[INFJ] Is your spouse/significant other the most important relationship in your life?
- Thread starter FGordon
- Start date
Barnabas
Time Lord
- MBTI
- wiblywobly
- Enneagram
- timeywimey
lawruhn
Regular Poster
- MBTI
- INFJ
In my one seriously relationship (which since has ended), he was definitely the most important thing to me, followed by my family. But I always put him first, and his thoughts and feelings first. Unfortunately, it wasn't always reciprocated in a way that I needed. I hope to find more of a balance in the future for any relationship I get in, but I do always have a tendency to care too much. x_x
Quiet
i know nothing
- MBTI
- infj
- Enneagram
- 1w9
You are not being obtuse, I haven't articulated myself clearly. I apologise that the following is long winded, i dont know how to explain this concisely.
Importance and emotional significance are distinct to me, although i do use these words interchangeably and incorrectly sometimes. All people are of equal intrinsic value, and i would consider each individual to be equally important to me.
I do not think that my child is more important than any other child. Or that her needs are any more important than anothers. But some people are more emotionally significant, or significant in general to me. My child is more emotionally significant to me than other children.
While all people may be of equal importance, they are of different personal significance to me. I have favourites. People that i feel are special to me. People that i like. I find it easy and natural to love everyone but harder to like people. Ive had spiritual experiences where i have been able to 'like' everyone. But generally, on a day to day level, its less common and even rare.
I dont have the ideal to have 'one' dedicated relationship that is closer than all others. I also dont have the ideal to maintain one close intimate relationship for the rest of my life. I dont feel the need to be in an intimate sexual relationship. I have been on my own for 5 years, extremely content and happy. The 8 years prior, i was more or less always in a relationship. I feel perfectly capable on my own and I am well pleased and grateful with the beautiful relationships i currently have with my friends, family and community.
The reason that i value my relationships is because i enjoy sharing life. I want and choose people to be in my life and and i want to be in their life. I want to share experiences, communication, joy, laughter and tears with them. I want to have mutual support and help them achieve their goals. I want to know them and have them know me. I dont need them, they dont need me, but we choose be be with each other for the joy it brings us. The closeness that develops is a result of sharing time and energy with the person. Then we have context, we understand each other etc. And if other people come into my life that i also like, then there is also space for them. The relationships i have are extremely close, intimate and intense. There is not much i wouldnt do for the people in my life. But i am not exclusively committed to them over others.
I take my responsibilities very seriously. I very rarely make committments or take oaths, i dislike doing this. I feel that the only reason i should do anything is because i have chosen to, because i want to, and i feel that it is the right thing for me and the people/entities involved. I dont like doing things soley because of a sense of committment or obligation that i made in the past. The people in my lfe are free. I am free. We are free to choose each other. My relationships are free to grow and evolve as i and the people involved grow and evolve.
I have weak personal boundaries. I am literally like a sponge. I have difficulty separating my feelings and needs from others sometimes. Their needs can become all important and consuming. In the past, i would find myself dedicated to another's needs and then realise that i wasnt having my own needs met. And then i would feel drained and resentful. When i was younger, this caused me a lot of pain until i realised what was happening. Ive had to work hard to create stronger personal boundaries. A crucial part of this process has been to become more aware and develop a close relationship with myself. It is really important for me to have time by myself, just to be, enjoy my own company, recharge. I enjoy my own compnay as much as i enjoy the company of my close friends. And over time this relationship with myself has become the most significant one for me, and essential to the health of all my other relationships.
My second most significant relationship will always be my child/children. It is because of me that my daughter is in this world. For the 1st 7 years of her life her core personality is being shaped. I feel it is my duty and responsibility to provide the best environment and support possible to her. That is my priority, and that takes precedence over other relationships. I take enormous immeasurable pleasure in watching her learn, experience and grow. Learning who she is as a person, watching her develop, and enjoying life with her. Children have the most brilliant perspective and make me learn myself and the world anew.
If i have a partner, he/she will be second to my child/ren. Im sure there will be times when his/her needs are prioritised over my child's, but generally speaking, i am dedicated to my children and i will not put them on the backburner for others. I have no doubt that i will meet the right person for me who will share my completely unconventional, weird and unique ideals and values.
I admire your willingness to look into yourself and work out whats best for you. And your restraint in establishing a relationship until you are ready to do this in the most meaningful and ideal manner for yourself. This shows consideration for yourself and others. I sincerely hope that you achieve this. You are definately on the right track- you are aware of what your ideals are. Most people dont even know their own mind and their desires before they jump into a relationship.
