INFJs and Passive-Aggressiveness

hush said:
And mean what you say.
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Are you having a bad day?

I'm not being passive aggressive...(Ha ha! ..I'm on the right thread tho!)
 
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hush said:
BUT, it has been a good week for saying what I mean, and meaning what I say, it's just been a struggle to get the same out of other parties.
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Maybe you should go back to them and really tell them what you mean (think) about that (behaviour).:wink:
 
hush said:
I really really told them, and they lied and blocked me and ran away. :)
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:worried:.... Not ready for the truth ha...!
 
Generally, if an INFJ asserts anything in three sentences, or more, which contain some sort of reference to intentions or abilities, it's sure to be passive aggression.
 
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I generally prefer being direct, but I can come across as passive aggressive if I'm being too cautious with words. That whole not wanting to cause discord thing gets in the way sometimes.

It really is a matter of perception though. And it depends on the other person's ability in how they interpret my words. I've been told that I can be both passive aggressive and overtly aggressive. My view of it is that I'm just trying to put my thoughts into words, and I admit that I can fail hard at that.
 
Passive aggressiveness is never a good way to deal with an issue. It is always best to be honest about what is bothering us and to have an open discussion about the issue at hand. When I was younger I used to be passive aggressive but I found it to be exhausting and not very productive.

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This reminds me of a joke.

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I see your silent treatment and raise you a f*** off!!!!:tonguewink:
 
Agreed that passive aggression is not productive. no r healthy.

but in INFJ defense or to play the advocate....INFJs need time to process what they feel as we have seen in studies INFJ knows what others are feeling but their own feelings take time. and this process of needing time; passive aggression may come about. I would argue that the passive aggression in an INFJ is directly due to this processing function. because CLEARLY INFJs can really get in someone face ...fear is not a word I word I would use to describe and INFJ

For ex:
Man is sitting home after work....doing nothing.....Wife comes in snarky like and says "are you gonna help with something"
INFJ man gets ripped from his un wind state and says "oh sorry ok " and starts to help with dinner.. AT THIS POINT he doesnt know what he feels, he is processing the nature of being scolded. Analyzing what was said to him...."are you gonna help with something"

what did that mean? NOW in a non passive type... they would have addressed this comment right than an there.....but the INFJ dude just goes about in silence thinking about why his wife made that comment....he with resentment helps about the night and business as usual. but this whole time he is processing...... it builds and builds.....what did she mean....!?!?!

he than forms a plan to beat her to the duties daily so that this type of statement does not occur again....he's adjusts to make her happy...while ignoring his own needs...and feelings

it doesnt really work as despite his adjustment she still at a later date is snarky again her behavior stays the same she is fully oblivious that he has made a serious change to his behavior...on her behalf to keep things in harmony.

this type of thing goes on for years.....and than one day....

"are you gonna help with something"

INFJ man states "you say that as if I have never helped with things." ....."well honey ....let me TELL you everything that I HAVE DONE.....for you"

and guess who has been keeping score the whole time........the INFJ......
and once this box opens

guess who is gonna be in tears.....

so now is this really the INFJs fault? hes passive for a reason....and if he was not passive the SO would be getting the full on tsunami of what the INFJ has been feeling with regard to his treatment.

and thats a lot to take ....
even T types cant take it....INFJs can take a ENDLESS amount of emotional abuse..
I dont think any other type can really do this...
I wish they could.
 
highlighter said:
Agreed that passive aggression is not productive. no r healthy.

but in INFJ defense or to play the advocate....INFJs need time to process what they feel as we have seen in studies INFJ knows what others are feeling but their own feelings take time. and this process of needing time; passive aggression may come about. I would argue that the passive aggression in an INFJ is directly due to this processing function. because CLEARLY INFJs can really get in someone face ...fear is not a word I word I would use to describe and INFJ

For ex:
Man is sitting home after work....doing nothing.....Wife comes in snarky like and says "are you gonna help with something"
INFJ man gets ripped from his un wind state and says "oh sorry ok " and starts to help with dinner.. AT THIS POINT he doesnt know what he feels, he is processing the nature of being scolded. Analyzing what was said to him...."are you gonna help with something"

what did that mean? NOW in a non passive type... they would have addressed this comment right than an there.....but the INFJ dude just goes about in silence thinking about why his wife made that comment....he with resentment helps about the night and business as usual. but this whole time he is processing...... it builds and builds.....what did she mean....!?!?!

he than forms a plan to beat her to the duties daily so that this type of statement does not occur again....he's adjusts to make her happy...while ignoring his own needs...and feelings

it doesnt really work as despite his adjustment she still at a later date is snarky again her behavior stays the same she is fully oblivious that he has made a serious change to his behavior...on her behalf to keep things in harmony.

this type of thing goes on for years.....and than one day....

"are you gonna help with something"

INFJ man states "you say that as if I have never helped with things." ....."well honey ....let me TELL you everything that I HAVE DONE.....for you"

and guess who has been keeping score the whole time........the INFJ......
and once this box opens

guess who is gonna be in tears.....

so now is this really the INFJs fault? hes passive for a reason....and if he was not passive the SO would be getting the full on tsunami of what the INFJ has been feeling with regard to his treatment.

and thats a lot to take ....
even T types cant take it....INFJs can take a ENDLESS amount of emotional abuse..
I dont think any other type can really do this...
I wish they could.
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I think I understand what you're saying. I lived and experienced something like that in my first relationship. I used to say to my girlfriend I hate it when you dramatise. But regardless how I would try to express my feelings it fell on deaf ears. We got into many heated fights and after a while I convinced myself that if this is going to work I'm going to have to accept this. So I did. Hey I'm an INFJ. I can do it.

