Lost myself

[PastelpinkPuppy]

I dont know what i am anymore. I seem to be using all functions and they seem equally strong or strong enough till i cant differentiate them anymore. Im such a contradiction that it's confusing me too much. I do think i'm an underdeveloped infj and sometimes pretty unhealthy fyi.

But anyway im always thinking about things and analyzing every single thing around me. Sometimes i do think i use Fi when i see my colleagues passing food around and everyone receiving one, most of them have done this to share and care for our teabreak, yet i find myself guilty and rather self centered that i have not done anything but always accepting food from them. We're not obliged to be the giver of the food but i see their hearts much bigger than mine and more willing to share and ask everyone. The guilt then keeps coming in and im thinking of buying better food for them in future but in the meantime i get uneasy with all this.

Then there is the Si part of it. I always say "hey the food doesnt taste as good as it was" or " that smell reminds me of something" etc. Isnt this a really Si trait? But i dont have a concrete memory of things and sometimes doubt myself if i even remember the events properly and factually. Si also is better with money, i suck at it and am extremely bad with money. I have a good eye for bright colors and nice designs and am always attracted to buying them when i see something to my perfectionist tastes. Si is also good with faces, names and remembering things. Whilst i am good with faces and names, i struggle to recall song lyrics of any song,i usually remember one or two songs full whereas my intp friend can recall almost all the songs we picked and the lyrics despite not even memorising them the day before our karaoke meetup.

As for Te and Ti i dare say im more analytical. I do respect authority but tend to think nothing much of it and i think respect for others comes higher than authority.

I feel that i either never knew who i was or have changed till im unrecognisable even to myself. Growing up i was shy and quiet but was a jokester and liked having fun and lightening moods, but i hated it when people said i was quiet. It always seemed like being quiet was a bad thing to me. I then decided to be more open and friendly to avoid people saying that. They of course didnt mean it but it was a personal disgust for that word to me. Usually people who didnt know me would say that or when i was merely thinking something. I would also occasionally get a "hey how come u look so sad?" Or a "you ok? You look kinda sad" i got this so many times till i got immune because all it was was my thinking face. I felt as if i became some sort of a person who talked too much and couldnt stand awkward silences, i would initiate conversations if the other party didnt talk or seemed awkward. If alone with a close friend i would talk like my normal self which was more low and no tonal variations. But with more outgoing people my voice would get excited (unknowingly) and over time i realised this part of me felt unreal. But it has led me to be rather comfortable in situations with other people whom ive just met. I would speak to them as if they were close to me or joke around and instill some laughs.

What is it that i am, i think im something but nothing is fitting the more i think into it.
Any insights on this peeps? And can anyone be in a loop for a many years? Cuz i feel my self control is out of the window.

 

[Ginny]

I have read in a blog that you can be "in the grip" for many years, a loop, though... depends, what kind of loop it is, I guess.

I think that at some point in our lives everyone gets unsure about their identity. Being of the type also known as the "social chamelions" doesn't make it any easier. I too have moments where I am so focussed on the other person that my self-awareness and -control seems to be lacking. I make decisions which I later regret, for example revealing a secret, or don't present myself the way I want to come across in that moment. Being a E4-dom, as you say, makes you probably even more worried about losing yourself than other types. Therefore, I think you may not find the solution to your problem in MBTI, but perhaps in the enneagram theory.

I've done some research, and I thought you might be interested in this (they also mention loops): http://theenneagram.blogspot.de/2007/09/type-4.html

Back to the cognitive functions, everyone uses every function, if that is what you are wondering about, only to a different extent, and it is not always as perfectly balanced as you would like it to be. It's always useful to track your use of the cognitive functions, but at some point it becomes counterproductive, especially when you use it to destabilise your image of your identity, as I have the feeling you are doing right there. I'd suggest you take some time off MBTI, focus on discovering yourself instead of your function-use, and maybe things will sort themselves out. Because I believe the examples you posted are not exactly reference to your usual behaviour, rather an image you make of your supposed usual behaviour, which, as you pointed out, may be distorted. Perhaps writing in a diary would help keep track of yourself and your behaviour over a longer course of time.

Edit: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-4/

 

[Wyote]

you can be "in the grip" for many years

Yup

 

[PastelpinkPuppy]

I have read in a blog that you can be "in the grip" for many years, a loop, though... depends, what kind of loop it is, I guess.

I think that at some point in our lives everyone gets unsure about their identity. Being of the type also known as the "social chamelions" doesn't make it any easier. I too have moments where I am so focussed on the other person that my self-awareness and -control seems to be lacking. I make decisions which I later regret, for example revealing a secret, or don't present myself the way I want to come across in that moment. Being a E4-dom, as you say, makes you probably even more worried about losing yourself than other types. Therefore, I think you may not find the solution to your problem in MBTI, but perhaps in the enneagram theory.

