INFJs & long distance relationships

Neva

Neva

Regular Poster
MBTI
INFJ
Well, I haven't been here in a loooooooong while, but thought to post this thread about what's written in the Title...INFJs and Long Distance relationships.

I think I need help with it and wanted to know what other INFJs think about it.

Here it is :)

Well, I've met a person who I love very much and care for him like I've never cared for someone before as I was always loved by people, but never really loved anyone until I met this person. His dad passed away 6 days before we met and I met him by coincidence with a friend who actually wanted to introduce us to each other and I found that out later and we both didn't know that. He insisted to take my number before I left them to go home...called me the next day and that's how it started. I was being myself as usual and not knowing that his dad passed away that recently, I used to joke and get him out of being sad, but when I added him later on facebook, I found out that his dad passed away just days before we met and I backed off and kind of stopped joking and talking to him for a bit...he noticed and asked what's wrong and why am I not being myself as to joke or get him out of the mood, I told him I thought I was rude to joke around like that and talk normally when it's probably really hard on you since your dad just passed away. He told me nope, not at all, it's the total opposite, I'm really happy and I'm hardly seeing anyone or talking to any of my friends except you lately because I don't think of what happened as much when I'm with you and you seem like a great girl to be with...I made it clear and our mutual friend told him that I'm not that type of girl who likes to go out a lot and she's serious girl...so, if you like her, be true to her and think of marrying her, not just going out with her. I told him that at the beginning of our relationship to let him know and to tell him I'm not in it for you to break my heart and hurt me or play with me and him alone said that, he said I would never play with you and I'm serious.

He met with my father and actually proposed to want me for the rest of our lives...dad asked about him to find out who he is before they met and he found out he's from a good family, decent guy and is serious when he met with him...dad told him and I as I was present when they met, I'm happy with this relationship and I approve of you as a husband for my daughter, but since you both decided to live abroad from where we live now...you have to stabilize yourself in the country where you choose to live your life together. We both have lived in this country before, so it's not a big deal for both of us. He just had to find a job and he did and I'm grateful for that, so he's stabilizing himself based on what dad wants before we get married.

What's bothering me now is...not only his dad passed away in the past year, but a month later after his dad's passing away, his grandfather from his mother's side who raised him also passed away then his grandmother from his father's side passed away this year on the same day his dad's passing away anniversary. Then very recently, last July, his uncle from his dad's side passed away in a car accident...he wasn't in good terms with his uncle and I knew that from him when he was living here before he moved abroad. So, in conclusion, recently when we talk, I find so depressed and he keeps telling me, he hardly talks to anyone, even his grandmother who raised him here, which shows to me that I'm his special lady since even though he's been through a lot, he still talks to me and I'm special enough that he wants to talk to me even though he's hardly talking to anyone especially his grandmother who he's really close to...he lives with his mother now abroad in the same city and I don't think he talks to her much as he's not talking to anyone.

I'm having a hard time in this relationship because we recently talked about us and he told me he wants me and that I should back off and made sure that I don't misunderstand him because I'm sensitive and I might understand that he doesn't want to talk to me too, but he told me, I don't mean it that way and I don't want you to not talk to me at all...just give me space and not have me rush in this relationship as I'm emotionally unstable because of what's happening in my life and all these deaths especially recently, my uncle died and we weren't in good terms, so it makes me feel down. I love you and I want you in my life, but I'm emotionally not ready right now to feel what you feel and you're a smart and sophisticated girl and this this a sophisticated relationship, not a normal relationship, so we need to be patient and think of the long-run, think that I'm stabilizing everything for us, think positively in simple ways, don't think that I don't care since we're hardly talking or think that I'm happy we're far apart, it's not that at all...I'm just turned off from life and again he made sure I wasn't sensitive and misunderstood...and said "I'm not turned off from you, I'm turned off from life so you don't misunderstand me and think I don't want you in my life"

One of the good things that made me really happy recently, is the day he started work, I was waiting to send him an sms guessing that he will finish at 6pm his time, I thought I would wait and send it at that time...I got a message from him at 5:03 pm saying he just finished work and I'm guessing he finished at 5pm and I was the first person on his mind right after work to tell me how his first day at work went for him. I was really happy and it's things like this that assure me that he wants me. The last time we talked, he told me I'm not playing with you and don't think since I'm saying I'm emotionally unstable for marriage at this right moment means that I don't want you, it's the total opposite, I just wish I could be happy again or at least normal as before because I'm feeling down and at times, I don't feel like talking to anyone. I have to get through it and it's just a matter of time.


So, after this long talk, I wanted to know...is this normal for an INFJ to worry a lot like this and keep thinking like I'm thinking, always wondering since he's far away from me, am I in his thoughts like he is? God sends me signs that he's a good person and he is thinking of me and it surprises me that on the days I'm feeling like today or when I'm down because of it, I find him talking to me or I dream of him comforting me by hugging me or us being happy or just sitting next to him and he's tapping on my back like as a sign that "Everything will be ok".

