INFP: Attraction killer?

Assholery and arrogance. I also don't like it when they are rude to other people, or animals. If someone is an asshole to everyone else, they will eventually be an asshole to you!
 
Wish said:
Assholery and arrogance. I also don't like it when they are rude to other people, or animals. If someone is an asshole to everyone else, they will eventually be an asshole to you!
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+1. Unfortunately, arrogance and egotistical persons can be attractive but it gets old eventually. Their sense of self importance eventually becomes annoying and irritating because you know they will have difficulty compromising later on. And partners who think they don't have to be considerate or respectful to anyone if they are not attracted to, friends of, or are not related to them are unattractive. Someone who is less self centered, and genuinely more open, relatable, and accessible is far better partner in a long term relationship. Yeah, anyone who spends most of their time puffing up or asserting their intelligence or superiority over everyone especially their partner or spends most of their time building up their ego, however attractive, will not make a good long term partner. Too many have the arrogance, but not the competence to back it up.
 
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Carrie said:
Too many have the arrogance, but not the competence to back it up.
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Usually it's the other way round: people who have achieved a lot are really very humble.

Like recently, I was at a party and there was one person there who I knew graduated at Oxford and MIT. And then there were these noisy bastards around him who constantly put in their two cents. Now that guy hardly said a thing and it became particularly odd when the group started talking about University of Oxford. And the guy still didn't say a thing. That was such a wonderful scene.
 
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Not sure if I'm INFJ or INFP these days from what I've been told, but I'll throw my two cents in!
All of the above plus...
Someone who doesn't come across as intelligent or at the very least, well spoken
Some who thinks they're cooler than me or are too cold
Someone who is not creative (not necessarily artistically, but in their thinking)
Weak-mindedness
Poor manners
 
Refusal to care for his children. Financial irresponsibility. Laziness. Meanness to others. Lacking courage of his convictions. Trying to manipulate and shape me into his ideal woman. Enmeshment with a former partner. Letting his ex control his life. Being an inflexible control freak. Being last-minute and noncommital, refusing to make plans. Drug use. Violence. Using women for their money. Those are dealbreakers.
 
Over expression of negativity towards others, or in general, is a huge turn off to me. I know we all have our bad days, and I'm pretty forgiving in that regard, but if the first thing out of someones mouth is consistently some kind of snide remark or mocking comment, I am going to begin being repulsed very quickly.

On the same note, judgmental comments and rudeness.
 
I went out with an INFP recently and I felt like we got along along and talked for another two hours after dinner. Two days after the date I got a message saying, "I don't really feel like there was much of a connection." So, of course, I've been analyzing it and trying to figure out where it went wrong (regardless of whether anything would have become of us anyway).

Before we met, I had gone around asking people things like the subject of this thread. I asked essentially: What are the dos and don'ts, How do I get them to like me, and What things should I avoid in conversation." He knows the personality types and cognitive function stuff has been my current obsession so in an attempt to break ice I offered, "So I'm told INFPs can see the good in anyone. Is that true of you?"

And... I think that was probably what did it. He playfully said, "Oh you've been researching me?" And I said, "Of course!" He smiled a little and said something like, "Sometimes it's probably true too much of the time." I saw the micro-expressions that told me I had hit a nerve despite his presentation of acceptance and collaboration in the conversation. The way I saw it, being transparent about this was the way to go, especially as he knew I had been obsessed with the topic. I've talked to a few INFP and ENFP friends as even weeks later I'm still thinking of it and using as example. What they tell me is that INFP are very sensitive to feeling manipulated and that this is probably what happened.

For the INFPs here: Does that I'm now thinking about how to not make someone feel manipulated also seem manipulative? How might you feel in this situation? :)
 
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sentientsixpence said:
For the INFPs here: Does that I'm now thinking about how to not make someone feel manipulated also seem manipulative? How might you feel in this situation? :)
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Personally, I wouldn't feel manipulated, if done with good intentions. I would feel manipulated if someone pretended to be considerate and friendly and then their true purpose came to light, like what they really wanted was for me to give them twenty bucks, or something like that. I cannot stand that. But someone trying to not manipulate me would come across to me as an honest attempt to build a relationship, because lets face it, anyone can be manipulative, it is a part of human nature, and even those with good intentions may resort to subtle manipulation without even really realizing it. I'm quite ashamed of myself when I find out that I am being manipulative to get what I'm looking for. But if trying to not be manipulative with the end goal of being able to be manipulative once the person is accepting of you and has their guard down, is manipulation. I would kind of find it sweet if someone was making an honest attempt to not manipulate me because they knew that manipulation was repulsive to me because it shows that they care and are working on their own personal growth in the process. Just remember, intentions are everything.
 
body odor
poor dental hygiene
poorly educated
rude or overly 'tough' persona
 
sentientsixpence said:
I went out with an INFP recently and I felt like we got along along and talked for another two hours after dinner. Two days after the date I got a message saying, "I don't really feel like there was much of a connection." So, of course, I've been analyzing it and trying to figure out where it went wrong (regardless of whether anything would have become of us anyway).

