INTJ with Disconnected INFJ Wife

How close together are your kids. I second the sentiment that this might be PPD.

Also, what do you do to help with the house/kids. The fact that your wife went back to work is a huge indication that being a SAHM may not be for her. Put the kids in public school next fall.

Have you applied for GA? You may qualify for child care assistance and better insurance/services.

Does your wife have an online community? If not you can PAN me and I can recommend one.


Honestly I think you need to step up. You tried to take over for everything your wife does and couldn't. You even said you don't know what all you were supposed to do! That's concerning.
 
No more INTJ's for me. That being said I wish you both all the best.
 
Jet said:
What about ENTJs :m155:
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Oh yeah, if I were single I'd totally tangle with you.
You'd definitely have a challenge on your hands. :smilingimp:
#xanax
Still any other type has to be more reasonable and fun than an INTJ. .
 
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“You never hear me, so why bother talking?”

When she talks to you: listen, ask questions. You and she may communicate things differently and it's entirely okay. I think if you are not understanding her, ask her to elaborate or explain. If she says you are not understanding her, ask her why she feels that way. I'm married to an ISTJ and there are many times we will explain the same thing an entirely different way ... and when there is misunderstanding it leads to frustration. I've learned to be more blunt. If she's frustrated she has to explain herself, that is her problem. Marriage takes work and your spouse didn't come with a book of instructions.

“I don’t trust you with my feelings.”

My take on this is that you have shut her down in some way. Maybe you joked about something in which she is sensitive to your friends and she found out? Maybe you confided in a friend who warned her you were talking about her? She had to have felt threatened opening up to you about something in order to rescind like this. Perhaps she's begun to open up to a friend about her "feelings" and this friend is filling her head with b.s. (Remember misery loves company.) Just food for thought, I'm not assuming.

“I gave you a gift and you gave it back to me.”

I don't have a clue what she means by this. The gift of giving you her duties? It's obvious she was overwhelmed. Perhaps sitting down and going over how you know you can help and not help. I think she covets time alone to recharge her batteries. Figure out a way to make this happen. Did you BOTH agree on homeschooling? Or maybe this was your idea and she's just following along? Perhaps she would like to rethink your agreements for the kids? You have 4 of them? She is probably struggling with "motherhood, what I have to do" and "self, who am I again?"

“My walls are up now, and I don’t know how to take them down.” “I don’t know how to get our connection back.”

She can certainly learn, but she needs to be frank with you as to why they are up in the first place. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. Tell her to be blunt with you. Tell her to not sugar coat her words ... just say them and be prepared to hear them (you're an INTJ, I'm sure it won't bother you.) There are times as an ISFJ when I would hold back talking, b/c I was trying to figure out the best way to explain something without hurting Mr.S's feelings. I finally realized the best thing to do was be proactive and warn him that I have to be blunt b/c I don't know how else to explain my issue. It's made communicating much easier. She needs to feel safe opening up to you, without fear of ridicule or backlash.

Don't throw in the towel, and fight for your marriage. You won't progress until she stops pussyfooting around the root issue. You'll always have moments, but working through them will either weaken your relationship or make it stronger.
 
Hi Bubs, I'm sorry you're going through a hard time with your INFJ lady.

I'm an INFJ myself and am at the early stages of a relationship with an INTJ. We have already gone through an immense amount of ups and downs since the beginning. He used to become reclusive and broke up with me 3-4 times within this first half year. Saying things he didn't mean, pushing me away and being so harsh to me come to find out he was only afraid of getitng close if I wouldn't take the bond as strongly as he does.

Well anyway, above I'm just trying to give you an idea that I have a bit of experience with the INTJ-INFJ relationship.

In this thread above you posted, you stated that:
Bubs said:
pretty much content to stay in the background most of the time anyway
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And I don't blame you. As an INFJ, I thought it would be logical to understand such a reclusive nature of the INTJ. However, a relationship is between two people. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure you're aware... And I'm sure she deeply values that rule.. but, us INFJs do have a tendency to dream a little father than we intend and get a little disappointed when we see our visions play out practically, and right in front of us.
If like you said, you had been content to stay in the background majority of the time because of her "take charge" nature, I can understand that; however, perhaps for a long time, she was reluctant to be honest /herself/ that it had been bothering her.
Personally, I am more of the "take charge" type myself but I also encourage freedom and one's ability to do something them self.

