[INFJ] INFJ + INFJ and the importance of being understood

[lightning23]

Hey guys. I just took some MBTI tests last week which told me I was INFJ, and it describes me so well. I want to ask for your opinion on something. As an INFJ it's hard for me to really fall for guys (not like having a crush, like really falling for them) because its hard to find a connection that is natural and not forced and a level of understanding. This year though, I ended up falling for my one of my best guy friends, also INFJ, one of only two besides myself that I've met. He's the only person (not just guy or peer) that I've ever met that fully understands, not just appreciates, me. When I talk about things like dreams or existence, instead of him being confused or pretending to understand, he literally finishes my sentences when I can't find the words. He helps me recognize the potential I fail to see in myself. And we write together, and our shared collection of abstract prose is almost a shared journal. We have this crazy empathetic connection, I always know how he's feeling and absorb his feelings like a sponge. I thought I was just crazy about it until I overheard a mutual friend talking about it and my other INFJ asked me if the two of us had a deep soul connection. She apparently asked him too, and he confirmed it, but told her he'd explain it later and never did. We're on break from school now, and even though we talk over Facebook and Skype, I miss him a lot.

The problem is that I've totally fallen for him, but he's not a healthy INFJ. He has horrible depression, constantly tries to repress his emotions, and is insanely private. Honestly, it's not that I don't think that that he doesn't feel what's between us, I just know that he feels guilty dating anyone right now. He is having so many personal problems that he doesn't feel like he should date anyone. I want to move on, but I don't want to loose the only person who has ever understood me and my best friend. Irrationally I feel like doorslamming him, but that would be selfish and insensitive, not to mention difficult because he rooms with my other best friend, and would probably break my heart. I want to be there for him, regardless if it is romantically or not, because I care about him, but its difficult to cut out some of my feelings. I Feel as if I should date other guys because I'm nineteen and need experience both dating and opening myself up to someone, but it's hard getting interested in other people when I feel so deeply for him. What should I do?

And so this not all about me, what importance do you guys but on being fully understood? Is that hard for you guys to find? Do you gravitate towards people who understand you? Do you look for it romantically?

 

[elect locution]

That's intense. I think you are going to need some serious geographical distance to leave him if you are intent on it. INFJ are not good at breakups even in bad relationships--let alone transcendental connections.

As such, my instinct is to tell you that if you see good potential for growth in him, help him and support him. It will take years, but every INFJ in the world is looking for the kind of connection that you describe. I am also a male INFJ and I was an emotional hurricane throughout childhood and throughout college, but I grew out of it--ever so slowly--by my age of 24 now. I still struggle with moods and anxiety, but my emotions are entirely contained now and no longer manifest as outwards bursts of tears and rage. Indeed, INFJ do tend to stabilize as they grow--especially if they get into the right habits like meditation, regular exercise, and a career well-aligned with their ideals. INFJ often need these regular practices. Even today, when I miss workouts or go too long without meditation, I suffer.

However, you are still quite young at 19 and there is something to be said for becoming your own person, forging your own identity independent of all others. You might then find someone who "rounds you out" better--who brings some stability to your fire.

I had a sweetheart in high school and I left her to find my own way in the world when I left for university. I didn't get over her for five years, but I have developed into a much more stable and independent person than I suspect I would have been if I clung to her.

This is a hard decision and I don't think there is a clear right answer. Each path has its joys and agonies.

 

[Whiskers]

I think your friend is wise to abstain from dating anyone right now. In my opinion, when someone has serious problems they need to address with themselves, these issues tend to be an obstacle to a healthy relationship. If you two are ever to date, perhaps your friend should do some soul searching first, and hopefully reach a better place psychologically; this may give you two the best chance to eventually flourish as a couple. For the time being, it seems to me like your friend is well-suited to the role he occupies in relation to you, i.e. as a platonic companion. His understanding of you and his communications with you in light of this are obviously valuable to you. Hopefully he can grow to be comfortable in sharing more of his currently private world with you. That would strike me as a more equal exchange that I think provides a good foundation for a relationship.

As for whether I seek to be thoroughly understood in a relationship- I try to strive for understanding over being understood, but the latter is certainly appreciable and welcome.

 

[lightning23]

Thanks guys. You guys are definitely right, I seems similar to kind of what I've been reflecting on. I guess its good that I have the summer away so that I can kind of separate my heart from my head a little more.

 

[SilverFire]

I think your friend is right, though, in not wanting to date anyone right now. He recognizes that he isn't in a good place, and though it hurts like eating scorpions, to really care for him means giving him the space and the time to heal. INFJs want to be understood -- and I realized from reading the posts up above that I'm not alone in feeling that intensely -- but he's also a guy, which means that he wants to be respected. This summer you have = blessing in disguise. If it helps, there's no timetable and no rush. You have three whole months to let things shake out.

 

[Chessie]

I've dated unhealthy INFJ's before and while we can be helped the process is extraordinarily time consuming. While you are probably capable of that I don't recommend it no matter how much you care for him. His mind will have to heal and unless you're prepared to spend time each and every day on this (an hour minimum) for at least two to three months then rebuilding him could take... well, a very long time. Yes, I am saying two to three months is a short period.

One thing I will say that many will not. A huge part of depression is physical.

He needs a consistent diet. That means food three or four times a day. If he tells you he's eating 'One big meal' every day or isn't getting enough then he's damaging his mood SEVERELY. Over time that causes literal physical damage to the brain.

He'll also need exercise. Aerobic exercise at least three times a week. A walk, if nothing else, with sunlight. If he's not taking a multi-vitamin, have him start. Any one of a long list of deficiencies can cause depression.

You can't 'talk him through' the physical side of things. He has to do those things or he won't heal. Period.