Is this the end?

[Kgal]

The replies posted before me have equally valid points. I sense the members sense you are a good hearted person - or they wouldn't be urging you to stay in your children's lives somehow. Think on that for a moment...

If I were you I imagine I would be struggling to speak without crying when in front of the screen having your visit with your girls. How can a huge Love and huge Pain reside in the same heart at the same time? To me that's what it would feel like each time I saw them. I'm not surprised you're searching for reasons to walk away.

Yes there is the potential for issues to develop for them due to your being Transsexual. It has and continues to be a source of pain and heartache for you. I'm sorry. I wish the world would just accept people for who they are - but this is Fear world - for the most part - and people are afraid of someone else who is "different". You have double the usual amount of difficulty because you're an INFJ AND Transsexual. Heavy burden to bear....

My intuition is telling me you are using the fact you are Transsexual as some sort of barrier - a wall - a defense mechanism - a way of distancing yourself....

I'm not quite sure WHO you are defending yourself from - but I'm zeroing in on your ex-wife because she is the source of some very big hurts for you. By you pushing her to answer your question regarding what she will tell the girls - is a way of throwing it up in her face and protecting you. It's the elephant in the living room concept. By everyone focusing on the elephant - no one has to focus on the real underlying problems in the room.

You see - the real issue is NOT that you are transsexual at all.

You are still a person. You are still a loving parent to two beautiful children. You still have a loving heart big enough for them to snuggle up inside you.
Right?

I sense perhaps you are struggling with which role to play. You once were a male/father/husband/lover role model. Now you are not and it's confusing to figure out what/who to be with your children. The fact they are autistic compounds the uncertainty within you as well because depending upon the severity of their disorder - they may not be very responsive to you - especially in front of the big screen. We used those while I was an intern and it was uncomfortable for many - especially for people with reality issues. It surely created a barrier for effective communication. [shaking head no].....That situation really sucks....

Here's the thing:

I urge you to reconsider walking away from them for good. I agree with taking a break from them for a short while. Use the time to grieve the loss of your old life with them.
Really focus on your best human qualities. Your sensitivity. Your nurturing abilities. Your love for them.
Let the Christmas deal go for now. Your ex is on a vendetta and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it except not react to it.
Be a rock about this. After a couple of weeks request to see them again. I like the idea of you dressing and acting gender neutral. If you pause and try to see yourself through their eyes you wouldn't see a person who has made a drastic change - you'd see a Dad who loves them "the best way he can right now". They need to know you love and care about them. Those visits in front of the screen are the only way they will know - right? As ridiculous as it is - it's still a way for you to convey you love them.

That's all you have to do - is tell them you love them again and again and again. They may not give you the response you need or want right now. It's as weird and confusing for them as it is you. Yet keep it central in your mind that you are showing them love the best way you can for now. Yes you'll have to deal with your ex and that pain. If you don't react to her - eventually the dynamics between you two will get more on an even keel.
Over time - when the children are older - they'll remember you as a constant source of loving them. They may eventually want to be with you.

I've seen it happen numerous times. For example - My stepson is living with us now after almost 20 years after the divorce. They didn't get to see each other very much - and so my ex called them often. He told us story after story about how his Mom kept him from seeing his Dad - blamed it on his Dad - that made me cry. I am soooo glad I urged my ex-husband to keep in touch with them often - even though they seemed to not care or respond in the way he needed.

Please think on the fact that ultimately you are a human being. You have dignity. You have my respect. You have a lot to offer your children.
Think on it...

 

[slant]

Alright, so here is what information I have to contribute to the situation with the knowledge that I have from my own personal experiences.

My parents divorced when I was seven. They fought all of the time over the phone and my sister and I were constantly hearing smack about the other parent. Despite this, my parents both made an effort to make sure that we could see either parent whenever we wanted to. Because of how my mother demonized my father (she was hurt by him cheating on her and being emotionally abusive for many many many years after the divorce. I don't think she was truly okay with it until I was about fourteen years old), I didn't feel like I could really say wanted to go see my father without backlash from her. She sent us off every weekend to see him because she couldn't 'stand' us for very long and so, I had issues with my dad too but the main point of this is just to give you some background.

I know most couples who divorce are not like my parents. And you know, I speak from experience that it really made a difference that my parents, while they did talk smack about each other inappropriately, they were able to put that aside for the sake of our welfare. It's important that a child has access to their parents if their parents are not abusive and are active parts in their life. The fact that you were their primary caretaker at one point means they have an attachment to you- you're their parent. It's as simple as that.

Now, from my experience in the realm of divorce work, I was a sort of paralegal-in-training for a divorce attorney at one point in time, THIS is exactly the kind of thing you go to court for. If the divorce is not finalized you need to go seek an attorney and make a custody claim. You've already stated that the woman is not the best caretaker for your children. You've already stated that she continues to interfere with you communicating and seeing your children as actively as you want to. It seems that, being you already have visitation days and some sort of schedule set regarding parental rights that you've already made some sort of settlement. You may have enough evidence to overrule that decision and prove that your ex-wife afterall was not the best caretaker for your children.

