Need another INFJ view on this.

[Haven]

Ok so last year a very close friend of mine who I use to live with, meet this girl from overseas while he was studying, over the months he would confess his feelings for her to me.I was happy for him because pior to their meeting, his out look on life had definitely become bleak, with talks of loneliness and whispers of depression, So as they spent more time together,I noticed the life creep back into his eyes. One day however I noticed a change in his demeanor, when I asked what was bothering him, he told me that she was married and that the husband was the reason she was able to also study over here. He asked for my opinion, so after a lengthy discussion, I said i didnt think it was right for him to pursue a relationship with a married woman past that of a friendship, though he agreed on what I was saying, I could see his resolve was doubtful,but i trusted that he would do what was right, and considered the matter closed.
However as time past, because they worked together on assignments in and out of class, she began to come over more and more, his excuse was, it was easyer for them to work from home then at tech. I was alittle skeptical, and hardly naive, I could see where this was heading, and so as time would have it my friend eventully mustered the courage to tell me the truth and that they had recently been arguing because the husband was coming from overseas to see her, he also mentioned that he didnt tell me about the relationship sooner because he was scared of what i might think, and he was right I lost alot of respect for him after that, however i could see that he was genuinely upset at the notion of her in another mans arms, as he began to cry, I comforted him as any friend would, but deep down felt more for the unsuspecting husband. So it was by chance i happend across Her and the husband in town together, by now she was well informed that i knew about the relationship, I could see the uneasy fear in her eyes as i walked closer and she was right to fear me, the truth was mere steps away for her husband, my morale code screamed to be appeased, but it was loyalty to my friend that I said nothing.

To this day im unsure if the husband ever found out about his cheating wife, she ended up moving back overseas, i dont know if she and my friend kept in contact and im not sure if I really want to know. All I know is after everything died down, i felt extremely for lack of better words Fucked Off, that some how my morales were silenced by my friend, i felt like i was part of their dirty little secret, it botherd me and still does to this day. So whats your guys take on all this, what would you have done, Am I wrong for feeling so strongly about this, if so how would you feel in this situation?

 

[Bloom]

I would surely lose the respect for my friend :S

 

[Vanixaria]

Ok so last year a very close friend of mine who I use to live with, meet this girl from overseas while he was studying, over the months he would confess his feelings for her to me.I was happy for him because pior to their meeting, his out look on life had definitely become bleak, with talks of loneliness and whispers of depression, So as they spent more time together,I noticed the life creep back into his eyes. One day however I noticed a change in his demeanor, when I asked what was bothering him, he told me that she was married and that the husband was the reason she was able to also study over here. He asked for my opinion, so after a lengthy discussion, I said i didnt think it was right for him to pursue a relationship with a married woman past that of a friendship, though he agreed on what I was saying, I could see his resolve was doubtful,but i trusted that he would do what was right, and considered the matter closed.
However as time past, because they worked together on assignments in and out of class, she began to come over more and more, his excuse was, it was easyer for them to work from home then at tech. I was alittle skeptical, and hardly naive, I could see where this was heading, and so as time would have it my friend eventully mustered the courage to tell me the truth and that they had recently been arguing because the husband was coming from overseas to see her, he also mentioned that he didnt tell me about the relationship sooner because he was scared of what i might think, and he was right I lost alot of respect for him after that, however i could see that he was genuinely upset at the notion of her in another mans arms, as he began to cry, I comforted him as any friend would, but deep down felt more for the unsuspecting husband. So it was by chance i happend across Her and the husband in town together, by now she was well informed that i knew about the relationship, I could see the uneasy fear in her eyes as i walked closer and she was right to fear me, the truth was mere steps away for her husband, my morale code screamed to be appeased, but it was loyalty to my friend that I said nothing.

To this day im unsure if the husband ever found out about his cheating wife, she ended up moving back overseas, i dont know if she and my friend kept in contact and im not sure if I really want to know. All I know is after everything died down, i felt extremely for lack of better words Fucked Off, that some how my morales were silenced by my friend, i felt like i was part of their dirty little secret, it botherd me and still does to this day. So whats your guys take on all this, what would you have done, Am I wrong for feeling so strongly about this, if so how would you feel in this situation?

Ghostd,

I'm not sure I would lose my friend seeing as I've never really had a close one to speak of other than my sister. There were many times when my sister would make bad choices, things that I thought were morally askew however, I would say my piece but it was ultimately her choice. I would stand by her nevertheless. I believe I would do the same for a close friend (as it seems you exhibited in your post). Most people don't feel the sense of honor we do (if I can be so presumptious). People generally tend to think of their needs before any moral sense. In short, would I lose respect for my friend - no, but I would for the woman who broke her vow between her husband. If the husband found out (I'm sure he did) then the woman caused the broken hearts of two individuals.