Before we met, I had gone around asking people things like the subject of this thread. I asked essentially: What are the dos and don'ts, How do I get them to like me, and What things should I avoid in conversation." He knows the personality types and cognitive function stuff has been my current obsession so in an attempt to break ice I offered, "So I'm told INFPs can see the good in anyone. Is that true of you?"

And... I think that was probably what did it. He playfully said, "Oh you've been researching me?" And I said, "Of course!" He smiled a little and said something like, "Sometimes it's probably true too much of the time." I saw the micro-expressions that told me I had hit a nerve despite his presentation of acceptance and collaboration in the conversation. The way I saw it, being transparent about this was the way to go, especially as he knew I had been obsessed with the topic. I've talked to a few INFP and ENFP friends as even weeks later I'm still thinking of it and using as example. What they tell me is that INFP are very sensitive to feeling manipulated and that this is probably what happened.

For the INFPs here: Does that I'm now thinking about how to not make someone feel manipulated also seem manipulative? How might you feel in this situation? :)
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I think it's less about manipulation than prejudgment. Maybe he was concerned that you already felt you had him figured before you got to know each other personally and gradually. Sometimes, without intending to, someone can be overwhelming without realizing it by being very direct. My sense is that INFPs are very cautious and careful when they like someone, and are not quick to open. They like to take it slow. When they trust you, then it can be full speed ahead, but if their partner rushes or pushes for things before they are ready, they tend to withdraw. They also don't like being put on the spot. And they're not always fans of full on attention. They like balance. They'd probably prefer to learn more about you before they open up and share.
 
I think INFPs like it when people are seemingly magically able to deduce their feels or relate to them, rather than forcibly figuring them out and especially having group stereotypes applied to them before getting to know them as an individual. They like it when their inner selves are recognized and respected, at their own pace.

They also don't like it when you are like "Ok cool story" when they share things about themselves. Information that most people perceive as totally insignificant is actually personally significant to them and hard for them to share. If you don't understand that it is meaningful to them and aren't willing to share random feels crap from your own life then they will be mad.
 
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niffer said:
I think INFPs like it when people are seemingly magically able to deduce their feels or relate to them, rather than forcibly figuring them out and especially having group stereotypes applied to them before getting to know them as an individual.
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Thanks, niff. This is a duh moment for me and I don't know why it didn't occur to me. I know he very much saw himself as an individual and by talking about INFPs without getting to know him first, he must have felt like I was assigning group identity to him that would be dismissive of his personal identity.

Added don't list: Don't say anything on a first date about that applies a group label.

(Because, as a group, they don't like being put in a group. That is a little bit funny, isn't it?)
 
Well...we like the group thing as long as it refers to us as individuals with shared qualities. We won't like people labeling us all as definitely same in all aspects, because that tends to bring people's attention towards the weaknesses of INFPs and they start to believe that we all have the same negative stuff about us. For example...if a boy is rude..and I classify all boys as being exactly the same...and fit all of them into the "rude" stereotype...it will be a great error on my part... The enigmatic tendencies of INFPs...and their weaknesses grant them the name "Weirdos".. Such classification tends to drive people away from a stereotyped image of "Weirdos". Well, we are strange. I am strange. In fact, I view every human as strange because we're all so different and yet so similar. Believing that INFPs are stranger than most people is well justified by their actions. And, well....we feel great being like this...unique, strange, enigmatic and all...
Plus....I myself like to be individualistic...even among INFPs...so..the classification shouldn't threaten our individuality :)
 
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Muhammad

How would you feel specifically if someone you had met for the first time at a restaurant in conversation asked, "So I heard INFPs can see the good in anyone. Is this true for you?"
 
well...I'd be happy and proud for being recognised as the person I truly am, but I won't allow anyone to take undue advantage of this quality.
 
Basically...I'm INFP...but I've hardened a lot and am not "shy" as INFPs are perceived to be...I can flip around quite easily..I can be really serious one moment and become social and funny the other one..I'm quite confident...I share many qualities with INFJs...I'm both artisitic and cerebral...as you can see in my enneagram score...my artistic and thinking qualities are literally fused together...
 
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