How do you build rapport with an INFJ?

this thread is making me miss my one infj bff from IRL so much :m142: i'm full on crying right now and texting him about how much i miss him.

it used to be so easy to talk to him. we'd talk for hours and hours every night on messenger and on the phone about absolutely anything, or just put our phones on our desks and play music in silence for hours just to have one anothers company. i've known him for 10 years. my asian family even eventually trusted me to have sleepovers with people at his house without fear of him raping me! lol.

i'm so out of touch with what's going on in his life now. :( i can't even remember the last time we've really hung out or had a real conversation. maybe half a year ago, and that was like the only one out of two in one year. he used to initiate or call me out to hang out all the time, actually. when we had our last real conversation on messenger he talked about how i'd always be important to him and when i stopped coming out and was depressed he didn't know what to do and was always scared for me and felt useless for not being able to help, and how he felt so bad for leaving because he didnt like hanging out with our other friends but didnt know how he could tell me he still wanted to be there for me. and i told him about how i always saw how badly our other friends treated him, even though it was just really subtle things every time but i knew it was wrong of them to do it and it would build up, and i always felt bad for not standing up for him unless it was really big things because he wouldnt stand up for himself effectively, but i didnt want to undermine his manliness because that was something hes always been insecure about, and that somehow i knew he didnt hate me because he would still say hi specially to me in the hallways and stuff.

ok there, i got it out.

[MENTION=4759]GYX_Kid[/MENTION] what i have observed is that infjs, either irl, or when i'm in a situation where an infj is with me in the presence of other intps, the infjs will tend to take special interest towards me unless they have hobbies that they share with the other people / intps. the main difference between me and the intps is that a) i whine about my personal life more (just like i did above!) and, b) i do more bizarre shit openly ... in general, i'm more open/trusting about my life even if the people around me aren't, and it makes me seem more "candid", and it seems to entice infjs into wanting to do bonding fun thingies with me, share their wisdom, whine about their personal lives back, etc. these things might be unnatural for most intps to do, so i think a simpler route to take would be bonding via mutual hobbies, and then slowly sharing more about your personal life and slowly having them become closer to you in return. though keep in mind, many infjs and intps will be operating on a different dynamic than what is typical to them, so you have to be open to reading and interpreting new cues that the other person gives you about how they are.
 
Vict said:
They require consistency and a complete absence of bullshit.
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Damnit! That's so fucking right on! How the hell did you do that!? :O
 
niffer said:
.... didnt know how he could tell me he still wanted to be there for me. and i told him about how i always saw how badly our other friends treated him, even though it was just really subtle things every time but i knew it was wrong of them to do it and it would build up, and i always felt bad for not standing up for him unless it was really big things because he wouldnt stand up for himself effectively, but i didnt want to undermine his manliness because that was something hes always been insecure about, and that somehow i knew he didnt hate me because he would still say hi specially to me in the hallways and stuff.
.... b) i do more bizarre shit openly ... in general, i'm more open/trusting about my life even if the people around me aren't, and it makes me seem more "candid", and it seems to entice infjs into wanting to do bonding fun thingies with me, share their wisdom, whine about their personal lives back, etc. these things might be unnatural for most intps to do, so i think a simpler route to take would be bonding via mutual hobbies, and then slowly sharing more about your personal life and slowly having them become closer to you in return.
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You sound a lot like an ENFP friend of mine. The thing about ENFPs is that they are successfully open about themselves and attract my openness as well. However, their agenda always seems to be to see through me and then pounce on me for my faults, as if they were the guardians of ethics and right action. They seem to have a keen skill of overwhelming my life by creating dependence on them - a common characteristic of NFs, but of a peculiar degree in ENFPs. My INFP friend seems to have a similar way of doing this that is objectionable, but ENFPs seem to want to take over my attention and life, which I resent. I know an ENFP when I see one. They stand out very profoundly and are profoundly different from ENFJs.