Sometimes though, the only way we can know ourselves further is through experience and making mistakes. This can be painful for everyone involved but ultimately it does bring you closer to what you want. Sometimes we have to take a chance, even if the results arent guaranteed. But there is absolutely no need to jump into a relationship untill you feel ready and choose to. I really wish more people chose to think about what they want before the jump head first into intimate relationships
Last edited:
this is only temporary
Community Member
- MBTI
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 1
Charlene, that was an amazing post!
All right. I guess it's time to explain my motivations for starting this thread. Part of it was to see what kind of answers INFJs would give. I'm interested in NFs, with ENFPs and INFJs in particular. I wanted to see if there is a trend in them willing to put their partners first.
But as I read the responses, I felt that there was something I needed to impart. Please note that this is merely me trying to demonstrate something and give an opinion about it, not to condemn or question the opinions, beliefs, or parenting of any forum member here (I barely know anyone and even I did I wouldn't know their circumstances).
The situation where one parent loves their children more than their spouse? Yeah, that's the exact kind of household I grew up in. For various reasons, my mother loves my sister more than my father and me more than both of them. This has reached the point where I am her primary motivation in life and reason for living, not her husband (she has admitted as much to me). The household situation wasn't abusive or anything like that so the only reason my parents aren't close is because they cannot or will not put in the effort necessary to stay connected. They argue over trivial matters, nothing ever gets solved, they blame each other and call each other names after-the-fact, and whenever they do decide to do anything for each other, it's merely to placate the other party and not for genuine growth or the experience of it or out of love or anything like that. It's just to get off of each other's backs. Despite this, they're still together for what I can only suspect has to do with me and my sister. Said sister presents this as evidence that this situation is normal. She has resigned herself to the fact that parents loving their children more is just a part of life and treats her boyfriend rather poorly as a result of this. I reject all of these notions.
Putting all of that aside though, I present a bigger question: Do you know what kind of responsibility you're placing on a child by making them so central to your life?
Children aren't equipped to bear the burden of an adult's emotions. Only another adult is. Children barely understand their own emotions; how can they be held responsible for another's? My mother's happiness was never intended to be my responsibility, but it is now because she has not given the proper attention to the one she should love above all others.
Everything I have read about "spouse vs. child" they talk about how it's bad for the child in the sense that you are raising them to be a spoiled brat. That certainly hasn't happened for me. Something far darker has.
I have become the crux of all of my family's relationship problems. My mother and father aren't as close as they should be because she gives all of her energy to me. My sister resents my mother and me because my mother loves me more. And as the source of my mother's happiness, I have to be aware of and accountable for making her life better. I couldn't do that then because I was just a child. I didn't have the emotional strength to bear my mother's burdens. I still don't. I'm in college now. I have my own life and interests to pursue. I can't hang around and make her happy. Worst of all, I am the only one of us four who sees the problem for what it is, yet is not only powerless to stop the problem but also the source of the problem!
All this has lead to a massive guilt complex and a fear that I will be neglected in a romantic relationship. It's crippling. And here is the paradox: by holding me to a greater emotional significance than her husband, my mother has gotten in the way of my growth and given me inhibitions. By putting me first in the short-term, she has put me last in the long-term. I would have gladly traded all of that unnecessary and unwanted extra attention away in order to make my mother and father love each other more.
Now, I am not sharing this in an attempt to elicit pity or sympathy. (I despise being pitied and have little use for sympathy.) What I am trying to say is this: if you are married and have children, and you are neglecting your spouse's emotional needs to tend to your child's wants, you are not only doing him/her a disservice, you are doing your children a greater disservice than you can ever imagine. Because of what I have experienced, I become frustrated when I hear people say that they are putting their children before their spouse for their children's benefit. Consciously or not, it's hiding from problems in a relationship and using your kids as a scapegoat.
If nothing else, please take away from this the fact that children are extremely sensitive to their parent's issues and want them to be happy together more than anything. Your actions may not affect only your partner.
...Again, sorry about the rant or if I offended anyone. I just wanted to put this out there. I think finding the right balance is one of the most important things you can do for your children and yourself.
But as I read the responses, I felt that there was something I needed to impart. Please note that this is merely me trying to demonstrate something and give an opinion about it, not to condemn or question the opinions, beliefs, or parenting of any forum member here (I barely know anyone and even I did I wouldn't know their circumstances).
