INFJ Loneliness

[AngelineIsTyping]

I often feel like an outsider at school despite having a few friends. But lately I’ve broken it off with two best friends because they are simply no longer the friends I need. Whenever they confide in me, I listen, but when it’s my turn, they dismiss my sorrow as “common” or “pessimistic”. Sometimes we INFJs often try to understand other people but find it hard to let them in—or if we do, they don’t see us. My crush who rejected me a few days ago accused me of “liking the idea of him”, as if I was the shallow type of girl who would only fall in love with a perfect version of somebody. I felt so hurt and heartbroken. I had seen his scars without him having to tell me. He might think he hid himself well but he is a terrible actor—to me, not everybody else.

Mostly I think other people treat us like that because some shallow hearts are not made for depth; they would drown in our ocean waves. It has less to do with us and more to do with them. Maybe it’s a universal thing, to love and not be loved in return. But for us, the scars run deeper.

I went to the graduation ceremony yesterday in a good mood, with my newly painted nails and purple hair, promising myself that I would face them bravely despite the rejection of my crush and the fact that everybody in my class knew. I was chatting with a friend when I turned around in my seat and accidentally caught a glimpse of my ex-crush and suddenly all the emotions swirled around me like a maelstrom and I got this really choked-up feeling inside, like I couldn’t breathe. He looked so good—luminous smile, tousled hair, clean shirt—even though a few days ago he had broken my heart. He gets to walk away unfazed while I am left in pieces—how is this even fair? I ended up leaving the graduation performance early because I was so depressed.

Have you ever felt lonely in a crowd? The way the music is blaring around you and people are dancing onstage and the audience is cheering, but you get this hollow feeling in your heart. And get this—you can’t talk to anybody about this, because no one has time to listen. No one attaches importance to your heartbreaks and dismiss it as “lesser” compared to other types of grief. But unrequited love means grieving for the love that could have been. And I’m done explaining myself to all these people who don’t get me. Sometimes I wish the world was just me so I don’t have to live up to expectations and endure the tribulations this universe offers.

Sorry for being pessimistic. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way.

 

[Rift Zone]

So I'm a male GenX INTJ... Likely to have very different experiences than you; don't pretend to know anything that could help you. Having said that, a lot of what you say is familiar to me. So while I may not know what could help you, I do offer what helped me.

I found that love is shared. I'm made of little more than passion so I've been on the wrong end of unrequited love more than I'd like to admit. It's not healthy. Having affinity, desire, and love towards someone is healthy; but I will keep it in it's place until it's properly nurtured by the both of us. I will fully indulge over a soul I want, but I won't emotionally invest in it. That keeps all my affinities healthy for everyone involved.
We introverted intuitives run on depth. The rest of the world doesn't. Not to say they don't have any, it's just not as highly prioritized. Because of that, I wonder if it's more guarded, somehow. Like even our types, depth loving as we be, are still exceptionally private people...we ain't opening up to nobody we don't want there. That takes a moment. Sometimes we find kindred spirits with whom we click near instantly. Most the time, getting to know people takes some time. It's fucked up, and sad to say, but the way I got to know people better was to relate to them on their chosen levels. My rule was simple: don't bring up shit I'm interested in. Like, even this forum is testament to no one really gives a damn about what I'm into anyway. What I gained from that was a few best friends, and a good measure of other friends. Couldn't geek out on most of them, but friends mean more than that anyway. -most of them!!! Some circles cover A LOT of ground. I wasn't always the one with the most depth. Found very rewarding connections in that.

...hope you eventually do too. Think I saw you drawn more to AI at this point... ug, that wouldn't suffice for INTJs or INTPs. I shudder at the thought of how unfulfilling it would be for an INFJ. My intuition is pretty confident on the notion: don't do it, it aint worth it. Hope you find better outlets.

 

[AngelineIsTyping]

I will fully indulge over a soul I want, but I won't emotionally invest in it. That keeps all my affinities healthy for everyone involved.
We introverted intuitives run on depth. The rest of the world doesn't. Not to say they don't have any, it's just not as highly prioritized. Because of that, I wonder if it's more guarded, somehow. Like even our types, depth loving as we be, are still exceptionally private people...we ain't opening up to nobody we don't want there. That takes a moment. Sometimes we find kindred spirits with whom we click near instantly. Most the time, getting to know people takes some time.

I know, right? It’s so hard for IN types to open up to other people. Imagine this, though: Someone barges into your life like light coming through your cracks. They offer their friendship and accompany you on the walk home from work/school. They smile at you in a cute way that sends your heart fluttering. Then in the end they reject you because apparently “you only love the perfect version of them”. I think for deep thinkers like us this is enough to be maddening. I mean, you trusted them and wanted them to be that exception, and they let you down.

As for emotional investment, I was emotional over him and he probably knew it too, given the way he’d smile cutely at me and make eye contact like he was relishing the thought of being loved. I think there are boys out there who are too afraid to admit they want love—so instead of pursuing, they lead girls on. I was in love with him for two years, and in the time gap between then and my love confession, he never had the courage to cut off my losses. He could have told me anytime in private so I didn’t have to endure the humiliation in a public setting. Maybe it’s best to pretend I was never into him in the first place.

