How Much Importance Do INFJS Give To Discussing Personal Matters?

[Vigilance]

As the title explains, I am curious to know what INFJs are really like. As an INTJ, I have found myself to get along with INFJs; however, most INFJs have been angered at me before for not expressing my emotions to them or talking about my personal life so readily or openly. Do INFJs expect you to discuss emotions or expect you to discuss something personal with them without them having to ask you first? How important are these discussions to INFJs? Does it help you learn more about the person?

One INFJ friend once got mad at me for not talking about my family around him. This kind of threw me off because I am very private and do not readily talk about my family unless asked. He expected me to tell him more about my family and my relationship with them. I had told him the basics about my family once before, but he wanted to know more. One day he exploded and said I don't know if I can trust you as a friend, you never talk to me about 'personal things' like family. It was as if he expected me to tell him about my family and talk about my relationship with them without him even having to ask me. I was really confused and kind of shocked, honestly. This was a good friend of mine since high school of course. It kind of made me feel real awkward , but I told him more about my family and asked him what exactly he would like to know. I'm curious as to what all this was about and the trust?

So I just wanted to know how important these topics are for you. Feel free to ask more if my question is not readily clear.

 

[James]

As the title explains, I am curious to know what INFJs are really like. As an INTJ, I have found myself to get along with INFJs; however, most INFJs have been angered at me before for not expressing my emotions to them or talking about my personal life so readily or openly. Do INFJs expect you to discuss emotions or expect you to discuss something personal with them without them having to ask you first? How important are these discussions to INFJs? Does it help you learn more about the person?

One INFJ friend once got mad at me for not talking about my family around him. This kind of threw me off because I am very private and do not readily talk about my family unless asked. He expected me to tell him more about my family and my relationship with them. I had told him the basics about my family once before, but he wanted to know more. One day he exploded and said I don't know if I can trust you as a friend, you never talk to me about 'personal things' like family. It was as if he expected me to tell him about my family and talk about my relationship with them without him even having to ask me. I was really confused and kind of shocked, honestly. This was a good friend of mine since high school of course. It kind of made me feel real awkward , but I told him more about my family and asked him what exactly he would like to know. I'm curious as to what all this was about and the trust?

So I just wanted to know how important these topics are for you. Feel free to ask more if my question is not readily clear.

Most times I've gotten on well with intj, the few I haven't usually seemed to view empathy as some kind of weakness. I'd guess your infj friend was hoping you'd open up more and express your feelings, rather than just the facts about your situation.

Perhaps you did, and they were just being temperamental. Infj can be notoriously slow to open up ourselves, so maybe they wanted to with you but wanted you to "go first".' We're somewhat prone to being over sensitive or difficult if we're uncomfortable about something. Perhaps if you find the right time and gently ask them, they'll tell you what was bothering them.

 

[Flavus Aquila]

@Vigilance
INFJs are always making imputations about people's motives. I think they get uncomfortable if you don't give them enough information, so that they can read what you're intending. It's like they cannot engage as well with what you are discussing, unless they can implicitly engage with you.

 

[CindyLou]

If I talk about personal stuff and you never reciprocate with any personal information about yourself over time I will begin to take it as a sign that you are making no effort and also that you don't care to give me the opportunity to get to know you better. It's an exchange. If I give you a piece of information about me, you're supposed to reciprocate with an experience or story to continue the conversation so each person has one more piece to put together who the other person is. Anyway, that's how it works. Over time this can be really frustrating if one person is opening up and the other person never does especially if they want a more personal friendship and INFJs don't really like the surface-y stuff.

 

[Sandie33]

Do INFJs expect you to discuss emotions or expect you to discuss something personal with them without them having to ask you first? How important are these discussions to INFJs? Does it help you learn more about the person?

I'm curious as to what all this was about and the trust?

