INFJ ex-bf moved on really fast

milkandhoney23 said:
I've never been with an extroverted person before so I can't imagine what it's like. Do you think after the honeymoon phase, the other person (introvert) will get worn out? I enjoy some extroversion in my life, but not sure if I want that all the time.
Click to expand...
Yeah but it's not the conversation that wears you out, it's the constant need to do stuff.

An extrovert's life is built around experience of what already exists, while an introvert's is built around creation - extroverts need to banish space and 'boredom' with activities, while introverts need that space for their minds to work in peace.
 
Honestly, I think all IN's get along very well. In all variations and permutations.

Speaking as INTP, I often felt very similar (like a soulmate) to many INFPs. We have this instant connection. It's the easiest type for me to develop crush for. Unfortunately, not such a good long term match for a romantic relationship in my experience.

With INJs there's always a bit of tension and time lag to discover how special they are. Not the instant crush feeling, but great match long term.

I haven't met a warm and feely INTJ yet. Might be ideal.
 
philostam said:
Honestly, I think all IN's get along very well. In all variations and permutations.

Speaking as INTP, I often felt very similar (like a soulmate) to many INFPs. We have this instant connection. It's the easiest type for me to develop crush for. Unfortunately, not such a good long term match for a romantic relationship in my experience.

With INJs there's always a bit of tension and time lag to discover how special they are. Not the instant crush feeling, but great match long term.

I haven't met a warm and feely INTJ yet. Might be ideal.
Click to expand...

Yeah, that's generally true about INxx. I find INFPs a little harder to open up, but you're right, once the Ne x Ne thing happens, it's pretty smooth sailing

I also agree that NPs are better off with NJs for a long term match. I find the diversity of it to be more complete, but to each their own
 
Yup, Ne x Ne really burns bright and fast, It's a very attractive and dreamy connection, full of daydreaming and potential. Espescially when combined with Si nostalgia. It's perfect for short team romance, talks long into the night etc. If that's your thing. I actually just met a new INFP at work and I am already aware of the connectuon. I think she is developing a crush for me. I would fall for her as well if I wasn't already experienced and wise. I have a great INFJ at home who I know is a better match for me.

INJs are a lot more pragmatic and averse to getting lost in some fantasy. And they are usually right, because they care for long term, and not for these extreme initial phases.

INFP and INTP long term...Nah, I don't know. Both pretty self obssesed but in different ways. I also consider INFP to be unreliable as partners, because they always strive for the new emotional high they can get with someone new. Well, at least that's my experience and I am sure many INFP would not agree with that description at all.

I agree. NPs and NJs complement each other, while NP and NP produces great chemistry and camaraderie, but ultimatelly not the best fit.
 
Last edited:
I have to mention this interaction I had the other day. My ex bumped into me again. I don't know how we keep finding each other, but I can assure you none of us are doing it on purpose.
I was in a large parking lot sitting in the backseat of my car to change clothes (getting ready for this new job I just started, and I was also just hanging around in my car till I was ready to go in. While I was changing in the backseat, a car went by (and I didn't pay much attention to it because I thought it was just a random car). They parked several meters away (and had a view of the rear of my vehicle and the back passenger seats). I just looked over to take a glance (I was looking around checking to see if nobody is looking at me while I'm changing). Lo and behold, it was him. I don't know where he works, but I believe he was going to his new job. He sat in the driver's side just staring at my vehicle with a poker face and examining it a bit. So I was in the middle of changing clothes and I lowered my body while hiding in the backseat now; hoping he'd think nothing of it and just go to his own thing... not interfere. The dude actually walked up to my car because when I raised my body again, I saw him and he saw me through the rear window. He was just standing behind my car staring at me with a serious face. I didn't make much of an expression because I was so shocked and couldn't think straight. I lowered my body again and tried to finish quickly in case he walks up to the doors and tries to do something; kind of hoping he'd go away somehow. By the time I was done, he was walking away and went to work.

