how to get him to listen to me and validate my opinions?

[not sure]

I so relate to this but be careful still, @Morgain . There are right and wrong ways to treat people. If he refuses to take your point of view then he is abusive. Taking another person's point of view is not difficult if fundamentally you are a generous person. It is impossible if you are a narcissist. They can distract you by always pointing out your flaws while never acknowledging their own. It can be difficult to face that you've made a misjudgement but it's better to face it than to waste your time.

Here's something else to think about, Morgain. What was your very first encounter with him like? What was your first impression? Sometimes, we know the truth from the beginning.

My father always undermined my own decisions and reasoning. Not that it lead to dramatic situations or abuse.

It does not have to be dramatic Morgain for it to be abuse. In fact the lack of drama is often why they can get away with it in the full view of others.

This is a quote from Malcolm Gladwell's Blink.

Paul Ekman has developed a number of simple tests of people's mind-reading abilities; in one, he plays a short clip of a a dozen or so people claiming to have done something that they either have or haven't actually done, and the test taker's task is to figure out who is lying. The tests are surprisingly difficult. Most people come out right at the level of chance. But who does well? People who have practiced. Stroke victims who have lost the ability to speak, for example, are virtuosos, because their infirmity has forced them to become far more sensitive to the information written on people's faces. People who have had highly abusive childhoods also do well; like stroke victims, they've had to practice the difficult art of reading minds, in their case the minds of alcoholic or violent parents.

I'm not making a judgement on you, your parent or your relationship. What I'm pointing out is that you have previous experience with undermining and this may have heightened your sensitivity in terms of accurate prediction and may not be hyper-sensitivity as you believe.

 

[Nixie]

There is also the craziness one feels at the start of a relationship to consider as well. Sometimes, when we have strong feelings for someone and it all so new and exciting, it becomes overwhelming and we can start to spiral. Some go crazy happy and dance around and act foolish--some get scared and start to worry and fall into overanalyzing. I still suggest that you give yourself some time and keep thinking things through. We sometimes "act" because we want to find an outlet for all our pent up frustration and anxiety--I am telling you that you have time to just keep thinking things thru and finding your path. There is not overriding need to "act" or come to some "decision"--just keep working at figuring it all out.

 

[Niefankaz]

I'm starting to believe that the problem is mine

That is completely wrong! Developing self-confidence takes time, and due to your upbringing, you are still building yours. But that does NOT mean you are at fault.

Your boyfriend is clearly not treating you appropriately. If my partner was hyper-sensitive and had low self-confidence, I would get frustrated occasionally but I would NEVER be dismissive. Instead, I would empower her. I would understand her challenges and therefore try to encourage her self-confidence.

Your boyfriend simply does not do this. He is not sensitive to you. He absolutely loves you, but relationships happen in the real world. He loves you in his head, but that doesn't mean he knows how to love you in practice. I agree that he is a good guy, but he just hasn't learned the skills necessary to be supportive to someone like you. Leave him, and find a relationship where you feel encouraged and empowered to speak your mind.

 

[Gaze]

He loves you in his head, but that doesn't mean he knows how to love you in practice. I agree that he is a good guy, but he just hasn't learned the skills necessary to be supportive to someone like you.

Nicely put.

 

[Nixie]

@Niefankaz ;

I understand your position but I am afraid I have to disagree. One of the overriding factors for the basis of my opinion is that the relationship is only one month old. If they were in a long term relationship and still having issues, I could see that there were deep underlying problems which would make salvaging the relationship questionable.

IMO, this is normal "new couple" anxiety regarding how to handle problems. Depending on how they are able to overcome difficulties at this stage in their relationship is a vital part in building a good, solid relationship. I advise to keep muddling thru it and working at making/finding ways to understand each other.

 

[Morgain]

@Niefankaz ;

I understand your position but I am afraid I have to disagree. One of the overriding factors for the basis of my opinion is that the relationship is only one month old. If they were in a long term relationship and still having issues, I could see that there were deep underlying problems which would make salvaging the relationship questionable.

IMO, this is normal "new couple" anxiety regarding how to handle problems. Depending on how they are able to overcome difficulties at this stage in their relationship is a vital part in building a good, solid relationship. I advise to keep muddling thru it and working at making/finding ways to understand each other.

I agree with this. Stepping out of a relationship is the most easy thing to do. Making it work is harder . When I met this guy I had the feeling that he is the one for me. That we match. I think we both think this way and the relationship immediatly evolved from flirting to "I'm really serious about it", for both of us. I still think that we make a good match. I have never ever felt this way before. I haven't had any relationship worth calling that and I don't often fall in love.

I only want to solve this problem I have. I don't know yet whether he intend to make me feel inferior and doesn't care about what I think or that like Norwich said, he does care but that we have a translation problem. That is what I want to find out first. I'm not at the stage yet where I would say 'I have tried everything and still I don't feel good in this relationship'. I also doesn't know his character yet. I only know him for 1 month.

