infj/entp issues

[CindyLou]

Although she's not Amish she was raised very traditionally and homeschooled. I can't see what I'm typing so please excuse me if parts are messed up. I've been doing (already) most of the great advice in the last two post. We actually have an amazing relationship! We make each other laugh all the time and love each other a lot. Yes we different on beliefs but not ideas, she's a smart reasonable woman, and we work really well together. But for the most part we've ignored her family and her "beliefs". She actually doesn't agree with most of the Bible, but she still believes in god. Her family are the traditional ones. Moving away was originally a joke between me and her but now we've decided that Texas is to hot and really kind of backwards so we want to move for other reasons as well. I don't know if she'll ever be able to confront her parents, she made it clear that she was never going to tell them about her virginity... but I was hoping that if we get married we could avoid things like baptisms and forcing our kids to follow silly traditions (she's not Baptist, just an example).

For the record, I appreciate. The last two post, that's exactly the type of response I was looking for
thanks!
I especially like the part about letting her make her own decisions because lately I've been pushy, I think she'll come around, she already resents a lot of her upbringing, and even of she doesn't, I believe. In Dr. Manhattan, so I can't really be upset with her for god

I hope you can see why how you worded your OP you didn't get the response you were looking for initially. You come to an INFJ forum and make a generalization that most feelers are irrational twats, you call Christianity unreasonable, (it's not) and not worth respect, that you know that religion is poisonous, and make many other ignorant, polemic comments all the while calling yourself brilliant and intelligent...it was a little awkward to read as I was a little embarrassed for you.

Now that you've stated what you truly think now that you're done letting everyone know how intelligent you are, I see that you probably are being genuine about wondering what you should do. It's wise for you to think about the future and what you can and can not tolerate when it comes to religion. I married a Catholic, and me not being particularly religious didn't want my daughter baptized when she was born..and after that when it came to holidays things were awkward. Things might be great initially but once you bring children in the world don't be surprised if she want's to reclaim some of her old beliefs. I held firm not allowing my daughter to be baptized (I wanted that to be her decision) but I'm not afraid of her being exposed to ideas and beliefs outside of mine, children should be exposed to many different ideas and beliefs, but at the same time you need to be comfortable too. If you are afraid her parents will undermine you these are legit concerns...these are very legit concerns and as long as you communicate and decide on what you will do before you get married, well that is the best you can do. You can't really control the future. She might change her mind about everything but at least you can remind her of the discussion.

You said that she does not believe most of the Bible, so do you know what parts she still believes? Do any of those include baptisms and the like? How important is God and faith to her and in her life? I'm not sure what kind of Christian says they don't believe most of the bible, so I'm going to guess you don't have much to worry about as far as Christianity is concerned. You've only been dating a few months, but sooner or later you need to meet her parents don't you think? Have you guys talked about meeting them? Do you really want to marry into a family that wouldn't accept you?

 

[Sriracha]

Are you her first real boyfriend?

 

[Norton]

This doesn't sound like a healthy situation.

 

[lilgreengal]

what is important to her?

If an INFJ holds family, faith and love as their mainstays of life, and she loves you, if you were to put her in this position of having to choose between the three, i don't see how that will not create a huge dissonance within her and tear her apart.

while her way of life and faith and family may be silly to you, keep in mind that this was the blueprint she has been raised with. So no matter how much she may say she rebels against the system, if she has never known any other way, how could she truly choose?

Are you able to be her family, her faith and her love altogether?

Otherwise, by forcing her to this choice, you're not giving her anything else to replace the first two with?..

how is that love?

 

[Matt3737]

Although she's not Amish she was raised very traditionally and homeschooled. I can't see what I'm typing so please excuse me if parts are messed up. I've been doing (already) most of the great advice in the last two post. We actually have an amazing relationship! We make each other laugh all the time and love each other a lot. Yes we different on beliefs but not ideas, she's a smart reasonable woman, and we work really well together. But for the most part we've ignored her family and her "beliefs". She actually doesn't agree with most of the Bible, but she still believes in god. Her family are the traditional ones. Moving away was originally a joke between me and her but now we've decided that Texas is to hot and really kind of backwards so we want to move for other reasons as well. I don't know if she'll ever be able to confront her parents, she made it clear that she was never going to tell them about her virginity... but I was hoping that if we get married we could avoid things like baptisms and forcing our kids to follow silly traditions (she's not Baptist, just an example).

For the record, I appreciate. The last two post, that's exactly the type of response I was looking for
thanks!
I especially like the part about letting her make her own decisions because lately I've been pushy, I think she'll come around, she already resents a lot of her upbringing, and even of she doesn't, I believe. In Dr. Manhattan, so I can't really be upset with her for god

Basing the probability of success in a relationship only on positive reinforcement is a trainwreck waiting to happen. Your capabilities for a meaningful relationship will remain only at the level of puppy love at best. You are intent on manipulating an individual to conflict with their family and upbringing. You believe her life, thoughts, and emotions should revolve around you alone, and for that you are immature. What's going to occur during a serious relationship stress is that all that negativity will come to the surface and neither of you will be able to cope because the entirety of your relationship will have been based on positive reinforcement and that will be the end of that. You are not ready.