That was the biggest what the fuck and awkward shit of this week for me. There were no words and no sounds made, just some serious staring; and yet I could feel the ocean of emotions coming from him! Like -- I felt some serious negative energy around him. This guy clearly still holds a lot of emotions (bad or positive... I want to say bad) and is not indifferent to me.
 
milkandhoney23 said:
I have to mention this interaction I had the other day. My ex bumped into me again. I don't know how we keep finding each other, but I can assure you none of us are doing it on purpose.
I was in a large parking lot sitting in the backseat of my car to change clothes (getting ready for this new job I just started, and I was also just hanging around in my car till I was ready to go in. While I was changing in the backseat, a car went by (and I didn't pay much attention to it because I thought it was just a random car). They parked several meters away (and had a view of the rear of my vehicle and the back passenger seats). I just looked over to take a glance (I was looking around checking to see if nobody is looking at me while I'm changing). Lo and behold, it was him. I don't know where he works, but I believe he was going to his new job. He sat in the driver's side just staring at my vehicle with a poker face and examining it a bit. So I was in the middle of changing clothes and I lowered my body while hiding in the backseat now; hoping he'd think nothing of it and just go to his own thing... not interfere. The dude actually walked up to my car because when I raised my body again, I saw him and he saw me through the rear window. He was just standing behind my car staring at me with a serious face. I didn't make much of an expression because I was so shocked and couldn't think straight. I lowered my body again and tried to finish quickly in case he walks up to the doors and tries to do something; kind of hoping he'd go away somehow. By the time I was done, he was walking away and went to work.

That was the biggest what the fuck and awkward shit of this week for me. There were no words and no sounds made, just some serious staring; and yet I could feel the ocean of emotions coming from him! Like -- I felt some serious negative energy around him. This guy clearly still holds a lot of emotions (bad or positive... I want to say bad) and is not indifferent to me.
Click to expand...

Too funny how that happens with those strong connections
 
milkandhoney23 said:
Is this new chick a rebound? Prepare for a long wall of text. This is our history:
I've known him for 2 years prior to dating him for almost 2 years. We're both in our early 20's and we were each other's first love, first everything. We were deeply in love with each other and swore we were each other's soulmates. He changed my life and I changed his in various ways. I've never connected with someone so deeply before. We rarely connect with people like this so it was special for the both of us. We could just sit in silence together forever and still feel loved and happy with each other. We were opposites in many ways, but our differences were like yin and yang. What he was bad at, I was good at and vice versa.

Unfortunately, we had some moments. We later on struggled with more school, money, work, and stress. We were both immature and inexperienced so mistakes were made on both sides; more so on mine. A lot of it was due to my insecurity and depression. We've broken up 3 times in total and he the last one was final. For the first 2 breakups, we got back together after a few days. It makes sense now why that doesn't work out because we never had taken actual time (a period of no contact) to work on myself/himself. We thought we could though. In our last breakup, he stated that we were unhappy and the relationship was getting toxic. This time, he broke up through text and insisted that we must part. He didn't even want to see me or talk because it's too painful. He insisted that it's for the best, it's better for the both of us; that we won't be able to heal until everything is taken care of. Things were very ugly in this last breakup. He even left his job (we work at the same place) at the same time. I know he had a rough time because he sent me all of that in the middle of the night.

It was two weeks in and I started no contact after leaving a note for him. I told him that I agree with us parting ways because it really was what we needed. We both had issues we needed to work on ALONE, and we especially needed a lot of time to heal. We mustn't contact each other and work on ourselves. Lastly, I still love and care about him as a person, he's an amazing friend. If there's ever a time when we've moved on from our pasts, let's reconnect with a clean slate as friends (only if we're both comfortable and ready). It's been 2 months since then.

I saw him with a new girl:
I happened to be at a cafe one morning studying and I see him and his new girl (probably met at his new job) coming in and sitting down. It was really awkward, but they didn't notice me. I was surprised to even see him dating already. The last time I interacted with him, he was very resentful and hurt by everything so I didn't expect him to move on so quickly. He's not the type to take things fast, but then again, I have no idea what's going on with him now.

