Low self-esteem vs. healthy self-esteem in INFJs

Entyqua said:
I realize this...but I give her my all...I build her up...if I have anything to feel good about its her...Dont underestimate my ability to love myself, and an inability to mold her...She will have everything I never did...:m033:
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Do you love yourself?
 
Restraint said:
How old is your daughter? Not sure if she's old enough, but have you ever shared your poems with her, something which she can read or relate to, for example a poem on how you feel about her and why?

Don't ignore yourself though. I have self-sacrificial parent, and it wasn't healthy in the long run for her or me. So, be wary of giving too much of yourself and not valuing who you are. Dang girl, you have a ton to offer. I'm assuming you know this, of course.
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Shes eight...the imagery of my poems will be lost on her for now...

Dont think i dont try to feel good about myself...I do...I dont have many good points in my life to build from...When your told how useless and stupid you are from your first memory, to your latest (my parents are horrid) Its hard to find somewhere to build from...

at the risk of sounding like im trolling for complements, im not, but no...I dont see what I have to offer...most days I feel like a broken toy that should be at the dump...
 
Entyqua said:
Shes eight...the imagery of my poems will be lost on her for now...

Dont think i dont try to feel good about myself...I do...I dont have many good points in my life to build from...When your told how useless and stupid you are from your first memory, to your latest (my parents are horrid) Its hard to find somewhere to build from...

at the risk of sounding like im trolling for complements, im not, but no...I dont see what I have to offer...most days I feel like a broken toy that should be at the dump...
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It seems you're confusing lack of validation with the belief that you have nothing to validate. Even if you're not being validated by a parent or loved one doesn't mean that you're lacking. It's easy to think that you're nothing when others treat you this way or make you feel that you have no choices but to believe what you're told about yourself (I know this from experience). But perception is not reality.

I think the process for you may include taking the time to realize that simply because someone says you're not worthy, doesn't mean you aren't. I know what it's like to go through similar feelings. And it's not the easiest thing to recover from. I still struggle with this to some extent, but not to the extend that you've had to deal with. For me, it was less about what was said, than what was expected.

But, ask yourself, "why am I so willing to believe that what they say is true? What makes them right? Why do I have the need to accept what they say? What am I afraid of?" You can start with this and see where it leads.
 
NeverAmI said:
I think this deserves some internal analysis on your part.
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im sure your right...


Restraint said:
It seems you're confusing lack of validation with the belief that you have nothing to validate. Even if you're not being validated by a parent or loved one doesn't mean that you're lacking. It's easy to think that you're nothing when others treat you this way or make you feel that you have no choices but to believe what you're told about yourself (I know this from experience). But perception is not reality.

I think the process for you may include taking the time to realize that simply because someone says you're not worthy, doesn't mean you aren't. I know what it's like to go through similar feelings. And it's not the easiest thing to recover from. I still struggle with this to some extent, but not to the extend that you've had to deal with. For me, it was less about what was said, than what was expected.

But, ask yourself, "why am I so willing to believe that what they say is true? What makes them right? Why do I have the need to accept what they say? What am I afraid of?" You can start with this and see where it leads.
Click to expand...

Its difficult, I know...Is it a perception however, when its all you know? Like being brainwashed to think your a monkey...how is it different...I dont know how to feel good about myself, because I never had anything to go off of...

I know I feel good about myself in certain aspects of my life...but others...Im like two people split in half...One this beautiful carefree woman who loves her family, and enjoys her art, and thinks shes pretty darn good, and the other a broken, malformed person whose had stones thrown at her her whole life...
 
Restraint said:
It seems you're confusing lack of validation with the belief that you have nothing to validate. Even if you're not being validated by a parent or loved one doesn't mean that you're lacking. It's easy to think that you're nothing when others treat you this way or make you feel that you have no choices but to believe what you're told about yourself (I know this from experience). But perception is not reality.

I think the process for you may include taking the time to realize that simply because someone says you're not worthy, doesn't mean you aren't. I know what it's like to go through similar feelings. And it's not the easiest thing to recover from. I still struggle with this to some extent, but not to the extend that you've had to deal with. For me, it was less about what was said, than what was expected.

But, ask yourself, "why am I so willing to believe that what they say is true? What makes them right? Why do I have the need to accept what they say? What am I afraid of?" You can start with this and see where it leads.
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This is very good advice, but I fear the rabbit hole goes even deeper still.
 
I for one am guilty of the two extremes, the sudden withdrawal and the social butterfly (but only when I'm drinking). I drink in social situations to "loosen up" and gain liquid confidence, which is bad, I know. But otherwise, I can't cope.

Thank you all for your insights! I'm so glad I found this forum! What do you think is the right course of action for someone who has AvPD? Counseling? Medication? Both? A lobotomy?
 