 

[sweaverit]

I think you need to back off and let her figure out who she is and what she believes before you try to have a relationship with her!!!! You're influencing her. She was RAISED with these VALUES and MORALS engrained into her, and you despise that part of her. But it will ALWAYS be a part of her. My worry is that she is changing herself to be with YOU, whether its a conscious change or not. Every woman has a sub conscious need to have this question answered: AM I BEAUTIFUL, AM I ENOUGH? We will go to great lengths to do so! If this is what is happening, one day she will realize it and what you are building will crumble!

 

[CAptain]

I've been dating an inch for a few months now, and we've always avoided religious talks, the first one we had was within the first two months of our relationship and we fought. We got over it and I just tender to avoid it and I think she did as well.

Lately, the topic has returned and its been the source of recent conflict. The issue is that like most entps(an assumption) were pretty unreligious and she's a Christian. Now, with that said, one of the biggest attractions I had towards her, which is quite a long list, is that she's exceptionally talented at logic/reason for an feeler and a woman (not trying to be sexist).
I'm a cold heartless bastard and she makes me feel in ways that I never have, but she's not an irrational twat that most feelers tend to be. She can love me like a feeler and then keep up with me intellectually, and that's a precious feature that is priceless. She's the only person who can make me cry, and make me care... about anything.

But she was raised as a Christian and her parents are pretty much omish and she has a lot of sensing-judging values that trap her mind and she spends a great deal of time and energy keeping the peace by living a lifestyle that I think isn't her. And I don't even think she realizes the extent to which she's enslaved.

In any case, its hard for me to respect the Christian faith for many reasons, but I am normally tolerant of their beliefs but I've been heavily thinking about our future and I love her very much, but I don't know how raising kids and being married is going to work. I don't want to teach my kids religion, I want to teach them reason, and if that leads to religion (which I don't see) then so be it. But what scares me is that she will undermine me or her parents will and I don't think I could handle that. I really want to raise kids and make then as adventurous and brilliant as I am, I want to share my amazing world with them and I know that religion is poisonous.

Thoughts?

Disregarding danger signs in a relationship is like ignoring the warning signals on your car

 

[Trifoilum]

This is her journey, and hers alone.

Stay away from her beliefs-- her response, her thoughts of it; unless you are ready for the long term (and by that I may mean lifetime) part on changing her beliefs; her relationships with her parents; her entire life -- for better or worse. Especially when children are involved. I'm sure you won't enjoy it in any way if she barges into your beliefs? Not that you shouldn't listen or discuss; but don't try to sway her direction towards your direction. You want to be the option, not the obstacle.

Still, stay there. Be there if she needed you; accompany her in her journey; show her how good your beliefs are, not how bad her beliefs are. And lastly, take her decisions as it is -- and if it leads to the finish line, I'm sorry but that might be for the better.

 

[technics]

I really want to raise kids and make then as adventurous and brilliant as I am

*cough* *cough*

 

[Lerxst]

Get out while you still can!

Or at least back off and give her some space. No, seriously... for two reasons:

1 - She's was raised in a very sheltered life. Those values aren't going to disappear overnight, so she's going to need to figure out what to do. Having someone to tell "us" what to do doesn't go over very well either. INFJ's need a lot of room to reflect internally, constantly bringing it up around her will probably not end very well.

2 - You're (I take it) an ENTP. No offense, but ENTP's I've known don't have the long-term dedication, patience or tolerance to live with a person or situation they're uncomfortable with or that "needs work". She's definitely going be the "high maintenance" type of partner, not really in the physical aspect but more so the emotional/psychological type. If you think you can handle that, then great, but just keep that in mind when you start to get stressed...

 

[namiasdf]

Here's how my dad's situation went.

My mom disrespected my grandparents (dads side) for various reasons. It's not like my mom was being a "bitch" she was just sticking up for herself. The females that marry into my dad's family usually submit to the overbearing presence of my dad's side of the family (we're all loud, fat, Chinese men. I'm not even kidding). My mom is pretty outspoken, so when she denied this assimilation my grandparents gave my dad an ultimatum, he choose my mom.

I hope your girlfriend's love will allow her to see that the rest of her life is not her parents, but you.

You're sorta in the non-actor position right now. Your girlfriend needs to make the choice here.

My dad doesnt' talk to any of his family anymore. I've been basically estranged from my cousins. I don't really care because I hate the stereo-typical Asian kid, so concerned about expensive clothing, watches, cars.
But that's besides the point. I hope this helps.