INFJ negative traits...

invisible said:
I was telling my friend that I know a man who I am interested in, but I don't know how to let him know that I care for him. My friend told me that I "need to be more slutty".
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I think the word your friend was looking for was 'assertive' or 'flirty.'

Or they were just being facetious ;)
 
INFJ negative trait from an INTP perspective. I think you have this feeling that you attract people that open up to you like it's some sort of magical thing and to some degree it is. You can be very emotionally penetrating. However, you will often facilitate this by announcing in some small way that you are emotionally open to connect. Everyone, at some level, has the desire to connect, to be understood and it's easy to connect with you. Your level of connection is not always real... hence the one sided relationships. You are creating emotional intimacy without really being intimate because at some level you are convinced this is what the other person needs thus you can walk away. That is not nice... that is selfish. It's why you are often all alone emotionally . You are so emotionally fragile that you're not authentic. Not hating.... my favorite person in the whole world in an INFJ... Just my opinion.. Take it as you will.
 
INTP in exploration mode said:
Your level of connection is not always real... hence the one sided relationships. You are creating emotional intimacy without really being intimate because at some level you are convinced this is what the other person needs thus you can walk away.
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This is not how I see it. I don't think the intimacy is necessarily fake. It's more a question of not having the same boundaries as other types. Therefore when there is intimacy in friendships/ relationships it's not always easy to just choose and decide 'how much'. I don't think this behaviour is particularly 'chosen' either. Usually walking away is not to do with being an arse, but not having been 'met'.
 
melissa* said:
This is not how I see it. I don't think the intimacy is necessarily fake. It's more a question of not having the same boundaries as other types. Therefore when there is intimacy in friendships/ relationships it's not always easy to just choose and decide 'how much'. I don't think this behaviour is particularly 'chosen' either. Usually walking away is not to do with being an arse, but not having been 'met'.
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I agree. I can honestly say that intimacy is never faked. We strive for authentic connection where we can be who we really are. Anything less is disappointing. This is one of the reasons why we don't need to have a lot of friendships.
 
melissa* said:
This is not how I see it. I don't think the intimacy is necessarily fake. It's more a question of not having the same boundaries as other types. Therefore when there is intimacy in friendships/ relationships it's not always easy to just choose and decide 'how much'. I don't think this behaviour is particularly 'chosen' either. Usually walking away is not to do with being an arse, but not having been 'met'.
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I don't think it has anything to do with being an arse and I don't think "fake" and "not real" are the same thing. I agree with what you are saying about boundaries and I think that this is the central issue. What I would argue is that not informing another person that you are in a "how much" phase is not really fair to them. Someone starts sharing things with you (you = INFJ) and they start opening up their soul and INFJ's are like "hey I'm in deciding mode but I'm not telling you that". I remember a conversation that I was having with an INFJ and I said "Don't lie to me. Don't you ever lie to me" and they were like "what". What I was saying is unless we are really authentically connecting don't be getting me to open up to you. You're either in or you're not. I think sometimes INFJ's let the other person share and then decide if it meets their needs instead of being open when it is appropriate. .
 
INTP in exploration mode said:
However, you will often facilitate this by announcing in some small way that you are emotionally open to connect. You are creating emotional intimacy without really being intimate because at some level you are convinced this is what the other person needs thus you can walk away. You are so emotionally fragile that you're not authentic.
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I have to disagree with these three statements. 1.) Most INFJ would not announce intimacy. We would intuit if it was possible or not. 2.) We are either intimate or we are not. INFJ does not fake intimacy 3.) INFJ generally have a very high level of Emotional Intelligence. Being highly sensitive can be a strength and revealing any sense of our transitory fragility to people that we are not connected with, would be a rare occurrence. If we are not being authentic with you then no level of intimacy ever really existed.
 
CosmicINFJ said:
I have to disagree with these three statements. 1.) Most INFJ would not announce intimacy. We would intuit if it was possible or not. 2.) We are either intimate or we are not. INFJ does not fake intimacy 3.) INFJ generally have a very high level of Emotional Intelligence. Being highly sensitive can be a strength and revealing any sense of our transitory fragility to people that we are not connected with, would be a rare occurrence. If we are not being authentic with you then no level of intimacy ever really existed.
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And if we are revealing a fragile part of our nature to you then there is definitely a connection.
 
