Great week with INFP male....now he won't communicate

[Artemisia]

I think you should switch to cold immediately.

He doesn't know what he wants and wants to gather his thoughts? That would be a total buzz kill for me.

Definitely. His excuse was that long distance relationships are hard and he has had a failed one in the past. I told him I know they are hard, but I still wanted to give this one a try. Now the ball is in his court, but I will not initiate any contact.

How much are you willing to bet that if I go cold, he will be back? I mean, we spent a good 5 days out of those two weeks cuddling and talking for hours.

 

[Scientia]

I am surprised that you had relations with someone you don't know who lives far away so quickly and that you are emotionally attached to the point that you are jealous over a light, flirty tone on facebook. This is so foreign to me. I could never do this.

INFP cuddling or not, he is a guy. You were probably a very interesting and fun but clingy diversion that he will soon leave behind. If you don't want to get hurt or act like a crazy person over some guy you just met, don't put yourself in situations where that is likely to happen. Sex is not love and you can't expect commitment from someone you just met. You can hope for it but I doubt you will get it that way. I think you know all of this already, though.

 

[Artemisia]

I am surprised that you had relations with someone you don't know who lives far away so quickly and that you are emotionally attached to the point that you are jealous over a light, flirty tone on facebook. This is so foreign to me. I could never do this.

But what if the person you are sleeping with told you that he is the loyal, monogamous type and you had sex without protection? Doesn't he owe it to you to be up front about whether he is seeing other people? In his case, he was/is not, but I just had to make it clear to him that it is not cool at all if he is and not telling me about it.

INFP cuddling or not, he is a guy. You were probably a very interesting and fun but clingy diversion that he will soon leave behind. If you don't want to get hurt or act like a crazy person over some guy you just met, don't put yourself in situations where that is likely to happen. Sex is not love and you can't expect commitment from someone you just met. You can hope for it but I doubt you will get it that way. I think you know all of this already, though.

And now the fun part is me turning the cold switch on and him wondering what happened. Because when you build someone up for two weeks and are emotionally open with him, his ego can't take a withdrawn former prospect. It works for me like a charm.

 

[Scientia]

But what if the person you are sleeping with told you that he is the loyal, monogamous type and you had sex without protection? Doesn't he owe it to you to be up front about whether he is seeing other people? In his case, he was/is not, but I just had to make it clear to him that it is not cool at all if he is and not telling me about it.

And now the fun part is me turning the cold switch on and him wondering what happened. Because when you build someone up for two weeks and are emotionally open with him, his ego can't take a withdrawn former prospect. It works for me like a charm.

It might be a little naive to assume that he is telling the truth. He might, in principle, owe it to you but he also wanted sex, so likely would not be totally truthful. Turning cold on purpose for fun to try get him to come back and commit sounds very manipulative as does saying that it works like a charm. This is worrisome because it indicates that you do this all the time.

My question to you is: how is this method working out for you? Are you happy with where your romantic life is? Have you tried just being you and not trying to control the situation all the time?

 

[Artemisia]

It might be a little naive to assume that he is telling the truth. He might, in principle, owe it to you but he also wanted sex, so likely would not be totally truthful. Turning cold on purpose for fun to try get him to come back and commit sounds very manipulative as does saying that it works like a charm. This is worrisome because it indicates that you do this all the time.

I have actual reason to believe that he is telling the truth though. He recently came out of a 5-year relationship and he was open enough with me about his lingering feelings for his ex (which have changed these days, he said). I was also open with him about my exes and my feelings towards him, even though we both realize it is very early.

As for turning cold on purpose, it has all to do with how I understand a man's ego. I think we as INFJs can really get deep into another person's psyche. In retrospect, I think that men can't handle emotional intensity from a woman early on, even though subconsciously they crave it. It brings up fear in them (am I good enough? can I sustain her love for me?) yet it is the very thing they need to come to terms with their own emotions. So going cold and making them think about the emotional intensity eventually brings them back. The only guy who hasn't come back to date with me is a self-proclaimed narcissist with a low sex drive. I actually told him in my last message that I did not like him anymore.

My question to you is: how is this method working out for you? Are you happy with where your romantic life is? Have you tried just being you and not trying to control the situation all the time?

No, I am not happy with where my romantic life is. But that does not mean that I need to change my emotional intensity to suit a man who is scared. It takes a strong person to be able to deal with deep emotions and to be put through the test; so far I have not found such a man, but I am sure he is out there.

 

[youhemmein]

I have actual reason to believe that he is telling the truth though. He recently came out of a 5-year relationship and he was open enough with me about his lingering feelings for his ex (which have changed these days, he said). I was also open with him about my exes and my feelings towards him, even though we both realize it is very early.

As for turning cold on purpose, it has all to do with how I understand a man's ego. I think we as INFJs can really get deep into another person's psyche. In retrospect, I think that men can't handle emotional intensity from a woman early on, even though subconsciously they crave it. It brings up fear in them (am I good enough? can I sustain her love for me?) yet it is the very thing they need to come to terms with their own emotions. So going cold and making them think about the emotional intensity eventually brings them back. The only guy who hasn't come back to date with me is a self-proclaimed narcissist with a low sex drive. I actually told him in my last message that I did not like him anymore.