This girl is nothing like me. She's like the opposite of me. I believe she's even better. She's more fashionable, girly, has designer clothing, probably nicer and sweeter, maybe has better job and house than me, probably smarter, etc... Meanwhile, I'm a tomboy who loves technology and math, is very utilitarian, wears minimal makeup, and lacks that extroverted charm that the new girl seems to have. He even looked good, better than how he dressed when we were together. I know he was trying in this date; I just know him too well... The way I saw them, they were having a long conversation and she was smiling a lot... he probably likes her smile. They both seemed a bit awkward though, but that's probably because they just started. They were even holding hands, kissing, and hugging already. Given the stage they're at, I suspect he could've started pursuing her way before 2 months. I kind of have a feeling that part of him quickly dating someone is due to instinctual reasons. He's a guy with a lot of testosterone and this probably brings him to wanting to find a woman fast.

I've been panicking and having an adrenaline rush since the moment I saw them together. Seeing him with someone else new is so painful and I feel like I'm dying again. I can't even sleep at night. I'm going through some seriously shit right now because of this and I've sought out therapy. I've stood by this guy through everything from finance to deep childhood issues...damn.
Click to expand...

indeed it's painfull.. but just stay stronger... you are best the way you are
 
If you broke up three times before, and he moved jobs to get away from you and is now seeing someone else, he is working on getting over you. It is not your business how far he has gotten in that process. All that matters is that he is trying very hard to stick to his decision.

Break ups are hard but obsessing over what your ex is doing or how they are feeling make them so much harder. You should get busy with filling your time with more happy and productive things and let the bad feelings pass. You should try to meet someone new too. The relationship is over. It's time to move on.
 
milkandhoney23 said:
Is it common for INFJ's to doorslam?

During my relationship my ex has attempted something similar but less harsh. He would ignore/block me/breakup rather than talk to me whenever there's conflict (It was over small, emotional, immature shit. No one cheated or anything extreme like that).

I personally think doorslamming is appropriate only when the person being slammed is far beyond toxic/dangerous/hurtful (someone far beyond repair or they literally have no good qualities). Other than that, if it was someone who fucked up a couple times, I usually have a talk with them and fix things. If they fucked up too many times, I'd be disappointed and upset; I'd leave them be and they can deal with themselves. However, these people are always welcomed back in my world if they prove to me that they've changed and they're sincere about it. I have a pretty open heart/mind about things. Life is too short to be resentful and not everything is permanent.
Click to expand...
Hi, sorry I'm just replying now. I just came back to this thread which requires a bit more focus than the usual banter.

Is it common? I'm not sure. I haven't met so many INFJs in my life. Personally, It takes me a very long time before I door slam. The shortest it ever took me is two years. When I was a kid and immature, I doorslammed my childhood besties when I realized our interests were no longer the same. In high school, they grew to liking cheerleading for the cute basketball jocks while I preferred books and movies. It wasn't a harsh slam. They still say they miss me, I just little by little stopped seeing them. That's unusual for INFJs because I find that when I value a friendship, I keep it to the best of my ability. I'm still bestfriends with those whose connection I valued deeply. Basically, I am picky with who to connect with but when I find it, I never let it go. Ever. I've only ever doorslammed few people in my life. One, my father. Too long a story. Two, my ex who I loved deeply but wasn't made for. I doorslammed then to ensure my survival. Three, my mentor (out of extreme anger) and last, another ex-friend but also because I needed to survive. Mind you, these are all good people that I have chosen not to be in my life because it's too difficult. I have basically reconnected (made peace) with these people too or have reached a point of gravity but I can never ever have them in my life again the same way they used to be in it. Also, relationships with these people were fostered for at least two years before the doors were finally shut. So, no. It doesn't come to me commonly.