I've done some research, and I thought you might be interested in this (they also mention loops): http://theenneagram.blogspot.de/2007/09/type-4.html

Back to the cognitive functions, everyone uses every function, if that is what you are wondering about, only to a different extent, and it is not always as perfectly balanced as you would like it to be. It's always useful to track your use of the cognitive functions, but at some point it becomes counterproductive, especially when you use it to destabilise your image of your identity, as I have the feeling you are doing right there. I'd suggest you take some time off MBTI, focus on discovering yourself instead of your function-use, and maybe things will sort themselves out. Because I believe the examples you posted are not exactly reference to your usual behaviour, rather an image you make of your supposed usual behaviour, which, as you pointed out, may be distorted. Perhaps writing in a diary would help keep track of yourself and your behaviour over a longer course of time.

Edit: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-4/

This is a good link and i've saved it for future reference. Looks like i should go more into enneagram and move away from mbti as u suggested. As i noticed from your link it seems my troubles stem from being a 4 and not so much the mbti type. Thanks Ginny

 

[Ginny]

This is a good link and i've saved it for future reference. Looks like i should go more into enneagram and move away from mbti as u suggested. As i noticed from your link it seems my troubles stem from being a 4 and not so much the mbti type. Thanks Ginny

I didn't mean for you to remove yourself entirely but the enneagram theory is a good expansion of typological theories.

 

[infinite dreams]

Then there is the Si part of it. I always say "hey the food doesnt taste as good as it was" or " that smell reminds me of something" etc. Isnt this a really Si trait? But i dont have a concrete memory of things and sometimes doubt myself if i even remember the events properly and factually. Si also is better with money, i suck at it and am extremely bad with money. I have a good eye for bright colors and nice designs and am always attracted to buying them when i see something to my perfectionist tastes. Si is also good with faces, names and remembering things. Whilst i am good with faces and names, i struggle to recall song lyrics of any song,i usually remember one or two songs full whereas my intp friend can recall almost all the songs we picked and the lyrics despite not even memorising them the day before our karaoke meetup.

Your Si sounds very similar to mine, which as an INTP is tertiary. As a function further down the stack, it certainly exists and comes into play, but tends to be "hit or miss" with specifics and is not nearly as refined and precise as that of an SJ. I read once that an INxP's tertiary Si is what enables us to hold onto lasting memories of the "atmosphere" or general feel of things and use that for comparative purposes in our everyday lives, as opposed to SJs (especially ISxJs) who can easily recollect and recite very specific details of persons, places, things and events for years on end.

As for Te and Ti i dare say im more analytical. I do respect authority but tend to think nothing much of it and i think respect for others comes higher than authority.

Inherent respect for the authority of others points to usage of Te (i.e. the desire for external order). By contrast, a Ti perspective might be "I am forced to respect authority even when I frequently don't agree with it, in order to live a more efficient and trouble-free life."

That said, "respect for others comes higher than authority" sure sounds like an Fi precept to me.

I feel that i either never knew who i was or have changed till im unrecognisable even to myself. Growing up i was shy and quiet but was a jokester and liked having fun and lightening moods, but i hated it when people said i was quiet. It always seemed like being quiet was a bad thing to me. I then decided to be more open and friendly to avoid people saying that. They of course didnt mean it but it was a personal disgust for that word to me. Usually people who didnt know me would say that or when i was merely thinking something. I would also occasionally get a "hey how come u look so sad?" Or a "you ok? You look kinda sad" i got this so many times till i got immune because all it was was my thinking face. I felt as if i became some sort of a person who talked too much and couldnt stand awkward silences, i would initiate conversations if the other party didnt talk or seemed awkward. If alone with a close friend i would talk like my normal self which was more low and no tonal variations. But with more outgoing people my voice would get excited (unknowingly) and over time i realised this part of me felt unreal. But it has led me to be rather comfortable in situations with other people whom ive just met. I would speak to them as if they were close to me or joke around and instill some laughs.

What is it that i am, i think im something but nothing is fitting the more i think into it.
Any insights on this peeps? And can anyone be in a loop for a many years? Cuz i feel my self control is out of the window.

This all sounds like Fi/Ne, with some Fi/Si looping also going on. Based on what you've written you seem to be an INFP.

I don't know if that helps you or not. What I can say is that once you determine what your type is, it can help you to focus on your strengths and mitigate your weaknesses. Having lived 40-something years on this planet I can confidently say that embracing who I actually am (instead of trying to become the person I thought the world wanted me to be) was the best life strategy I have ever employed.

