Monogomy...the big Myth?
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acd
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Monogamy becomes unappealing when both people aren't making an effort to satisfy each others needs. You get distracted by other obligations career or kids or whatever and you take the other person for granted.
You don't just start off happy and then it's smooth sailing from there. Relationships are always a work in progress, you've got to always be attentive as people change so do their needs, monogamy works out if you remain tuned in to one another and conscious and attentive of each others growth and needs.
You don't just start off happy and then it's smooth sailing from there. Relationships are always a work in progress, you've got to always be attentive as people change so do their needs, monogamy works out if you remain tuned in to one another and conscious and attentive of each others growth and needs.
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klutzo
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Got banana?
We're primates and most primates are not monogamous. Most human males are lucky they get any females at all. In most primate groups, the Alpha males get all the females, and the other males are left with nothing but their right hands ( or left hands, as the case may be).
I was amused over the fuss about what Pres. Clinton did. He was just being a typical Alpha male. Ladies, having to put up with cheating is one price you may pay if you marry a rich or famous man, so think about it first.
In fact, the primate we are most closely related to is the Bonobo, which is very promiscuous, and they are into voyeurism too.
However, we are able to think and decide and create the life we want from the values we choose. It's called self-discipline, and M. Scott Peck once wrote that it equals happiness. I agree. IMO, If you look deeply and honestly at what areas of your life make you unhappy, you will almost always find a lack of self-discipline at the bottom of it. Sadly, most of my generation has failed your generation miserably by coping out on teaching you self-discipline and trying to be your friends instead. I think it is the biggest mistake my generation has made.
I have a good friend who has been married to her first lover for 39 years. She is faithful to him, and since he works about 100 hrs per week, I don't see how he would have time to cheat on her. She was also his first.
I have been faithful to my husband for 25 years and I am 99% sure he has been faithful too, but he is not a powerful Alpha. He's the typical super nice guy who charges too little for his work, does volunteer work, helps old ladies cross the street, etc. Definitely not Alpha, but I will gladly take that trade off. But, both of us had other partners before we met, so we don't qualify for your criteria.
I did not believe it was possible to be monogamous until I met someone who changed my mind when I was 23. I think many people never meet someone like that, so they settle, or remain single, or cheat. We are all living different lives.
I believe most birds are monogamous. I have no idea why. Any bird experts here? I'd love to know the answer.
klutzo
We're primates and most primates are not monogamous. Most human males are lucky they get any females at all. In most primate groups, the Alpha males get all the females, and the other males are left with nothing but their right hands ( or left hands, as the case may be).
I was amused over the fuss about what Pres. Clinton did. He was just being a typical Alpha male. Ladies, having to put up with cheating is one price you may pay if you marry a rich or famous man, so think about it first.
In fact, the primate we are most closely related to is the Bonobo, which is very promiscuous, and they are into voyeurism too.
However, we are able to think and decide and create the life we want from the values we choose. It's called self-discipline, and M. Scott Peck once wrote that it equals happiness. I agree. IMO, If you look deeply and honestly at what areas of your life make you unhappy, you will almost always find a lack of self-discipline at the bottom of it. Sadly, most of my generation has failed your generation miserably by coping out on teaching you self-discipline and trying to be your friends instead. I think it is the biggest mistake my generation has made.
I have a good friend who has been married to her first lover for 39 years. She is faithful to him, and since he works about 100 hrs per week, I don't see how he would have time to cheat on her. She was also his first.
I have been faithful to my husband for 25 years and I am 99% sure he has been faithful too, but he is not a powerful Alpha. He's the typical super nice guy who charges too little for his work, does volunteer work, helps old ladies cross the street, etc. Definitely not Alpha, but I will gladly take that trade off. But, both of us had other partners before we met, so we don't qualify for your criteria.
I did not believe it was possible to be monogamous until I met someone who changed my mind when I was 23. I think many people never meet someone like that, so they settle, or remain single, or cheat. We are all living different lives.
I believe most birds are monogamous. I have no idea why. Any bird experts here? I'd love to know the answer.
klutzo
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Genes vs People. It might make more sense in terms of the dispersal/preservation of the particular genes one carries, but not if you regard children and wives as people with emotional/personal/social needs. (ie. if you look at chromosomes polyamourism is favourable, if you look at people monogamy is favourable).
Storm
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When looking at human nature, one most remember that humans, unlike many other animals, are highly advanced social animals. Much of what we do is determined by culturally or social influences. Further, humans are not run entirely instinct. Quite the contrary, what we do is based on our thinking, on reflections, on preferences, even on such advanced concepts as "ethics."
As for the evolutionary argument. Evolution tells only tells us that those who reproduce pass on their genes in favor of those who do not. It is tells us that which has happened, not that which should happen. It does not tell us which strategy will work in present day to pass on the most genes. Impregnating as many women as possible many not be a good strategy if none of them survive to adulthood. So, if evolution is what your using to guide how you act, ur doin it wrong.
So, no, I don't think monogamy is "natural" nor is it a "myth." It is no more "logical" or "evolutionary correct" than poloamory, polygamy, serial monogamy, or any other arrangement that you can come up with.
