I feel like I don't know myself

[Truth Eternity]

I have a similar issues, except it's not with myself. It's with other people. They don't feel very real to me. Not because I don't believe they're real, but because they're so dishonest. What I see isn't them, and it even seems like they're in a semi-conscious state sometimes. I imagine they feel such displeasure perpetuating their illusory self that their mind partly shuts down. I wonder if the entirety of Western society is experiencing collective psychosis. Or maybe that's what I'm experiencing. But anyway it's a projected image of what they think they should be. I will never be able to view that nonsense as anything real. Kinda makes the whole "social experience" an exercise in futility.

I'm always pretty astounded when I meet a real person: someone who's honest with himself, isn't afraid to internalize his own ideas, has the courage to accept what he is, where he's been. It's a seriously inspiring experience meeting such a real person. Oh, and accepting their feelings and so forth even if they're socially inconvenient. That's a big one. Deny your feelings, deny your core beliefs, deny yourself. It's a recipe for nothingness (nihilism). I can imagine your conscious mind and your subconscious mind would have such a distance between them that you wouldn't feel quite right.

Maybe that plays a role in this? A separation between the conscious and subconscious. I tend to adhere rather loyally to my subconscious (quite the daring heroine she is) in that I regard what I feel with reverence. Because of that, I believe, my conscious and subconscious have a healthy togetherness. I also view my subconscious as nature herself. I don't see why my subconscious wouldn't be like that.

That's also a big issue -- that is meeting an authentic person who isn't self absorbed or afraid to look at themselves in an honest manner. It just seems like there are less and less people who are actually authentic with themselves and how they interact with the world around them. It makes finding someone you can trust really difficult. I have a great deal of knowledge of who I am and what I want in life, but I feel a horrid sense of missing something. I feel inevitably incomplete, and not just in the typical INFJ sense. Like there's something I must remember to feel whole again. But nomatter how close I feel I get to the truth, It slips away. One step forward, it takes one step further. It feels like I'm chasing rainbows.

 

[Truth Eternity]

Have you had any physical symptoms such as joint pain and extreme fatigue?

I have juvenile idiopathic arthtitis, so occasional joint pain is a thing. But I've been connecting with myself more lately, and I feel like I'm more myself again. Like I'm in my own skin and not around it. I don't see a stranger when I look in the mirror anymore and finally see someone who I can accept being. I don't feel anything when I look in the mirror except, " Oh that's me," but that's better than, "I feel like I don't know myself," alongside a sense of slight disgust. You've all really helped me with this. I can't thank you enough. I was getting worried because I joined these forums to find a way to know myself better and find help and solutions for my issues, and I wasn't getting anything. But you've all helped so much with this. I feel like I can ask for help for other issues and can be confident I will receive helpful advice.

I am not sure as I was never diagnosed, but I think I had something similar to depersonalisation after a breakdown about eight years ago.

I would look in the mirror and the person looking back at me seemed foreign, distant. I couldn't look at myself for very long.

It sounds weird but in the end I started to talk to that mirror. Talk to myself. Small comments like "what the %^&$ are you doing dude?" and similar. I'd then walk away.

Slowly I started talking to the mirror more, expressing my thoughts. Not long conversations, but generally what was on my mind. It seemed like verbalising these things helped somewhat. I think at that point I didn't have anyone else I could rely on to talk things through with and maybe this was *my* way of working it through.

When looking back on it now, I like to think I was reconnecting with myself, getting to know myself again, getting to like myself again. I think the person I was prior to the breakdown was now a stranger that I needed to get to know again before I moved forward.

Try and get some help (I know you said you can't afford it, but is there free medical where you are?), but if you can't then yes, walking, journalling, chatting to someone you can confide in. All can help and have helped me in their own ways.

This is the same thing I've been going through. I've done the same thing, but for me instead of continuing to use myself as an outlet, I decided to accept myself. It isn't depersonalization, but I think it was how through everything I've been through, I started to subconsciously hate myself, seeing myself as someone who could once do anything and is now a failure at the things that truly matter. Talking to you all, I was able to understand that, and thus I was able to accept myself and not subconsciously repel myself. I feel like I'm in my own skin, but It's gonna take a while before I can truly love myself again. I hold a great deal of pride and trust in who I am, but I constantly look inwards, knowing I can be so much more. But I don't beat myself up for not being that so much more right now, and I strive to get there while loving myself instead if pushing myself away.
One step closer, but I'm still chasing rainbows.