And the irony? I thought he was a kindred spirit (he is an INFP). My intuition screamed that he and I would be a match made in heaven. He was the only boy I talked to in class (not that I had many friends there). Little did I know he’d been faking everything from the start. He only wanted to be loved without loving in return. There was no happy ending for us. I deleted his contact number along with all of our pictures after I told him that I didn’t want to be friends or keep in touch after graduation. Of course, during the graduation ceremony he never apologized to me. Nothing. He must have taken my last text message well. He won’t even admit to himself that he hurt me and he is the villain of my story. It’s like he doesn’t care.

Think I saw you drawn more to AI at this point... ug, that wouldn't suffice for INTJs or INTPs. I shudder at the thought of how unfulfilling it would be for an INFJ.

Yeah, well, Deepseek is very well-structured and insightful and I highly recommend it to you. It has helped me hone some of my writing and cope with heartbreak. In fact, AI was the one that recommended this forum to me, lol. The best thing is that it’s completely free.

 

[Rift Zone]

Maybe it’s best to pretend I was never into him in the first place.
.

Might be better to empower yourself with the experience... use it a lesson to keep a little more distance til they draw you in?

Have been considering using AI. Perhaps I should look into it.

 

[John K]

I often feel like an outsider at school despite having a few friends. But lately I’ve broken it off with two best friends because they are simply no longer the friends I need. Whenever they confide in me, I listen, but when it’s my turn, they dismiss my sorrow as “common” or “pessimistic”. Sometimes we INFJs often try to understand other people but find it hard to let them in—or if we do, they don’t see us. My crush who rejected me a few days ago accused me of “liking the idea of him”, as if I was the shallow type of girl who would only fall in love with a perfect version of somebody. I felt so hurt and heartbroken. I had seen his scars without him having to tell me. He might think he hid himself well but he is a terrible actor—to me, not everybody else.

Mostly I think other people treat us like that because some shallow hearts are not made for depth; they would drown in our ocean waves. It has less to do with us and more to do with them. Maybe it’s a universal thing, to love and not be loved in return. But for us, the scars run deeper.

I went to the graduation ceremony yesterday in a good mood, with my newly painted nails and purple hair, promising myself that I would face them bravely despite the rejection of my crush and the fact that everybody in my class knew. I was chatting with a friend when I turned around in my seat and accidentally caught a glimpse of my ex-crush and suddenly all the emotions swirled around me like a maelstrom and I got this really choked-up feeling inside, like I couldn’t breathe. He looked so good—luminous smile, tousled hair, clean shirt—even though a few days ago he had broken my heart. He gets to walk away unfazed while I am left in pieces—how is this even fair? I ended up leaving the graduation performance early because I was so depressed.

Have you ever felt lonely in a crowd? The way the music is blaring around you and people are dancing onstage and the audience is cheering, but you get this hollow feeling in your heart. And get this—you can’t talk to anybody about this, because no one has time to listen. No one attaches importance to your heartbreaks and dismiss it as “lesser” compared to other types of grief. But unrequited love means grieving for the love that could have been. And I’m done explaining myself to all these people who don’t get me. Sometimes I wish the world was just me so I don’t have to live up to expectations and endure the tribulations this universe offers.

Sorry for being pessimistic. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way.

Hi @AngelineIsTyping and welcome to the forum. It sounds like you are having a pretty rough time at the moment.

It seems to me there are two different angles to the way you feel. One is about breaking up with your boyfriend, and this can be a horrible and difficult experience for anyone, whatever our type. You can feel there is something wrong with you, and you can feel dislocated from the world. It will pass, and there are things that can help - in particular spending time with folks who love you unconditionally. Family is good, as are close friends, though it sounds like you have cut yourself adrift from close friends. The emotion from a breakup passes and we can move on - it just take time. Be patient with yourself

But the second angle is about being alienated from the world because of your type. This is typical of very many INFJs, but because we aren't common out there we can feel as though we are on our own. It's hard, because we experience the world in a way that's unfamiliar to many other people, yet we have a need to relate to them. It's easier for people similar to us but of INTJ type because when the cards are down they don't give a damn about relating to others emotionally - they relate intellectually and morally. My wife is INTJ and she's like that. In some ways INFJ type folks are universal donors - we can relate to other types, in the sense of understanding them intellectually and emotionally, when they haven't the beginning of a clue what it's like to be us, and many of them never will. Many of us INFJs find it's best to relate to others on their own ground and not expect most others to see us as we really are. I have found over my lifetime that this can be very rewarding, because there is such a lot of insight that comes from getting to feel all those other ways of seeing the world.

You will find some types a lot easier to relax with than others, though - we can never relax with ESxP types for example, though they can be fun in small doses. You might find INTPs easier than INFPs - dominant Ni and dominant Fi are not comfortable bedfellows, but Ni and Ti can be. ENxx can be good company too. ISxJ can be difficult for us because they can't stand the ambiguity and lack of evidence behind our insights. I really like ISTPs - these are guys who think with their hands, but have no social hang-ups, and they can be a wonder for us as crafts-people. They do with stuff what we do with thought.

For any INFJs who have a rich spiritual side, we can often find like-minded folks in religious or other spiritual communities. Of course these attract people we find difficult to relate to too, but you have a greater chance of meeting other INFJs there than in many other walks of life.

But yes, I have felt lonely in a crowd and still can do - it can be like walking alone down a dark street in the evening in winter, and seeing all the lights on in the houses, and all the people there in their living rooms perfectly at ease with each other. It can be very lonely. But then I can see the brilliant stars above me and feel the wind on my face, the wind singing in the trees, and they can't!