Entyqua said:
Shes eight...the imagery of my poems will be lost on her for now...

Dont think i dont try to feel good about myself...I do...I dont have many good points in my life to build from...When your told how useless and stupid you are from your first memory, to your latest (my parents are horrid) Its hard to find somewhere to build from...

at the risk of sounding like im trolling for complements, im not, but no...I dont see what I have to offer...most days I feel like a broken toy that should be at the dump...
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I feel the overwhelming need to give you a hug and to talk with you over coffee and ball our eyes out. No joke.

I, myself, would love to become a parent, but am completely, overwhelmingly scared that I won't have the emotional stability to deal.

I admire and respect parents and their love for their children. I think it is fantastic what you are trying to do for your daughter...:m032: and have no earthly idea how you are able to do it.
 
flutterbyz said:
What do you think is the right course of action for someone who has AvPD? Counseling? Medication? Both? A lobotomy?
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I wouldn't recommend a lobotomy. :m083: I don't think they work as well.

But anyway, counseling is probably your best bet, and not avoiding people. When stressed, seek support and contact which makes you feel comfortable, whether online or in person. People who truly care don't shy away when someone is going through tough times. And don't feel guilty if you feel unsure about things or don't feel like you have it all together. Take your time. Be patient with yourself, and then seek the help you need.
 
flutterbyz said:
I for one am guilty of the two extremes, the sudden withdrawal and the social butterfly (but only when I'm drinking). I drink in social situations to "loosen up" and gain liquid confidence, which is bad, I know. But otherwise, I can't cope.

Thank you all for your insights! I'm so glad I found this forum! What do you think is the right course of action for someone who has AvPD? Counseling? Medication? Both? A lobotomy?
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Welcome to the forums. I think joining us is one of the first best steps you can take.

:hug:
 
flutterbyz said:
I feel the overwhelming need to give you a hug and to talk with you over coffee and ball our eyes out. No joke.

I, myself, would love to become a parent, but am completely, overwhelmingly scared that I won't have the emotional stability to deal.

I admire and respect parents and their love for their children. I think it is fantastic what you are trying to do for your daughter...:m032: and have no earthly idea how you are able to do it.
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I accept both hugs and coffee...thank you...and welcome
 
Entyqua said:
Shes eight...the imagery of my poems will be lost on her for now...

Dont think i dont try to feel good about myself...I do...I dont have many good points in my life to build from...When your told how useless and stupid you are from your first memory, to your latest (my parents are horrid) Its hard to find somewhere to build from...

at the risk of sounding like im trolling for complements, im not, but no...I dont see what I have to offer...most days I feel like a broken toy that should be at the dump...
Click to expand...


Sweetie,
I read this and had to write to you. Coming from a back-ground much like your own, sadly even my own husband's childhood shared this same fate... I want to speak to you, and have you "really hear this."

(My short-background. Abandoned by first set of parents - Grandfather found me cold, wet and hungry three days later. Age: 1 year. Next set didn't like me too much due to their own stressors. And my name was piss-ant more than thing else. Beaten, broken and tired... I thought God made a mistake with having me born. )

I began to realize that I was wrong about God and many other things. I thought about what the folks went through during the Holocaust... they weren't to be blamed for the actions of a madman. Nor, should I be blamed for the actions of my two set's of parents. --- I went from hopeless to inspired. (This really started to hit home within me, after the birth of my own daughter. Seeing me through her years... I was just like her and there is NOTHING that she could ever to wrong enough to ever have me harm her! -- I realized that I was innocent. It wasn't me that was to be blamed at all, for the abuse I suffered.)

Next, came the anger. But, it was short lived. It turned into actual sorrow for them. I was sorry that their lives were so screwed up that they had no problem doing what they did. Now, I have a great relationship with my mother. --- I realized that I was stronger than all of them. I defined my own life, not my past. And that's the message I gave my kids.

I became a symbol of strength. And I am sure that this will happen to you as well, with your own children and yourself.

(What I honor with thought and action -- Becomes my reality. My health and happiness is my right and my choice.)
 
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water said:
Sweetie,
I read this and had to write to you. Coming from a back-ground much like your own, sadly even my own husband's childhood shared this same fate... I want to speak to you, and have you "really hear this."

(My short-background. Abandoned by first set of parents - Grandfather found me cold, wet and hungry three days later. Age: 1 year. Next set didn't like me too much due to their own stressors. And my name was piss-ant more than thing else. Beaten, broken and tired... I thought God made a mistake with having me born. )

I began to realize that I was wrong about God and many other things. I thought about what the folks went through during the Holocaust... they weren't to be blamed for the actions of a madman. Nor, should I be blamed for the actions of my two set's of parents. --- I went from hopeless to inspired. (This really started to hit home within me, after the birth of my own daughter. Seeing me through her years... I was just like her and there is NOTHING that she could ever to wrong enough to ever have me harm her! -- I realized that I was innocent. It wasn't me that was to be blamed at all, for the abuse I suffered.)