If I feel my INTJ has been in the background a little too much, then I would /take charge/, sit down with him and let him know that things are beginning to feel off balance.

Your INFJ shouldn't have been reacting to you so emotionally that way without even clarifying her own emotions and thoughts to you as if expecting YOU to figure it out.... that is just cruel.
But, I think the best thing you can do is sit down with her when there is little to no tension, look her in her face and eyes and say something along the lines of this: "I think that we have been failing to communicate for quite a few years. I can tell that you are deeply hurt. But, (and this is very important), /I am hurt too/. I figured all this time that you were comfortable with the way things had been, so I didn't want to change or rearrange your routine and patterns, I was content as long as you were. I had no idea that you had much more going through your head. But if you were never to tell me years ago and even closer to the beginning that you wanted us both to be the bosses, how could I know? I want to know. I want to be apart of you just like we initially intended. Can we work together as a team from now on?"

You being an INTJ using Te and Fi tertiary, you generally have good control over your emotions and understand yourself well. INFJ with Fe and Ti will not, because she notices you have your mind in so many places that your emotions don't show as easily as she would like, and it throws her Fe balance all off.

But keep in mind, you're not the only one at fault, she isn't perfect, neither are you. But again, a relationship takes TWO.

I hope this helps.
 
Wow, this is a very difficult situation you are dealing with, Bubs! You sound like you are ready to do almost anything to make ammends.
The only one who can know what she means when she uses her vague statements is her. Its okay if you dont understand all the time! You do come across as someone with great empathy for others, so dont think your falling short there.
She most likely over exerted herself for the first 12 years of your marriage. She sensed that something was out of balance in her life and decided to suddenly go all the way to the opposite extreme. She did a gender role swap with you. Being that you are a very giving person, you selflessly went along with what she wanted. After a bit of time with the new set up, she again sensed imbalance, for obviouse reasons. Her couragous plan of regaining balance in life failed once again. She started to feel anger and resentment towards herself and towards you. She realized that you couldnt save her from making these errors! She wants to trust you, but she has a trust dillema now. Because you couldnt save her in the past, therefore theres no gaurentee you can save her in the future. She is taking on the all or nothing approach. Im sure that there are many things she can still put her trust in you for.
I really believe that if she gets sufficiant therapeutic support she will come through eventually. It might take a couple of years but patience is the key here. Lasting positive change does not happen over night, and if it does happen over night I would second guess that.
Her happiness is vital for your entire families well being and tell her this. Tell her that its going to cost some money and that your ready to pay any price to see her happy again! Your in this together.
It has taken a great toll on you as well! Dont forget to stay true to your own needs too, because the last thing you want to see is 2 unhappy parents. You will surely come out of this stronger and more self aware. You sound ready to move forward and sooner or later youll see big changes!
 
I have one child and it can be overwhelming at times and that is with my SO helping out!

I went away for 3 days for work this year and when I got back, my SO was like, "Ohthankgod! How do you do all that every day!?" (I feel like I don't get done half of everything I need to most of the time). Life can feel like a timed obstacle course. I can only imagine how overwhelmed she might be with 4... And being in control of and handling everything as you stated. Even if you are a super organized take charge person, it's difficult. That is a lot! I agree with @Jet that it sounds like you need to take more responsibility with domestic things. It's great that you tried, but really sit down and talk to her about what things you can do to help. Ask her in what ways she wants you to lead. Find certain things you can do to ease the burden. I bet it will make all the difference.

My SO bathes and puts our son to bed in the evenings, for example. Just these two things are a huge help to me.
 