 

[DrShephard]

I've heard a guy who's had multiple relationships with married women say numerous times that "If I refuse to be the guy they cheat with, they're going to cheat with someone else". As much as I dislike the notion of a guy sleeping with a woman who's married, I can see the point in that statement. What's to say that if the wife didn't form a relationship with your friend, she wouldn't have just gone out and developed feelings for some other guy? On a tangent, if she were to have left her husband for your friend, then after a while of them being together I wouldn't be surprised if he suddenly discovered she was cheating on him with another guy!

It's just a sad situation all around and I don't fully blame any of them. Why would the wife stay in a relationship she wasn't satisfied with, and lie to the man who she made vows to? Why would your friend start seeing a woman who was willing to stay in a marriage she wasn't satisfied with and would lie to the man she made vows to? Why would the husband be so inattentive that he didn't fulfill the wife's needs or realize the wife wasn't satisfied?

If it were me, I'd just drop it all and not discuss it again. It's a ball of knots, that's for sure. No unravelling that one unless you can see the full situation from all sides - which you can't. However, if there's one positive thing that can come out of it... it's this: It was a learning experience, and a valuable one.

I guess that's all I have to say. Hope that helped!

*re-reads the thread title* ...aw shit

 

[Lucidmoon]

I feel like your reactions to it all make sense. I would have hated to be privy to that kind of a secret but wouldn't have taken it upon myself to expose them either (that is unless her husband was my friend).

As far as your friend writing you off, well, that makes sense to me too. He let you in during a confusing, shameful and passionate time during his life and is probably embarrassed that he did so - at least as much as he's embarrassed about taking part in it.

 

[Arsal]

To this day im unsure if the husband ever found out about his cheating wife, she ended up moving back overseas, i dont know if she and my friend kept in contact and im not sure if I really want to know. All I know is after everything died down, i felt extremely for lack of better words Fucked Off, that some how my morales were silenced by my friend, i felt like i was part of their dirty little secret, it botherd me and still does to this day. So whats your guys take on all this, what would you have done, Am I wrong for feeling so strongly about this, if so how would you feel in this situation?

It was their personal business. You did the right thing by keeping silence and being passive to the incident. Had you been more meddling, it would have been a selfish deed -- something to suit you, rather than your friend -- and could possibly also have resulted in losing your friend.

Me? I would feel bad initially, but then change my perspective in order to suit the parties involved. Morality is subjective and therefore what's right for me might not be right for someone else.

 

[Lucidmoon]

It was their personal business. You did the right thing by keeping silence and being passive to the incident. Had you been more meddling, it would have been a selfish deed -- something to suit you, rather than your friend -- and could possibly also have resulted in losing your friend.

Me? I would feel bad initially, but then change my perspective in order to suit the parties involved. Morality is subjective and therefore what's right for me might not be right for someone else.

Didn't he already lose his friend? I agree that exposing them wasn't a good idea but not because it put the friendship at risk.

Now your second comment kinda blows my mind. You'd change your own perception of events? How can one even do that? It defies the definition of perception.

 

[Arsal]

Now your second comment kinda blows my mind. You'd change your own perception of events? How can one even do that? It defies the definition of perception.

No, not perception, the perspective. The situation remains the same, your attitude towards it changes.

Didn't he already lose his friend? I agree that exposing them wasn't a good idea but not because it put the friendship at risk.

If you're referring to how he/she lost respect for their friend... that's not losing, that's giving up.

 

[Lucidmoon]

I see the difference.

As far as the friend, the whole "f*cked off" comment made me think they sort of ditched them after that.

 

[44sunsets]

To this day im unsure if the husband ever found out about his cheating wife, she ended up moving back overseas, i dont know if she and my friend kept in contact and im not sure if I really want to know. All I know is after everything died down, i felt extremely for lack of better words Fucked Off, that some how my morales were silenced by my friend, i felt like i was part of their dirty little secret, it botherd me and still does to this day. So whats your guys take on all this, what would you have done, Am I wrong for feeling so strongly about this, if so how would you feel in this situation?

Your friend is an immature loser (and of course so is the woman). You did the right thing to keep things quiet -- it's best to leave things be.

It's stupid to get involved with someone who is already married or in a relationship. If they cheat on their current partner, they will easily cheat again when you become the partner.

