Sorry to hear things are so hard right now.
You seem really focused on being worthless or a burden. Perhaps doing something that could actively help others might bring that sense of self-worth. Even if it's just doing office work for the ISPCAN (International Society for the Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect). I know going from surgeon to an unpaid volunteer wouldn't be easy, but it would get you out of the house and could make you feel good about yourself. It would also mean meeting more people, maybe help you get out of your mind.
I hate to hear that you feel like "a worthless excuse for a person sometimes..." I think keyword here is "sometimes." From experience, and I'm sure you know, that these feelings come and go. I think the chronic pain thing can be so debilitating to the spirit. We are a society defined by "what do you do?" (which all too often means "how much do you make?" or "how important are you?"). The message is received. It's sometimes so hard to answer that question without an inner wince. It's always a little gut punch for me. I have to remember not answer with "I used to be XYZ" and blah blah. Who you are now is good enough. You are more than good enough. But please remember your intrinsic value lies far beyond title or what paycheck you pull in. I don't know you, but from the little I've had the pleasure of reading here, I believe you are person with an embarrassment of wealth in your contributions to the world. Taking classes at the community college near me has helped me remember I am growing, living, vital. I don't need an impressive title to prove that. I wonder if taking a class in something in your area of expertise or just something new would help return some elan to you.
I think @
PintoBean gives some excellent advice. Taking a course in something you've always wanted to learn could give a nice self-esteem boost. I know it did for me. It might start out as a way to lessen that feeling of worthlessness, but could lead to an entire new career.
Sorry to hear that you are living through a very difficult time. It must really suck for you right now man. If you don't mind me asking, what happened to your back? The reason I ask is that I had a very similar bout of despair when I injured my back. My injury was muscular in nature and it took a really long time to heal and I never felt more useless in my life. So I was wondering what the nature of your injury was and what the chances of getting better are.
Of course you are all correct. I just feel so (whatstheword?) under the control of my illness, it dictates almost everything I do in my life.
Do I feel okay this morning…so far, yes…but I know that could change in a few hours…so as where I could be a semi-socially flaky INFJ, I feel like a recluse sometimes, except it isn’t self-inflicted…or maybe it is…maybe it’s all psychosomatic and the X-rays were unconsciously psychically altered…or someone from the many-universes theory came and switched them? Haha.
Jimmers I have ankylosing spondylitis which is a form of rheumatoid arthritis primarily attacking the spine though it can spread wherever it feels like really I guess.
Prognosis…don’t know, no one knows other than it’s gonna suck. Go to the AS association website and check out their forums if you really want to slit your wrists.
Okay..okay…negative nancy - fuck.
I know attitude plays into the way I feel…I just accepted that I use a walking cane when I go out now (it isn’t the one with the hidden sword that I
specifically requested for Xmas, but very nice nonetheless), and you know I’m okay with it.
It’s very nice made of Irish Blackthorn (very magical) with a sandalwood grip (also magical).
So I have been getting into pyrography (burning art into wood) and have done a few things…it’s very tedious but I also enjoy that focus sometimes too.
I just don’t feel like what I’m doing when I’m doing shit like that matters…it begins to feel pointless after a while and the last one I started has sat there for a month now without me touching it.
Like I said, I had another medical thing come up too, and it has me really frightened…medical in nature/way my brain works = bad.
So I’m trying to stay on the positive side of the rainbow with that one…that in the end it will all be just fine.
I want to be at a point where I can go back to volunteering, right now, that just isn’t physically feasible if someone is counting on me…if they aren’t counting on me, then I’m usually in.
So…anyhow some parts are better than this time last year, and some aren’t…and I just lose my shit sometimes…chronic pain = anxiety/depression…I get tired of fighting and have to lash out sometimes.
You all are awesome friends whom I appreciate immensely, and love to talk about interesting shit with.
You don’t ever lay down the harsh or mean judgement on me that some would so giddily do on this forum.
So thanks.
*lots of feels*