I know a self-reported ENFP and ENFJ respectively, and they are very different. ENFJs seem a bit controlling, but they don't have the same kind of determination to expose everything about people. I find it very annoying that one ENFP (as I typed her) openly interpreted to others the mood and thoughts of her own boyfriend. What business do these ENFPs have?? They seem to be the quintessential busybodies. No offense. I can't help but put up boundaries from ENFPs.
 
Vict said:
They require consistency and a complete absence of bullshit.
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With this insight alone, you sound much closer to an INTJ than ISTJ. Although my ISTJ roommate and ISTJ acquaintance may experience my requirement for consistency/genuineness, it seems that only an INTJ could actually sense and come to such a definitive and thoughtful conclusion. I admire your insight greatly, for I know that INTJs have a strong requirement for "absence of bullshit" as well.

And a "complete absence of bullshit" means no hidden agenda and no cloak.... i.e., I need to hear who you really are and what your real opinion is. And this is what I like about a lot of SPs, for example. I admire some SJ's for the same exact reason, although there are quite a few divided SJ souls who seem to purposely deny their own dividedness.

Here's a nice INFJ rabbit trail on this.... Some people are so ambitious to discover the hidden things of others or dig up the wrongdoings of others while covering up themselves. This too is a cloak. The hidden agenda is to reveal and then to maim someone's reputation or spirit, while the truth is their own desire to relate to someone else. This is the classic Bully mentality - they bully those who they identify most with emotionally but attempt to make their targets subservient to them.

This is clearly not the way to build rapport. There is a way to build rapport. Rapport is obtained through diplomacy, fairness, devotion, trust, mutual respect, and respect of privacy - traits that some INTPs, ISTJs, ENFPs, and ENFJs have not learned.
 
knight in battle said:
They seem to have a keen skill of overwhelming my life by creating dependence on them - a common characteristic of NFs, but of a peculiar degree in ENFPs. My INFP friend seems to have a similar way of doing this that is objectionable, but ENFPs seem to want to take over my attention and life, which I resent.
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and how does this happen without you allowing it to? also, how does this pertain to my post?
 
purplecrayons said:
I don't want to be the one putting most of the work into a relationship. I will, if I get decent feedback, but, I need signs of interest, and I prefer others to initiate communication or get togethers, because I hate to ask for things, due to pride, and fear of rejection. Infjs observe, and try to figure people out before engaging. We like to get a read on motive, and sincerity. I will start detaching if the communication lapses for too long, and assume I am not important to someone. I never want to be the one who cares more, though secretly I will harbor feelings for a long time, but I will try to ignore them. I prefer to be fine without people, and don't care to need them. People have to consistently communicate with me, or I will start letting them go. Not sure if this is helpful.

I also mirror what Jgirl, lerxst, and subwayrider said above. Really solid advice.
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couldn't have said it better myself. . .
 
niffer said:
and how does this happen without you allowing it to? also, how does this pertain to my post?
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Exactly. This is exactly the kind of interrogation that I don't like from ENFP. No offense. There's no tact from your words. No explanation, just straight interrogation. Total bullshit.
 
knight in battle said:
Exactly. This is exactly the kind of interrogation that I don't like from ENFP. No offense. There's no tact from your words. No explanation, just straight interrogation. Total bullshit.
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what the hell? i don't even know you, and you seemed to be insinuating something offensive about the way my friendship was with my infj friend. furthermore, i don't see why YOU can't explain yourself and why you don't see throwing something out at me like that that as bullshit and tactless? how could i have even said something like that more tactfully? what is wrong with asking questions, and yes, it is totally because i am on the defensive about what you posted.
 
niffer said:
how could i have even said something like that more tactfully? what is wrong with asking questions, and yes, it is totally because i am on the defensive about what you posted.
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It's about how you ask a question like "and how does this happen without you allowing it to?" This question seems to accuse me of being at fault. I don't like accusations. If you feel that I am responsible, wouldn't it be a lot nicer to say this is what you feel than to make an accusation? If you didn't mean to be accusatory, then I apologize, but this is how I have interpreted your question.
 
