INFj: Dealing with extreme introversion.

[stonecoldstip]

Some thoughts from the other side of the world: In my early youth and puberty I've experienced the same. To me social contact meant social challenge. What eventually worked for me was finding people with the same passion. It's much easier to talk WITH people than to talk TO people; shared passions can be a quite an effective channel.

I like cars and car technique; something as ordinairy as joining the local car club made my world grew a lot bigger. It's easy to talk to strangers about shared passions, hobbies and/or other concerns. And guess what: I am a happy and active member of the biggest national car enthousiast club in the Netherlands for several years now.

 

[Colt]

Sounds more like social anxiety than introversion to me. It's something you've just got to get out there and do or it gets worse. Kava kava can get you over that first hump if it's really hard for you.

 

[Gaze]

So, not an INFJ, but an INFP. I struggled with social anxiety much of my life, quite shy, etc. Funny enough, I teach which is one of the scariest things I've ever done in my life, to have so much attention be directed at you as a self conscious person is like Daniel walking into the lion's den for me. Anyway, I also manage a meetup group for book and movie discussion. This is something I initiated because I didn't want to isolate myself from the world but wanted to meet people and interact more with some who have similar interests. I enjoy discussing different social and media topics so I started a meetup group. It's much easier to engage and feel comfortable interacting one on one or in small groups because i am not as self conscious in low social situations. So, think of events and activities you enjoy or like, and if possible consider starting a small interest group based on this area of interest so that you are meeting people who share similar interests.

 

[Motor Jax]

Hey Everyone,

I was wondering if some of you would be so kind as to share some of your personal stories and advice in regards to dealing with the social networking aspect of life as an overly introverted individual. I really want to get out there and succeed at the things I love(who doesn't?), but there's this pretty heavy anchor holding me down... and it seems to be getting heavier. You see, it's not that I don't have the necessary drive and passion to keep myself motivated, in fact, i'd say i'm motivated 90% of the time.

Starting something fresh is a thrilling rush. There's nothing better. I'm always up to something new and different and love to launch new projects. The problem is none of them every get completed... ever. It seems that all the built up focus and motivation begins fading away around week 3 or 4, depending on the project. I also believe to understand why.

You see, I know that when it comes time to really put things into action, which means networking with other real human beings face to face... I automatically lock up, chicken out and break down. As an extreme introvert, i'm only truly confident, centered and entirely comfortable being myself when secluded from the outside world. When it comes to brainstorming and sharing, I can deal with 1 or 2 people if I trust and know them very well. But physically going out and meeting strangers to verbally interact? No way. To me, it's like taking a trip to Mars. I would need days of mental preparation in order to step foot outside my door, and even then, it doesn't mean i'll perform. I'm the quiet type, you know, the guy who hates parties, bars and clubs. I'm the guy who's tortured by small talk, and I have a really hard time hiding it.

So, how am I supposed to network?

You need to know how to network to succeed in this world. You need to be able to start something and finish it if you ever want to get anywhere in life. You need to be social, and unfortunately i'm not.

Help.

i know what you mean. i usually get my projects done though, it my take me 10months or so, but i will get to it eventually, or gradually along the way. i would complete them a whole lot sooner but these are big projects usually (i could get seriously hurt if i'm not careful), and i'm by myself mostly.

interacting with folks, for me, is pretty normal. i can either strike up a conversation or silently stand casually to the side and some folks just like to talk, so i listen. i grew up new in school and standing up introducing myself was the norm.
the only advise i can give is presentation.
i have a touch-n-go association with most of my networks. i can dress for the occasion. if i need to a bit extroverted, i'll excite myself up before i meet and greet them.
folks perceive what they see in front of them. if i look like i've been hauling hay and fixing stuff all day, then by gosh that's what i was doing.

but it is like punching the gas for a short time, i can only last so long before i feel drained, so i do what i need to do, make my escape and disappear back into my seclusion

i never grew up with any networks. not until after i graduated and joined the service, and being on the ship, i realized how much i am a social butterfly but i can only stay in-company for short durations, and i need my own personal private space to recharge.
even then, just before i would walk back out from my hiding spots, i would pause before i pushed the door open and tell myself 'you got this'.. i would open the door at times and there would be such an assault on my senses because all of a sudden, there is a swarm of folks bustling about, talking, chattering, work going on, my senses would spin momentarily before it all clicked back..