CosmicINFJ said:
I have to disagree with these three statements. 1.) Most INFJ would not announce intimacy. We would intuit if it was possible or not. 2.) We are either intimate or we are not. INFJ does not fake intimacy 3.) INFJ generally have a very high level of Emotional Intelligence. Being highly sensitive can be a strength and revealing any sense of our transitory fragility to people that we are not connected with, would be a rare occurrence. If we are not being authentic with you then no level of intimacy ever really existed.
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Will you explain "transitory fragility"? I'm very interested in what that means because I am very curious if it matches something that I think I have observed which is an apparently very self confident, successful person, that at times looks like they could cry. . I'm also very interested in a female INFJ perspective of this.
 
INTP in exploration mode said:
Will you explain transitory fragility? I'm very interested in what that means.
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I mean that most of the INFJ people that I have met, or talked with on line, are capable, competent and balanced people that generally have everything mostly together, or are working towards that, so when they are not these things, it's usually temporary.
 
CosmicINFJ said:
I mean that most of the INFJ people that I have met, or talked with on line, are capable, competent and balanced people that generally have everything mostly together, or are working towards that, so when they are not these things, it's usually temporary.
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I copied this quote. "INFJs can struggle with depression. This may stem from feeling chronically unheard, useless, or misunderstood, as well as from dissatisfaction with the INFJ’s careers or the INFJ’s relationships. Because Ni perceives the world so differently and profoundly, INFJs often experience a sense of loneliness and isolation, even when they are with other people. Depression may also arise from feeling that their ideals and insights are not being recognized or actualized in the world. They may see the world as deaf to, or unconcerned with, the truths they espouse. INFJs may therefore question their value in a world that seems indifferent to their insights". This is how I perceive them. How does this compare to your concept of "temporary fragility"?
 
Would plotting the long-term pain and suffering of someone you considered a friend who lied to you and used people you care for with a complete disregard for the feelings of others and a willfull, blatant, feigned ignorance of their own behavior and unacknowledgment of their misdeeds be considered a negative trait?

Plotting. Without intent. Just plotting... and maybe a little fantasizing about said pain and suffering.

What?
 
CosmicINFJ said:
I agree. I can honestly say that intimacy is never faked. We strive for authentic connection where we can be who we really are. Anything less is disappointing. This is one of the reasons why we don't need to have a lot of friendships.
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Cosmic INFJ can I remind you that you forgot to "like" me. However It's great you agree with me!
*cheeky grin as typing reply!*
 
Someone starts sharing things with you (you = INFJ) and they start opening up their soul and INFJ's are like "hey I'm in deciding mode but I'm not telling you that". I remember a conversation that I was having with an INFJ and I said "Don't lie to me. Don't you ever lie to me" and they were like "what". What I was saying is unless we are really authentically connecting don't be getting me to open up to you. You're either in or you're not. I think sometimes INFJ's let the other person share and then decide if it meets their needs instead of being open when it is appropriate. .
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In response to the above quote^
I think maybe, perhaps you have the issue here. Think of it this way, no soul is going to hold me accountable for being what you describe as 'in it' because I opened up to them, It's always a two way-on-going negotiation. Trying to control people or be prescriptive with them about how they behave is a sure way for them to close the door on you.

Maybe you behaved in this heavy handed way with someone after they opened up to you, and the other person didn't like it and their behaviour towards you changed? Which would in that case be a genuine response, and not at all 'fake'. They maybe found attempts to control them weird and felt uncomfortable.
 
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INTP in exploration mode said:
I copied this quote. "INFJs can struggle with depression. This may stem from feeling chronically unheard, useless, or misunderstood, as well as from dissatisfaction with the INFJ’s careers or the INFJ’s relationships. Because Ni perceives the world so differently and profoundly, INFJs often experience a sense of loneliness and isolation, even when they are with other people. Depression may also arise from feeling that their ideals and insights are not being recognized or actualized in the world. They may see the world as deaf to, or unconcerned with, the truths they espouse. INFJs may therefore question their value in a world that seems indifferent to their insights". This is how I perceive them. How does this compare to your concept of "temporary fragility"?
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INTP in exploration mode said:
I'm also very interested in a female INFJ perspective of this.
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INTP in exploration mode said:
INFJs can struggle with depression. This may stem from feeling chronically unheard, useless, or misunderstood, as well as from dissatisfaction with the INFJ’s careers or the INFJ’s relationships.
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INTP in exploration mode said:
INFJs may therefore question their value in a world that seems indifferent to their insights". This is how I perceive them.
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With maturity these 'lonliness' and depressive feelings dissipate.

