INFJs and ISTJs

People's personalities are so much larger than type. Some ISTJs are really warm and thoughtful and open-minded (I know many) and some are not. Some INFJs are warm and thoughtful and open-minded and some are jerks. haha.
 
merrytrees said:
People's personalities are so much larger than type. Some ISTJs are really warm and thoughtful and open-minded (I know many) and some are not. Some INFJs are warm and thoughtful and open-minded and some are jerks. haha.
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I agree. There's much more to an individual than a personality type.
 
ISTJs fascinate me a little. They'd be the type of people I'd mess with.
 
gloomy-optimist said:
ISTJs fascinate me a little. They'd be the type of people I'd mess with.
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:D

It's fun to a point but then they get all serious and offended and start talking about how things are either right or wrong. If you agree with them you’re on the side of right, if you disagree you on the side of wrong and if you poke them they get sulky :(
 
I only know one ISTJ, and he fascinates too. I would say he is my friend, but we are not because he truly disslikes me: he thinks I'm completely irrational and stupid. He usually ignores me, raises one eyebrow (bitch look), rolls his eyes or lastly makes a *sigh* when I try to conversate with him...

SO as you would guess this hurts my feelings as I have always looked up to him with wide eyes wanting to be his friend.
However, in actuality he should be (is) my biggest enemy because he knows how I work and know where my buttons are, and pushes them most of the time - if we speak that is...

Hence, why I feel like a complete failiure around him and somehow I don't dare to stand up to him. I can honestly say he is one of the BIG reasons to why I am introverted when he is around.

I even picture myself screaming at him but I never do...

Still, despite the fact that I know this I seek his attention wishing for him to show some sort of AFFECTIONABILITY that will indicate a glimpt of good somewhere deep inside of him. WHEN will I stop?
 
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I have at times wondered if perhaps I exhibited the personality of an ISTJ while growing up.

Introverted - maybe (definitely shy)
Sensory - probably
Thinking - hell yeah.. probably. People probably thought I was emotionally cold
Judging - absolutely

:(
 
well....

I have to admit, I'm an INFJ married to an ISTJ and it is super challenging!!
But in the end, he's exactly what I need to help me out, and I'm exactly what he needs to soften and round out the rough edges out.

I think life would be easier being with an "N" or an "F", but I admire his strong points...

It's nice to have someone to help me out when I'm not quite sure what I'm thinking, and since he's much better at it, he helps me get to the root of the issue.

I'd say we have more pro's than con's in our relationship.
 
That's cool~ I love hearing about other people's relationships with different types~
 
Lurker said:
I find it incredibly tough to enjoy the company of ISTJs if they are stuck in the 'everything that happens to me is bad' mentality, the negative outlook saps me. Otherwise, they're fine.
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lol, inferior Ne.

Yeah, I agree that some ISTJ's can be incredibly imaginative when it comes to imagining future in such a fatalistic way. It's pretty difficult to comprehend, as a fairly strong N.

I personally don't like most SJ's in general (even though one of my best friends is an eSFJ) because they try to force me to put me into the box named "social norm." "You have to do it because it's the social norm" mode...I find it hard to appreciate. Whenever my eSFJ friend tries to advise me along those lines we get into conflict. But in general she's a good person. Hehe.
 
They're fun to mess around with! I can understand my ISTJ friends but he always looks at me as if I'm an alien from another planet whenever I become true to myself.

I don't understand why they are the Enigma of the INFJ. Most probably because I have more experience with one and a lot of Sensing types. Although there is that awkward silence when we don't have anything to really talk about, but in the end, we find something fun to do and there goes the silence.

Well in either case, I find them intriguing that they can be so logical and structured yet still have some emotions but are just awkward about it.
 
I am dating an ISTJ right now... I think we confuse each other, it's kind of funny! Being outwardly affectionate doesn't come naturally to him, if you saw us out together you couldn't tell we were a couple. Most of the time I am the one initiating hugs & kisses, which I find a bit strange. He always returns them though, and I know he feels strongly for me (after a few weeks, he wanted us to be "official," to call me his girlfriend, before I was ready for that). Romance in general just... doesn't occur to him. It can hurt my feelings. I will say though, that if I *tell* him I want him to communicate more, show more affection, etc. he really does try to, in his own (slightly awkward/nervous) way- through actions more often than words (bringing me a little gift, for example). He needs emotional things spelled out for him, but once they are, he tries his best to meet my needs. He means well, is a nice guy and has a good heart. I'm finding him both frustrating and endearing.. Anyone else have ISTJ relationship stories/advice to share?
 
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I have an elderly aunt who is likely an ISTJ. She is a truly good person, but has also alienated a lot of people in her life because of her direct, brusk, and judgmental communication. I love her and i think "get" her for the most part. I've been on the receiving end of the judgments. It usually happens when there is crises and she has an assumption that someone is to blame. I don't blame her for anything, including the judgments.
 
