INTJs Expressing Feelings/Emotions

[Nixie]

A thought occurred to me as I was reading my daughter a bed-time story a few minutes ago. Do you find that as a female others have expectations of how you should communicate that differ from how others expect males to do the same thing? Double standards are replete in nearly all cultures, I suppose. I think that males are given a lot more leeway in this area, but I am guessing that since you are an INTJ female, you already know this firsthand.

Forgot to answer this part. For me, I always felt like I was forced to become more social and to filter my natural tendencies to not cloak stuff in layers of bullshit. Natives in general aren't really overly communicative and outgoing in formal social situations--especially when involved in Ceremony. However, more casual settings can become quite lively. There isn't anything considered "abnormal' about being quiet but not participating is frowned upon. However there was/is tremendous pressure to be "social"--to go to events, to interact, to be with others quite a bit. Also, I was constantly criticized for being "too blunt"--there is a great deal of emphasis on "harmony" and acting "right" (proper) in more "formal" social situations which doesn't involve stating your opinion.

 

[Macka]

I think this is a great summary. I can express my feelings logically, as stated by @DrShephard . If you want tears or big emotional expressions--not really. I will likely withdraw if I am feeling so out of sorts rather than speak with someone. I don't ever get pressured to be something I am not--either that or I just don't pay attention to it. I do get slightly hurt when I get "you're mean" and such thrown at me by people I care about because that is not my intention.

I get more upset about people wanting me to respond to their emotions "in the moment". I am used to taking time to try and figure out what is going on inside me first--so I try and give people the same courtesy and just back away for a little while. I dislike having to "hash it out" when if some time had been taken then it all wouldn't have been necessary anyway--you know where the person figures out they are in a bad mood anyway and you were the person they unloaded on.

Yes, good post. I can also express myself logically in a somewhat deteached way. For example, I can tell you that I'm very upset about something, although it's unlikely I'll look that upset. A few people have commented to me before, 'Wow, you don't seem that upset about it".

Like you, I will retreat to try and figure things out by myself without anyone around. Sometimes I'm not too sure what I'm feeling, so I need time to work it out. Now I think about it, I would never let anyone see me cry or act in any way emotional. Even at a funeral, I will not shed a tear. Even if I'm receiving an award I'm very proud of, I will do it with minimum fuss and not really smile.

However, in saying that there have been times -- when I'm at my lowest, or something happens that really gets to me -- that my body language will be very down, and people have commented that I don't look happy. But I certainly don't want to talk about it. In those times, I will do my best to be alone. I've learnt over time to deal with this professionally at work, although I find it very difficult.

I hate any confrontation, like you said. I don't deal well with things like that, because I don't understand emotionally that they're not angry with me; they're angry with someone or something else. If someone unloads on me, I know logically they're not angry at me (probably), but I have a difficult time understanding that emotionally. I will take that very hard, especially if it's someone I care about.

 

[Nixie]

Thanks [MENTION=1288]Macka[/MENTION] (whoa, enuf of the Feeler stuff)

To clarify though, I used the unloading part as an example only. I dislike having to hash thru someone else's emotional baggage when they could easily take some time and figure out what is wrong first and then we could talk is what I meant.

Yea, I pretty much think that the preference to want to analyze is what makes us Thinkers. I just don't get the whole "you must know how I feel" I don't buy it. I think it is much too personal to just blather on about your feelings to everyone--I would rather relish them in private and figure it all out first.

 

[Macka]

A personal reflection on the topic. I thought you were an INFJ when I saw the initial post, so pardon the "Talking to a different type" tone of all this:
----------

As an example, someone might ask me how I feel about my sister who, after getting off of a narcotics addiction, met a guy online who lived in a different state, met him twice, and then married him 2 months after their initial chat. She just had her first child with him. The conversation might go something like this:

Them: You must be so excited! Your sister's really changed her life around, and I bet she's really going to change now that she's a mother!

Me: I don't think so. I love her to death, and I'll always be there for her, but I don't think this will turn out well. (Decoded: I don't like it.)

Them: What do you mean?

Me: She married a guy who was just like the guys that she dated in highschool and college. He's a halfway between a player and an asshole who can put on a decent facade at being a decent person, but that's just a mask. I imagine she'll raise her daughter to be like her, and that the daughter will be an emotionally immature girl who dates douchebags and doesn't learn self-reliance or to feel responsible for herself. (Decoded: I feel bad for my sister, and I don't like her husband. I feel bad for the daughter, and I'm trying to accept what I see the future being. It makes me a little sad and a little disappointed about the whole thing, but not surprised.)

Them: You don't have faith in your family?

Me: *goes logical* Past behavior predicts future behavior, and they've both been immature in the past. Children learn how to behave from their parents, so in all likelihood the child will learn to- *gets cut off*

Them: You can't say that!! You need to be more hopeful. Don't be such a pessimist.

Me: *slightly irritated at being asked how I felt and then being criticized for it* That's what I think about it. (Decoded: That's how I feel about it.)
Them: How many healthy relationships have you had? I bet you're just upset because she's married and you're not. I bet you talk about her poorly like you're talking about her now all the time. You need to be nicer to your family.

----------

I had something similar with my sister. She told me she was engaged to a guy she'd been dating for 3 months. (Her boss, no less). When asked if I was excited about the wedding, I told a few people that I was more concerned for my sister, While people could understand this, they seemed perplexed that I wasn't that excited about the wedding.

Like you, I told a few people that her relationships mimicked our mother's, and that this was not a good thing. People reacted a bit strangely when I said this.

