Ok I'm going to try to make this succinct. I had a relationship just under two years that ended about 6 months ago. It was mystical and magical from the moment I met her. She (intj) captured my heart and mind and I fell deeply in love with her. It started where we both were not looking for anything serious but there was no way this wasn't going to be casual. After 15 or so months she started to become self absorbed and dismissive of my needs to feel connected. There's a ton of details here but let's just say it was something akin to a NF/NT death spiral on steroids. I tried over and over to communicate in a healthy way but she would just be dismissive or annoyed. Since I had fallen so hard that really fucked with my head. Eventually I broke up with her because it was too painful and made me feel crazy. I learned a lot from it though and still am.
I started dating again after a few months with a new list of red flags to look for. I wasn't looking for casual but for all of the things missing in that painful experience.
I have been dating for 3 months or so a new girl. How she treats me on paper is everything missing from the previous gf. She's great. More mature, has her shit together, way into me, sex is fantastic and plentiful, its a long list of good things. Here's the problem areas. I'm not infatuated with her nor falling in love though I like her. It's nice. I told her from the beginning when she was asking if I was open to finding something serious and long term to which I replied yeah, that's actually all I'm looking for but I have to go very sloooow, in part because it takes me a while to open up / trust and partially because my last relationship ended not too long ago. She has been moving fast in spite of that. She's a more decisive type and she was way into me from the get go. I'm still heart broken from being so vulnerably in love and having my needs dismissed etc... I didn't realize the extent until the new girl started looking for more emotional connection / security from me faster than I was ready. She told me like week two that she was taking down her online profiles and wanted to focus just on me...freaked me out a little but wtv. That dynamic is still at play. I like her too much to call it but I don't want to do to her what my ex gf did to me so I'm feeling more withdrawl / run reactions internally as she is pushing forward full steam.
We're going to talk today because she is noticing my reactions and seems to be having feelings resulting that seem familiar to what I was feeling with ex gf but only after 15 months...this has only been like 3. I'm planning on telling her the following: Partially I think its how quick we went from hello to acting like we were in a LTR. It all went faster than I meant for it to and I feel like you are emotionally invested more than I can be right now. I told you things in the beginning like I need to go really slow when you asked if I was open to something serious. That's still true. Except that it didn't go slow and I'm uncomfortable. Part of my uncomfortableness is due to realizing that I have some stuff I need to work on in order to be ready for a serious (and healthy) relationship. Partially because I think you're all in and I feel an imbalance. Like you are needing more from me than I can give right now and I feel pressure from that to have emotions that I don't have and probably can't have right now. It isn't fair to you and the dynamic doesn't feel good to me either. I'm not feeling what you're feeling for me and it makes me self conscious because I don't want to be inauthentic by just saying what I think you want to hear. I don't want to mess things up because there's a lot of good dynamics. But I need to be honest about the above so that you know where I'm at.
Thoughts?
TLDR: Girl broke my heart cause I fell in love and she cooled off. New girl is going too fast and it feels like I'm cooling off cause I don't want to fake it. Feels like the reverse of when I was heart broken. Gonna have to tell her I'm uncomfortable