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my mother is an ISTJ and her high Si and Fi confuse me to no end. we clash unintentionally in all the wrong places and misunderstand each other even when we're both making a conscious effort to mean well.

her memory recall is amazing and i enjoy her stories of the past even though she can exhaust her favourites repeatedly for others whilst showing the same enthusiasm in telling them every time. as for Fi, her predictions of doom when under stress can sometimes override all reason. when this happens, her normal iron guard breaks as she succombs to worry and expresses a form of fragile sensitivity. it's definately not easy reading her and she tends to be very apt at enclosing terrible news and emotional turmoil behind a screen of quietness, busying herself with tasks at hand as distraction.
 
I'm not a fan of the ISTJs I know. I presume there are some ... um... nice ones out there. Not sure nice would be the right word though. That said, the ones I know are very clever minded and practical, they just tend to direct their energy into things I don't approve of, which is, I suppose, my own problem.
 
well....

I have to admit, I'm an INFJ married to an ISTJ and it is super challenging!!
But in the end, he's exactly what I need to help me out, and I'm exactly what he needs to soften and round out the rough edges out.

I think life would be easier being with an "N" or an "F", but I admire his strong points...

It's nice to have someone to help me out when I'm not quite sure what I'm thinking, and since he's much better at it, he helps me get to the root of the issue.

I'd say we have more pro's than con's in our relationship.
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Mexymoo, I also am an INFJ married to an ISTJ... I completely agree with you.


I am dating an ISTJ right now... I think we confuse each other, it's kind of funny! Being outwardly affectionate doesn't come naturally to him, if you saw us out together you couldn't tell we were a couple. Most of the time I am the one initiating hugs & kisses, which I find a bit strange. He always returns them though, and I know he feels strongly for me (after a few weeks, he wanted us to be "official," to call me his girlfriend, before I was ready for that). Romance in general just... doesn't occur to him. It can hurt my feelings. I will say though, that if I *tell* him I want him to communicate more, show more affection, etc. he really does try to, in his own (slightly awkward/nervous) way- through actions more often than words (bringing me a little gift, for example). He needs emotional things spelled out for him, but once they are, he tries his best to meet my needs. He means well, is a nice guy and has a good heart. I'm finding him both frustrating and endearing.. Anyone else have ISTJ relationship stories/advice to share?
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And Blueberrie, my ISTJ is very similar to this as well. Romance really doesn't occur to him, which being a hopeless romantic, myself.. can suck sometimes. But he really does try in his own way, and I know that he loves me. :D

Funny thing is that he wanted to make me his girlfriend pretty quickly too. Before, I even thought of it, and was the first to ever bring up marriage. I always thought I was never going to get married.

One thing about him though, that I haven't really seen expressed here by others about his personality type is that people generally really like him. He appears very social, but is very much an introvert, and he adapts easily around other people, but he'd rather be at home alone. He seems outgoing and when he's with his guy friends they tend to make him the leader, and he looks like a fish in water, but knowing him, he'd rather sit on the back burner. And he could care less about having friends. He has no problem just writing everyone off, even people who think he really likes them, which is a part of his personality that does actually bother me. But we do balance each other out...

So, can I have some more specifics... what is it exactly that you do/don't like about ISTJ's and I didn't know that they were our arch enemies... go figure... *smirks, and shakes head*
 
Hey everyone,

I am a male INFJ that's been dating a female ISTJ for over a year now. It's funny, I just re-took the Myers-Briggs test and use to be an ESFJ a couple years ago. I'm not sure what happened, but INFJ does seem more fitting now. Anyway, i'm glad I came across this thread since it seems like things have been an uphill battle sometimes for my girlfriend and myself since we moved in together. We do end up clashing on very little things and she can be incredibly stubborn. At the end of the day though, I still love her very much and balance out each other. An issue I have though is that since i'm so emotional and she's less than emotional, being a guy, in can leave me feeling very emasculated at times. She even flat out told me one time that sometimes she feels like the guy in the relationship :\

The question I wanted to get to is, for you INFJs that are dating ISTJs, how is your friendship with your partner like? I only have a few tight-knit friends and my girlfriend doesn't really have any close friends at all. So, we are pretty much like each others' best friends. But, because we spend so much time together and rarely time with other people and because of the differences in our personalities, it can be really emotionally draining for me at times. I don't know if this is going to work out sometimes unless I get a break every once in awhile (i.e. spending time with other people or even by myself and away from her). Is this wrong to be feeling this way? Because she moved cross-country with me, she doesn't have any family or friends around. So it's hard to consider that as well since I can't leave her alone with her getting lonely.