Divorces are horrible bloody messes. They are. I should know. It's probably one of the worst jobs to work for a divorce attorney because you have to answer to all of the psycho opposing counsel who call up and the clients who's ex-partner stalks them or kidnaps the kids or, whatever it is. People go crazy during a divorce, usually sane people just go nuts. If I were you, I'd fight for your kids and get them back. I don't care how much money it costs or how long it takes. If you're being cut out of your life you fight for them. Although you're transexual, I'm thinking you haven't transitioned yet and are not legally considered a women yet? If that's the case, men are severely discriminated against in court cases for custody of children, always. Always they are. So that's going to be a battle for you.

I can't say that being transsexual in the throes of a custody battle isn't going to be something that could be pinned against you. It is, even though that's not fair. But you sound like a fighter and you can do this.

Now, assuming you can't battle for custody for some reason or another and the limits right now are set in stone for the rest of time...

What do you MEAN you're walking out of your kids' life?

What the FUCK?

I hate to get vulgar about it, but even my dad (and I know you're a woman, I'm not using the masculine role model in my life to try to parallel because of gender. My father was the one who didn't have custody of my sister and I and he was also the less 'predominant' and 'involved' parental figure in our life), despite not paying child support and sometimes being somewhat self-centered, DID NOT leave us. If my dad had been given the scraps of a custody battle, he wouldn't give up. He'd take full advantage of whatever time he could spend with his kids.

And, a lot of parents get damn creative when they get sucked out of their kids life because of custody battles. I've seen parents mail their kids CD's on a weekly basis when their kid lives halfway across the country full of music or whatever with little notes attached asking their kids how they are.I know your kids have special abilities and I know that's part of the reason these online visitations aren't as effective as you want them to be, but you've got to make the effort to overcome your ex-wife and the circumstances. If there's nothing you can do about your ex wife's behavior via a custody claim, then you really just need to get with the picture, ground yourself and say: what can I do to be closer to my children and what can I do to feel less anger towards my ex-wife.

Because really?

The anger towards your ex-wife is detrimental and in my point of view it's one of the things that is causing you to be less effective than your full potential. It's unbelievable how much time people in divorces actually spend without realizing it, regretting the past, mulling over what their ex is doing, complaining, thinking how much their situation sucks. These are all natural feelings, but it is not natural to hang onto them. The divorce is fresh it sounds like, so you need to realize that you're going to be feeling this way for possibly years.

My mother divorced my father when I was 7 years old. She didn't fully 'get over' it until I was 14. Know how long that is? 7 more years. It took her seven more years to recover from a marriage that had been seven years long, and a divorce that had been about two.

So just hold on to the seat of your pants. You're going to get through with it. Keep posting here for support and whatnot but try and reflect and think what you can do to

A) Get closer to your kids

and

B) Purge the feelings of animosity towards your ex wife

I say purge because truly those bitter feelings are like a demon from hell. You've got to get over them or you're going to poison yourself. My mother was in extensive therapy for years and years and years to try to help her get over her feelings. And in her case, it wasn't all about the divorce or her ex-husband. A lot of the inner demons had come from unresolved issues of trauma during childhood that were coming to light. You gotta work on yourself before you can help your kids, but leaving them just ain't how it's done.

>> side tangent here >> (you should NEVER talk badly about the other parent, or about money, or about anything like that to your children. It's probably fine when they're an adult and independent from you, but it's not about being 'mature' enough to handle the bad things you're saying about the other parent, even if it's true. What the issue is that when you talk badly about the other parent it forces the child to choose sides and psychologically there is this complex that develops that makes you feel like if you love one parent you can't love the other one because your parent said x and y and z and if you disagree with them then suddenly YOU'RE the bad guy, 'Why don't you move in with your mom/dad if you love him/her so much?' type thing)

 

[lilgreengal]

Hi there, I've been lurking and wondering to post or not for a while - your thread was hard personally in many ways.

I can only speak for children, as I've volunteered with abused/ abandoned/ delinquent children and teens.

- children will not be able to fully understand why you're walking away - they do not see your imperfections, they only know the absence or presence of love and a parent.

- the greatest damage i've seen were not from parents in conflict, with themselves, with each other, but in contact with their children - the greatest pain and the one which no volunteer could heal, was the dead silence that comes from someone you instinctively believed would be there for you and would love you, walked.

It changes the way they relate to others, it changes their sense of security to the very core, and shakes their sense of self.

as the others above have said, take a break for yourself, but try keep a consistent flow of love going their way too? Love needs expression. They won't understand that you love them, if you never show and never tell them. Autistic children are more instinctively attuned to a person's reactions to them and what gives them comfort. Perhaps see this as a personal challenge too, to grow larger than you?

no matter how badly our own hearts have been broken, please try not to break a child's heart?..