When I build a rapport with people, I'd have to say that personal boundaries are important.

There are some types that just rub me the wrong way. It doesn't mean they're better or worse. It doesn't mean they're healthier or I'm healthier. It could be entirely subjective - but then again, INFJ's prefer to be subjective, anyway.

Let me just pick on my experiences with ENFPs. I know one person who self-identifies as ENFP. I know two or three others who I have typed as ENFP.

I have a general view that ENFP's often rub me the wrong way. They're always trying to "get" more from me. Granted, I sometimes enjoy bantering with them, but after a while, it becomes clear that I don't have the energy to continue. Do they point out things bluntly in order to get me to reveal things about myself? I don't know. All I know is that I've had a friend (that I've typed as ENFP) who seems to love complaining about things. I don't dislike hearing about complaints, but sometimes when I complain about similar issues or engage in that conversation, she'll try to lengthen the conversation to an emotionally connected level that is like sabotage to my own identity. Fairly typical of the ENFP/INFJ connection, which is why I've kept my distance and have instinctively denied a friend request on facebook from two friends who I typed as ENFP.
 
knight in battle said:
It's about how you ask a question like "and how does this happen without you allowing it to?" This question seems to accuse me of being at fault. I don't like accusations. If you feel that I am responsible, wouldn't it be a lot nicer to say this is what you feel than to make an accusation? If you didn't mean to be accusatory, then I apologize, but this is how I have interpreted your question.
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Well, lol, it is the interwebs and tone is questionable. Ok, I'm guessing you responded badly to it because it was a combination of that with a lack of background information (like you said, "lack of explanation")? I think I intended it for be kind of neutral, to get to the point and get my answers. I'm not sure that I feel you're responsible, it's just that I don't understand how you could let it happen to you without your involvement, since that isn't something you covered -- how exactly the "getting you to be emotionally dependent on them" works. It's not like I was trying to be nice and make friends, because I was offended, because, again, I felt like it wasn't really explained what part of my post related to what you said and it seemed pretty degrading towards me (as well as a couple different other MBTI types, which I thought were bizarrely compilated and that wasn't explained either), so I didn't feel the need to contribute to a "nice" or "tactful" wording. If you are willing to explain things too, then that's fine.
 
knight in battle said:
I have a general view that ENFP's often rub me the wrong way. They're always trying to "get" more from me. Granted, I sometimes enjoy bantering with them, but after a while, it becomes clear that I don't have the energy to continue. Do they point out things bluntly in order to get me to reveal things about myself? I don't know. All I know is that I've had a friend (that I've typed as ENFP) who seems to love complaining about things. I don't dislike hearing about complaints, but sometimes when I complain about similar issues or engage in that conversation, she'll try to lengthen the conversation to an emotionally connected level that is like sabotage to my own identity. Fairly typical of the ENFP/INFJ connection, which is why I've kept my distance and have instinctively denied a friend request on facebook from two friends who I typed as ENFP.
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I've experienced something like this with a couple INFJs I've known, but not with the majority of them. I don't think I've ever "pointed things out bluntly" about them, but I've dated one definite INFJ (briefly) and one IXFJ (for a couple years), and there were points in time when a lot of bantering took place. The first one always initiated it, but it was more like heated discussion. The second one, I never really bantered with at all or had any problems with until I became very severely depressed, and then he liked to point out all the time that I always complained and was being a very negative person lol, and that I always disagreed with him when we discussed things. I was, but ironically he complained and was negative towards me just as much as I was negative about my own life situation. We always discussed things until we could come to a conclusion though, and though we got over the "complaining at each other" phase, I don't think we ever stopped bantering, and it took too much eneergy out of us. The only two self-typed ENFPs I've met irl I thought were total assholes, and I very rarely dislike people... I could definitely feel a "trying to get more from me" vibe from them, love of complaining about things, and general disrespect or disregard of the feelings of others.

In any case, it's not recommended to dismiss everyone of a type you interact with based on your limited experiences with them, but it does make sense to do so based on your experiences, so that is your own discretion.
 
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