Anyway, turns out the wedding was lovely (is that emotion I just used?), and I got on very well with her now husband.

 

[Macka]

Thanks @Macka (whoa, enuf of the Feeler stuff)

To clarify though, I used the unloading part as an example only. I dislike having to hash thru someone else's emotional baggage when they could easily take some time and figure out what is wrong first and then we could talk is what I meant.

Yea, I pretty much think that the preference to want to analyze is what makes us Thinkers. I just don't get the whole "you must know how I feel" I don't buy it. I think it is much too personal to just blather on about your feelings to everyone--I would rather relish them in private and figure it all out first.

Maybe I'm an INFJ in disguise... **bursts into tears**

Others' emotional baggage is not good... Do you find you're good at helping people see their problems? I'm told by a few friends I'm 'very wise', but I think it's just that I don't get emotinally involved in their problems, and I can sit and analyse them in a detached way quite easily.

Think. Do. Think. Then think some more.

 

[Nixie]

I do very well helping people with all kind of things. LOL...not to sound conceited.

For me it is more: Observe, analyze, draw conclusions, observe, analyze, create hypothesis, analyze, do--restart process

I usually have an intuitive feel for the problem before they say anything anyway. That is the observe part.

Edit: And just to clarify. I am more than happy to resolve issues when they involve something I have done or are part of a relationship. I am talking about when someone wants to just talk about emotional stuff. I can usually only tolerate so much--especially if there isn't any "solving" going on.

 

[not sure]

This now falls into the realm of subjects
I give up on.

 

[Nixie]

Come on [MENTION=3710]kiu[/MENTION] I don't believe you....

 

[Ryo]

I do very well helping people with all kind of things. LOL...not to sound conceited.

For me it is more: Observe, analyze, draw conclusions, observe, analyze, create hypothesis, analyze, do--restart process

I usually have an intuitive feel for the problem before they say anything anyway. That is the observe part.

Edit: And just to clarify. I am more than happy to resolve issues when they involve something I have done or are part of a relationship. I am talking about when someone wants to just talk about emotional stuff. I can usually only tolerate so much--especially if there isn't any "solving" going on.

Yes. I'm not sure whether this is just because my T/F line is a little blurry...but while I do filter emotion through logic and analyze constantly (the above looks familiar) I have a pretty good grasp of what others are feeling. I also have a lot of feelings, though I do not show them to most people. Lately, I've been in an interesting situation because I spent a lot of time with a VERY strong TP and then with a few VERY strong FJ's. I found that the way I behave changes dramatically with the company. Around the TP, I feel more expressive and more self-aware both. Around the FJ's, I feel distant and logical.

 

[justeccentricnotinsane]

@DrShephard - what's interesting is that I would think all the same things as you but, depending on the person, would probably not say. In that particular instance I would have predicted much the same future but a lot of people assume that change in the real world = change in the mind, which is not true.

Anyway. As for the OP. It's good to read this, it's sort of something I knew but keep trying to change. As an INFJ I emote a lot when in private with one person but try not to emote in public (if I can help it). However, you remind me of my T boyfriend. From my perspective, being around him can be a constant worry. Like some others have said here, he doesn't seem to be able to grasp what he is feeling most of the time, saying he feels blank or neutral or nothingness. However, there are changes in him that I see and I know he is sad/angry/stressed/worried. When we first met, I saw the emotion and said "what's wrong"? But I have since learned that this is not the way to deal with it. He will say "nothing" either because he is unaware that he is upset (yet - sometimes he comes to me with retrospective realisations like - "you know, I think I must have been quite upset...") or because he doesn't like talking about things. I also get in wrong in that I try to read his face when I'm talking because I want to make sure he's not bored. Seeing as he generally stares into middle distance whether interested or not, it's harder to tell than I thought it would be and sometimes assume he's bored when he isn't. Sometimes I get sick of him being unhappy seeing as I was unhappy and tried to change it, but I am more proactive in that way. It's not that I find it annoying or anything, it's that it upsets me. I want him to feel good ALL THE TIME (although obviously that's ridiculous!) I feel very, very uncomfortable when he doesn't feel good and I find it impossible to think of anything else until I can see him relaxing or whatever. When I just want to do something about it I usually just jump right in with "so you know how you get upset because you think you can't make friends" - to which I get a "oh great just hit me where it hurts!" answer - then I explain how, rationally, it's not true and what, rationally, he should do to prove that and how, rationally, he could feel better. He usually looks into middle distance when I talk about this and I thought this meant he didn't want to talk about it at first but then I get told off for always assuming that and was told it helps!

Basically - my long story over - what I'm trying to say is that people need to get to know you and react how you need them to. I wouldn't go around trying to be more emotional or do something that feels unnatural to you. Your own way of doing things is good enough. If you can fake it to make someone else feel better then I guess I'd probably do that, but it might not be something you're up for!

 

[InvisibleJim]

But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

INTJs don't emote, but when we do we EMOTE. Often it is UNPLEASANT however, at it's opposite it is DIVINE. Either way it is always PURE.

 

[not sure]

But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

INTJs don't emote, but when we do we EMOTE. Often it is UNPLEASANT however, at it's opposite it is DIVINE. Either way it is always PURE.

True words.

Don't gag.

 

[Nixie]

But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

INTJs don't emote, but when we do we EMOTE. Often it is UNPLEASANT however, at it's opposite it is DIVINE. Either way it is always PURE.

Wow. They are true words. Brutal, but true. So very true.




PS: I did gag because it was you who said them...kidding.

 

[InvisibleJim]

PS: I did gag because it was you who said them...kidding.

I make all the ladies gag.