Sometimes people just suck. Your friend is weak -- there are plenty of lovely, gorgeous women in this world, he doesn't have to get involved with a married one. Hopefully he'll grow up and man up some day.

 

[FamineGT]

Ghostd, I think you did the right thing. It's sad and frustrating to see the situation play out the way it did but I feel it was good that you didn't get involved in the situation. If anything, it should be the friend and the cheating wife who should own up to the situation, rather than the husband find out from a "stranger".

I can see how it would bother your morals in this situation. However, as I mentioned earlier, it is not your place to comment on the situation to the husband. With this in mind, the best you can do is voice your opinion to your friend about the situation and let it go. No need for you to feel like a guilty party as well since the fault lies solely with the friend and the wife.

 

[donkeybals]

I visited one of my best friends in college. We "hooked up" with two chicks, and he had a girl friend. So he was basically cheating on his girl in the same room as me. His gf was also my best friend. I basically just told him not to say sh*t about it because it would just ruin the relationship. And to make sure he doesn't do it again. He said he felt sh*tty about it, and I can understand a mistake, but if I ever learned about repeat performances, I'd say to confess since it would be an obvious problem.

But in this situation, you probably don't have a right to say anything about it. What good what it do, really? You don't even know this guy, so let him be with his cheating girl. He'll find out soon enough one day.

And I agree, never ever marry a cheater. Not just a mistake cheater, one who gets into the habbit of cheating on their spouses. If you ever get into a relationship with a cheater, never commit.

And tbh, I see where your friend was coming from. He sounded pretty desperate. But the fact is it's not the right thing to do, very sh*tty, sleezy, and weak minded.

 

[Candice_XX]

I wouldn't feel so strong about that. I can see you care about your friend's and your morals but for me the situation is not so complex:

Your friend had a bad time before the relationship and made a bad choice. That means he has a weakness. For judging if he is weak or not, to lose respect or not I would take into account the whole character. To decide if I want him for friend or not I would take into account his behavour towards me.

I didn't exactly figure out what is your problem...that your friend had a secret from you? that he didn't listen to your advise? that you don't agree morally with his acts? If that is so, never mind, you can move on your life without each other.

Or your problem is that you wanted the best for your friend and you see him in a situation where he might suffer? that he partially rejected you by not taking you into account? If that is so, think about your friendship and if it is real try to stand by him. If not, never mind.

As for the husband, he is not your friend, and I think you (nor I) are not in a position (yet) to know what is happening in everybody's life and intervene in the right way. Morality might be subjective for him as well.

I have the perception that maybe you are just too thoughtful and you like to treat people the way you would like to be treated but everyone's different and, if they are worthy and as long as you don't cheat yourself, you should treat them the way they want to be treated.

 

[Haven]

Cant help but laugh, reading OP.

 

[the]

Your friend is a dirt bag. I would have dumped him as a friend because any friend of mine who comes crying to me because his affair-buddy is married is basically worthless. I wouldnt have told the woman but I may have pretended to blackmail her for money because fuck her.

 

[Kgal]

Cant help but laugh, reading OP.

Here I am reading the Original Post for the first time thinking you are going through this NOW - and then I see the date and I think - wtf!?!?!

I am really curious.....Why are you laughing now?

 

[Vanixaria]

Normally for me, when a friend is doing something that I know down the road he or she will regret I state my peace. In this case, I would have tried to coerce my friend that he was going down the wrong road but I would have left it at that. I would have been only indirectly involved since I knew the situation, but the situation did not fully concern me. I probably wouldn't maintain a friendship with said person as I would feel that my opinion and care for them was trumped by lust and therefore loyalty was eradicated. Telling the husband would have been just as immoral, in my opinion, as what the wife did. It wasn't your place to break the husband's trust or emotions for his wife. Sometimes, we INFJs have to let things take course without us trying to save people we don't know from hurting. I have discovered that hurt has a place in the evolution of the self just as much as any other emotion.

 

[Haven]

Here I am reading the Original Post for the first time thinking you are going through this NOW - and then I see the date and I think - wtf!?!?!

I am really curious.....Why are you laughing now?

If by the off chance you’re still around. I found myself in the same situation at one point not long after moving city.

They’re married and have been together for 13 years today.

I’m reminded that we’re complex and imperfect creatures

 

[Sloe Djinn]

I’m reminded that we’re complex and imperfect creatures

Omg hey Haven! I remember being part of the Mafia: Harry Potter Edition days with you. Hope you’ve been well.

And yeah, I think that’s probably the best lesson to draw from it. We all have our faults and theirs don’t have to be your baggage.