No, I am not happy with where my romantic life is. But that does not mean that I need to change my emotional intensity to suit a man who is scared. It takes a strong person to be able to deal with deep emotions and to be put through the test; so far I have not found such a man, but I am sure he is out there.

If you truly feel like the two paths available to you are either manipulation/game-playing or watering yourself down to seem less intense, either you are not comfortable with yourself or you are and he is not the right person for you. Anyone with any degree of emotional intelligence will eventually see they have been manipulated and resent the manipulator. Please consider if this is even worth the energy you are putting forth.

 

[Artemisia]

If you truly feel like the two paths available to you are either manipulation/game-playing or watering yourself down to seem less intense, either you are not comfortable with yourself or you are and he is not the right person for you. Anyone with any degree of emotional intelligence will eventually see they have been manipulated and resent the manipulator. Please consider if this is even worth the energy you are putting forth.

But how am I being manipulative when I back off and don't initiate contact? If/when they come back, that is due to their ego, not because I am manipulating them into initiating. And I am being very honest when I tell you that they DO come back eventually.

Someone in this thread said earlier that her friend who was dating a 25-year-old had gone no contact with him (after he ignored her). Now the guy is panicking. That definitely says more about how men work than anything else. And it has been my experience nearly every time. Men can't take it when someone they thought was a sure thing decided to give up and move on.

 

[youhemmein]

But how am I being manipulative when I back off and don't initiate contact? If/when they come back, that is due to their ego, not because I am manipulating them into initiating. And I am being very honest when I tell you that they DO come back eventually.

Someone in this thread said earlier that her friend who was dating a 25-year-old had gone no contact with him (after he ignored her). Now the guy is panicking. That definitely says more about how men work than anything else. And it has been my experience nearly every time. Men can't take it when someone they thought was a sure thing decided to give up and move on.

If you are behaving a certain way to elicit a desired response, that is manipulation. This is especially true in love and matters of the heart. You should behave naturally and speak honestly if you wish to have the type of relationship that is organic and lasting. If he can't deal with it, manipulating his emotions is only a temporary solution and will ultimately result in both of you being miserable.

 

[Artemisia]

So, tomorrow he is leaving. After a day of no contact on either end yesterday, he sent a message this afternoon at 12:30 saying that he is available from 1-3 if I want to meet him.
So far I have not replied to him, but I did get angry that he would give me such a short notice. He's been online waiting for my reply and I can literally feel that he is panicking. So I have decided not to meet him and to wish him a good trip tomorrow morning. If he has some time to think and changes his mind, we can try again in a few months when he comes back.

Men take our interest in them for granted from the very beginning. This will teach him that women are not to be played with and not at one's beck and call. That said, he is a nice guy overall though.....just needs some training.

 

[hush]

Just needs some training?

Men are not dogs.

 

[Artemisia]

Just needs some training?

Men are not dogs.

Well, some women would disagree but anyway

You basically train people to respect you. He probably assumed that I'd come running at his beck and call, but now he knows better.

 

[hush]

Well, some women would disagree but anyway

You basically train people to respect you. He probably assumed that I'd come running at his beck and call, but now he knows better.

And I would disagree with some women.

If he doesn't respect you in the first place, there's a problem. You don't train people to respect you, and if you have to, yeah... there's a problem.

Respect is earned. It's on you to earn it. Do not forget that two parties are involved here. If you have to "train" them, then you don't deserve each other's respect in the first place.

It's also not good to make assumptions about people and their intentions, no matter what you think you know. Instead of jumping to conclusions, try communication to clarify the matter.

 

[Artisan]

I try to remain flexible in my thinking, really I do...

...it has all to do with how I understand a man's ego. I think we as INFJs can really get deep into another person's psyche. In retrospect, I think that men can't handle emotional intensity from a woman early on, even though subconsciously they crave it.

Nothing's wrong with women being intense early on if that's who they are, but if a guy cannot handle that, that just means that he is not the right person for you. To coldly generalize this is just.... wrong.

that does not mean that I need to change my emotional intensity to suit a man who is scared.

Of course that does not mean you need to chance your emotional intensity. Being yourself is a great way to filter all men who are not compatible with you.

But how am I being manipulative when I back off and don't initiate contact?

it feels like you're playing games with someone by doing that... I'd run too if I felt that I was interacting with someone who was emotionally manipulative towards me.

I did get angry that he would give me such a short notice. He's been online waiting for my reply and I can literally feel that he is panicking.

You're not officially dating yet, as such he has no such obligation. Don't you grasp that unlike you he does not feel that he is officially in a relationship yet?

He'd only panic if what he wants is a relationship with you. He might have felt like he should give you a solid answer and thus hoped for you to meet him,
but if it was a no and you just left him hanging, then he ain't feeling a thing and you will be the one wondering what hes thinking, whilst his mind is way somewhere else entirely.