... and then i step out and disappear back into the crowds...

 

[WellNoWonder]

Hey Everyone,

I was wondering if some of you would be so kind as to share some of your personal stories and advice in regards to dealing with the social networking aspect of life as an overly introverted individual. I really want to get out there and succeed at the things I love(who doesn't?), but there's this pretty heavy anchor holding me down... and it seems to be getting heavier. You see, it's not that I don't have the necessary drive and passion to keep myself motivated, in fact, i'd say i'm motivated 90% of the time.

Starting something fresh is a thrilling rush. There's nothing better. I'm always up to something new and different and love to launch new projects. The problem is none of them every get completed... ever. It seems that all the built up focus and motivation begins fading away around week 3 or 4, depending on the project. I also believe to understand why.

You see, I know that when it comes time to really put things into action, which means networking with other real human beings face to face... I automatically lock up, chicken out and break down. As an extreme introvert, i'm only truly confident, centered and entirely comfortable being myself when secluded from the outside world. When it comes to brainstorming and sharing, I can deal with 1 or 2 people if I trust and know them very well. But physically going out and meeting strangers to verbally interact? No way. To me, it's like taking a trip to Mars. I would need days of mental preparation in order to step foot outside my door, and even then, it doesn't mean i'll perform. I'm the quiet type, you know, the guy who hates parties, bars and clubs. I'm the guy who's tortured by small talk, and I have a really hard time hiding it.

So, how am I supposed to network?

You need to know how to network to succeed in this world. You need to be able to start something and finish it if you ever want to get anywhere in life. You need to be social, and unfortunately i'm not.

Help.

I hate talking on the phone. I don't like trying to coerce people into doing stuff.

My job entails both a lot of both, and part of the reason why I took the job is to push me out of my "comfort zone", and I quote this because the zones weren't really comfortable, I was just used to hanging out in them. Pick something totally weird you would never normally think to do with a short term identifiable completion date (like an 8 week class) and do it. Go to a part of town you don't usually go to and wander around. Shop in a store/market that you assume has nothing to do with the list you've already made.

It gets easier after that, trust.

 

[LucyJr]

Hi guys. I just want to say thanks again for all your help and advice.

I was actually starting believe I might be an aspie before discovering mbti . It can be quite confusing at times when personality traits end up mixing in with unrelated personal issues. It can easily lead someone to believe they have something they don't, like Asperger's Syndrome.

Personally, I have a very low self-esteem and somewhat of an inferiority complex(to the point I sometimes feel worthless), which has translated to an ongoing depression and extreme shyness. I wasn't this shy in high-school, although I was the least outgoing person in my group of friends and acquaintances. I could and still can go out to restaurants, shops, parks, trips, etc. I can also talk with strangers, it's just that after about 1 minute... I've had enough. Unless it's something I find interesting! Then I can ramble on for hours on end! lol. I always thought it was weird I never eventually grew into becoming extroverted and comfortable with constant social interaction like everyone else. This was the first major sign that made me believe something was definitely "wrong" with me. Why did I seem "cold" and disconnected in conversations most of the time? Why wasn't I interested in small talk like everyone else? Why don't I want to go to the club or the bar every weekend? Why was I petrified of being in large groups and feared being put on the spot? I should love to be the centre of attention! Who doesn't? I must be crazy!

I also feel so constantly self-conscious about how I look, move, walk, talk and come off to the world around me that it's forced me into this box I can't escape. Add this to the fact that I can't attend parties or hang out with friends without having to leave shortly after to "recharge" and voila... "I must have Asperger's Syndrome". The only thing is that I love looking into the eyes of others when I speak to them, I love emotionally connecting with them, and I understand humour, sarcasm and social cues, which they say Aspies have a hard time doing. I'm also not really sensitive to things like touch and light, except maybe the sun at this point from being inside so much.

I definitely have major issues I need to work out, but i'm so glad I learned about MBTI being an INFj. It's injected some sense to this crazy world of mine. I'm also super stoked to have found you guys and this place!