Any input would be nice. I know this is my first post, but I plan on coming back often. Sounds like a place I need to keep me together.
 
dneecey said:
One thing about him though, that I haven't really seen expressed here by others about his personality type is that people generally really like him. He appears very social, but is very much an introvert, and he adapts easily around other people, but he'd rather be at home alone. He seems outgoing and when he's with his guy friends they tend to make him the leader, and he looks like a fish in water, but knowing him, he'd rather sit on the back burner. And he could care less about having friends. He has no problem just writing everyone off, even people who think he really likes them, which is a part of his personality that does actually bother me. But we do balance each other out...
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Although I am not all familiar with personality typing, I have had my husband take the test twice in the last 10 years and he has both times tested an ISTJ and this would seem to fit. Dneecey, I can relate and agree to the quote above. It is his outer ease with others and wit which I was instantly drawn to. I have always enjoyed his company in social situations and find it comforting as I am sometimes socially handicapped in my conversations with people I do not know or in some instances with those whom I would not ever care to know. Getting him out and in social settings is another thing altogether, he would rather stay at home or work and his hobbies tend to steer toward those things he can do alone. His actual aloofness to his friends (even just people in general) and lack of emotional connection and sympathies toward others is not something which is seen right away and as the years have gone on infuriates me. Even though I am very much so an
 
My dad is an xSTJ who gets on my nerves a lot. He has absolutely no idealism. He's the kind of person who thinks "life isn't fair, get over it". He is loyal to our family, to a fault. He will find a way to "help" you or "remind" you of your responsibilities whether you want help or not. He talks like a shady businessman with an ulterior motive in "compromising".

Meh.
 
My mom is one...I'm not sure if I have any ISTJ friends. It's possible...

They tend to frustrate me, though. They have this do-it-now mantality, which isn't necessarily bad, but I'd much rather sit and daydream/live internally. Ya know.
 
My husband is an ISTJ and I really appreciated reading everyone's experiences with this type. We are currently separated, but living in the same house, and over time I've reached the same conclusions some of you have mentioned in your own ISTJ relationships: A stable, but not satisfying match. I was initially drawn to my husband's consistency, support and stability, as we both favor purposeful, long-term relationships. He's an all around "good guy", great leader, honors his word, would give you the shirt off his back, and is highly intelligent and focused. I tend to vacillate among choices and wrestle with ethical or principle concerns, so his no-fuss attitude soothed and centered me. Plus, I admired his commitment. He steadfastly accomplished any task before him, and it only helped that he loves romantic movies, music (a paradox to his personality) and is multilingual, sexy and a great kisser. Also, growing up in an unstable home, I couldn't count on my own family but I could count on him. He was my rock. He's also very aesthetically conscious, and unlike the stereotypical man, is very clean, organized, always smells good, is classy and a great cook! What woman wouldn't love that?

Despite the pluses, we had major problems that I couldn't go on smoothing over. Of course, he had his issues with me, such as how messy, "unrealistic", and optimistic I tend to be, but in general, he would have been content to continue with the relationship as it was. For me, his lack of affection, expression, communication, appreciation, his passive-aggressive attitude, pessimism, and materialism really bothered me. I craved active participation in creating a life together, enthusiasm, romance, transparency with our personal matters (ex. finances), and variety! He didn't value my passion for travel and experiencing new environments. Though he offered obligatory support, he much preferred I stay put and tend to him and the house (and later, the kids, him and the house). He didn't understand my need for personal and relationship growth; he wanted no more than a loyal wife, dedicated mother, and an upstanding woman who would play her part. In fact, when I asked him why he loved me, he said "Because you're a good woman." I was always baffled and saddened by this response until I understood its significance years later. In essence, as renowned type researcher and psychologist Dr. Keirsey states: ISTJ Guardians want a "helper mate" not a soul mate, like the INFJ Idealist.

Indeed, he was more interested in me being a domestic goddess and focusing on practical matters such as holding a stable job, earning a good income, raising respectful children, and honoring him as head of household. But was easily frustrated by my "Follow Your Bliss" motto of life. He didn't understand why I have to be happy in everything I do. "Work is work" he says, not "a purposeful and engaging contribution" in the world, as I believe. Because of this and many other similar "utility vs. possibility" (SJ vs. NF) situations, I suffered from loneliness and alienation. I also felt disrespected when trying to have a conversation with him about the days goings-ons, myself or our relationship. He'd just sit staring and typing away at his computer-not once acknowledging my presence-and was adept at bottling his emotions, often to the point of austerity or sometimes a blowout of rage. It was maddening. Ironically, he's great with people and very adaptable to any social situation. My judgmental family loves him and those who don't know the "flipside" of his type think he's the kindest person ever.

Forgive me for writing a book, but I hope this post helps clarify matters with other INFJ/ISTJ matches. Though type is just a component of one's overall makeup, it powerfully and accurately explains (80%+) how each views the world and functions within it; and in relationships, how we interact with each other. We are all shaped by our experiences, beliefs, culture etc. and no one relationship is indubitably well- or ill-suited based on type alone. However, in the case of the ISTJ match, I find that the lack of depth/communication, affection and growth/variety made my relationship stable and comfortable, but lacking in the meaningful, in fact incorporeal, connection I need. For him, the novelty-seeking, affirmation-needing, and purpose-craving nature of my INFJ type was exhausting, frustrating (possibly offensive?), and baffling to him. We had a thoughtful discussion today (maybe 2 in nearly 8 years hehe) and he said he still loves me, but that we just desire a different connection. I couldn't have said it better myself, and I love him for the insight.
 
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