Men take our interest in them for granted from the very beginning.

You keep waving around that men keep taking women for granted, but perhaps you attract those kinds of men because you take men for granted more then they do you...
That shallow generalization of all men will steer any supportive and sensitive men away from you, and those are the kind that generally are looking for (positive/healthy) emotional intensity.

This will teach him that women are not to be played with and not at one's beck and call. That said, he is a nice guy overall though.....just needs some training.

Honestly, being a assertive is great, but acts like these make me feel like you instead want to domineer another persons life.
Like hush said, we're not dogs and as a man I sure would not want to be treated like a dog with an abusive master.
(at-least be one of them hot dog loving girls who makes their dogs feel super special and loved ;p )

You basically train people to respect you.

I'm beginning to feel unwell, you do not train people to respect you, you earn their respect.
What you say is like using a whip with sharp stones attached to it to beat a horse bloody and raw if it does not do what you want,
instead of just patiently, gently guiding it until it grasps what you want it to do.

I said this earlier to youheimmein, but I think this counts for you as well Artemisia. A healthy relationship is when you and your beloved are to each-other a partner, and not a conquest.

Yet your choice of words in this topic indicate that not only does your approach mirror that of a conquest, but you also indicate strong negative emotions towards men,
to the point where I feel like you actually hate all of us, look down on us and/or feel superior to us.

If want you want is to have mutually supportive, loving, respectful and emotionally intense relationship then it would be good to tap into your positive side, take a more soft-handed approach and treat others as you want to be treated.

 

[Artemisia]

He'd only panic if what he wants is a relationship with you. He might have felt like he should give you a solid answer and thus hoped for you to meet him,
but if it was a no and you just left him hanging, then he ain't feeling a thing and you will be the one wondering what hes thinking, whilst his mind is way somewhere else entirely.

Right, right. He's only panic if he wants a relationship. Pray tell, then, why nearly all men I've dated and discarded in the past come back when I ignore them since most of them did not want a relationship in the beginning. And the more I ignore, the more they insist. If they are not feeling a thing, they wouldn't give a damn. But they persist, which suggests that what they are in for is an ego boost.

I used to date a guy like this whom I would ignore for months because our relationship started with me being hot and him being a bit lukewarm. So I just gave up and moved on. After repeated attempts on his part to get me to communicate with him, he messaged me that he was ready to move from Australia to the UK (where I lived) if I wanted it.

I've seen this scenario play out in my life and in my female friends' lives. The less you want a man, the more he wants you, even if originally he does not want a relationship.

 

[Artisan]

I've seen this scenario play out in my life and in my female friends' lives. The less you want a man, the more he wants you, even if originally he does not want a relationship.

I think this says more about the kind of men you and your friends are into than about all men in general.

 

[Artemisia]

I think this says more about the kind of men you and your friends are into than about all men in general.

Well, then we are talking about a large group of men, because I have a lot of female friends (and they have other female friends) and this is a constant.

My male cousin recently broke up with his girlfriend of 10 years. His complaint was that she was calling/texting him too much. Once she stopped communicating and running after him, he fell into pieces. It's all about ego with men.

 

[CindyLou]

I think that both sexes can act that way. I've had someone use this on me before and I fell hook line and sinker. If you like your ego fed, or you're using someone to boost your ego, you can be easily manipulated. Man or woman.

 

[Artemisia]

I think that both sexes can act that way. I've had someone use this on me before and I fell hook line and sinker. If you like your ego fed, or you're using someone to boost your ego, you can be easily manipulated. Man or woman.

Yes, I agree. I was very emotional and adoring with this one so there is no way in hell he is not going to panic with my no contact. I don't like doing this but it seems this is how men's subconscious works.

 

[the]

Men are pigs, even "nice" guys. Every last one is a filthy liar and would bed an attractive person outside a monogamous relationship if the opportunity presented and they knew they wouldn't get caught. Sorry, but you can think like a man and be called a slut, or you can let your sexual prime pass you by and dry up like a desert.

Agreed. Take away the consequences and people are gonna fuck. That's just life.

 

[Planned insanity]

I'm not sure your tactic will work, because if he is player he may, just go along with this for a while, and you may end up getting what you were trying to avoid. If he is a nice guy, he may end up feeling hurt and just leaving, which would be worse in my opinion. You may end up losing a good relationship.

However even if he cares enough, to try, and work this out, I have a feeling he will eventually start to feel like you are playing with his emotions, and leave. It also sounds like you've been wronged, but if he cares, he may be able to move past it, but not unless he has a chance.

I'm not saying don't act in a way, that shows the kind of relationship you want, but a lot of this just sounds like mind games. Also, do you think any of what he is doing could be related to Fi? I just mean, like that hot, and cold thing. Just a guess, so if I'm totally off ignore it. However, I'd recommend finding stuff like this out, because at any rate, there seems to be s lot of misunderstandings.