 

[PastelpinkPuppy]

Your Si sounds very similar to mine, which as an INTP is tertiary. As a function further down the stack, it certainly exists and comes into play, but tends to be "hit or miss" with specifics and is not nearly as refined and precise as that of an SJ. I read once that an INxP's tertiary Si is what enables us to hold onto lasting memories of the "atmosphere" or general feel of things and use that for comparative purposes in our everyday lives, as opposed to SJs (especially ISxJs) who can easily recollect and recite very specific details of persons, places, things and events for years on end.



Inherent respect for the authority of others points to usage of Te (i.e. the desire for external order). By contrast, a Ti perspective might be "I am forced to respect authority even when I frequently don't agree with it, in order to live a more efficient and trouble-free life."

That said, "respect for others comes higher than authority" sure sounds like an Fi precept to me.



This all sounds like Fi/Ne, with some Fi/Si looping also going on. Based on what you've written you seem to be an INFP.

I don't know if that helps you or not. What I can say is that once you determine what your type is, it can help you to focus on your strengths and mitigate your weaknesses. Having lived 40-something years on this planet I can confidently say that embracing who I actually am (instead of trying to become the person I thought the world wanted me to be) was the best life strategy I have ever employed.

I did contemplate if i was infp before, i analyzed many a time and for months, but functions of an infp did not suit me ( and i was already being objective to myself before being infj), but to me it would take more of what i personally said in the post to determine a type. I never thought of being an infj when i was infp because i never saw myself as being special, i was self absorbed but never seeing myself as being special or unique from others. I wanted to fit in but from that group that i fit in, i wanted to stand out.

I do have the intp friend i mentioned and it was from her that i gathered i might be an infj due to her being very confident that she was a feeler but as much as she seemed very infj and me being intp (we seem like each other alot and she was one of the best intuitives to talk to), she still did not fit into the functions and i went on a 6month daily routine to find out what she was. While it is highly debatable due to my underdeveloped/unhealthy functions, that i may have Fi, i sometimes also think im self absorbed enough to have Fi. But the other functions like Ti and Te, Ti is analytical and subjective, Te is objective and usually follows rules and the law. Ti also thinks before speaking and it is a critical function, due to this i would say ur better off typing me as intp than infp as i highly value my Ti and am a very very logical person. A big emphasis on logic as well.

There are too many things ive researched on and one of them is the Ne function. I have an Enfp (Ne dom) friend whom i constantly get irritated with because she randomly cuts me off to talk about something unrelated or that we're on a topic and out of nowhere she talks about something else as if i had never spoken. Then there is my infp classmate who is an artist, she gives off a really different vibe and says and does things that are out of this world. Infps are world changers and extremely passionate, they have great ideas of what things could be and definitely no stranger to weirdness or peculiarity. I went to art school but i found i struggled alot compared to my friends because i didnt know how to think of concepts or how to think of great ideas, i felt stupid and thought i belonged to office life instead and here i am definitely liking it far better than when i was an art teacher. I also cant stand improvisation and taking charge of a sudden situation. I got so stressed by students coming into art class when it was not their day to do so and i remember panicking very badly and getting upset due to sudden changes. I developed a health condition from all that stress in my art job and now still am paying the price for it.

I am also aware that being too stuck in your head for a long time that you are a certain type just sets u up for disaster, that is why im willing to explore functions as seeing my friend not wanting to be an intp and always thinking herself as infj just made me more critical and skeptical of how sure i should be about my own type. Whilst i seem infj and infp both, only a small percentage is more towards infj. Its not who i want to be, i definitely do not emphasize more on the rarity of the type and being the most special. While it does sound good, it isnt what i was here for, I was sucked into the infj type because of Fe in the first place.

My intp friend decided i was an infp long time ago and said i had Fi. Back then i didnt know anything about functions and assumed i was one myself. Because she assumed herself to be infj then, i did not once want to pick on the infj type for myself. Fe cares about the feelings of others, and is very people pleasing and mindful of social manners. Ways i say i have Fe are more than me having Fi as ive analyzed my colleagues on a daily basis and i usually answer questions on tests objectively which is why i always end up getting infp or esfj or isfj but never infj.

I also know quite well how the intp works and is very very similar to the infj but alas not one. And through my friend i learnt what is Si and Ne. Through my own dad (istj) and mom (istp) i learnt what are opposites of the functions. I always do think sometimes if im an infp, my functions all seem jumbled up. But when i get highly stressed i do not criticize people nor tell them what they did wrong, i mainly cry so nobody knows and suck it up and go put my emotions on a burger or fries or have months of relentless coke drinking.

You all do have your own opinions and whilst i already know what i am, i merely want to make sense of what im feeling as everything seems so confusing. I also take into considerations if something fits i sits, but ive been thru tons of sites till i found the unhealthy/underdeveloped infj site which seemed to be what i was. Seeming like an infj, critical,logical, judgemental but lacking of Fe, and having no goals in life etc.

I can answer any question that you all might provide for a clearer understanding of my blur and distorted view of myself.