Next, came the anger. But, it was short lived. It turned into actual sorrow for them. I was sorry that their lives were so screwed up that they had no problem doing what they did. Now, I have a great relationship with my mother. --- I realized that I was stronger than all of them. I defined my own life, not my past. And that's the message I gave my kids.

I became a symbol of strength. And I am sure that this will happen to you as well, with your own children and yourself.

(What I honor with thought and action -- Becomes my reality. My health and happiness is my right and my choice.)
Click to expand...

:hug:
 
water said:
Sweetie,
I read this and had to write to you. Coming from a back-ground much like your own, sadly even my own husband's childhood shared this same fate... I want to speak to you, and have you "really hear this."

(My short-background. Abandoned by first set of parents - Grandfather found me cold, wet and hungry three days later. Age: 1 year. Next set didn't like me too much due to their own stressors. And my name was piss-ant more than thing else. Beaten, broken and tired... I thought God made a mistake with having me born. )

I began to realize that I was wrong about God and many other things. I thought about what the folks went through during the Holocaust... they weren't to be blamed for the actions of a madman. Nor, should I be blamed for the actions of my two set's of parents. --- I went from hopeless to inspired. (This really started to hit home within me, after the birth of my own daughter. Seeing me through her years... I was just like her and there is NOTHING that she could ever to wrong enough to ever have me harm her! -- I realized that I was innocent. It wasn't me that was to be blamed at all, for the abuse I suffered.)

Next, came the anger. But, it was short lived. It turned into actual sorrow for them. I was sorry that their lives were so screwed up that they had no problem doing what they did. Now, I have a great relationship with my mother. --- I realized that I was stronger than all of them. I defined my own life, not my past. And that's the message I gave my kids.

I became a symbol of strength. And I am sure that this will happen to you as well, with your own children and yourself.

(What I honor with thought and action -- Becomes my reality. My health and happiness is my right and my choice.)
Click to expand...


Thank you for sharing this with me, And I do understand...completely...I know parts of me are healing, parts of me are starting to see me clearly...but other parts...deeper buried parts...still hurt...and newer parts are hurt every time I talk to my parents. I know I need to stop looking to them to fix it...stop looking to them at all. I want to move away from here...far away from them...It would help me i know.

She lives 10 minutes from me, and can still guilt me into coming over and spending the day being taunted and antagonized about what a horrid daughter I am...God I'm almost 30 it shouldn't matter so much...:m033: All I ever wanted was her approval that something I did in my life was right...But she can never do that...

My husband wont move...so Im stuck here...Too weak to tell her to go to hell...
 
Entyqua said:
Thank you for sharing this with me, And I do understand...completely...I know parts of me are healing, parts of me are starting to see me clearly...but other parts...deeper buried parts...still hurt...and newer parts are hurt every time I talk to my parents. I know I need to stop looking to them to fix it...stop looking to them at all. I want to move away from here...far away from them...It would help me i know.

She lives 10 minutes from me, and can still guilt me into coming over and spending the day being taunted and antagonized about what a horrid daughter I am...God I'm almost 30 it shouldn't matter so much...:m033: All I ever wanted was her approval that something I did in my life was right...But she can never do that...

My husband wont move...so Im stuck here...Too weak to tell her to go to hell...
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I love you and I wanted you to know this! --- Sweetie, the "hurt" will always be there. But, it is them... never you.

I love that fact that you want to move. Weird as it may sound... This shows your strength! (You are strong)

Remember that "line" between you and them. (That helps me alot.) So, that you remember it's okay to say "No" and "I choose different." Their job is to respect it.

I love you and am so very proud of your progress... your never alone!
 
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water said:
I love you and I wanted you to know this! --- Sweetie, the "hurt" will always be there. But, it is them... never you.

I love that fact that you want to move. Weird as it may sound... This shows your strength! (You are strong)

Remember that "line" between you and them. (That helps me alot.) So, that you remember it's okay to say "No" and "I choose different." Their job is to respect it.

I love you and am so very proud of your progress... your never alone!
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ooooh This was such an ego boost for me...you have no idea...And I LOVE YOU TOO for sharing it with me...
 
Entyqua said:
ooooh This was such an ego boost for me...you have no idea...And I LOVE YOU TOO for sharing it with me...
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No problem... keep me informed of your happenings. Love to you and I'm always here, my strong lady!

-- Completely awesome!
 
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