Trusting anyone as an INFJ is difficult. Especially if said INFJ has experienced pain in a past similar experience. We trust quickly when the other person is authentic. We have an uncanny ability to know when a person is holding back or being dishonest in some way. Speaking for myself, I often mistakenly think a person is being deceptive when after knowing them for a time they become less forthcoming with personal information. Usually it is because they are stuggling with something.

Do INFJs expect you to discuss emotions or expect you to discuss something personal with them without them having to ask you first?
---again, the expectation is authenticity. The more you share the broader and deeper we feel a connection with you.


How important are these discussions to INFJs?
---for myself, very!
Myself, as well as several other INFJ have a craving for information, the more the better, and often about anything. We like facts, details, data...We are akin to INTJ in this way. However, INTJ like proof of information, and facts that create logical sequence...INFJ are able to take a few facts and think up all sort of "possibilities" based on adding or removing information to the original facts...it is a huge difference of INTJ (logic thought) and INFJ (abstract thought).


Does it help you learn more about the person?
Yes! The more the better! It's natural for an INFJ to want to know every detail good or bad about, or affecting the person. It's how we decide if you are "Ok" or "not Ok".

In all honesty, I've misunderstood some INTJ's because of our analytical differences. :/

 

[Vigilance]

All this makes a lot more sense now. @Sandie33, You have described everything which my friend displayed. I feel like you described him perfectly.

1. I often mistakenly think a person is being deceptive when after knowing them for a time they become less forthcoming with personal information. Usually it is because they are struggling with something.

2. Does it help you learn more about the person?
Yes! The more the better! It's natural for an INFJ to want to know every detail good or bad about, or affecting the person. It's how we decide if you are "Ok" or "not Ok".

3. In all honesty, I've misunderstood some INTJ's because of our analytical differences. :/

1. I guess that is how my friend felt. I just did not like to open up. We had known each other for a while, and I guess he felt I was being deceptive. Now, that I replay the scenario in my head, this had to be it. I remember the scenario very well and how he said what he did.

2. This too, he must have been finally deciding if I was "OK" or not.

3. This is what set us a part. We were both barley out of high school, and he as a strong T probably felt dominated by my presence.

 

[Vigilance]

I figured I am just as slow to open up as an INFJ. I have had a similar experience with another INFJ (female). We both usually opened up late, but we did. She would, however, not be so angry with me for not expressing myself to her sooner. We eventually got involved romantically (in a very complicated way) and opened up more. I had some of my best times in life talking to her because she taught me how to be more open about my feelings. :].

 

[Soulfire]

I'm unable to feel connected with someone who doesn't open up. That said, this doesn't mean i can't be friends with them. I always go out of my way to make people feel at ease around me and I only expect close friends to open up to me.

If I want to have a close relationship with someone, they need to be able to open up on their own without me pulling information out of them all the time. I want them to want to talk to me...if that makes sense. Or else I feel a strong disconnect..

INFJ/P's are very interested in knowing the real you...they have a genuine interest in who you are fundamentally. They are also very understanding and all you need to do is communicate...communicate how you are a bit slower at opening up, tell them your fears etc. Keeping them in the know about how you feel will make them feel more connected to you.

 

[Vigilance]

I'm unable to feel connected with someone who doesn't open up. That said, this doesn't mean i can't be friends with them. I always go out of my way to make people feel at ease around me and I only expect close friends to open up to me.

If I want to have a close relationship with someone, they need to be able to open up on their own without me pulling information out of them all the time. I want them to want to talk to me...if that makes sense. Or else I feel a strong disconnect..

INFJ/P's are very interested in knowing the real you...they have a genuine interest in who you are fundamentally. They are also very understanding and all you need to do is communicate...communicate how you are a bit slower at opening up, tell them your fears etc. Keeping them in the know about how you feel will make them feel more connected to you.

Yeah, that sounds more like it. As an INTJ, I am fundamentally interested in getting to know the real person as well. However, I am late to discussing personal matters like family, etc. Thanks for your advice. I have learned how to communicate with INFJs much better now lol. :].