Maybe this is where I went wrong. I am a mystery to myself sometimes as are my feelings. I feel I can take it all in and sacrifice myself for another but I understand today this is simply not true. I am sincere at the time. I believe I can handle it. Like you said it goes on for years. I wanted the relationship to work but intuitively I knew it wasn't. The tsunami begins to build but it is in the spirit of making everyone happy. I just forget myself in the process. The eruption is not fun for anyone. I should of been more honest with my emotions from the start. Not an easy thing to do when I wasn't even convinced myself. I'm not sure if this is passive aggressivity? I don't think so. It is certainly not intentional. I tried my best and I got upset in the end when things didn't work out.
 
highlighter said:
....INFJs need time to process what they feel as we have seen in studies INFJ knows what others are feeling but their own feelings take time. and this process of needing time; passive aggression may come about. I would argue that the passive aggression in an INFJ is directly due to this processing function.
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Absolutely right in my opinion. I'm not quick enough to respond and defend my boundaries...or I'm giving the other person the benefit of the doubt...or alternately, questioning my own self, rather than wondering why I'm getting this rude slack. People sense they can get away with this, when they're in contact with an INFJ and the attacks/ criticism can continue.

highlighter said:
he than forms a plan to beat her to the duties daily so that this type of statement does not occur again....he's adjusts to make her happy...while ignoring his own needs...and feelings
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Yes, I've done that with various people...just become a skivvy, predict what is required and minimise any agro or conflict...yep, INFJ's will do anything to avoid conflict...we are nice people, we give them the benefit of the doubt. Or sometimes, just to slow to process to say 'Hey, there's something we need to discuss....'

highlighter said:
this type of thing goes on for years.....and than one day....
"are you gonna help with something"
INFJ man states "you say that as if I have never helped with things." ....."well honey ....let me TELL you everything that I HAVE DONE.....for you"
Click to expand...

Yes, I remember my mum used to hit me, push me, slap me ...and all that until on day I was bigger than her...I had been pushed around so much, and for no fair reason..(is it ever 'fair' but I mean really no fair reason)...anyway it got to the point where I could not tolerate it anymore and needless to say she stopped hitting me after that...
 
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LittleLissa said:
Yes, I've done that with various people...just become a skivvy, predict what is required and minimise any agro or conflict...yep, INFJ's will do anything to avoid conflict...we are nice people, we give them the benefit of the doubt. Or sometimes, just to slow to process to say 'Hey, there's something we need to discuss....'
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SpilledMilk said:
I wonder if INFJs (or Is, or Fs) are more prone than other types to passive-aggressiveness?

For example, see the confessional thread and its related anonymous confessions (but perhaps the second may not be a representative sample, since you don't know if it's most/all INFJs making anonymous confessions). I also noticed it a lot in other posts here, and have experienced first-hand rather infantile passive aggressive behavior from INFJs.

I don't mean to be insulting or rude. I just want to know how people and types tick.

As a secondary topic, I'd like to also ask: Do INFJs see their baseline passive aggressiveness change towards more or less when in a loving, healthy relationship?
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I think being prone to passive-aggression comes more from your culture, family, upbringing and level of maturity and healthiness than from your MBTi. I grew up in the Pacific Northwest which is legendary for its passive aggression, but my top value is honesty and authenticity and I was raised to be honest and I had healthy conflict resolution modeled for me, so I'm not passive aggressive at all. I get called out for being too direct with how I feel and what I think, which is largely because my desire for authenticity, truth and harmony (very NF) in relationships outweighs my fear of confrontation (which is still very real and very much there).

I guess you could argue "Feelers" might be more sensitive, but extroverted feelers and introverted feelers are sensitive in different ways and toward different things. But, passive aggressiveness is an action/reaction that isn't necessarily connected to being sensitive, but more toward being unwilling or unable to extrovert what you think and feel...and everyone thinks and feels.

Also, INFJ's dominant function is introverted intuiting, not extroverted feeling, so following the argument that Feelers are more sensitive/reactive, I would expect MBTi's with a dominant Fe, Fi or Ti to theoretically be more prone to passive aggression:

- Fe because they're worried about hurting other's feelings or going against accepted standards of civility if they are too forthright
- Fi because they introvert their feeling and therefore have a harder time extroverting it, so how they really feel stays below the surface and goes inward
- Ti for the same reasons as Fi and because not saying what you think can be just as passive aggressive as not saying how you feel, depending on the circumstances
 
I
SpilledMilk said:
I wonder if INFJs (or Is, or Fs) are more prone than other types to passive-aggressiveness?

For example, see the confessional thread and its related anonymous confessions (but perhaps the second may not be a representative sample, since you don't know if it's most/all INFJs making anonymous confessions). I also noticed it a lot in other posts here, and have experienced first-hand rather infantile passive aggressive behavior from INFJs.

I don't mean to be insulting or rude. I just want to know how people and types tick.

As a secondary topic, I'd like to also ask: Do INFJs see their baseline passive aggressiveness change towards more or less when in a loving, healthy relationship?
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I'm very passive aggressive when it comes to people who I have to see every day. Or people who have lived with me or worked with/ for me. If a stranger upsets me I'll gauge the situation but if the person in question is someone I see often I don't want to confront them unless it's absolutely necessary. Unfortunately if you constantly leave unwashed dishes, or take up all the space, or make a mess in the fridge I'm going to have to clean and lack of reciprocity bugs me a lot. That's when I go passive aggressive to the max. Unless it's big enough to deserve a huge argument.
 
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