Thanks for reading and I would love to hear your comments on this from an INFJs perspective :)
 
First of all, I commend you for exhibiting so much patience. Not many people would understand the situation as well as you have, and I hope it works out for you two.
But, you do have a right to worry. Being far away does make the relationship much more challenging. You have to have a level of comfort and trust.
If you don't have either of those, then it simply cannot work. He sounds like a nice guy, a guy with a lot of emotional baggage right now. It was very wise for him to step back and tell you what he needed. It is so rare for anyone to do that!
I wish you the best of luck!

-Anna
 
Thanks Anna :) Yes, I do feel comfortable and I do trust him, when I'm feeling down like this and I sometimes cry on the phone, he calms me down and tells me I'm here don't worry everything is going to be ok, it's just a matter of time, it's us that have to have patience, etc etc stuff like that comforts me a lot, having him tell me the truth and I do respect that he told me not to worry or back off a bit for now, so I wouldn't force anythiing on him or feelings he does feel, but too down to express them right now. Trust is everything and I do trust him and trust he will do what's best for us, it's just a matter of time :)

Thanks again for your words :)
 
Past behavior patterns predict future behavior patterns. If he never gave you reason to doubt your relationship before, you shouldn't doubt about it now. Give him patience and space, things will fall into place naturally. I know what it feels like to lose a parent. I was in the middle of wedding plans when my mother died unexpectedly. I still went through with my wedding three months later, but I can't tell you how difficult it was to grieve and be newly married. Do I wish I did anything differently? No. My feelings weren't any different for my husband, but my feelings in general were all over the place ... mostly numb. You kinda feel like an emotional zombie, with periodic crying. So at a time when we should have been blissful newlyweds, we were dealing with a lot of stress.
 
Yes, that's what he's been telling me lately, he told me I'm emotionally unstable and I honestly get hurt of that sometimes, but I understand it's very hard on him as he lost 4 members of his family...he even tried to joke with me when I found out about his uncle, he told me, did you see what's happening to my family, we're going to be extinct, I don't know what's with this family...I told him to be patient and that I'm here whenever he needs me. I called him everyday to ask about him and he appreciated that a lot as I found out when I was out with my dad and dad called him...he was telling him, neva calls me everyday and I'm grateful for that as I'm feeling down and it's a matter of time for me to get through it.

I know it's hard, but I wish I could do anything to make him feel better and get him through it and it's even harder when we're far apart. When he was here, I would call him, text him too, but we also went out, did nothing really, sometimes, just cruise around, sit by the nile where it's quiet and he would feel really comfortable and I would feel that he's not thinking of anything and kind of clearing his mind. I think it's harder on him since he's away now and he told me that too.

I'm praying for him as he's always on my mind and in my thoughts :)

Thanks Sriracha :)
 
Long distance relationships are a terrible idea.
 
emmm. It doesnt work. Unleast you are open about sharing your partner with other people xD
 
Sharing your partner with other people???
 
Don't listen to them. Lol. Do you guys have a goal to be with each other at some point?
 
Yes :) and he says that everything will be ok, it's just a matter of time...what makes me afraid is when he says things like I'm emotionally unstable right now for this relationship or for marriage, so I freak out and he calms me down with saying I want to feel better from what's happening to me, but it's only going to take time...I'm doing everything your dad asked for and I'm not playing with you, I want you in my life. I just worry too much.

I love your photo lol I remember that movie :)
 
I think Sriracha was going through the same thing and reading her post made me realize how much hard it is for him and as she said, her feelings didn't change towards her husban, but it must have taken a lot of time after they got married for her to get through her mother's loss. I wish I could do anything to make him feel better, but I guess it's just a matter of time and prayer for him to feel better :)
 
A lot....we met here and we had a normal relationship, meaning that we met almost everyday at the beginning and then later on about twice a week...we used to run errands together, go to the movies, etc..

Why the question-how many times we've met in person? You thought this is an internet thing? lol

Well, at the beginning of the post I wrote that I met him with a mutual friend of ours who knew me and him. He was the one who introduced us to each other on the day he was meeting him to see him after his father's passing away and that's how we knew each other. I lived in the area they were meeting and that mutual friend told me to pass by as I haven't seen him in a long while and as I went to meet him, he introduced me to him...normally too, not as in relationship wise...then later on that day right before I went home, he took my number and called me the next day...that's how it started :)
 
Long distance relationships work if they don't stay as such, just being pessimistic means it won't work in most circumstance. Mainly as only miseries talk about 'realism' which hinders almost everything they try or want.
 
That's true and that's why I'm looking forward to the positive side of the relationship, which is that we're trying our best to make it work and as he asked, I won't force any emotions on him now since he's going through a hard time from the deaths that happened in his family.

Hope always finds a way :)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top