ClevelandINTP said:
it is imbalanced if almost everything i say gets scrutinized and or misunderstood without asking for clarity. and if the reactions to things are disproportional, or, even worse, used against me. and especially if i'm affording them more grace. like if someone literally points out a physical feature on me directed at me vs. i say something about bad teeth on a movie and they freak out because they think i'm talking about them when there's nothing to suggest that. or instead of asking me for clarity about something, they unleash all kinds of verbal violence which i'm sure would not even remotely be acceptable from me. imbalanced, vague and cruel

i've been physically and verbally attacked by infjs... multiple. never any other type. well, maybe intj (barely, and it was one and a unique situation even though they were out of line)

i assure you my actions didn't deserve those responses

i'd love to talk about relationships vs friendships because i don't think there's as much of a difference on fundamental levels
Click to expand...

I think rather than MBTI, these are simply points of miscommunication. I'm close with several NTPs, you have a way of talking that you think is harmless but it doesn't always come off that way. You have the tendency to be stubborn, fixed in your views, and less tolerant of people around you. INFJs are simply expecting you to be a bit more tolerant because this is what is usual for them: tolerance. But you see not all NTPs are truly like this. So yeah, not necessarily MBTI. Anyhow, I found that if I take the time to put away my feelings and communicate with an NTP as lucidly as possible, my feelings are in fact resolved. It takes a lot of adjusting and often we are willing to do it for those we love. If we don't have enough patience, there is not enough love (at least for dates).
 
Deleted member 16771 said:
Yeah but it's not the conversation that wears you out, it's the constant need to do stuff.

An extrovert's life is built around experience of what already exists, while an introvert's is built around creation - extroverts need to banish space and 'boredom' with activities, while introverts need that space for their minds to work in peace.
Click to expand...

And this is why my ENFJ mother and I constantly fought about many things. I was often nagged as too lazy. Mother, I am not lazy. I am thinking on my bed. I'm staring at the ceiling can you not see that? Lol.


milkandhoney23 said:
Sometimes we pair better with people alike so that we understand each other completely and other times, we pair better with opposites so that each person makes up for something the other lacks. I do enjoy my types though because like you've said, they think and act rationally. Everything is direct and honest regardless of how harsh the truth is; something my ex had a hard time bringing himself to do because he didn't want to feel bad or guilty. Just like you, I do need someone with feelings once in a while. It's not fun when we're both like robots.

You're right about the feelings. I'm an extremely loving and loyal individual but I don't display a lot of feelings/emotions. I don't know if you get what I mean but I hold an unconditional love for someone but I have a bit of trouble expressing those feelings. I don't say "I love you" everyday and my ex thought I didn't love him because of that. I actually show my love through all my actions; everything I do for them and us. I won't go into detail about the psycho part, but you're also kind of right on that. I'm not sure if it's all but I think many INTJ's have psycho tendencies. I think this act comes out when they feel fucked over/treated unfairly. This is based on personal experience..
Click to expand...

Lol my bestfriends are INTJs. We don't have this problem. Hahahha. Sometimes I'm the baby, sometimes they are. It's why I love being with INTJs, I can rest easily. I do tend to be more sensitive than they are. I care more for their moods but I get over it when they say I'm being a drama queen again. It's usually because they're right. Lol

ClevelandINTP said:
They would also dump a written diary of emotions on me. Literally. I'm not a therapist
Click to expand...

:tearsofjoy:

It's how they show they love you. Lol you are so not built for an INFJ, Cleve. And yet they make you feel so damn understood, don't they? You miss them and you like them. :tonguewink:

