I cut her out of my life

[Erlian]

It's about my ISFP flatmate. We have gone through a lot of shit the last 8 months.
Started FWB. I thought she wanted more. I made a move. I was wrong.
Didn't have sex very long. She did have sex with someone else when I was around (violating our single FWB rule).
I was angry, but got over it quickly. We quit FWB. She had issues apologising as she (with all her Fi-dom) is afraid to open up emotionally.
She eventually did cry and told me she did care a great deal about me. We stayed seperate for a week.
Summer holidays came and we didn't see each other for a while.
When we got back we got close again. I'd always talk with her about her, about me, about people. She never did that with anyone and loved that. I love helping people with their personal issues so that's why I liked in her.
Multiple late nights later and after she shared some of her deep emotional secrets with me, I though she wanted more again. So I made a move and I was wrong.
She really just wants to be friend and those secrets weren't so secret after all she told me then.

Two nights ago she slept with the guy again that caused all the pain just before summer. The guy, knowing what he had caused before, asked me for permission. I thought he was joking and... I never expected that she would allow such a thing. She did...
For me that means she's ok with all those bad memories. That they weren't so bad after all.
I was comforted by 3 other flatmates while they were doing it in her room nearby. I didn't feel angry, I felt evil. I wanted to hurt her so much verbally.
The next morning I got over that. I wanted to cut her out of my life, but didn't necessarily wanted to hurt her. Although I didn't care much if I did.

I told her I didn't want to see her anymore. I never explained it, she wasn't worth it at that point. Later that night flatmates told me that she had been crying and that those secrets she told me actually were her close secrets. She just didn't want to admit that. She was afraid of showing too much affection or something.
Either way after I heard that I felt incredibly sorry. She did care for me. I wanted to apologise and hug her.
Others told me she was really angry with me. That made me feel extremely bad. I was surprised though. I cut her out. In her view, randomly and out of the blue.
Just an hour ago I confronted her and said that I was ready to tell my story if she wanted to. She got angry and said coldly she didn't want me near her anytime soon.

That's the story.

I consider myself an INTJ with high Fe. In relationships I seem more like a INFJ though. Although I am not afraid of conflict and criticism, I cannot stand this current conflict. I need to confront and fix it.

I hope you can shed some wisdom on whether this girl and I can ever become friends again. If the two of us can be healthy together (as friends). We do find ourselves attracted to eachothers company. Our hobbies don't really match, but the way we talk is what we like about eachother. The fact that we used to have sex and I keep having feelings for her, means that she can easily hurt me. She's as ISFP with Fi and Se (a deadly combination I find). I'm not saying all ISFPs are like her, but this girl is really bad at considering the future and the feelings of others. Let alone the combination of the two.

I don't want her to feel bad anymore.
I don't want her to be angry with me.
I want to be friends with her again, but I don't know if we can.

I have never done anything like this in my entire life. I've never been hurt by someone this much and I've never hurt anyone else this much (cutting her out).

What do I think?
What do I do?
What do I feel?

 

[Eventhorizon]

First sex is sex. It is not an affirmation of feeling though feeling can certainly play into it. A person can care about another person, have sex with them and other people while still caring about them. Caring by itself is not love.

She may care about you but not love you. You cannot make someone love you.

I have dropped and left situations where I recognized people had their own lives and I could not live those lives for them. They made bad choices in my mind, I could not comprehend their inability to view their choices in an objective logical manner. They would rather be adrift...
Either the two of you make a commitment to each other or you dont. If she doesnt want that and you do, you can either wait and hope or you can move on.

 

[Dave Fallon]

I agree fully with [MENTION=8603]Eventhorizon[/MENTION].

She did have sex with someone else when I was around (violating our single FWB rule).

Maybe I'm not as young as you, but I thought the idea of FWB was no commitment. If there was a FWB rule that she had to be monogamist with you, then maybe the F was in her head but not yours?

I love helping people with their personal issues so that's why I liked in her.

I can relate to this very much. However, at some point you need to realize that this starts with "I love" not with "helping people". By that I mean, her issues, her needs, and helping her all came secondary to your own issues, needs and helping yourself. I'm not saying you are (or I was) selfish! But we're attracted to problems that we want to fix for our own edification, not really the edification of the person. And sometimes they don't want to be "fixed", because they don't realize or agree that they are broken, or because their idea of fixing the issue is very different from yours. We pursue these people because of our own needs. When you realize that, you can control it and it helps buffer you from the emotional turmoil that seems to inevitably result in interacting with people like that.

I never expected that she would allow such a thing. She did...
For me that means she's ok with all those bad memories. That they weren't so bad after all.