That is why I asked "how can I get him to listen to me (without making him feel I don't value him as who he is)" and not "should I break up with this guy or not".

 

[sassafras]

Have you talked to him openly about it? Have you told him that it's really bothering you? What was his response?

My assumption is that you already have and that's why you were coming to us.

Short of manipulation and game-playing (which is just plain tiring and deceitful), there is really no way to really "get" anyone to listen to you or validate your opinions other than talking to them and hoping that they understand; they decide what to do with the information that you've given them and if they already value you and care about you, they take stock of their behavior and adjust. If they don't, there is nothing you can really do to change that.

 

[jn56uytrx]

Hi Morgain,

I empathize. I have often (in various relationships) had the feelings you describe. I have only skimmed the responses here, but I would encourage caution both in taking everything on to yourself, or in putting everything on to him. As the saying goes, "It takes two to tango".

I have recently been working on better skills for relationship conflicts. I recognize that your relationship is in early stages and so sometimes tough conversations of difficulty are awkward, but I would recommend looking into what this professional has to say about conflict. I have found much value in listening to his audio as well as working to model my engagement to these patterns when I have an issue to be brought up, (or responding effectively when someone I love brings up an issue with me). The printed materials have augmented and supported that audio guidance. If you are interested, I would begin with the 12 Step Summary and I also strongly suggest seeking out the audio.

The keys for me have been:

1) Starting soft
2) Stating and owning need
3) Really listening to the other and acknowledging what is understandable about their perspective
4) Letting them know that you expect the same from them, BUT doing so in a "no big deal" way. I have learned that it's about being firm when it's needed, but not hanging on to negativity and jumping back into a positive discussion at every indication that they are willing and trying to do so as well.

In many ways, this might be beyond what you're dealing with, but on the other hand, my sense is that the ideas and principles are helpful in many circumstances where one is having any degree of conflict and wants to know how to address it effectively.

I wish you the best.

 

[Billy]

You are only a month into this relationship... a few things:

1. How can you "love" someone after a month that seems kind of rash, if not immature or desperate.
2. If you are having problems like this, this EARLY when essentially you are still putting on your best faces, its going to be far worse as time goes on.
3. You are most likely not compatible.

 

[Morgain]

You are only a month into this relationship... a few things:

1. How can you "love" someone after a month that seems kind of rash, if not immature or desperate.
there are all kinds of love, we should have more words to distinguish. I'm not talking about deep love that grows after years. I'm talking about the combination of butterflies and the warm feeling in my heart when he does or says something that makes me appreciate and respect him as a person
2. If you are having problems like this, this EARLY when essentially you are still putting on your best faces, its going to be far worse as time goes on.
is there a certain path a relationship should follow? How long do you have to put on your best faces. He said to me that he now is who he is without trying to conceil anything from me so maybe this is the worst it can get. We are no teenagers, we are already discussing serious topics. Lets say that the relationship goes fast
3. You are most likely not compatible.
I don't think two persons can be compatible. Everybody is different and you need that difference to have a healty balanced relationship and to prevent that you as a couple become shortsided. It is how you deal with these differences that makes your relationship succesful or not

I recognize that your relationship is in early stages and so sometimes tough conversations of difficulty are awkward, but I would recommend looking into what this professional has to say about conflict.

this is really very interesting!

Basically what she says is that when you have a disagreement you should
-be open-minded to your partners point of view and try to understand where he is coming from
-be aware that you both have equal regard in your opinion, nowone is right or wrong, you are just different
-be flexibel to meet your partner in the middle even though you don't agree or understand his viewpoint
-expect the same from him and if he is not open-minded even not after you peacefully asked for it, then widraw and try again later

That is exactly what I expect from him. And it is also something he told me before. That both partners have the right to have their own opinion and that a relationship is giving and taking. So he knows it already, maybe he just forget to implement it sometimes or has no idea that I have the impression that he isn't open-minded and flexibel?

I'll try this method the next time he irritates me

 

[Morgain]

You are only a month into this relationship... a few things:

1. How can you "love" someone after a month that seems kind of rash, if not immature or desperate.
there are all kinds of love, we should have more words to distinguish. I'm not talking about deep love that grows after years. I'm talking about the combination of butterflies and the warm feeling in my heart when he does or says something that makes me appreciate and respect him as a person

2. If you are having problems like this, this EARLY when essentially you are still putting on your best faces, its going to be far worse as time goes on.
is there a certain path a relationship should follow? How long do you have to put on your best faces. He said to me that he now is who he is without trying to conceil anything from me so maybe this is the worst it can get. We are no teenagers, we are already discussing serious topics. Lets say that the relationship goes fast

3. You are most likely not compatible.
I don't think two persons can be compatible. Everybody is different and you need that difference to have a healty balanced relationship and to prevent that you as a couple become shortsided. It is how you deal with these differences that makes your relationship succesful or not

I recognize that your relationship is in early
stages and so sometimes tough conversations of difficulty are awkward,
but I would recommend looking into what <a href="http://www.thecouplesclinic.com/resources/forms" target="_blank">this professional</a> has to say about conflict.

this is really very interesting!

