Looking for advice on my INFJ friend!

[Sloe Djinn]

For those who would like an update: I tried to talk with her about the entire situation today; she seemed willing to talk, as long as I asked her questions. She told me she has a hard time just opening up and speaking her own thoughts without anyone digging with her. Fine!

I mentioned how it's interesting how she says she wants to meet up, but won't cause "she's not ready". I asked her why she's not ready, and brought up some examples. All of the examples she just replied "Dunno /shrugs" to. I eventually asked if I was save to talk about commitment of phobia, just general talk, not trying to diagnose her. That was fine. I explained her the symptoms, the causes, how people with fear of commitment don't generally realise they have it. She agreed, once again, that it's really recognisable and both the causes and most of the symptoms are present... "But I don't think that's me ".

I gave her some more ideas of why she's not quite ready yet, she gave me ambiguous answers, and I tried to talk about those answers with her - to no luck.

I followed up saying I had to keep in mind that she might simply just be fine with how our "relationship" is right now and has no intentions of moving further. She replied with a shrug. I replied that I thought it was really rude to reply like that - how I was talking about my thoughts/feelings, how I was trying to help her dig (which she agreed to) and find HER true feelings. How I'm constantly working to improve and strengthen whatever it is we have, trying to move on to a next step, and how she just shrugs me off. Told her she doesn't show ANY effort at all and that I wonder if she actually even wants to move forward.

She told me she simply doesn't feel like she's ready yet, and that she doesn't want to talk about these things at this hour (which is interesting, cause I intentionally asked her if it was okay to talk about it "now" and she said yes).

I ended the chat with
"You keep saying you'd like to meet up, but you won't
You say I'm worth 15 minutes of your time, but you won't give them to me
You're saying you'd like to continue with the good morning and good night messages, but lately, if I don't send them to you, I don't get any back (editor's note: she's been feeling down and depressed and that's supposedly the reason why she hasn't been sending those).
You say you're not stringing me along, but you won't show ANY effort to full-fill my needs (even though I clearly talked about those when we just started chatting and you said those were clear and you'd try to full-fill them).
It's important that actions and words match each other; and yours simply don't. You say you'd like me to wait, but I simply can't anymore, if you don't even show ANY effort at all. I'm sorry, but the way things are going right now simply isn't working for me."

So, yea! That's been working really well! We'll see if this message will make her understand that she needs to put in some effort if she wants to keep whatever it is we have.

On the plusside, a friend randomly introduced me to a friend of hers (yesterday) who I've ended up chatting with. She's also an INFJ, so far she's making me laugh a lot and she's actually asked me if I want to hang out and play some co-op Switch games somewhere during the next weekend, so that's pretty awesome!

Well good job putting your needs on the table. We could speculate all day on what her true motivations/intentions are, but I think the most important thing is that you've explored what you really want and also expressed that to her. Even if she is not lying and is having trouble coping with trauma, you won't be stuck in limbo. She may just not be ready for a physical relationship, and you can move on without wondering if there's something more you should have done.

 

[mintoots]

I think she likes you and I think she may have fears of commitment. It seems to me as though her not wanting to meet is indicative of her personal issues. It seems to me that she may have aplenty. It could be that she is afraid of rejection or it could be that she herself has some other issues, potentially posessiveness and anxiety included, that she may need to address. To me, it looks like she may have a lot of growing up to do. For you, it's one thing to like someone, it's another thing to check whether or not you can have a mature relationship with that someone. Everything is a work in progress but there will be no progress if there is no willingness to work to begin with. She may want to work it out with you but it would require her maturity to actually act on working it out with you. At that point, I see that it would be up to you whether or not you want something like that in your life.

I do think she likes you. Also, before you go on meeting others, I think the kindest thing to do is to properly break up with her. It may not have been an official relationship but the emotional investment requires a clean break. Unless, you both like a messy and complicated moving on strategy.

You seem to be on a good decision making path though but be kind nonetheless. I am sure she will hurt and perhaps you will too, once you decide to end it.

