Hobbies and Social Time in Relationship

splott

splott

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INFJ
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5/6: self pres
When I was single, I had all these things I did. I went to Archery and choir and coffee-discussion-group with my friends, I had some crafty-things I was doing at home, I read a lot, I was pretty much as busy as i wanted to be. Video games and such were time-fillers, I enjoy them but not enough to make time for them, so they filled in the gaps here and there, sometimes I played a lot, sometimes very little.
When I got a boyfriend a lot of this fell by the wayside...I choose to make time for him, I traded people-time and activities with other friends for people-time and activities with him (and friends, we do group stuff together), I do different things now and that's generally ok with me.

But he (and past bfs too) seems to get the impression that I am just always free, that I have/had nothing going on in my life, nothing else to do, and all I do now is all there is. Some of that is related to my tendency to mildly-obsess, and let all the other activities fall off the radar...and some of it is that he has a car and I don't, and that enables me to do things I couldn't otherwise (I can take the bus but that adds 45m-1hr to every trip, for a lot of things i'd rather just stay home).

I know the obvious answer is to go back to some or all of my old activities, and demonstrate to my other friends that they too are important, and show the bf that I have other things to do and he should appreciate that i choose to spend time with him.

But...*inarticulate groan* how do other people manage this? how do you get enough alone time, plus enough couple-time, plus enough friend-time....???
 
It just seems like scheduling to me. How about just selecting one thing to begin with and add more as appropriate? I think that you wanting to do this is actually very healthy and admirable.
 
Well for me personally, I don't live with my boyfriend so we only spend 3-4 nights a week together. That being said we talk waaaay too much lol, even in our alone time we're talking and gaming together XD. He told me he likes to have his alone time and time with his friends and I remember taking it really hard when he first told me. It didn't help that I had depression at this point, lol, so I took it as he wanted a part-time girlfriend and I was really offended. After I had treatment for my depression, I realised I need time alone and time with my friends during the week, too so 3-4 nights works for us :D

You can always try something like that? I get all my alone time and friend time on days I'm not with him so on days I am with him, we get plenty of couple time without distractions :D
 
It all depends on what you and bf's and other people have in common, at the core. When you have an important activity or value in common, you wind up spending more time with the people who share the same stuff. (hobbies, church, playing sports, volunteer activities) it can get even more confusing by the time you are married and have children, really, because then you look on tv and see everyone in the sitcoms coming over to their neighbors houses and yukking it up, relaxing, and having a good time....and life isn't like that most of the time for most people! At least, here in the USA it isn't. 3rd world countries -- YEAH, you can picture that.....

long story short if you do have your personal priorities in order and let your personality shine through, you will be doing the right thing and of course then people will pick up where you left off with them with not too much of a problem. "Life can never be controlled - only managed' (Anonymous quote.)
 
cocobean said:
Well for me personally, I don't live with my boyfriend so we only spend 3-4 nights a week together. That being said we talk waaaay too much lol, even in our alone time we're talking and gaming together XD. He told me he likes to have his alone time and time with his friends and I remember taking it really hard when he first told me. It didn't help that I had depression at this point, lol, so I took it as he wanted a part-time girlfriend and I was really offended. After I had treatment for my depression, I realised I need time alone and time with my friends during the week, too so 3-4 nights works for us :D

You can always try something like that? I get all my alone time and friend time on days I'm not with him so on days I am with him, we get plenty of couple time without distractions :D
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Ah, that's...actually how it is right now, and it's too much for him. Therein lies the problem...
 
It's hard to tell if it's too much time with me or time with people in general...he came over last night and he swears it's proximity-to-people in general, and even if he's gaming with me from his own place it helps cuz he's not WITH anyone.

Heh, it's funny how similar we are...I am very very similar, except my job is alone at home, so I get all my alone-time needs met during the day.
 
I really think it's important for us INFJ's to actually get our alone time. I'm not saying it's less important for other types, but what I am saying is, is that if an INFJ does not actively seek time away from their partner and what they like to do, they may well have a tendancy to allow what they do to be dictated to them by others in the hope to keep everyone else happy and totally ignoring themselves.

I did this with my husband, and it resulted in him thinking that I was completely happy with his choices of hobbies, restaurants etc, when I wasn't.

and it came out in an argument rather than in a civil discussion.
I think assertiveness early on is really important and an understanding that it's fine that you spend time together and do things together, but your interests are important too, and relate to your wellbeing and happiness just as much as having time with your partner.
 
kiu said:
It just seems like scheduling to me. How about just selecting one thing to begin with and add more as appropriate? I think that you wanting to do this is actually very healthy and admirable.
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Pretty much this. In my opinion it just comes down to communication and negotiation. You should be able to work something out that works for both of you without putting any strain on either. Nothing wrong with a little trial & error to find out what works either..
 
I was reading an interesting article today which may or may not help. I was google searching 'brain thinks like a child' because I was looking for the specific name of the disorder or description of the type where people have so much trauma in their childhood that even in adulthood they think like children- not acting like children such as being irresponsible and being immature but I mean in the sense that they cannot think in metaphorical terms and take everything literally, have a hard time grasping the concept of time and numbers and everything.....

BUT I could not find anything related to that and my keywords instead brought up an article that looked like it was what I was talking about in the google blurb but it was actually something totally different which might actually help you.

The article I ended up locating was from some dating guru site that seemed to perhaps be based in spirituality maybe? It had weird graphics. But what I read was interesting. One of the things it explained is that when someone is not in a relationship, they are being the authoritative figure of their own life. The article clarified they didn't mean that as in the dictator or ruler or boss or manager of the life, but the authoritative figure, with an emphasis on author in that word, as in an author of a book. You get to decide what 'you' are all about, what you spend your time on and your hobbies, and it's kind of that way because you have no one else to direct your life but you. You're single. Then it went on to say that when you're in a relationship sometimes people will continue to try to operate in authoritative mode, even thought it no longer applies because you're not the author of your life anymore, it's a collaborative effort and now you can create what time there is with your partner and you no longer need to fill in the time with aspirations or hobbies or what have you because you are not the sole author anymore.

For whatever reason, that kind of struck me when I read this thread. You seem to sort of still be thinking in authoritative mode- you are not behaving that way, but you seem to be thinking that way. I'm not saying give up your hobbies and dreams and goals just to spend time with your partner, not at all, but perhaps think about ways that you are being in single-mode and try to put this in a partner mode. I can't really suggest what 'partner-mode' is since I've never been in a relationship, romantic at least, but good luck! Hope this helps at least a tadbit.
 
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