INFJ Chameleon Problems, How to get a reign on Chameleon-ism??

[phaedra]

[MENTION=12876]phaedra[/MENTION] They've told u they do heroine and all this jazz, but they can't except that u smoked a little grass? What the...?

What it sounds like is that these "friends" think u should be the perfect robot, free from fault and mistakes, but they can do whatever without taking any responsibility.

Is that right?

No, they didn't tell me they use heroin, I was just using that as a past example from what others have told to me. I guess it would be better for me to say that even if I tell someone I smoke weed, I know they've probably done something equivalent in their life that is "bad", so they shouldn't even look judgingly on me. It's all about being willing to understand and empathize with what others are saying to you in conversations. I don't enjoy talking to people that give me disapproving facial expressions, so I don't give disapproving facial expressions when I talk to others. I guess I am just a really understanding person, no matter what the circumstances.

 

[INFJok]

[MENTION=12876]phaedra[/MENTION] Sounds easy! Just make those faces they give to you, back to them! We are called "the chameleons" for a reason, right? So we might as well use it to our advantage. Let them see how they take to themselves or......... stop hanging with them!

 

[Alomoes]

Why simple. You take on the mold of an INFJ.

By "chameleonism", do you mean the ability to fit into different social situations? I've found I can respond adequately to "small talk" in various situations though I may not really care about either the topic or the person/people doing the talking. Or I can often find excuses to avoid a conversation I don't want to have. Or, I guess I could fake knowing what I'm doing or what I'm talking about in some situations. Are these the kind of things you mean?

Yes, I do feel comfortable enough with some people to share some inner desires unexpressed, but I don't think there is anyone I've ever felt completely comfortable with expressing everything inside. It's just not feasible or appropriate in any situation I can think of. I guess in the past that bothered me, but now I feel no problem holding some things private to myself and not having anyone ever know.

Yes, I have had my efforts to fit in exposed before. I think the most common situation for that is politics. I am friends both IRL and online with those who are either left leaning or right leaning, and usually the two don't mix, but occasionally ways I've acted while in the company of one group were picked up on by members of the other group, who then wonder if I really agree with them or not. I don't personally think I'm being overly mercurial, but I can understand when the two camps are so rabidly against each other that any interaction with the other camp is seen as disloyal or dishonest.

As to why and what purpose, I guess my feeling is to keep peace. I think that can go into the extreme of conflict avoidance, and I've definitely been like that before. But in the best cases it's merely using words to even out the friction that actions can cause. I really think actions "speak" louder than words, and so my actions represent my true feelings on various things. However, whatever my true feelings on something, such as politics, for instance, I do not see any reason to get into an emotional and unyielding debate with others all the time. It's just a waste of time... If you're going to vote one way or the other, and the debate never introduces new information, just rehashes the talking points on both sides with varying degrees of emotional nonsense, then why not just divert the energy that would be spent debating into working together on whatever you do agree with, even if it is just the weather? It's not conflict avoidance if the conflict isn't productive in any way, it's just waste-of-time avoidance.

Like I mentioned above, I think this used to bother me. I worried that if I didn't "stick up" for my beliefs, then what is the good of having them. But over time I decided that the only things that count in standing up for something are actions, words are just air. So now I do not think it morally wrong to share idle chatter with someone whose actions or beliefs are repugnant or stupid. I don't really have a problem talking about the weather with someone who has proven themselves to be a boob in debates before. I'm OK with paying lip-service to someone's irrational anger or fear or utter ignorance. When it comes to taking action, I act with my heart.

Man. That control you have over your shadow. Man. Truly unique, except for a few. Fe-INFP? Te-INFJ? I don't know. But it is cool. Unless neither. Hrrm. Ni + Fi = ???

Actually, all you people are cool. Fi base I think. Could be semi-duals. Would make sense. Can't tell. The level of shadow mastery amazes me. :S

I got Fe, Ni, and Ti down. I think. Only seven more to go, and how many years do I have? Over 50, I hope! (Of course, I will give up my chameleoness for science. See? There is Ne down too, although I still use the random name generators. Unless I don't.)

 

[Alomoes]

Hrrm. Well. Learning. I'm probably wrong. Not about taking the mold of INFJ, but the other stuff, about shadow mastery. I don't know.

 

[Timbass]

Being a chameleon can be a highly adaptive behavior that makes people feel comfortable very quickly. I find it is more of a skill than a problem that requires empathy and perceptive qualities in order to blend in with different groups of people. The downside is when you have to adapt to people that you don't wish to such as bosses or other authority figures or even co-workers. When you adapt to them you are often pigeon holed as being this limited being and are not "allowed" to be more than how they perceive you. So, in response to your question of being concerned that being a chameleon would make you fake is to ask yourself who is the more shallow person, one who disrespects the life rights of another or the one who adapts for a person to generate positive, safe and comfortable interaction or the ones who decide they "know" who you are or who you are "supposed" to be and that you do not have the right to be different or change your mind? I guess since it is a fact of life for me I don't consider it phony in the least. I don't know how anyone is the same person all the time. I am a new person everyday and I just figured that was the point. Personality is a point of view and in the same way conversation is not precise, the accuracy of your personality is not precise. I am a being and I have to try to "aim" my personality to represent me, but I often feel that it does not accurately express who I am all the time. That is why art exists, to get more of this out to satisfy the urge. The point is that it is all you and your ability to adapt shows your range of empathy and human experience that allows you to understand people and their wants and needs. The larger concern is that you are not putting enough energy into satisfying or having others make efforts to satisfy your needs. To INFJ's this can be a very foreign idea, but as such needs consideration. So, if someone wants to characterize you as dishonest, as long as you are not a liar with facts and reality, then they can F-off and they are probably not worth the consideration you put into it. I know its hard to let even one person dislike you and even harder when you know it is because their dislike of you is based on misperceiving you. Make like Elsa and Let it go. They are more than likely threatened by you for reasons they don't consciously understand and basically out to discredit you to an audience. Has anyone ever called you dishonest in private, one on one? Probably not right, they probably called you out in front of an audience. If so, they probably have an agenda and are also a D-bag. If you are not lying or being a jerk then you aren't the problem.

Yes, I can feel comfortable enough to share my soft sides and sometimes I flat out "need" to, but I have also learned a better sense of time and place. I used to be frustrated by not being more comfortable with people faster. I used to be driven nuts by feeling like I just couldn't relax and get it out. Now I realize that most social settings or work settings are just not appropriate for it and most people are not open to it. Some not at all, ever. However, I go through periods where I really want those close to me to "get me" and I will make an effort to show those sides of myself as a sort of olive branch to bridge the divide that I find frustrating. It is often unsuccessful, but I am learning to let the process be healing in and of itself. In other words, just allowing myself to be vulnerable is a great practice and seldom does it result in anything negative. Unless of course I don't pick my audience wisely and try to open up my inner world of pixie fingers and fuzzy kitten chins and stick it into a wood chipper. Yeah, that is never going to go well, but the point is knowing the difference between a person who is a wood chipper at heart, one that will never be a safe place to expose one's inner self and one who should be trusted, but I am just too scared or nervous that I will be rejected. Most people that are capable of love and empathy will not do that to you and those that would...again, you aren't the problem here either.