 

[WeirdBeardBob]

I think she likes you and I think she may have fears of commitment. It seems to me as though her not wanting to meet is indicative of her personal issues. It seems to me that she may have aplenty. It could be that she is afraid of rejection or it could be that she herself has some other issues, potentially posessiveness and anxiety included, that she may need to address. To me, it looks like she may have a lot of growing up to do. For you, it's one thing to like someone, it's another thing to check whether or not you can have a mature relationship with that someone. Everything is a work in progress but there will be no progress if there is no willingness to work to begin with. She may want to work it out with you but it would require her maturity to actually act on working it out with you. At that point, I see that it would be up to you whether or not you want something like that in your life.

I do think she likes you. Also, before you go on meeting others, I think the kindest thing to do is to properly break up with her. It may not have been an official relationship but the emotional investment requires a clean break. Unless, you both like a messy and complicated moving on strategy.

You seem to be on a good decision making path though but be kind nonetheless. I am sure she will hurt and perhaps you will too, once you decide to end it.

Thanks for the reply! I agreed with her, when we opened up about having feelings towards each other, we'd let each other know if we ever found out there's someone in our lifes who we'd see as a potential partner. I'm going to stick to that agreement no matter what happens! Even though, even if I end up meeting this new lady, which is going to be casual - as a demisexual it is way too early for me to decide if I'm going to like her as more than friends - I'll let the current lady know, cause I believe that's the fair thing to do!

I do think she likes me and if she clearly opens up and tells me she'll want to be with me but needs to work out her issues - that's fine. I'll stick by her side and hold her hand as she solves her problems. She is not her trauma, it is not her fault. She deserves love and care. But as long as she's ambiguous and won't tell me straight up what's happening or what I can expect, there's little to nothing I can do AND it's slowly starting to take ME down as well

 

[mintoots]

That's nice. It's good whe

Thanks for the reply! I agreed with her, when we opened up about having feelings towards each other, we'd let each other know if we ever found out there's someone in our lifes who we'd see as a potential partner. I'm going to stick to that agreement no matter what happens! Even though, even if I end up meeting this new lady, which is going to be casual - as a demisexual it is way too early for me to decide if I'm going to like her as more than friends - I'll let the current lady know, cause I believe that's the fair thing to do!

I do think she likes me and if she clearly opens up and tells me she'll want to be with me but needs to work out her issues - that's fine. I'll stick by her side and hold her hand as she solves her problems. She is not her trauma, it is not her fault. She deserves love and care. But as long as she's ambiguous and won't tell me straight up what's happening or what I can expect, there's little to nothing I can do AND it's slowly starting to take ME down as well

I think everybody deserves love and care. It seems apparent though that she hasn't decided whether or not she deserves to receive that from you. More importantly, she hasn't decided whether or not she wants to receive it from you. You can persuade her, little by little. But it would be better to stay well cautioned because choices like these are really her own.

 

[Asa]

@WeirdBeardBob - I think you should move on.

What I get from her responses to your heart-felt talk is that she is not accepting you. Even if she likes you, even if her reasons for holding off are legitimate, you deserve more. Meeting face-to-face would not have to mean beginning a physical relationship, and she won't meet with you. She won't open up to you. She shrugs instead of replying.

A fair warning:
Whatever problems exist in a new relationship often stick with the relationship and get worse. There are certain little problems like long-distance that can be easily resolved, but even then one person's family will always be far away. If you commit to someone with depression you are committing to the depression, if you commit to someone who suffered trauma you are committing to that trauma, if you commit to someone with an abusive family you are committing to that history, and so forth. How your partner copes and heals with mental health issues matter. If they aren't proactive and choosing healthy paths, that will matter. If she is treating you like this in the beginning, she will continue to exhibit behaviors where she closes you out, won't open up, acts "distant", etc, in the future. It is noble to overlook some big issues in the name of love, but these things can also be a huge burden. I'm not saying never fall in love with complicated people, because we are all complicated in some way or another, but be careful about what you are willing to accept when you enter a new relationship. Whatever you let through your front door will make itself at home. When making these decisions yes, be compassionate toward your friend, but also be compassionate to yourself. Take care of yourself.