Basically what she says is that when you have a disagreement you should
-be open-minded to your partners point of view and try to understand where he is coming from
-be aware that you both have equal regard in your opinion, nowone is right or wrong, you are just different
-be flexibel to meet your partner in the middle even though you don't agree or understand his viewpoint
-expect the same from him and if he is not open-minded even not after you peacefully asked for it, then widraw and try again later

That is exactly what I expect from him. And it is also something he told me before. That both partners have the right to have their own opinion and that a relationship is giving and taking. So he knows it already, maybe he just forget to implement it sometimes or has no idea that I have the impression that he isn't open-minded and flexibel?

she also says that 'starting to think the worst of him or his motives' isn't the way you should go. In most cases when you disagree it is not that the partner is wrong and has wrong motives. He has just an other opinion.

I'll try this method the next time he irritates me

 

[Inquisitive]

A new relationship really can sweep us off our feet and leave us feeling disoriented, and it can take some time to find our footing and regain a sense of balance. So to whatever extent this might apply, take comfort in the fact that you

 

[Morgain]

So we are now two years later and rereading all the posts is very instructive

I stayed in the relationship with him, we worked out the communication issue to the point that I didn't felt not listened to or dismissed. We have had a tough time learning to be with eachother, act the right way to make the other person happy (from both sides). We started talking about children. The day we wanted to start, he left. We talked about this he didn't feel completely good with me (but also for other reasons). We both wrote down the issues we had with eachother. His issues with me were: net enough self-esteem, to emotional/sad/scared, physically not open enough or trusting enough to him, to much need for certainty / fixed future, not taking care of him. My issues with him were: not talking to me when he feels bad, not telling me how he feels and when it gets to bad he runs off, not committed enough, thinking of his future first and not including me in his thoughts about the future, changing his mind all the time.

We agreed to work on this for two months and then see where we are. And after two months he was sure about me, told me that the relationship was much better then before. So we talked about children again and next month we would start. Then he left me again, for good.

he reason that he left is that:
- he is not 100% sure I'm to women of his life
- I'm to sensitive (still)
- he is afraid that I have the character of my father
- he is afraid that I'll be sad for the rest of my life (I had a burn out last winter because of troubles at work) like my mother
- he can't forget the bad start we made, even though things went better the last two months
- I shouldn't have put deadlines for giving me an answer on "do you want to move on with me or not" and on children, he preferred to try out longer to see if he could be happy for me for a longer time. He never told me this before he broke up and instead agreed on starting with children.
But then he also points out that the problem is not me, but him and that I'm better off with someone who is more stable, someone I can built on and doesn't run away, like him. But he doesn't elaborate on his part of the problem.

So I was really confused and decided to search for his ex-girlfriend on facebook. I found her, talked to her, and she told me the exact same story. He has commitment issues, runs off when things get serious. While he told me he broke up with her because the relationship was not good anymore and he had issues with her character. She tells me they were looking for a house, decided to start with children and then he leaves, more then one time.

He never told me about his issue, it was always me who had issues. He doesn't want to acknowledge that he is the one having a problem. I never commited to a relationship and he is 40. And everybody knows, his family, his friends (telling me it is not my fold, he has a problem). But every time I talk to him now he at one hand say that I'm not the only one to blame, but on the other hand all issues that he mention are my issues, he doesn't talk about his issues and when I force him, he shuts down...

It is impossible if you are a narcissist. They can distract you by always pointing out your flaws while never acknowledging their own. ​

not saying he is a narcissist, but he is so good in manipulating me. Every time I point a finger to him, he can bent the attention towards me and my flaws

People who have had highly abusive childhoods also do well; like stroke victims, they've had to practice the difficult art of reading minds, in their case the minds of alcoholic or violent parents.


I'm not making a judgement on you, your parent or your relationship. What I'm pointing out is that you have previous experience with undermining and this may have heightened your sensitivity in terms of accurate prediction and may not be hyper-sensitivity as you believe.

All the time I was so scared he would not get home, I didn't believe we would ever buy a house, get a child together. All the time I felt that he didn't tell me everything, didn't show me his true self. But when I told him about my fears, I was to sensitive and I should believe what he tells me. I think my intuition was right on!

still, he is a good person in his essence, but he has a major issue that he doesn't want to see, doesn't want to work on.
And still, I'm not sorry for this relationship, even if it lasted for 2 years. I learned so much from it, I'm a different person, worked on my own issues. And unlike 2 years ago, I now really feel that I will attract the right man for me

Don't tell me "I told you so"

 

[Flavus Aquila]

You are fortunate to be rid of him. It honestly sounds as though the last two years have probably taken five off your life.

I really hope -if you decide to go for relationships- that you find someone whose delight and focus is you.