 

[Truth Eternity]

I read a great deal of desperation and hopelessness. and a lot of reasons why you are stuck in the place you are, both physically and emotionally. But we are more than mind and body, we are also spirit. What do you do for the spirit that is you? If you are a person of faith, seek a faith community for support. perhaps seek a community center where you may find something that resonates with you. . Find a way to give to others, and it will be returned to you. Listen to music, go for a walk, meditate, go to a library. . feed your spirit and the rest of you will follow

And yes, definitely desperation, but my will isn't broken yet. However, I'm not afraid to accept that I am desperate for an answer, and there's nothing wrong with being desperate was long as you don't resort to anything immoral because of it. I'm happy we all have the ability to understand that here.

 

[Truth Eternity]

I don't feel like I'm not enough as much anymore, but I'm restless knowing I can be so much more and have the ability to solve these issues -- I just don't know how to.

 

[dragulagu]

And yes, definitely desperation, but my will isn't broken yet. However, I'm not afraid to accept that I am desperate for an answer, and there's nothing wrong with being desperate was long as you don't resort to anything immoral because of it. I'm happy we all have the ability to understand that here.

What answer do you wish to know?

 

[Truth Eternity]

What answer do you wish to know?

There's just this feeling of incompletion. Like I need to remember something to feel whole again. I don't know what it is, but half my quest for knowledge is for this purpose (the other half is for fun). The more I learn about myself and the more I learn about this world, the closer I feel I'm getting to what I'm looking for. The issue is that many times, I take a step forward and it seems like it's taking a step backwards. But I'm inching closer and closer, so I feel I'm making progress.

 

[JustPhil]

That's also a big issue -- that is meeting an authentic person who isn't self absorbed or afraid to look at themselves in an honest manner. It just seems like there are less and less people who are actually authentic with themselves and how they interact with the world around them. It makes finding someone you can trust really difficult. I have a great deal of knowledge of who I am and what I want in life, but I feel a horrid sense of missing something. I feel inevitably incomplete, and not just in the typical INFJ sense. Like there's something I must remember to feel whole again. But nomatter how close I feel I get to the truth, It slips away. One step forward, it takes one step further. It feels like I'm chasing rainbows.

I think much the same way about wanting to meet someone authentic. I also feel I have been searching all my life and all that comes from what I find are more questions. I also feel incomplete, lacking part of the whole. I always thought it would be having a SO in my life that was better suited to me, but I am beginning to realise that its about me completing myself not completed by another.

This is the same thing I've been going through. I've done the same thing, but for me instead of continuing to use myself as an outlet, I decided to accept myself. It isn't depersonalization, but I think it was how through everything I've been through, I started to subconsciously hate myself, seeing myself as someone who could once do anything and is now a failure at the things that truly matter. Talking to you all, I was able to understand that, and thus I was able to accept myself and not subconsciously repel myself. I feel like I'm in my own skin, but It's gonna take a while before I can truly love myself again. I hold a great deal of pride and trust in who I am, but I constantly look inwards, knowing I can be so much more. But I don't beat myself up for not being that so much more right now, and I strive to get there while loving myself instead if pushing myself away.
One step closer, but I'm still chasing rainbows.

All good strategies. Acceptance, self acceptance, self love and awareness.

There's just this feeling of incompletion. Like I need to remember something to feel whole again. I don't know what it is, but half my quest for knowledge is for this purpose (the other half is for fun). The more I learn about myself and the more I learn about this world, the closer I feel I'm getting to what I'm looking for. The issue is that many times, I take a step forward and it seems like it's taking a step backwards. But I'm inching closer and closer, so I feel I'm making progress.