You know, for some people the issues are their secret pleasures. They actually like the drama that being a victim brings. You're probably right: they weren't so bad after all for her in the larger view of things. If she is this kind of person, you provide the perfect tool for her to exercise her passion of drama. You keep coming back when she expresses some emotion towards you. On the other hand, if you are honest with yourself that helping her is really primarily about helping yourself you can feel good in that you're providing her the drama she craves...

Others told me she was really angry with me. That made me feel extremely bad. I was surprised though. I cut her out. In her view, randomly and out of the blue.

Well, if it really was a surprise to her, it doesn't seem to have been a surprise to you. You can't feel too bad if this wasn't actually "out of the blue" just because that was her view of it. Eventually, you have to decide that you can't be responsible for everyone else's inner emotions and misunderstandings, and though you can try to alleviate any pain you might inadvertently cause, you can't cause it to yourself in retaliation.

Just an hour ago I confronted her and said that I was ready to tell my story if she wanted to. She got angry and said coldly she didn't want me near her anytime soon.

So that's it, right? The end of the story? Or is it just the transition to another chapter with her? It sounds like she couldn't make up her mind in the past... Is she certain now?

If so, it hurts, but in a way a firm conclusion is better than a fuzzy "maybe she is, maybe she isn't".

I consider myself an INTJ with high Fe. In relationships I seem more like a INFJ though. Although I am not afraid of conflict and criticism, I cannot stand this current conflict. I need to confront and fix it.

Yeah, I agree you sound like an INFJ about this. From this one story I would say you are not an INTJ, since my (albeit limited) interaction with them seemed to indicate they are better at not letting their own emotions color their interpretation of things, but maybe that's more the case in non-romantic interactions...

We do find ourselves attracted to eachothers company. Our hobbies don't really match, but the way we talk is what we like about eachother.

Are you quite certain? You sounded at the beginning of that paragraph like you did not understand her at all. Now you say she finds herself attracted to you and that she likes the way you talk (I'm deliberately cutting you out of the analysis here). A lot of INFJs report difficulty understanding their own emotions sometimes, but you seem certain these are facts about both of you. Are you certain?

The fact that we used to have sex and I keep having feelings for her, means that she can easily hurt me. She's as ISFP with Fi and Se (a deadly combination I find). I'm not saying all ISFPs are like her, but this girl is really bad at considering the future and the feelings of others. Let alone the combination of the two.

See, now that sounds like a very INFJ type of analysis of someone. Not what I'd expect from an INTJ.

I agree with [MENTION=8603]Eventhorizon[/MENTION] about "sex is sex". If it means someone could hurt you, you really have to be extra selective of who you do it with... In this case, you've already done the deed and there's no undoing that. It sounds like that was a mistake, because you can see she has a propensity to hurt you, so maybe it's a good idea to really enforce a divide between you and her. By that I mean: don't be mean to her, don't try to hurt her, but just draw a line between where you feel safe and where she can hurt you, and do not cross that line. If she does feel hurt about that, like I said you can't control someone else's emotions and you should feel OK with the fact that you are not actively trying to hurt her, you are just doing what needs to be done.

I don't want her to feel bad anymore.
I don't want her to be angry with me.
I want to be friends with her again, but I don't know if we can.

I have never done anything like this in my entire life. I've never been hurt by someone this much and I've never hurt anyone else this much (cutting her out).

What do I think?
What do I do?
What do I feel?

Yeah, that all sounds very INFJ to me too. I don't know. I'm sorry, but you have been hurt a lot and it sounds like you're on the edge of getting hurt a lot more. It's hard to do this, but you have to empower yourself to be able to do what you think is right and not blame yourself if that makes her upset (again). If she is, as I suspect, addicted to the drama, then this will cut her off from her fix and her hurt feelings won't last (as she'll probably move on to someone else who can give it to her). If not, maybe this will empower her to decide whether to accept your help in your way to provide your solution to her issues, or it may empower her to solve her own issues without you needing to do anything, and you can both move on as friends.

Hope that helps! Sorry you are in such a bad spot.

 

[Reanbell]

Ask yourself... is it all really worth it? There comes a point where no matter how much you love and care for someone, you need to let them go. You need to move on with your lives because clinging on can sometimes hurt more than even separating. If you become friends again, you know it may never be the same. You may be getting a little from her if you do reconnect, but it may not be what you need. And that will end up hurting even worse. Sometimes it's better to care for someone from afar, wish them the best in life, and be content with the fact that they are alive and well.

If you think it's worth it? Give her time. Try writing all you want to say to her out - revise it, really be sure of how you feel. Then tell her or write to her. See what she says and keep an open mind - remember to consider things from her pov too.

 

[Erlian]

Thanks for all the help.

I just wrote an extenisve reply, but I think it's filtered for moderation. None of my other posts in other threads have been approved yet either :/
I guess that one wikipedia link does hurt.

Either way, I feel a lot better already. I mostly just need a few days to recollect myself. I hope the reply will eventually appear. I don't really feel like writing all of that again.