 

[Sandie33]

All this makes a lot more sense now. @Sandie33, You have described everything which my friend displayed. I feel like you described him perfectly.



1. I guess that is how my friend felt. I just did not like to open up. We had known each other for a while, and I guess he felt I was being deceptive. Now, that I replay the scenario in my head, this had to be it. I remember the scenario very well and how he said what he did.

2. This too, he must have been finally deciding if I was "OK" or not.

3. This is what set us a part. We were both barley out of high school, and he as a strong T probably felt dominated by my presence.

Are you still friends? Perhaps you can talk with him and explain that you do not feel comfortable sharing info?

I wish you good luck. Happy I was able to help you a bit.

 

[Vigilance]

@Sandie33, Yes we are (more like far away acquaintances now), but we both are pretty busy in our lives at the moment. He is busy with his girlfriend, and I got multiple things I am trying to balance. We talked about a year ago.

His questioning and wanting to get me more was not the reason what drifted us a part. I was just wondering if this was an INFJ thing in general and was relating my experience with him. This situation occurred a while back, and I was just curious.

 

[invisible]

I think your friend behaved strangely. I don't understand why he exploded rather than just asking you about what he wanted to know. I don't think I behave like that. Maybe he thought that it was a sign that you didn't trust him.

 

[Sandie33]

@Sandie33, Yes we are (more like far away acquaintances now), but we both are pretty busy in our lives at the moment. He is busy with his girlfriend, and I got multiple things I am trying to balance. We talked about a year ago.

His questioning and wanting to get me more was not the reason what drifted us a part. I was just wondering if this was an INFJ thing in general and was relating my experience with him. This situation occurred a while back, and I was just curious.

Oh, I see.

 

[hn87c901]

Opening up takes the friendship to a deeper level. I feel as though the person doesn't really want a friendship with me if they don't open up after a while. I mistakenly feel that they don't trust me or are too busy with other things to involve me in their real life. If the conversation is about facts and happenings I feel a loneliness when around that person, or a mistrust. I want to know the good and the bad. There is no judgement just an access to connection that to me is important in relationships.

 

[MrSquared]

I've been friends with a couple different INTJs over the years, and they all feel like cousins to me (in terms of understanding). We're all rather similar, in a sense that we're all capable of going off on highly intuitive tangents about whatever sets us off. But I really think that our motivators are different. My known INTJs all seem to desire interpersonal rapport for the sake of reason, efficiency, knowledge, understanding, etc. They don't necessarily need this, but perhaps it makes things easier or something. Tangible, and external are two words which come to mind when I think about such discussions.

Whereas (due to my Fe) I'm more highly motivated by the status of the relationship, the desire for that external feeling of ease and mutual understanding. From what I've seen, our differences don't often inhibit our conversation. On the contrary, I know I that I can start up an incredibly deep conversation with any (well developed and well trusted) INTJ and not worry have to about losing them along the way.

I feel like I have the conversation to benefit the relationship. Not sure why they're truly willing have it. But some INTJs have told me that they want to figure people out. What makes them tick, etc. Potentially for personal use perhaps? I'm not sure...

 

[Ryso89]

If I talk about personal stuff and you never reciprocate with any personal information about yourself over time I will begin to take it as a sign that you are making no effort and also that you don't care to give me the opportunity to get to know you better. It's an exchange. If I give you a piece of information about me, you're supposed to reciprocate with an experience or story to continue the conversation so each person has one more piece to put together who the other person is. Anyway, that's how it works. Over time this can be really frustrating if one person is opening up and the other person never does especially if they want a more personal friendship and INFJs don't really like the surface-y stuff.

Spot on!!!

 

[highlighter]

what you have described is a very common NT behavior. I have brought this up before in another thread but to help out I will do so here to assist in the understanding for INTJs and INFJs.