Yes, I am the same. You think an answer is around the corner, one that will give this big insight into life, its purpose, at least for you. All it does is give you more to ponder and more to look for. I read somewhere though that this is the purpose of life, to grow as "without growing so shall you wither and die". So self growth and knowledge of yourself, others and the world in general is a positive thing. Wanting to have some sort of conclusion or final answer is normal. However is there one? I only yesterday started reading a book on the "Art of Uncertainty" as I realised that events that were not "closed off" in my mind caused me discomfort. I am now looking at my fear of uncertainty as being another stepping stone in making peace with the world, and my mind. It is a never ending journey and my continual learning but my your acceptance of the fact it will be a never ending journey helps somewhat.

 

[dragulagu]

There's just this feeling of incompletion. Like I need to remember something to feel whole again. I don't know what it is, but half my quest for knowledge is for this purpose (the other half is for fun). The more I learn about myself and the more I learn about this world, the closer I feel I'm getting to what I'm looking for. The issue is that many times, I take a step forward and it seems like it's taking a step backwards. But I'm inching closer and closer, so I feel I'm making progress.

Is it perhaps not taking a step forward or backwards but rather a step in the unknown? As long as you feel like you're making progress, that's a good thing.

 

[Truth Eternity]

Is it perhaps not taking a step forward or backwards but rather a step in the unknown? As long as you feel like you're making progress, that's a good thing.

It's just a long road full of so much. It's a quest for knowledge I guess. I don't know what the knowledge is for, but I feel like if I learn enough, I can help so many people. Helping better the world around me is my passion, and I take a great deal of reflection in how I can better do that. It's also the only thing that gives me a constant challenge and self growth, as going out of my way to make things a better place can be a tough hurdle at certain times, but it's a hurdle I love to surpass. But I feel as if I am remembering. More of who I am and what I love to do. I know what I want my career to be, but what do I want my life to be? That answer I believe is to help better this world. Maybe I feel lost since I don't get know my purpose? But I know helping others is my purpose, I just need to accept that. I realised that more today when I had an opportunity to give to others who had even less that I, and I don't have much. That really cleared a lot of things up. I've always felt like I couldn't when it came to helping others as much as I wanted to, but I can. So that makes me feel a lot better.

 

[philostam]

Don't stare yourself in a mirror for more than 5-10 seconds and you won't have the problems of feeling disassociated. Everyone feels strange when they look at themselves in a mirror for too long. It's creepy.

Self knowledge is not so hard. MBTI helps, but so does revisiting your past and roots. Getting your family story right is crucial for self understanding, I think. Many people have an unreliable story of their childhood/parents. You gotta get it as accurate as possible.

The next step is to figure out what your feelings/opinions/judgements about things are. Even smal things matter, It's incredible how many people go trough live with barely utilising the power of judgement. People have to learn to judge for themselves, otherwise they are like babies who simply accept everything.

Well, that's my experience, And when you have all that + you develop your interests and career, then confidence/self esteem comes naturally.

I like this passage from Schopenhauer about what the best path of developing the mind is.

 

[philostam]

I noticed that people on Ni-Se axis are usually better judgers, or at least, they like judging form themselves more. People on the Ne-Si axis feel a bit insecure about making judgements, because they feel the need to consult other information and are naturally sceptical about their own point of view.

Both can be bad. Ni-Se axis people can become too solipsistic and delusional, especially if not sufficiently balanced by extreverted judging function like Te and Fe. While Ne-Si axis people can become too meek and unconfident in their own judgements.

 

[dragulagu]

It's just a long road full of so much. It's a quest for knowledge I guess. I don't know what the knowledge is for, but I feel like if I learn enough, I can help so many people. Helping better the world around me is my passion, and I take a great deal of reflection in how I can better do that. It's also the only thing that gives me a constant challenge and self growth, as going out of my way to make things a better place can be a tough hurdle at certain times, but it's a hurdle I love to surpass. But I feel as if I am remembering. More of who I am and what I love to do. I know what I want my career to be, but what do I want my life to be? That answer I believe is to help better this world. Maybe I feel lost since I don't get know my purpose? But I know helping others is my purpose, I just need to accept that. I realised that more today when I had an opportunity to give to others who had even less that I, and I don't have much. That really cleared a lot of things up. I've always felt like I couldn't when it came to helping others as much as I wanted to, but I can. So that makes me feel a lot better.

Good man, that's an excellent purpose to follow!