As for the evolutionary argument. Evolution tells only tells us that those who reproduce pass on their genes in favor of those who do not. It is tells us that which has happened, not that which should happen. It does not tell us which strategy will work in present day to pass on the most genes. Impregnating as many women as possible many not be a good strategy if none of them survive to adulthood. So, if evolution is what your using to guide how you act, ur doin it wrong.
So, no, I don't think monogamy is "natural" nor is it a "myth." It is no more "logical" or "evolutionary correct" than poloamory, polygamy, serial monogamy, or any other arrangement that you can come up with.
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It's okay either way. I can be monogamous, I don't think it's a myth or a lie. But it should definitely be viewed as something trivial and unimportant. Things like jealousy murder are ridiculous.
p.s. someone mentioned the ethics of it. but have in mind that this has been very different in different times and societies. even right now some cultures approve and encourage polygamy.
p.s. someone mentioned the ethics of it. but have in mind that this has been very different in different times and societies. even right now some cultures approve and encourage polygamy.
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The majority of the populations (at least, that if the perspective I have gotten and what I assume to be true) fits monogomy at its core value. It really isn't an issue so long as people who know they don't fit it classicly are vocal and open about that being the case, and the partner(s) they are with are ok with it.
Inquisitive
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I think monogamy is a beautiful ideal
Peppermint
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Both types of unions, whether monogamous or polygamous would have their advantages. With a larger group, better protection is enabled, and likely a larger amount of resources is gathered and available. A monogamous union, on the other hand, allows an exclusivity of genes, or in other words the male who is compelled to leave offspring is certain of who fathered said offspring, and it may have higher chances of survival (it is known that male lions would kill a female's litter so she would be willing to mate again, but give birth to his offspring this time)
I'm only speculating here, but I think this behavior observed in animals which aims at genetic preservation may be at the root of human sexual exclusivity.
As for modern day, I think both polyamorous and monogamous unions are equally valid. After all, any relationship is as good as the parties involved make it.
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QP, I don't think monogamy is a myth; it's easy if you are with the right person, and many people practice it willingly, and seem to be happy with it. I am, and I'm pretty sure my husband is too. (Although after reading posts like these, I'm starting to wonder. LOL!)
That does not mean monogamy is right for everyone, however. And it certainly doesn't mean you have a moral obligation to remain in a miserable relationship (under most circumstances I can think of at the moment.) And I am also not defining monogamy as "absence of premarital sex", I am simply defining it as being completely faithful to your partner, married or not, and finding fulfillment with them. If you are with the right person, things just get better. I also think that there's something to the saying that happiness comes from within, and if you keep searching for it in others, you may be disappointed. Maybe.
Anyhoo, those are my thoughts!
That does not mean monogamy is right for everyone, however. And it certainly doesn't mean you have a moral obligation to remain in a miserable relationship (under most circumstances I can think of at the moment.) And I am also not defining monogamy as "absence of premarital sex", I am simply defining it as being completely faithful to your partner, married or not, and finding fulfillment with them. If you are with the right person, things just get better. I also think that there's something to the saying that happiness comes from within, and if you keep searching for it in others, you may be disappointed. Maybe.
Anyhoo, those are my thoughts!
acd
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I'm not concerned with adhering to what's expected of me by others. I'm honest. Not having the energy for multiple people is not laziness. I know who I am and what I am and am not capable of and what I want.
So what.
Stop being so self-righteous all the time.
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What about the difference in having multiple partners at one time vs. being in a relationship for a period of time, then moving on to have another monogamous relationship. Any advantages or disadvatages there? I think we have mostly been talking about the first case (multiple partners at the same time) though I am not entirely sure.
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I saw a documentary about 10 years ago that highlighted a young married woman. The show explained that the human female needs to choose a human male that she feels will provide for her and her offspring, be a loving nurturing man, etc, for at least the period the children needed to be on their own ability. BUT - her dna (biology) caused her to seek out another human male that was NOT necessarily a good provider and nurturer for her offspring yet was suitable for improving the gene pool of the species in general and her offspring's survival in particular.
The show went on to discuss the habits of our cousin the chimpanzee and how they are not monogamous and so on. I wish I could find the show. I Googled for it and came up with so many hits on the infidelity gene and the increase for women.
Honestly I thought monogamy was invented by society to keep everyone's kids straight as to who inherited what. Chastity belts come to my mind. Men obsessed with making sure their son was indeed THEIR son and all that jazz.
Then there was the study that came out about women and their smell. It seems that when a young woman was on the pill it made her sense of smell for an appropriate mate go haywire. Supposedly once the young women had the number of children they wanted and had their tubes tied - they stopped taking the pill. All of a sudden their husbands began to "smell" bad and they left them.
I am NOT making this stuff up. LOL
I believe monogamy is a myth and largely tied to the economics of survival.
I think when 2 people have realized their relationship has changed they should be able to talk about it and end it on their terms without all that guilt and criticism from society. Unfortunately our society law is intertwined with religious ideals and this is nearly impossible to accomplish.