milkandhoney23 said:
I have to mention this interaction I had the other day. My ex bumped into me again. I don't know how we keep finding each other, but I can assure you none of us are doing it on purpose.
I was in a large parking lot sitting in the backseat of my car to change clothes (getting ready for this new job I just started, and I was also just hanging around in my car till I was ready to go in. While I was changing in the backseat, a car went by (and I didn't pay much attention to it because I thought it was just a random car). They parked several meters away (and had a view of the rear of my vehicle and the back passenger seats). I just looked over to take a glance (I was looking around checking to see if nobody is looking at me while I'm changing). Lo and behold, it was him. I don't know where he works, but I believe he was going to his new job. He sat in the driver's side just staring at my vehicle with a poker face and examining it a bit. So I was in the middle of changing clothes and I lowered my body while hiding in the backseat now; hoping he'd think nothing of it and just go to his own thing... not interfere. The dude actually walked up to my car because when I raised my body again, I saw him and he saw me through the rear window. He was just standing behind my car staring at me with a serious face. I didn't make much of an expression because I was so shocked and couldn't think straight. I lowered my body again and tried to finish quickly in case he walks up to the doors and tries to do something; kind of hoping he'd go away somehow. By the time I was done, he was walking away and went to work.

That was the biggest what the fuck and awkward shit of this week for me. There were no words and no sounds made, just some serious staring; and yet I could feel the ocean of emotions coming from him! Like -- I felt some serious negative energy around him. This guy clearly still holds a lot of emotions (bad or positive... I want to say bad) and is not indifferent to me.
Click to expand...


Hahhaa awkward. Your ex is an odd guy. I wonder what he's still thinking. I'm sorry I'm going to be a bit frank but mbti regardless, he isn't sounding much like a good catch for you. Let him go.
 
MINFJToothFairy said:
It's how they show they love you. Lol you are so not built for an INFJ, Cleve. And yet they make you feel so damn understood, don't they? You miss them and you like them. :tonguewink:
Click to expand...

I sense joking, but that was about an ENFP. Honestly, the frustration with INFJs is I never feel like I can be myself with them nor do I feel particularly understood

Bold of you to assume that. It's like the INFJ almost has to live up to that reputation. I've never had more misunderstandings in my life than I have had with INFJs. Even if they do understand you, they are a type to shove it back in your face via door slam so what's the point
 
I suppose I had to deal with the diary dumping with an INFJ before. And that was so one-sided I became resentful. Like they can just dump and dump and dump their emotional turmoil on me, yet god forbid I want to talk to them about anything going on with me. It's exacerbated in romantic relationships. Then if I voice that sentiment to them, they do the emotional thing and act like they're a failure. It's like, no, I just want you to understand what a reciprocal relationship actually is

So in that sense, no I am not built for an INFJ because I would be the one giving too much

Chew on that
 
Seriously, it's potentially an issue for INTx in general. We don't need much due to that inferior feeling function. So, we don't need many feelings (even if we like them), yet they are more taxing for us to push out. It creates a dynamic where we are giving more, relatively speaking

INTPs, from my experience, can enjoy the Fe thing, but if it's not integrated well with Ti-Ne, it can become problematic. Like Fe for us gets filled up easily, and then we are good

I can't tell you how many times I've had to explain this concept to partners. It's not how we are wired, so we then are not accepted. Being understood without acceptance is extremely disheartening
 
ClevelandINTP said:
I suppose I had to deal with the diary dumping with an INFJ before. And that was so one-sided I became resentful. Like they can just dump and dump and dump their emotional turmoil on me, yet god forbid I want to talk to them about anything going on with me. It's exacerbated in romantic relationships. Then if I voice that sentiment to them, they do the emotional thing and act like they're a failure. It's like, no, I just want you to understand what a reciprocal relationship actually is

So in that sense, no I am not built for an INFJ because I would be the one giving too much

Chew on that
Click to expand...
I won't disagree with this. INTPs in my life do tend to spoil me. What's that about?
 
MINFJToothFairy said:
I won't disagree with this. INTPs in my life do tend to spoil me. What's that about?
Click to expand...

Well, don't take that for granted. We like people despite the low feeling stereotype and show it in other ways. Ti is very much about absorbing and understanding, Ne is pretty playful and open, Si is our loyalty function, inferior Fe is A MOTHER FUCKING WELL OF PENT OF FEELINGS SAVED FOR THE FEW WE DEEM WORTHY TO SPEND IT ON
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top