Hy man. I myself had a very low self-esteem when I was 18-19. But not anymore. To have confidence it's an easy thing, believe me.
Now, "just do it" , "just believe in yourself" won't work, ever. Because the one who has a low self-esteem believes some things about him wich are not true, wich are lies, but that person still believes these lies are truths. So "just do it" won't work, because it's irational.
So, for example, if I think about me I am a stupid person, advising me that I am a smart person and shout at me "just do it" won't work, because, I really think of me as a stupid person, so how could I believe a lie, namely that I'm a smart person? Can you see that? That's the problem, right here !
So the answer is...? Well, the answer it's pretty simple:I have to get rid of those lies, and BUM... I have CONFIDENCE !

Now, with the inferiority complex it's pretty much the same thing: that inferiority complex becomes so big in my eyes, and so important to the point where I undervalue my other capacities of any kind, and I undervalue me as a person, feeling worthless. It's that defect that bothers me so much to the point that I feel worthless. Now, here is the lie: my inferiority complex, as bad as it is, can not attend to my value as a person.
Even if I'm stupid, I still have value, as much as a smart person. When you believe that, when you KNOW that, you have STRONG CONFIDENCE,, and nothing can touch you.
If you want, we can talk more in private. I would love to help you with anything I can

 

[Gerty]

Hey Everyone,

I was wondering if some of you would be so kind as to share some of your personal stories and advice in regards to dealing with the social networking aspect of life as an overly introverted individual. I really want to get out there and succeed at the things I love(who doesn't?), but there's this pretty heavy anchor holding me down... and it seems to be getting heavier. You see, it's not that I don't have the necessary drive and passion to keep myself motivated, in fact, i'd say i'm motivated 90% of the time.

Starting something fresh is a thrilling rush. There's nothing better. I'm always up to something new and different and love to launch new projects. The problem is none of them every get completed... ever. It seems that all the built up focus and motivation begins fading away around week 3 or 4, depending on the project. I also believe to understand why.

You see, I know that when it comes time to really put things into action, which means networking with other real human beings face to face... I automatically lock up, chicken out and break down. As an extreme introvert, i'm only truly confident, centered and entirely comfortable being myself when secluded from the outside world. When it comes to brainstorming and sharing, I can deal with 1 or 2 people if I trust and know them very well. But physically going out and meeting strangers to verbally interact? No way. To me, it's like taking a trip to Mars. I would need days of mental preparation in order to step foot outside my door, and even then, it doesn't mean i'll perform. I'm the quiet type, you know, the guy who hates parties, bars and clubs. I'm the guy who's tortured by small talk, and I have a really hard time hiding it.

So, how am I supposed to network?

You need to know how to network to succeed in this world. You need to be able to start something and finish it if you ever want to get anywhere in life. You need to be social, and unfortunately i'm not.

Help.

Interesting question!
"networking" is one of those terms that elicits a reflexive shudder for me. The idea of inserting myself into conversations with strangers - People I haven't had time to sort of size up, or find common ground with - ugh. Scrubbing rest-area toilets is far more appealing to me than the most posh party.

But networking really IS doable for the introvert. I waited tables and bartended for years. If I wanted to earn a living, I had to be personable, even charming. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I had a reason to talk to the customers, and pleasant patter made my day go by more quickly. I just used my nonverbal "listening" skills to script that patter. the sad-looking businessman sitting alone seemed a little brighter when I noted the picture of his pretty wife in the wallet he opened when he sat down. The exhausted parents always seemed to relax a little when I chatted up their toddlers scribbling busily in their coloring books. Plus, I had to read them to know if they hated their food and were afraid to complain, or when they were clearly in a hurry and needed me to wheedle to chef into putting a little speed into their orders.

If you have to be at a networking "event," you really don't have to ensure that you chat up every humanoid you see. INFJ's can watch and listen and figure out relatively quickly which people they might be able to connect with a little - People with whom they can be themselves and not terrify Those are the only people you'd want to work for, anyway, most likely, and if nothing else, you get to learn new and interesting things.

When you listen a little more carefully and look a little more closely at the people with whom you interact, as introverts seem to do, it's easy to become overloaded. Crowds are cacophony. So you reduce the crowd in your own mind, and do what you do best...Really listen to the person, one at a time.