Basically you kept the INFJ on a need to know basis. All my friends are NTs. and they all do this. ENTPs INTPs INTJs.... basically when the INFJ asked you the correct question ...a personal question you than answered it again on a needs too know basis "what would you like to know"

understand that while INTJ and INFJ are great friends this type of communication is super frustrating for the INFJ to the point where they wont trust you as you stated because from the INFJ pov you are lying.

I in no way am placing blame nor do i wish to engage in a debate about what is and is not lying. But for sake of understanding why the INFJ got upset it comes down to thinking that withholding personal info is lying.

Now all the NTs i know (ENTPs are far more emotional advanced.) dont like to open up and with good reason feelings are not your strong suit you are rationals logics.....

However......
what you dont know.
is that your INFJ KNOWS THIS...
the infj is most likely frustrated like mad because the INFJ knows that if there is one person ONE person in this world that you can trust your emotions with ....its the INFJ.

Yes you should be cautious of showing those NT feelings to basically ANY OTHER Type but the INFj prob finds it insulting because you dont really know what a gift of a friend that INFJ is. thus the INFJ thinks you dont truly know them or understand them ...they dont call them counselors for nothing.
and the INFJ doesnt want to figure you out...nor get intell too use at a later date.
the INFJ simply wants a deep bond. and nothing more.

I hope this helps my best friend is an INTJ and talking to him is like PULLING TEETH.
unless hes drunk.
so I usually drink with him !

 

[CindyLou]

what you have described is a very common NT behavior. I have brought this up before in another thread but to help out I will do so here to assist in the understanding for INTJs and INFJs.

Basically you kept the INFJ on a need to know basis. All my friends are NTs. and they all do this. ENTPs INTPs INTJs.... basically when the INFJ asked you the correct question ...a personal question you than answered it again on a needs too know basis "what would you like to know"

understand that while INTJ and INFJ are great friends this type of communication is super frustrating for the INFJ to the point where they wont trust you as you stated because from the INFJ pov you are lying.

I in no way am placing blame nor do i wish to engage in a debate about what is and is not lying. But for sake of understanding why the INFJ got upset it comes down to thinking that withholding personal info is lying.

Now all the NTs i know (ENTPs are far more emotional advanced.) dont like to open up and with good reason feelings are not your strong suit you are rationals logics.....

However......
what you dont know.
is that your INFJ KNOWS THIS...
the infj is most likely frustrated like mad because the INFJ knows that if there is one person ONE person in this world that you can trust your emotions with ....its the INFJ.

Yes you should be cautious of showing those NT feelings to basically ANY OTHER Type but the INFj prob finds it insulting because you dont really know what a gift of a friend that INFJ is. thus the INFJ thinks you dont truly know them or understand them ...they dont call them counselors for nothing.
and the INFJ doesnt want to figure you out...nor get intell too use at a later date.
the INFJ simply wants a deep bond. and nothing more.

I hope this helps my best friend is an INTJ and talking to him is like PULLING TEETH.
unless hes drunk.
so I usually drink with him !

Great post.

 

[Zen]

Some INTJs have told me that they want to figure people out. What makes them tick, etc. Potentially for personal use perhaps? I'm not sure...

Haven't figured it out yet SeanSquared?

 

[Zen]

As the title explains, I am curious to know what INFJs are really like. As an INTJ, I have found myself to get along with INFJs; however, most INFJs have been angered at me before for not expressing my emotions to them or talking about my personal life so readily or openly. Do INFJs expect you to discuss emotions?

Bingo. This is exactly what an INFJ would like from you. I can imagine this would be very difficult for an INTJ. I wanted to create a thread once. How can one letter make such a big difference? IN(F)J & IN(T)J. We seem an ocean apart. Often the INFJ asks why? The best and most memorable relationships in my life were experienced by the profound individual who could answer why.

Why do you like me?

Or in an intimate relationship... Why do you love me?

If my friend or lover could not answer this question in spades.....

Well.... Pfffff! You better start practicing.