Aloneness is a given for any INFJ female (at least this one). And yes, feeling 'alone in a crowd' is very real. I have difficulty with extroverts because they 'surf the surface'...not meaning they aren't or can't be deep, rather they are constantly on the move and that going into a deep conversation isn't comfortable to them unless it's about them. This often leaves me "feeling" a void and questioning what was the point of the conversation bc it hasn't evoked feeling.

In conversation with ST it NT the void comes from trying to rationalize thought through the looking glass of feeling. When discussing things with a thinker and I cannot readily make a connection in the web that is my rationalizing pattern, I dig deeper into my stash of info and take too much time because the ST or NT continued on and I missed their input in that time. This has often caused issues in intimate relationships/at work and much of the time because the other person has assumed me stupid or neglectful or both...when truth is, I need to reflect then respond particularly to find the "correct" phrases to the current discussion.

It has been on rare occasions that this has not been the case "feeling chronically unheard, useless, or misunderstood, as well as [from] dissatisfaction with" life in general.

Remedy is to find some activity as a distraction.
 
melissa* said:
In response to the above quote^
I think maybe, perhaps you have the issue here. Think of it this way, no soul is going to hold me accountable for being what you describe as 'in it' because I opened up to them, It's always a two way-on-going negotiation. Trying to control people or be prescriptive with them about how they behave is a sure way for them to close the door on you.

Maybe you behaved in this heavy handed way with someone after they opened up to you, and the other person didn't like it and their behaviour towards you changed? Which would in that case be a genuine response, and not at all 'fake'. They maybe found attempts to control them weird and felt uncomfortable.
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1. I find this really interesting to see the differences of opinion based on personality type and it's what I was hoping to learn from this site. In fact, this post pretty much helped me solve an INFJ riddle that was puzzling me but this is one of those INTP pattern/don't know how we got there things so I can't explain it.
2. I don't view "Fake" and "not real" or "authentic" as the same thing. I've seen a couple of responses that appear to be equating these two concepts. My view is that "Fake" is an attempt to deceive or to pretend to be something you're not. When someone is not real or authentic, to me it means they are holding something back. I am not talking about holding INFJ's accountable because they opened up. I am saying the exact opposite. I think they get people to open up so that they can decide if they want to open up to them. When I open up to people I am saying that we are starting to connect and if not, don't go here with me. I think an INFJ is saying it's cool your opening up but I really haven't connected with you yet, so continue until I decide. . As a non INFJ type that would be a negative thing to me, but who gets to decide what a negative trait is? I think the key is communication and compromise but if it's all in your head then that doesn't exactly happen.
 
INTP in exploration mode said:
I copied this quote. "INFJs can struggle with depression. This may stem from feeling chronically unheard, useless, or misunderstood, as well as from dissatisfaction with the INFJ’s careers or the INFJ’s relationships. Because Ni perceives the world so differently and profoundly, INFJs often experience a sense of loneliness and isolation, even when they are with other people. Depression may also arise from feeling that their ideals and insights are not being recognized or actualized in the world. They may see the world as deaf to, or unconcerned with, the truths they espouse. INFJs may therefore question their value in a world that seems indifferent to their insights". This is how I perceive them. How does this compare to your concept of "temporary fragility"?
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Yes INFJ can struggle with careers and bad relationships or unsatisfactory relationships. I've talked with INFJ people that have previously been in relationships with narcissists, which was horribly difficult for them. I only know one INFJ person that suffers from long term depression, but she is terminally ill. Even still, her strength of spirit and ability to enjoy life is awe inspiring. (I'm sure that there are other INFJ that suffer from depression, but I have not met them.) What I have heard from other INFJ (and experience myself) is the ability to appreciate most emotional states, even when they are feeling low.
 
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