I spent most of my growing up years in the interior of British Columbia, Canada. Those years were spent living out in the country, with land, horses etc and no bus service or cable TV.
The land belonged to the First Nations people and I felt a lot of magical energy in the air around me all the time. There was a huge feeling of spirituality in that place. It was perfect for me to spend time alone there when I was young...
I remember a girl in my class once who's family were very strong Christians. I slept over at her house one saturday night and went to their Church with them the next morning. There I was told that it would be a very good idea if I came up and asked Jesus to enter my soul because if I didn't, then I was going to go to Hell. I remember being extremely uncomfortable and I felt as though something about that experience felt very violating, threatening and well... just very, very wrong. I did it anyway because I was young and scared and I felt trapped. Forced. I don't know if I could to this day, accept the Christian faith in all it's entirety and with all it's rules to be something that I could honestly adopt for myself. It semed as though the fear of this "loving God" was stronger than the "love" of Him.
I went home and went outside again for a hike up the mountain side to my usual place. I felt so much peace there and true, honest Love and connection to the energy around me, that I knew what had happened that morning was faulse. The next day I saw my friend at school and told her that I didn't want to give up talking to the wolves, the trees and the stars. She freaked out and told me that the Devil was trying to hold on to me and prevent me from accepting God, and that I would go to Hell for honoring those other forms of spirituality. I resented this but said nothing. This was one of my earliest memories of forming a lifelong judgement on a conviction where no one was ever going to make me bend when I felt otherwise.
I have spent time with Native people and I have experienced Sweat Lodges. I have attended Pow Wows and I felt peace, honor and so much respect that I remember weeping foolishly amoung them, hoping they would not notice. One of the Elders told me that I was an Enlightened one, and that life was a difficut journey for people like me.
I began to practice my intuition then. I would sit outside at the bottom propperty overlooking the highgway and the North Thompson river and listen for traffic. I would do this to use my intuition to hone in on vehicles before I could see them, and I would get a 'feeling' about the color of the vehicle. I began to get better as I learned to truly relax and just trust my 6th sense. As usual, I never told anyone this ever (actually, this is the first time I have shared this), because most people out there would think I was even wierder than they already did.
So, I guess being at peace outdoors, even at night is something that comes natural to me. I have an intuitive sense that one day, I will live out on the land somewhere and just be connected to nature and the energies aound me. I hope to live near First nations people again too.
The major problem for me to really become a monk now is the lack of belief in traditional religion. I can appreciate some of its social applications, as... as a state of human spirit; the devotion to it. But you can have the same devotion to something else, that you are more inclined to believe in.
