@QuirkyLemonFlower,
I’m going to try to address this without getting personal about my own INTJ spouse, or my INTJ friends.
I think it takes a strong person with good self-esteem to be in a relationship with an INTJ. A lot of people find them difficult. I adore how knowledgeable they are, how they strive for excellence, how consistent they are about morals and ethics, how driven they are, their sense of duty, their logic, and how soft and gooey their emotions are if you get to know one well enough for them to trust you with their vulnerability. Their bluntness and snark can be funny and charming, if you have the spine for it. They can be deeply caring and generous people if you get into their inner circle. Most are not “mean” or “cold” like the stereotype, either, even if they are indifferent. (Plus, tertiary Fi can manifest creatively with interest in art and music.)
INTJs often have under-developed Tertiary Fi because they value fact, logic, and THINKING over emotion. Under-developed Fi in the INTJ can manifest as hyper-sensitivity, taking things personally, quick over-reactions, etc. INTJs also have strong morals (connected to Fi) and become impatient with incompetence and ignorance. In my experience under-developed Fi, when combined with insecurities and childhood abuse issues and/or being raised by incompetent parents, can result in volatile emotional spikes such as rage. Under-developed tertiary Fi manifests as a "know-it-all" scenario combined with an inability to navigate their own emotions.
INTJs are not likely to go to a therapist, or trust a therapist's advice, unless they have respect for that person. The challenge is finding the respectable, knowledgeable therapist the INTJ will trust. Since INTJs value intellect and expertise, this isn't going to be easy, but it is possible. They also like to sweep their emotions under the rug, so persuading them to visit several therapists, whom they will view as incompetent, until they find the right fit may seem like a waste of time to them.
The other day on the forum Deleted member 16771 spoke about how INTJs have three categories for people: Love, indifference, hate.
What may be a devastating loss or trauma to one person may not read that way to others. Feelers attach feelings and extend empathy to a large pool of people. INTJs don’t. Even in situations where the loss and level of grief may seem obvious to some, particularly Feelers, there is no guarantee an INTJ will process it that way. For example: If an INTJ has an estranged parent, was abused as a child, etc., they won’t place their parents in the “love” category. The parent(s) may even fall into the “hate” category. If this is the case, the INTJ may not understand the grief others feel about losing a parent.
Fi user empathy thrives on channeling their own experiences and emotions into empathy toward the other person, so if they haven’t had a relatable experience this can result in lack of empathy.(Some Fi users have empathy superpowers, like INFPs, for example.) They are still highly empathetic people, but with fewer triggers. The problem is, INTJs take trauma and loss extremely hard. It can be dark. It can be like a black hole causing depression, anger, and despair. It can be self-destructive, suicidal, venomous, or violent. That isn’t something you want, and the closer you are to INTJs, the worse it will be.
Don’t expect your emotions or your perspective to compute. That doesn’t mean you don’t matter to them, but that they simply won’t read, absorb, or possibly even try to understand, what you are going through or how you feel unless you explain it using terms an INTJ will appreciate and respect. Explain why the loss or trauma deeply affects you, but in language the INTJ will respect. Don’t sob and babble about being sad. INTJs are Thinkers, they appreciate logic and understanding.
INTJs do not do well if they know you're willing to end the relationship over one of their flaws. They are extremely loyal people who let few into their circles. Knowing you could betray them, or that you aren't as loyal or as serious about the relationship as they are, will not go over well. You're either in, or you're out. If you threaten to be out, they may just push you out. I do not recommend ultimatums.
Do not say you are leaving until you are done, and nothing can change your mind. If you suggest this, it will haunt your marriage and it will become a point of insecurity and mistrust. Not good.
Be loyal and trustworthy. Comfort and nurture their Fi without coddling them. Be supportive and nurturing when they are emotional, and offer a different point of view, or a translation of confused feelings, when relevant. It’s kind of weird that INTJs get so hurt when people close to them dismiss their emotions even though they do that to others almost by default. Under-developed Fi can be very “It’s all about me!” INTJs with well-developed Fi can be very good at processing their own emotions and caring about other people. It’s a win-win situation because they are Thinkers who are also able to connect emotionally and have empathy.
Set boundaries. It can get scary to stand up to an enraged INTJ, but you need to let him know he may not treat you in certain ways, or say certain things to you. You need to let him know that being married does not create an "anything goes" situation for behaviors. How you do this depends on your own personality and relationship. I don’t recommend being belligerent, raising your voice, too, etc. Be calm, but strong. I keep a calm head, calm voice, and speak factually. I tell him saying certain things is not OK, and if he starts to dig into me, I tell him to stop. I am respectful and calm. Certain words and phrases are always off limits. Breaking things, hitting, throwing, etc., is off limits. Threats are off limits. …For everything you take away, you need to add an avenue for the emotion to travel constructively. Emotion is allowed, feelings are allowed, abuse (including verbal) is not. It’s up to you both to decide how this is done.
If my INTJ spouse is raging about something that has nothing to do with me, I remove myself from the situation. TBH, I still absorb the emotion and it is hard for me. Sometimes just letting them have at it, when it isn’t targeted toward a person, is all you can do. I hang out in my personal space and wear headphones when my spouse is like this, or I go for a walk.
TBH, it is so draining and stressful to try to deal with under-developed Fi in a partner. It can be a nightmare. It’s a slow process to get them to work on it, too. You have to prove the endeavor is worthwhile from a logical point of view. There has to be reward. You have to really show that it pays off.
If you love each other and fit in every other way, it is worth getting through. Every human, every type, has shortcomings. Getting through the tough parts builds deeper love, friendship, and understanding and makes us all better people. If it is so bad you can’t get through it, and it is better to abandon love than endure, I will understand, though, and I won't judge you.
