keep up appearances.

 

[the]

I find it is best to mirror the maturity of those around me to fit in. Maybe these immature men are just reflecting your own immature self?

 

[Artemisia]

People are different at various stages of their life. As people get older, they are more decisive in who they are and what they want. They are least likely to change this and compromise, and are more likely to look for someone to fit them rather than vice versa. So, if you're going to date someone older, this will be a fact you will have tolerate for find someone else in another age group to date. Older partners will expect their younger partner to make most of the adjustments or changes, not the other way around. This is why it's usually a fail when dating to assume is a particular way and then look for confirmation, rather than date the actual person. When you date, first thing is to not impose your own expectations or assumptions on the person, but observe and let the person reveal themselves on their own terms. Don't expect them to conform to what you want them to be. Let them be exactly who they are, then you'll know who you are really dating. Actions speak louder than words. It's not necessarily that people will be intentionally dishonest or try to hide, but it's just the case that people will try to reflect the type of self that will be more highly regarded than other aspects. People slip up, and their actions won't match their presentation. It takes energy to keep up appearances.

This. I agree that older people expect you to fit into their lives and basically make most of the sacrifices. Maybe that's why I have had enough. But I am also sure that there must be a reason men in their 40s are single.....I mean, women are usually choosier than men. If these guys were that good, wouldn't it be more likely that some woman would have picked them up by the time they are in their mid-late 40s? It seems that the ones who are single in this age range are looking to hook up and fit you into their lifestyles, not to get serious or even to be in love. Of course, there are always exceptions to this.

 

[La Sagna]

This. I agree that older people expect you to fit into their lives and basically made most of the sacrifices. Maybe that's why I have had enough. But I am also sure that there must be a reason men in their 40s are single.....I mean, women are usually choosier than men. If these guys were that good, wouldn't it be more likely that some woman would have picked them up by the time they are in their mid-late 40s? It seems that the ones who are single in this age range are looking to hook up and fit you into their lifestyles, not to get serious or even to be in love. Of course, there are always exceptions to this.

Many 'older people' have figured out that you shouldn't have to twist yourself to fit into somebody else's lifestyle, if your lifestyles aren't compatible or you're not willing to accept the differences then move on. Perhaps what you call immaturity might be more mature than you see it. It's all a matter of perspective.

 

[Artemisia]

Many 'older people' have figured out that you shouldn't have to twist yourself to fit into somebody else's lifestyle, if your lifestyles aren't compatible or you're not willing to accept the differences then move on. Perhaps what you call immaturity might be more mature than you see it. It's all a matter of perspective.

Wait.....so it is mature of a man to only contact someone who is his significant other (wife, gf, etc.) only once a week or every ten days? If said person sees his wife every three weeks (not because of long distance)? These are not signs of not fitting into someone's lifestyle....they are signs of someone who can't love and is self-centered. And there are plenty of single or divorced men (and some women) in their 40s who expect this sort of a setup these days. Not to mention the many workaholics who use work as an excuse to avoid emotional intimacy with their significant other.

 

[Gaze]

It seems that the ones who are single in this age range are looking to hook up and fit you into their lifestyles, not to get serious or even to be in love. Of course, there are always exceptions to this.

Yeah, maybe the problem though is that we keep expecting someone to be more focused on committment or settling down or assume they are not superficial simply because they are older, when like any other person they may or may not be these things we want them to be. Maybe it's about coming to realize that older are not always that serious about relationships, responsible, or mature (whatever that means in terms of what you think they should be). Finding someone who is compatible with your wants or goals in that age group may not be possible if you keep assuming they should be something they are not. Dating for long term is harder today in the world we live in than it once was. Today, older doesn't necessarily equal more settled or looking for long term relationships. It's more a matter of what the individual is looking for.

 

[La Sagna]

Wait.....so it is mature of a man to only contact someone who is his significant other (wife, gf, etc.) only once a week or every ten days? If said person sees his wife every three weeks (not because of long distance)? These are not signs of not fitting into someone's lifestyle....they are signs of someone who can't love and is self-centered. And there are plenty of single or divorced men (and some women) in their 40s who expect this sort of a setup these days. Not to mention the many workaholics who use work as an excuse to avoid emotional intimacy with their significant other.

You didn't give any details such as contacting you only once a week. I was just commenting on you saying that they expect you to fit into their lifestyle. If they are pretending to be something and then doing otherwise than that is immature but if they are straightforward and honest about what they want and are willing to do then I would call it mature even if it doesn't match up to what you would like. I'm just saying that wanting to be in a relationship and wanting to be in love is not necessarily a more mature thing.

 

[Eventhorizon]

Older people become set in their ways. Less willing to compromise with a partner.

 

[Artemisia]

If they are pretending to be something and then doing otherwise than that is immature but if they are straightforward and honest about what they want and are willing to do then I would call it mature even if it doesn't match up to what you would like. I'm just saying that wanting to be in a relationship and wanting to be in love is not necessarily a more mature thing.

If a man has trouble communicating and only wants to see his wife/gf every two or three weeks - honest or not - he should not be in a relationship. A relationship/marriage is not a hobby.