INFJ ex-bf moved on really fast

milkandhoney23 said:
I might just be speculating though. I'm taking the hard road to healing and self-improvement so I'm a little bit proud of myself for that
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You won't be disappointed if you continue on this path. And @Asa is right. You don't need to know anything about what is happening in that relationship. It will only keep hurting you. If he is love bombing this new person in an effort to move on and not deal with his internal self, then I'd say you dodged a bullet. Be thankful. And move forward with self knowledge and improvement.
 
Milktoast Bandit said:
You won't be disappointed if you continue on this path. And @Asa is right. You don't need to know anything about what is happening in that relationship. It will only keep hurting you. If he is love bombing this new person in an effort to move on and not deal with his internal self, then I'd say you dodged a bullet. Be thankful. And move forward with self knowledge and improvement.
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Sorry, I don't know if love bombing is the right term for it. I'm describing how someone shows a large display of affection and showers the other person with gifts even though they've only been known each other for a short time. Not sure if it's an INFJ thing where they put their whole heart into a relationship.
 
we live in a break-up culture everyone is a special snowflake living their best life with whoever is best for them at whatever phase they think they're in
 

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milkandhoney23 said:
I'm having internal battle in my mind for the past months about. He's the best person ever or he's not that great of a catch. For example, I remember back then I was turned off by how he's not adult enough or how he's too short. All of a sudden now, I think the opposite of all that. Putting him on a pedestal has been further reaffirmed after he got with his coworker at his new job. If someone else wants to go out with him, he must be great. I'm so blinded by losing him that I put him on a pedestal now and I can't tell or remember exactly if he really was that good. My mind is making up a bunch of stuff because of how I feel -- like I can't tell what's true and what's not, what actually happened and what didn't. Thank you for letting me know though. I need to get out of my fucking mind because it's killing me right now.
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Whether or not he was great is irrelevant. What is apparent is that he is not great for you. I know it's hard, but try to shift your mind away from him. Instead of surrounding your thoughts with thoughts about him, fill your head with things you can do for yourself. I know the self doesn't seem to be a great place to be at but imagine ever learning to love yourself, telling her to be kind, to forgive, to pamper her, to treat her to delicious healthy meals... I think that's a much better place to be it. :)
 
Pin said:
I'm going to be quick.

There's no point in dating unless your intention is to get married and start a family soon. Otherwise, you're wasting one another's time and are most likely going to break up.

If you want a lasting relationship don't look for men who just want to date. Look for men who want to get married and start families.

Remember: finding a husband and starting a family gets harder the older you get. Don't waste your youth on passion, lust, and fleeting feelings.

Love and intimacy must lead to marriage and family, otherwise you're just using a man as a diary and dildo.
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This is true.

To be fair, women nowadays are not so keen on the married thing either (or possibly even men?!). Let's rephrase.

Marriage is a social construct that human society made to make life less despicable. Under the wrong circumstances however, it makes life more despicable. So people created the notion for marriage in love as if it is the solution to everything. It is not. It is simply a happy circumstance in your life, should it ever come. It is not a goal.

The goal is to find love among life, and that is a journey that begins within you. (Cliche alert!) If you don't have love within you, not only men but everything within your scope of vision would be worthless.

That said, what then would be the point of dating if it's just for release? People who need things this temporary are people who have not managed the quench for love within them and have not managed to learn to find it within them too.

The problem with love is that it is not a band aid solution, but people seem to think so. Love is not external to us either. It is within us.

It is a lifetime struggle alone to learn to love yourself and so we meet people who help us remember what it is to love and be loved. Often times, that stuff leads to marriage. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes rather than reminding each other of the love within us, we remind each other of the wounds. At which point, you can either choose to fix it to grow and heal together, or to let each other go and find love elsewhere.

But elsewhere, in this case this rebound girl, is a mystery. Maybe she is a rebound girl but whatever be the case, he seems to think she reminds him of love now more than you.

I hate that I said that because I know you feel like shit. My dear, you are not. Don't ever let another, especially a man, make you deeply question the love within you to the point of losing your sense of love for yourself. In my view, all love that makes us begin to love ourselves less is not worth it. Love should be multiplied and propagated (hence babies), not consumed.

Now, you are wounded but you must heal. You must awaken and propagate the love within you. Pamper yourself if that is what you need now. Cry it all out if that is what you need. Give yourself what it needs, but it must be a need that emanates within you. If you think you need him, that is not true. You need what he used to be able to awaken in you. Where else would you find that? (And nope, other people are not allowed in this equation. We have to he responsible)

This is no longer about him. This is about you. And that's a beautiful place to be at :)
 
MINFJToothFairy said:
This is true.