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Thank you, ALL, for these wonderfully helpful and well-thought out responses. This gives me a lot of hope, and a LOT of different things to work on and try. I appreciate everyone taking the time out to share your insights into this situation. I also appreciate everyone who helped "translate" my wife's words for me. As a high T type, emotionally-based language is difficult to understand. I have a clearer vision of what she's feeling now.

So, again, THANK YOU ALL!!!!

I know it will get better. I just don't want anything to get worse before it does. :)
 
I gave you a gift and you gave it back...

I cant tell you how many times in my life I have felt this way and thought this way.
what this comment means is that she feels you dont understand everything she has given you in her life. she feels used, taken for granted and like she is doing the heavy lifting. (on the plus side....she is use this....all INFJs feel this way with people they love)

When she came to you and gave u all this job back, my money is on the fact that she WANTED you to have had this role the ENTIRE time, she took it on herself for whatever reason, but she did it most likely with the "unspoken" idea that you WOULD take this role at some point. I know that In raising my daughter I did this with my wife. I did the "mom" job BUT i did it with full intent that I would NOT be doing this forever. When you didnt take the role that she believed you would it ...made her question why she ever did it in the first place. it prob made her think that SHE did it for you and succeed and that you in return failed her.
I am also willing to bet that she feels like she has gotten LOST in this life with you. And by lost i mean that she has lost herself in this process of meeting your needs. DO NOT tell her that you never asked for that! DO NOT tell her that you didn't even know this was going on....DONT say I have always been this way...INFJs believe in not CHANGING as a person but as growing as a person becoming more. INFJs have a SUPER hard time understanding that basically everyone is either contient in themselves with no desire to grow OR truly unable to change....u see the INFJ can be anything to anyone they dont get it that others cant do the same thing. but I digress
she will take that as a insult!
I believe that there is nothing worse than for an INFJ to know that every sacrifice they made was not only worthless but NEVER even acknowledged.
When she expresses her emotions....dont ask for PROOF this is what is causing her to put up walls emotions cant be proven and dont need to be proven this is a common mistake INTJs make with INFjs.

I will say this....as long as she is ANGRY!! this is a GOOD thing! it may not seem that way but her anger is her connection to you! your on lifesupport....yes but its NOT OVER.

if she goes cold....it she is not emotional the min she GOES rational....its over. like truly over. INFJ being rational in a realtionsip means that there is no love, it means that she believes that you have beaten her into submission and you have made her give up. the fine string has been cut. it means she no longer cares about your happiness, it means its over.

so if the anger is still there YOU ARE OK....but you have to get her back. tell her something like this.

"You gave me everything and I couldnt see it, but now its your turn NOW i will give you everything, its your turn now, I will fight for you and I will not stop, I will prove myself too you, I love you more than I love myself, and I will show you."


good luck
 
A few thoughts from an INFJ lady with very limited idea of who you are, so please take with a grain of salt and apologies if it sounds off or harsh/critical. I am trying to explain her perspective.

1. If you flub around her like you're flubbing around here, that is very disconnecting.

2. She sounds like she's looking for support, and also, she feels alone in the parenting department. So, do only what you can do really well, and help her feel relief from the stress from doing it by herself.

I get like this when I feel overwhelmed and really, just need someone to step up and take something off my plate. Or, bring me coffee every morning.

3. I'll reiterate the need for professional help. Not getting it is another way you're letting her hold the bag on taking care of the emotional needs of the family.

4. You, not us, ought to know how best to show love to your wife. If you know that what she needs is to hear it, the question really, is why are you having trouble providing it?

5. I have no idea what she means by saying you're just giving back what she gifted you, but it could be that she keeps trying to reach you, and failing. It's like sending letters to someone who keeps sending it back with "return to sender" written across the front.

6. The correct answer isn't that you're disconnected from your wife. The correct answer is to connect with your wife. Why are you answering the way you're answering?

7. Her reactions are over-large it seems, so I agree that you asserting yourself until she gets tired of you, can help her feel like you're there. She might not feel connected to you from it, but it'll help her know that she's not alone.

Anyway, that's my take. It also sounds like she's blaming you for the disconnect, so that's not going to help you connect to her.
 
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