The situation where one parent loves their children more than their spouse? Yeah, that's the exact kind of household I grew up in. For various reasons, my mother loves my sister more than my father and me more than both of them. This has reached the point where I am her primary motivation in life and reason for living, not her husband (she has admitted as much to me). The household situation wasn't abusive or anything like that so the only reason my parents aren't close is because they cannot or will not put in the effort necessary to stay connected. They argue over trivial matters, nothing ever gets solved, they blame each other and call each other names after-the-fact, and whenever they do decide to do anything for each other, it's merely to placate the other party and not for genuine growth or the experience of it or out of love or anything like that. It's just to get off of each other's backs. Despite this, they're still together for what I can only suspect has to do with me and my sister. Said sister presents this as evidence that this situation is normal. She has resigned herself to the fact that parents loving their children more is just a part of life and treats her boyfriend rather poorly as a result of this. I reject all of these notions.
Putting all of that aside though, I present a bigger question: Do you know what kind of responsibility you're placing on a child by making them so central to your life?
Children aren't equipped to bear the burden of an adult's emotions. Only another adult is. Children barely understand their own emotions; how can they be held responsible for another's? My mother's happiness was never intended to be my responsibility, but it is now because she has not given the proper attention to the one she should love above all others.
Everything I have read about "spouse vs. child" they talk about how it's bad for the child in the sense that you are raising them to be a spoiled brat. That certainly hasn't happened for me. Something far darker has.
I have become the crux of all of my family's relationship problems. My mother and father aren't as close as they should be because she gives all of her energy to me. My sister resents my mother and me because my mother loves me more. And as the source of my mother's happiness, I have to be aware of and accountable for making her life better. I couldn't do that then because I was just a child. I didn't have the emotional strength to bear my mother's burdens. I still don't. I'm in college now. I have my own life and interests to pursue. I can't hang around and make her happy. Worst of all, I am the only one of us four who sees the problem for what it is, yet is not only powerless to stop the problem but also the source of the problem!
All this has lead to a massive guilt complex and a fear that I will be neglected in a romantic relationship. It's crippling. And here is the paradox: by holding me to a greater emotional significance than her husband, my mother has gotten in the way of my growth and given me inhibitions. By putting me first in the short-term, she has put me last in the long-term. I would have gladly traded all of that unnecessary and unwanted extra attention away in order to make my mother and father love each other more.
Now, I am not sharing this in an attempt to elicit pity or sympathy. (I despise being pitied and have little use for sympathy.) What I am trying to say is this: if you are married and have children, and you are neglecting your spouse's emotional needs to tend to your child's wants, you are not only doing him/her a disservice, you are doing your children a greater disservice than you can ever imagine. Because of what I have experienced, I become frustrated when I hear people say that they are putting their children before their spouse for their children's benefit. Consciously or not, it's hiding from problems in a relationship and using your kids as a scapegoat.
If nothing else, please take away from this the fact that children are extremely sensitive to their parent's issues and want them to be happy together more than anything. Your actions may not affect only your partner.
...Again, sorry about the rant or if I offended anyone. I just wanted to put this out there. I think finding the right balance is one of the most important things you can do for your children and yourself.
Last edited:
Quiet
i know nothing
- MBTI
- infj
- Enneagram
- 1w9
[MENTION=9615]FGordon[/MENTION], just a brief response until I find more time in a few days.
Thank you sharing your experience. That is a pretty bad situation you are all in. I would hate anyone to feel that attached to me. I don't think that you will repeat the same scenario, you seem too aware of what's going on and how it's effected you and your family. Also, this is completely a stereotype and generalisation but I think Ni doms are too independent and introspective to create this kind of relationship. Love is not about clinging and expectations. Have you spoken to your mother about this?
Thank you sharing your experience. That is a pretty bad situation you are all in. I would hate anyone to feel that attached to me. I don't think that you will repeat the same scenario, you seem too aware of what's going on and how it's effected you and your family. Also, this is completely a stereotype and generalisation but I think Ni doms are too independent and introspective to create this kind of relationship. Love is not about clinging and expectations. Have you spoken to your mother about this?
I don't want to go into detail about my problems or personal life with strangers (no offense) more than I already have. But I will say that I'm fairly certain that my mother and father are Fe and Si doms, respectively. And I'm not so much concerned about repeating the cycle on one of my children but having the cycle repeated on me, just with the role changed. Again, I put that story out there as something to consider and why I'm searching for what I am, not to get advice/pity/sympathy/help/whatever.