To be fair, women nowadays are not so keen on the married thing either (or possibly even men?!). Let's rephrase.

Marriage is a social construct that human society made to make life less despicable. Under the wrong circumstances however, it makes life more despicable. So people created the notion for marriage in love as if it is the solution to everything. It is not. It is simply a happy circumstance in your life, should it ever come. It is not a goal.

The goal is to find love among life, and that is a journey that begins within you. (Cliche alert!) If you don't have love within you, not only men but everything within your scope of vision would be worthless.

That said, what then would be the point of dating if it's just for release? People who need things this temporary are people who have not managed the quench for love within them and have not managed to learn to find it within them too.

The problem with love is that it is not a band aid solution, but people seem to think so. Love is not external to us either. It is within us.

It is a lifetime struggle alone to learn to love yourself and so we meet people who help us remember what it is to love and be loved. Often times, that stuff leads to marriage. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes rather than reminding each other of the love within us, we remind each other of the wounds. At which point, you can either choose to fix it to grow and heal together, or to let each other go and find love elsewhere.

But elsewhere, in this case this rebound girl, is a mystery. Maybe she is a rebound girl but whatever be the case, he seems to think she reminds him of love now more than you.

I hate that I said that because I know you feel like shit. My dear, you are not. Don't ever let another, especially a man, make you deeply question the love within you to the point of losing your sense of love for yourself. In my view, all love that makes us begin to love ourselves less is not worth it. Love should be multiplied and propagated (hence babies), not consumed.

Now, you are wounded but you must heal. You must awaken and propagate the love within you. Pamper yourself if that is what you need now. Cry it all out if that is what you need. Give yourself what it needs, but it must be a need that emanates within you. If you think you need him, that is not true. You need what he used to be able to awaken in you. Where else would you find that? (And nope, other people are not allowed in this equation. We have to he responsible)

This is no longer about him. This is about you. And that's a beautiful place to be at :)
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I respectfully disagree with your view of marriage and there's no need to get into that here or anywhere else because I believe we'll just disagree and that's fine. That's said, I enjoy this post (not)Cleve and agree with everything but the marriage. Yay! I guess I won't doorslam you... Yet...
 
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Milktoast Bandit said:
I respectfully disagree with your view of marriage and there's no need to get into that here or anywhere else because I believe we'll just disagree and that's fine. That's said, I enjoy this post Cleve and agree with everything but the marriage. Yay! I guess I won't doorslam you... Yet...
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LOL @Milktoast Bandit you talkin to cleve? But you quoted me? I'm confused. :grimacing:

In any case, I still want to hear your views on marriage. I was once a believer. But nowadays, I see old married people and I see love and friendship.

Marriage, just like religion, is also a social construct. But in any case, God exists and love exists. I am however referring to marriage on paper. Union in love is something else.

Ok next. Lol
 
MINFJToothFairy said:
There is no relationship post doorslam. Only remnants of what was a relationship
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the fact that one is given amnesty for a doorslam or is at least given more grace because they are sensitive sets a double standard. it implies one should be treated differently by being aware of one's sensitivities while the other less-sensitive person is not afforded the same. it's a double standard

this is literally "the beef" i have with infjs. i don't know why they generally cannot see this imbalance
 
MINFJToothFairy said:
LOL @Milktoast Bandit you talkin to cleve? But you quoted me? I'm confused. :grimacing:

In any case, I still want to hear your views on marriage. I was once a believer. But nowadays, I see old married people and I see love and friendship.

Marriage, just like religion, is also a social construct. But in any case, God exists and love exists. I am however referring to marriage on paper. Union in love is something else.

Ok next. Lol
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Hahhhahh!!!! Wtf!!!!!!
 
the marriage thing was merely to point out people are favoring individuality and their subjective personal values and goals more and more. if that's true, then i would expect relationships to end much more frequently. if more relationships are ending, my intuition would think doorslams may be as well. the only counter to lowered rates of doorslams is that because people can no longer get to those intense, intimate heart-to-heart relationships, then perhaps doorslams don't happen as much because of the lack of intensity to close off
 
ClevelandINTP said:
the fact that one is given amnesty for a doorslam or is at least given more grace because they are sensitive sets a double standard. it implies one should be treated differently by being aware of one's sensitivities while the other less-sensitive person is not afforded the same. it's a double standard

this is literally "the beef" i have with infjs. i don't know why they generally cannot see this imbalance
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Door slams indicate a separation of being. No such amnesties or values of power being given to any one entity. It's just the end. That's all.
 
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